


you, your sex is on fire

by jumbled_sentiment



Series: you, your sex is on fire [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: (after the first chapter), Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Drunken Shenanigans, Enemies to Lovers, Lawyer Alec Lightwood, Lawyer Magnus Bane, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-10
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:40:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 50
Words: 115,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22202728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jumbled_sentiment/pseuds/jumbled_sentiment
Summary: “Top or bottom?” Magnus panted into the personal space of the man whom, not two hours earlier, had been his absolute, sworn, lifelong nemesis.“Uhh…”
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Isabelle Lightwood, Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Alec Lightwood & Maryse Lightwood, Alec Lightwood & Max Lightwood, Clary Fray/Jace Wayland, Magnus Bane & Catarina Loss, Magnus Bane & Ragnor Fell, Magnus Bane & Raphael Santiago, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Simon Lewis/Isabelle Lightwood
Series: you, your sex is on fire [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1754860
Comments: 541
Kudos: 621





	1. taste of your lips, i'm on a ride

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Italiano available: [you, your sex is on fire (TRADUZIONE)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23741887) by [LunaStefy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LunaStefy/pseuds/LunaStefy)



> Quick note - the wonderful LunaStefy is translating this into Italian over on her account so if anybody would find that easier to read then please go over there and show her some love! 
> 
> The fic title is a lyric from Kings of Leon - Sex on Fire.
> 
> I’ve added a warning to the tags but it’s only applicable to chapter eighteen which is marked with a trigger warning. The situation does not involve either Alec or Magnus... safe reading xx

Thursday, 19th December 2019. 23:03.

“Top or bottom?” Magnus panted into the personal space of the man whom, not two hours earlier, had been his absolute, sworn, lifelong nemesis.

“Uhh…”

Alec could not believe that they had ended up here. He honestly was not sure how they had, or even whether they had. This truly could not be happening. Only a handful of drinks in, Alec was coherent enough to make sound decisions, but apparently inebriated enough to throw each and every one of his reservations about the man currently sucking a love bite onto his neck swiftly out of the window.

Magnus Bane and Alec Lightwood were rival employees of Penhallow & Eilish, one of the five most prestigious law firms headquartered in the U.S. They were both in the business of criminal defence matters, but under the jurisdiction of separate managers, each of whom were as cretinous as the last. It was a fact widely accepted by employees of Penhallow & Eilish that the management team was comprised of utter children, but Coward and Purchase were the obvious frontrunners of this insecurity fuelled fuckery. Constantly finding creative ways to pit their employees against one another, each so desperately terrified of the world finding out that they were not in fact, the greatest human ever to exist. They used any means necessary to one up their supposed colleague, mostly taking it in turns to temporarily best one another, making neither man obviously superior nor inferior. The dynamic worked, with the occasional win keeping their heads above water and the inevitable losses stamping on their egos enough to reign in their sociopathic tendencies to a bearable level. It worked perfectly, for them. Their employees, on the other hand, got the short end of the stick. They had to put up with the constant sniping and bickering and slander. In a soul-destroying parody of the whole class detentions they thought they had forever left behind in high school, if one mistake was made then the whole workforce was to be punished for it. At least, until a mistake of equal or greater consequence was made by somebody on the other side. Then, all was forgiven.

It would be easy to blame their contempt for one another on the hatred that was intentionally bred by Coward and Purchase, but the rivalry between Magnus Bane and Alec Lightwood was borne entirely from their own frustrations with one another, not out of any supressed Stockholm loyalty to their respective bosses. In all honesty, neither of them could have given less of a shit about the people they worked for. They were selfish, immoral bigots and the only reason Alec and Magnus could stomach working for them is because they knew it was a means to an end. Change cannot be made by screaming at an organisation from the outside looking in. It can only be achieved by infiltrating said organisation, being as defiant and progressive as possible and managing to keep your job in the process. It’s the little things, like taking as many pro-bono cases as your sleep schedule will allow for and refusing to squash the little guy who can’t afford a decent lawyer in favour of the guilty guy waving his big bucks at you. There’s a limit to the power you can have in any given environment that you do not own, but there’s hope in damage limitation, and small steps do matter.

The tension between the two came purely from sexual frustration, though neither man would admit it. Each time they had been forced to work together had only served to enforce their absolute intolerance for one another. Magnus was insufferable. He simply had no boundaries, professional relationships cast aside, he would simper and flirt and seduce until the cows came home. There was no shame in that one. He knew his strengths and he wasn’t ashamed to use them to his advantage. Though, that isn’t to say that Alec considered the biceps that strained against shirt after shirt of Magnus’ to be a strength. Undoubtably, there was strength in them, but physical attraction is not a personality trait and certainly not something that should be used to gain merit in the workplace. Magnus knew, he absolutely knew, just what effect he had on Alec. Those soft brown eyes and pretty pink lips left Magnus with no shortage of understanding around the lack of self-control that Alec could display in his presence.

It simply wasn’t fair, and Magnus should know better. There are rules about this nowadays. You can’t whisper in somebody’s ear, minutes before a full team meeting, “Darling, that shirt is just begging to be ripped off you, and I’d hate to disappoint. Meet me in the fourth-floor bathrooms after we’re done here. I’m sure you won’t regret it,” and leave that said somebody to sit through the entire meeting with his cheeks as pink as Magnus had hoped to make them. It was fortunate that nobody really expected much vocal participation from Alec, because he hadn’t spoken a word the entire time, too afraid that his voice would betray the overwhelming desire that had all but overcome him.

Though, if you were to ask Magnus, it wasn’t he who was the insufferable one. Magnus thought Alec was a shining example of a stuck up, spoiled, middle class brat with no real appreciation for the world as it was. He seemed to have no time for those he considered beneath him, not sparing a minute of his oh so precious time to give out a smile, a nod or a, “Morning,” every now and then. There were no airs and graces with that one, he kept his head down and his sense of humour, if he even had one, to himself. Magnus didn’t have time for people like that. There was nothing like a bit of comradery to get yourself, and your colleagues, through the grind of yet another nine to five day that you honestly can’t decide if you want to end or not. In their line of work, the things you see and the people you meet, you need a sense of humour. If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry, but Alec Lightwood didn’t appear to do either. Currently, he was showing more emotion than Magnus had ever seen from him. Out of breath and otherwise occupied in a way that left no energy for frowning or eye rolling or any of the other mannerisms that angered Magnus so severely, the man was actually somewhat bearable.

Though, he still hadn’t answered Magnus’ question.

“Um, you know…”

Magnus squinted down at him. “No, actually, I don’t.”

Then, all too soon, the frowning was back, accompanied with a classic eye roll and a sigh that could have blown down at least one of the little piggy’s houses without much difficulty. The way he was looking at Magnus, anyone would have thought he’d just been asked something scandalous. Something, maybe, involving ropes or gloves or whips. Though, as far as Magnus was concerned, this was just a polite enquiry.

Not wanting to give the man an inch, Magnus shifted slightly in his position atop of Alec and continued his ministrations on the others’ neck, this time reaching down for Alec’s hand to pin it gently above his head on the pillow. It was a classic power move, and not at all subtle, but Magnus was nothing if not shameless. If Alec wasn’t prepared to talk, Magnus wasn’t willing to engage in anything other than agonisingly extended foreplay. Though, before he could fully commit himself to the cause, Alec spoke up.

“Fine, fine,” he snapped, followed by a sigh. He opened his mouth before closing it again. Frowning, he pursed his lips, putting what Magnus believed was far too much thought into the situation. “I want, I want you to…”

In that moment, Magnus saw Alec’s behaviour for what it was. The man was nervous, genuinely nervous, about whatever it was he was trying to say. He clearly wanted something, but was having so much difficulty expressing his want, that it almost seemed to put him off wanting it in the first place. Magnus softened. He didn’t make a habit of showing this side of himself to anybody other than his nearest and dearest, especially not somebody like Alec Lightwood, but there was something about the sight before him that pushed its way through the cracks in Magnus’s hard shell, without even meaning to.

“Okay, well, I like either,” Magnus said, then, “or both, I should say,” with a wink. Alec had already been flushed but, at this, a whole new wave of heat swept across his face. In spite of this, or maybe because of it, Magnus continued, “You can fuck me, if you’d like.”

For a moment, Alec didn’t respond. Then, almost imperceptibly, he shook his head. It was the slightest of movements, only noticed by Magnus because he was inches away from the other man’s face, watching him like a hawk just because he could. It confused Magnus for a moment before – oh.

“Oh,” he grinned. “You want me to fuck you?”

The speed at which Alec’s eyebrows shot upwards would have been comical had the involuntary action not held so many connotations of sadness and shame and internalised hatred that Magnus just didn’t want to think about right now. It was too much to tackle, so instead he simply said, more sombrely than he had all night, “You’re allowed to like what you like, Alec.”

“I know,” Alec replied.

“Okay then.”

“Okay.”

Alec swallowed. Magnus could sense this was going to be a long night, and boy was he not complaining.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is a lyric from Britney Spears - Toxic.
> 
> This took me around three hours (on and off) to write and was purely a result of sheer boredom. I hope my lack of effort didn't shine through. I really need to get back into the habit of writing just for the sake of writing and not insisting on everything being finished to absolute perfection, so maybe I'll start to become a little bit of a shitposter just for something to do... who knows.


	2. don't stop the music

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “He’s insufferable, he–"
> 
> “Yes, I hear that a lot, but I never actually hear _why_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, firstly, apologies for the extremely British dialect. I tried to tone it down at first because I know these characters live in America (at least, they do in the show, I haven’t read the books) but in the end I gave up because the British in me is too far embedded to remove and honestly, I didn’t want to. I think British insults are hilarious, they’re just so stupidly random and meaningless, I love it. So, apologies, but not really, and feel free to ask for a translation in the comments ;) happy reading <3

Friday, 20th December 2019. 19:41.

“Do you think people can change?”

Magnus had his head in the lap his oldest friend, Catarina Loss, in the same position he had been in for the last ten minutes. Demonstrating a characteristic lack of regard for boundaries, like the time he had addressed his boss as, “Sweetheart,” in a move that could very easily have backfired, he had invited himself over to Catarina’s, let himself in and swiftly made himself at home in her lap. Magnus often found himself behaving in ways that anybody who did not know him would perceive as flirtatious, or maybe even inappropriate and, sometimes, they would be right. Magnus was naturally playful, flirtatiousness being just one example of this, and many a time he had revelled in displaying the most inappropriate behaviour he could feasibly get away with, just for the fun of it. Shamelessly, he enjoyed ruffling feathers, and he saw no harm in that. Though, that was not what was happening here. In that moment, Magnus’ close proximity to his friend was not done simply for the fun of it, and it was definitely not an attempt to make Catarina uncomfortable. No, simply, he was seeking comfort. Magnus was an expert at hiding his true nature, gentle and sweet, occasionally saccharine. The affectionate side of him was often pushed down and ignored, though it was never forgotten. The only thing it craved after a hard day at work was simple reassurance, and it was safe to say that today had fallen into the category of difficult, with Magnus’ stress levels rising to unhealthy highs.

“I think to answer that, I would have to make a very broad generalisation of the entire human race, and you know how I feel about generalisations,” Cat responded, gingerly balancing her gin and tonic filled glass on the curve of Magnus’ waist. If it was anybody else, she wouldn’t have trusted them not to shift slightly and spill her drink, but she knew how Magnus felt about waste, especially of the alcoholic variety.

“I know, I know, but just suppose. There’s this person who you hate, and you’ve hated him for a long time, because he’s a complete and utter tosser with absolutely no sense of humour and a massive stick up his arse.”

“I assume we’re talking about your lawyer now, are we?”

“I have no idea who you’re talking about, Cat, this is purely hypothetical… and he’s not _my_ lawyer, but anyhow, this man is intensely frustrating and all around not my type of person at all. But, the other night…”

It wasn’t clear whether Magnus trailed off or if Catarina interrupted him, often as was the case with these two. “Just to clarify, Magnus, what is your type of person? Is it Raphael, who has less of a sense of humour and more of a stick up his arse than anybody I’ve ever met? Is it me, filled entirely with empathy that’s more likely fuelled by insecurity instead of actual compassion? Not unlike yourself, I might add,” she looked pointedly down at Magnus as she said this. Then continued, “Or, is it Ragnor, the grumpiest sod to ever grace humanity with his unlikeable personality?”

“What’s your point, that I have bad taste in friends?”

“Yes, but also that I think you’re being harsh on this guy. You surround yourself with some of the most marmite people I’ve ever encountered, yet you can’t stand this guy who, I’m sorry, but who seems to have actually done nothing wrong. I’m sorry, Magnus, but every time you go off on one of your rants about him, I fail to see what it is that you’re actually ranting about.”

“He’s insufferable, he–"

“Yes, I hear that a lot, but I never actually hear _why_."

“He…” Magnus trailed off, fuming with himself for not being able to ream off a dozen reasons why he hated Alexander Lightwood on the spot. “He stole credit for my idea on the O’Connell case. In front of everybody,” he added, well aware of the petulance he was exuding in that moment.

“Okay, and did you talk to him about that? Or did you just throw it onto the pile of reasons why you _simply cannot stand him_?”

Magnus scowled at her imitation of him, only because he could recognise the accuracy. “What was I supposed to say? Hey, Lightwood, you took credit for my idea and that was pretty shitty of you. Can you please refrain from doing that in the future?”

Cat squinted her eyes at Magnus, her favourite person in the whole world who, right now, was making her question her own taste in friends. “Yes? That’s exactly what you should have said?”

“Well, what about the time he purposefully delayed handing over the files I needed to take over the Withnail case, just to fuck with me? The way he always looks at me as if I’ve come to work dressed in a bright pink fishnet vest and nothing else? Oh, and the fact that he always sends his little puppy Simon Lewis to fetch and carry for him, instead of just dealing with me himself, like he can’t even bear to find himself in my presence?”

Cat stayed silent.

“I’m not being dramatic, Catarina. You’d have to meet him to understand. He’s unbearable.”

“So unbearable that you hooked up with him the other night?”

Magnus gasped. “How did you know that?”

“Because you’ve essentially just told me that that’s what happened, and even if you hadn’t, I know you. We wouldn’t be having this conversation if you hadn’t slept with the man, or at least kissed him.” Cat paused, consciously trying to soften her tone before continuing, “Magnus, you don’t need me to tell you whether or not people can change, you just wanted someone to talk some sense into you, because you clearly don’t hate him as much as you thought you did.”

Magnus sighed. “Oh Catarina, always so perceptive. Except for one slight oversight.”

“Which is…?”

“Tequila. Many, many shots of tequila.”

“Well, duh. I hadn’t assumed that you’d been sober when this happened. Your point is…?”

Magnus huffed. “There’s not sober, and then there’s absolutely, off this planet, the-walls-are-moving-and-the-floor-no-longer-exists not sober. How am I supposed to know whether he was his same old annoying self and I was just too drunk and horny to notice? Or whether he was a lovely, mellow version of himself and the second the toxins are out of his system he’ll revert back to his old ways?”

“How did it happen? You were drinking and then you ended up in bed together, what happened in between?”

“There was a group of us for a while but then everybody pissed off outside for a smoke, so it was just the two of us. Then my queen Rihanna came on, so of course I had to go and dance, and of course I had to drag him with me. Surprisingly, he can actually dance.”

“Which Rihanna song?”

“Does it matter?”

“Answer the question.”

Magnus sighed. “Let’s just say, the music wasn’t stopping anytime soon, okay?”

Cat grinned. “Knew it. What was he wearing?”

“Black jeans, of course, boring. Then this plain but surprisingly attractive navy-blue shirt.”

“Who kissed who?”

Magnus frowned. “I couldn’t say. It was kind of a mutual thing.”

“Foreplay?”

“What about it?”

“Did it happen?”

“Of course, who do you take me for?”

“How long did it last?”

“The sex or the foreplay?”

“Both.”

“Long enough, the foreplay maybe too long.”

Catarina huffed a laugh, shaking her head.

“What?” Magnus asked, a small pout forming on his lips.

“You, trying to convince yourself that you were falling-off-the-planet pissed, when in reality you just told me what he was wearing, the song that you danced to, who initiated the kiss and how long the foreplay lasted for. Magnus, come on, you weren’t that drunk.”

The pout was now fully formed and there to stay. “Yes, I was. You weren’t there.”

“I don’t need to have been.” Cat was smiling now, and this infuriated Magnus. He trusted Catarina, always asked for her advice on things because she was always right. It seemed that her edge was slipping, perhaps with old age, because she wasn’t right about this. Magnus had been well and truly intoxicated. The events of that night were alcohol fuelled, pure and simple. There was nothing more to it, he would just have to talk to Alec and sort out any loose ends before putting an end to it. Hopefully, they’d be able to laugh about it later, though that wasn’t a likely occurrence with Lightwood. It seemed he’d sooner spend his entire life alone and miserable before he lowered himself to actually _laugh_ with another human being, how unthinkable.

Yes, there was nothing else for it. Magnus would have to swallow a small amount of pride and try not to think about every awkward encounter in every corridor, every bathroom and every team meeting that he was about to face from now on, or at least until he decided that he was over it. Simply, it would have to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title is a lyric from Rihanna - Don't Stop the Music (in case you hadn't guessed hehe).
> 
> Thanks for reading! It looks like this is accidentally becoming a series, totally unintentional but I'm not complaining.


	3. it's a nice day to start again

Saturday, 21st December. 09:47.

It was the Christmas party. It was always the Christmas party; those things were a notorious cesspit of soon to be human resource fodder. In the last year alone, three employees had either happily walked from their roles, never once looking back, or begrudgingly jumped before they were pushed, solely due to the events of the Christmas party. It was a wonder they were even hosted anymore, especially with the huge quantity of free alcohol that was readily plied down the necks of employees upon their arrival and continuously throughout the night, truly testing their tolerances year after year. Magnus had a theory that Penhallow secretly lived for the complete carnage that unfolded, undoubtably keeping the loners and gossips entertained until June, by which time they could begin their avid speculation over _who's going to sleep with who this year_. It was clockwork, and not at all accidental, if you were in agreeance with Magnus.

It shouldn’t have surprised Magnus really, that this year was his turn to wake up with half a year of regret and shame waiting to embrace him with open arms. In an unlikely turn of events, for all the time he’d worked at Penhallow & Eilish, he’d managed to avoid the spotlight that usually chased him everywhere he went. So, maybe, it was about time for a little drama. Honestly, he had been feeling a little stuck as of late, as though he was constantly running around after his own tail in an endless circle of tiredness and caffeine that resulted from desperately trying to balance his job, and doing some good in the world. Unfortunately, these did not always fall into the same category meaning that, more often than not, his workload was double that of those who did not mind if their time on this planet was spent serving nobody but themselves. They lived for their next pay-check, which was absolutely fine and not any of Magnus’ business, but it wasn’t a way of life that Magnus could be comfortable with. It never had been.

Catarina was wrong. Magnus had been intoxicated, very intoxicated. Out of his mind, he must have been, otherwise he wouldn’t have gone anywhere near Alexander I-don’t-know-how-to-have-fun Lightwood, no matter how nicely that shirt fitted him. Obviously, his judgement had been impaired, and that is exactly what he would, very politely, explain to Alexander in approximately twenty minutes when he sat down for a coffee with him.

Magnus had to admit, the text from Alec had surprised him. The vibration of his phone had startled him awake just shy of nine thirty that morning, and the last thing he’d expected to see was the name of his arch-nemesis-turned-one-night-stand glaring up at him. In keeping with Alec’s entire personality, his text had been simple and straight to the point.

Hi, any chance we could meet for a coffee?  
_Received 09:28._

Magnus had been slightly unnerved, not sure what the appropriate course of action was. Should he be casual, aloof and somewhat sarcastic? Should he be polite, respectful and dignified, bearing in mind that this was still a colleague he was speaking to? Or, should he overcompensate for the awkwardness he was holding inside, using a flirtatious and somewhat vulgar manner to put Alec on the back foot? Alec had taken this whole thing off into a direction that Magnus had not been at all anticipating, and Magnus desperately wanted to claw back at least some of his control over the situation. Though, in the end, he fought his initial instincts and went for something that he felt was neutral, not giving away too much of his own inner turmoil whilst also not dismissing anything that Alec may have been feeling. There must have been a reason for Alec to reach out and, no matter their history, Magnus had literally been _inside_ of the other man not fourty-eight hours ago. If he treated Alec poorly now, that would be inexcusably cruel, and not at all Magnus’ style.

Good morning, darling. Of course we can, maybe even something stronger ;)  
_Delivered 09:30._

He didn’t have to wait long for a response.

It’s not even ten in the morning, Magnus.  
_Received 09:31._

He rolled his eyes. Alexander was making this whole thing difficult already.

Wow, not even a sense of humour over text. I’ve got to say Alexander, I have never wished more strongly for an eye roll emoji than I am right now.  
_Delivered 09:34._

What time is convenient for you?  
_Received 09:35._

Jesus, who even was this man? If he’d ever had a personality to start with, he’d most certainly had it surgically removed. Whether it was by choice was still up for debate.

Meet at the Costa on Regent Street at half ten?  
_Delivered 09:37._

Okay, see you then.  
_Received 09:38._

Magnus couldn’t help himself.

I can’t wait.  
_Delivered 09:38._

Maybe it was a little cruel to be teasing the man, but Alec shouldn’t make it so damn tempting. 

_What time is convenient for you?_

Who even talks like that? Let alone, to somebody they’ve only recently shagged? Magnus tossed his phone onto the bed and groaned; it was just unbearable. It was that thought, and that thought alone, that swirled around his head as he stood in the shower, got dressed, applied minimal eyeliner and then set off to meet his colleague turned hook-up. If he was experiencing any slight butterflies, they were purely down to the inconsequential amount of nerves he felt at the awkwardness of the situation, nothing else.

Intoxicated, that’s what he had been, and that’s what he would explain to Alec. Then they could put this whole thing to bed and just get on with being sworn enemies again. That had worked out a lot better for them, and had definitely been a lot less effort.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is a lyric from Billy Idol - White Wedding. 
> 
> I sincerely hope you enjoyed <3


	4. you and me could write a bad romance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I can’t _text_ him,” Alec said, slightly horrified.
> 
> “You slept with him, but you can’t text him? Jesus, kids these days.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title is a lyric from Lady Gaga - Bad Romance. 
> 
> Happy reading <3

Friday, 20th December 2019. 21:18.

“Izzy, I can never go back to work again. I’ll have to quit my job. I’m gonna have to move in with you. This is an absolute disaster.”

“Okay, first of all, I live in a studio. Secondly, stop being dramatic. This isn’t a disaster, it’s a bloody miracle.”

“What are you talking about?” Alec demanded, almost raising his voice to a shout. They both knew that he wasn’t shouting at Izzy, he was just shouting while he was talking to her. It was subtle, the difference between shouting and _shouting_ , but the distinction mattered immensely. It was one of the reasons Alec was so grateful for the relationships he had with his siblings, they were all on the same page about the fact that raised voices didn’t necessarily signify annoyance with one another, it just meant that the entire world was raging against them in that moment. In their perspective, at least.

In complete contrast to Alec’s every interaction with anybody other than his siblings, when he was talking to Jace or Izzy or Max, he didn’t have to think twice about a single word he said. The closest he came to filtering himself was minding his language in front of Max, he wanted to set a good example after all. But it was true that they were the people who saw the version of himself that he liked to think was closest to the truth. It didn’t matter whether it was colleagues, his parents, one of his many bosses or even somebody who considered themselves to be a friend of Alec’s, he was always hiding the parts of himself that he didn’t want the world to see. Often this was done intentionally, to shield himself from what he perceived to be the inevitable judgement, ridicule and overwhelming vulnerability that came with allowing people to get to know him. But most often, it wasn’t even a choice, he simply struggled to find the words to convey how he felt inside. It was easier at work. The conversation remained mostly professional, and anytime it strayed into the personal vicinity, Alec was exceptional at drawing the attention back to safe territory. Though it was a way of life that could often be isolating, it worked for Alec. The second he heard somebody sharing some awful first date story or a disturbingly detailed encounter of their most recent hook-up, that was Alec’s cue to withdraw swiftly from the conversation.

The question, “Good weekend, Alec?” gave him a stronger desire to run and hide than he could ever honestly explain. If there’d been a time when he hadn’t felt this way, Alec certainly couldn’t remember it. The person everybody saw when they looked at him was quiet, evasive, withdrawn. Or, that’s what Alec assumed they saw, a somewhat unfriendly character. That’s exactly what it felt like too, a character. When he was talking to anybody other than his siblings, he felt more like he was acting than conversing. It was too much like putting on a show to ever truly relax, ever truly be himself. It had become an incessant need of Alec’s to hide himself away from the people around him, just in case they accidentally stumbled across the fact that deep down, beneath all the lies and the acting and deception, he simply wasn’t good enough. If he revealed too much, let down his guard, they’d only end up realising that he’s a fraud. He doesn’t have a clue who he is or what he’s doing, and it doesn’t matter that he knows everybody else is faking it too because it’s always seemed forgivable for them. It’s okay for others to struggle, for them to be confused and scared and not have all the answers, but not for him. Alec has always held himself to much higher standards than he’s ever held others to, though he wasn’t exactly sure why. It didn’t seem fair really, but then, life isn’t fair, so it actually made perfect sense.

“You heard me, Alec. It’s a miracle. The amount you talk about the man, I can’t believe it took you this long to realise you wanted to screw him.”

“That’s the thing though, Izzy. I didn’t _want_ to screw him, I just... I was so drunk, I literally would have hooked up with anybody.”

“Oh, really. You’d have hooked up with Clary, would you?”

“Oh, shut up. You know what I mean."

“Yes, I know what you mean, I just don’t know what you’re saying. Clearly, you’re attracted to this man, and clearly you spend an unhealthy amount of time talking about him, never mind thinking about him. So, I don’t know why you’re saying that you didn’t want to sleep with him?”

“I know what you’re getting at. You’re saying that I’m secretly in love with him and I just won’t admit it to you, but I’m not, seriously, the guy’s a dick. I really can’t stand people like him, he acts like he hates me but he doesn’t even know me. You should hear the shit he says to me at work, while we’re at _work_ , Iz. I’ll be sitting there, clearly uncomfortable, and he'll just keep going on and on about the size of my hands and _I wonder if it translates_ or whatever. I mean, who does that?”

“Have you ever told him this? That he makes you uncomfortable?”

Alec paused. Well, he must have done. But, when?

“Uhh, no. I dunno, I mean, isn’t it obvious? You just, you don’t say that shit at work.”

Izzy’s laughter crackled through the tinny speakers of his crappy earphones, more kinks in the wire than he could ever hope to have.

“Alec, you should come to work with me some time, it’s _scandalous_. Seriously, it’d make Magnus’ flirting seem like a children’s bedtime story.”

Flushing slightly, Alec was both horrified to think about what on earth people said to his baby sister when he wasn’t around to glare them into submission, and also mildly embarrassed that it was his little sister giving him advice about this instead of the other way around.

“Well, that’s not the worst thing he’s said, that was just an example,” Alec said, cringing at the petulance of his own words. “Plus, he’s not flirting, he’s just doing it to annoy me.”

On the other end, Izzy just sighed. “I don’t think that you won’t admit your feelings to me Alec, I just think that you haven't realised that you have them yet. Oh, and also, you say that he acts like he hates you even though he doesn’t even know you, but isn’t that exactly what you’re doing to him right now?”

Her tone was gentle, but her words cut deep, because yes, that’s exactly what he was doing. It was easy to convince himself that he knew Magnus from his actions but, in reality, Alec didn’t know a single thing about the man. Nothing that went beyond the image he presented to the world, the image that Alec suspected had been carefully perfected over time, much like his own had, for the benefit of those they worked with. While Alec had never liked Magnus, he had always gotten the impression that there was more to him than met the eye, unlike most of the people they called colleagues. Suddenly, the thought that there were things, a lot of things, that Alec didn’t know about Magnus made him… he didn’t know. Not upset, he had no reason to be upset, but it made him… something.

“Fine. Whatever, I dunno. What do you want me to say?”

“I want you to think sensibly, Alec. I know you; you can barely make it through life in one piece at the best of times. How do you think you’re gonna fair when you have to sit across the table from somebody who you had a drunken one-night stand with and haven’t spoken to since?”

“Terribly,” Alec said, monotone. “That’s why I’m calling, to let you know I’m quitting my job and moving in with you.”

“Calm down, it’s gonna be okay. Seriously, Alec, as much as I think you just need to get your head out of your ass and realise that it’s a damn thin line between love and hate, I think the most important thing here is to make sure that you can go to work and have it be a comfortable environment, and not somewhere where you don’t feel you can belong. I think you need to talk to him, sooner rather than later, because the later you leave it the more awkward it’s gonna be.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Iz.”

“Okay, so tell me your plan, and don’t say to move in with me because it wasn’t funny the first time.”

“I guess I was just thinking, I mean, he’s probably not gonna want to talk about it. This kinda thing probably isn’t that unusual for him, right? He’s probably planning to just ignore it and move on. It’s not like it’s a big deal.”

There was silence for a moment, before Izzy spoke. “Is that what you want to do?” she questioned. “Ignore it and move on?”

There were too many thoughts spinning around Alec’s head, he couldn’t think straight. There was no way to make sense of this and he could feel himself starting to panic. If there was no solution, what was he supposed to do now? It was too complicated, the weekly team meetings, the daily emails he received from Magnus.Bane@penhallowandeilish.com, all the times they passed one another in the corridors, caught each other’s eye or heard the other man’s name in passing. It was too much, the eye contact alone would break him.

“No. I don’t.”

“Okay. So, I assume you have his number?”

“I can’t _text_ him,” Alec said, slightly horrified.

“You slept with him, but you can’t text him? Jesus, kids these days.”

Alec huffed, smiling. “Oh quiet, you. Of course I can text him, I just, I don’t…” he trailed off, no idea what he was actually trying to say.

“You don’t want to make the first move. I understand that, it’s perfectly normal. You just have to keep it simple, don’t put all your cards on the table. Just ask if you can meet for coffee. Trust me, Alec, that’s a perfectly normal text to receive from somebody after a one-night stand. If he’s not prepared to do that, then clearly you were right and he is a dick. If that’s the case, I’ll never interfere in your love life ever again for as long as I live.”

Alec tried not to give too much thought to the fact that Isabelle was educating him on the acceptable protocol to follow after a drunken hook-up, it was best for everybody involved if certain things were left unsaid. But, it was obvious that she was confident in her advice, there was no way she’d be able to stay out of his love life for longer than a week.

“Okay, what do I text him?”

“Hi, can we meet for a coffee.”

“I can’t just put that.”

“Why?”

“Well, isn’t it a bit rude? I mean, a bit short?”

“It’s allowed to be. You can save all the talking for when you’re actually in the same room. It’s easier that way.”

The insides of Alec’s stomach were churning brutally, and he hadn’t even eaten anything yet. He let out a long sigh.

“I hate this, Izzy.”

“I know you do. You should, it’s awful, but it’ll all be over once it’s done.”

Alec chuckled. “That’s probably the most meaningless advice I’ve ever heard.”

“I know, I was hoping you wouldn’t notice,” Izzy laughed.

“Fine, I’ll do it. First thing tomorrow I’ll text him.” Alec sighed, again. “Thanks, Iz.”

“Of course, big brother, anytime. You’d better keep me updated tomorrow, and call me if you need anything.”

“I will, you too."

“Night night, Alec, love you. "

“Night, Iz, love you too.”

“Oh, and one last thing?”

“Yeah?”

“If somebody's talking about the size of your hands and whether or not it translates, they’re definitely flirting with you.”

The call disconnected, leaving Alec speechless. It was all too much, the entire world was crushing down on his shoulders and he simply couldn't cope. Well, he could, he just didn’t want to. In an uncharacteristic display of childlike behaviour, Alec tossed his phone down onto the bed then, seemingly as an afterthought, threw himself down next to it. “Fucks sake,” he groaned. “Why me?”

Why on earth had he thought it a good idea to sleep with _Magnus Bane_ , his colleague, his rival, his arch bloody nemesis. There was no amount of tequila in the world that excused those poor decision-making skills, but he gave himself a little bit of leeway. Surely, he couldn’t be held one hundred percent responsible for his actions when he was that far under the influence? Perhaps, ten percent of the blame could be given to the alcohol, leaving him with only ninety? That was slightly more bearable, he could live with ninety percent.

“The worst part is, he probably hasn’t even thought about you once,” Alec told himself, face still shoved down into the pillow. “What a fucking mug you are.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the update!
> 
> Once again, apologies for the occasional bit of British dialect. The original version of this had the word 'bloody' in it about fifty times, I took out most of them but it just doesn't read right to me without at least a few in there...
> 
> I took out all the times I'd written 'mate' though so, compromise!


	5. i wanna scratch your surface

Saturday, 21st December 2019. 10:17

Fuck. This was really going to happen. Alec Lightwood was in a state of heightened emotional distress, though he was managing to contain it impeccably well. From the outside looking in, Alec was just like any other man walking down the street on any given day of the week. Internally, however, he was desperately trying to think of a plausible reason for why he should turn around and walk swiftly away. Somehow, his feet kept carrying him forward, one step after the other, despite every fibre of his being pulling him in the complete opposite direction. On his way to meet Magnus Bane, the man of his nightmares, he couldn’t remember the last time he had felt this utterly wrong-footed.

Damn, he really hadn’t thought this through. What was he supposed to do? If Magnus was already there, should Alec walk straight over to him and sit down, or was he supposed to go and get a coffee first? It might be rude not to acknowledge him, but it wouldn’t make sense to go over and say hello, only to then walk back over to the counter and order his drink. Then, if Alec arrived before Magnus, should he order himself a coffee and sit down? Or should he order something for both himself and Magnus? It might appear rude to just buy himself a drink, but he had no idea what the other man would want. He could text him to ask, but wouldn’t that just be weird? He could wait outside instead of going in, but how was he supposed to know if Magnus was already there or not? Imagine how stupid that would look, texting Magnus to ask if he was already in the café and if not, what drink would he like? Why did Alec always have to overthink these things? Isabelle wouldn’t even be considering this; she would just be thinking about what she wanted to say or how she wanted to say it. For her, the steps would be simple – get a coffee, have a conversation and go home. For Alec, the steps had to include ordering the coffee, deciding whether he should get it to stay or to go, choosing which table to sit at and wondering whether he should buy Magnus’ drink or not, to name a few.

This was all assuming that Magnus even arrived at all. Of course he would, Alec told himself, the man wasn’t cruel. But, in saying that, how was Alec to know whether Magnus was cruel or not? It wasn’t the first time in the past fourty-eight hours that he had needed to remind himself of just how little he actually knew about the man. It wasn’t like they were strangers, but Alec really had no way of knowing how Magnus would behave in a situation like this. There was no way Alec could know if Magnus was going to show up and, if he was, just how cruel he was going to be. Alec knew he was catastrophising, but he couldn’t seem to help it.

In the end, he needn’t have worried. He walked into the Costa and scanned for Magnus, realising quickly that he was the first of the two to arrive. It made sense, considering he was more than ten minutes early, a deeply ingrained habit of Alec’s that he strongly believed had been bred from his mother’s insistence that if you weren’t early, you were late. In a desperate attempt to not overthink the entire situation, even though he already had, he shoved himself into the queue and waited. Ordering his drink was easy, a small soy laté to go, which he collected with a smile before heading out of the somewhat hidden back door that he knew lead to a handful of tables and chairs that were often left empty. Thankfully, his wish was granted as the space was entirely unoccupied, leaving him with only five minutes until Magnus was due to arrive. Swiftly, he pulled out his phone and started typing.

I’m sat on one of the tables outside the back of Costa, no rush just letting you know.  
_Delivered 10:24._

Before he could cringe too much at his own stunted wording, he hit the send button and promptly began pulling the lid off his paper cup and tearing at it, just for something to do with his hands. He was rather pleased at the solution he’d found to his many, many dilemmas. It made sense not to buy Magnus a drink, because it would only go cold before he even arrived. He’d found a table that allowed them some privacy, and also allowed Alec an excuse for choosing to take the coffee to go, as you probably weren’t supposed to bring the real mugs outside. Or, at least, that would be the reasoning Alec gave if Magnus asked. But he’s not going to ask, Alec reprimanded himself, eternally frustrated at his own irrational anxiety over things that just didn’t matter. Honestly, he could create a problem from thin air without even trying. Hell, he did it on a daily basis.

The screen of his phone lighting up sent a harsh jolt of nerves through Alec. He really wasn’t cut out for this, a life of loneliness would suit him much better, he decided.

No problem, be with you soon.  
_Received 10:25._

Magnus was true to his word. In less than five minutes, he appeared in the doorway across from Alec with a coffee of his own, also in a to go cup. Internally, Alec was in awe at his own idiocy for even noticing such a thing, never mind sparing more than a moment thinking about it. Suddenly, the nerves that he’d thought were at peak capacity seemed to increase tenfold.

“Hi, Magnus.”

The dryness of his mouth made the words sound cracked, or at least, it did to him.

“Hey, Alec.”

Magnus moved forward, graceful as ever, and sat in the chair opposite Alec. There was something different about him, though Alec couldn’t quite tell what it was.

Alec swallowed, willing for his next words to come out smoothly. “Thanks for coming.”

Magnus smiled. “Of course, Alexander. It was good thinking, really. It’s only smart to get all of this out of the way before we have to go back to work."

Alec nodded; his mind blank. Only for something to do, he sipped his drink, cursing the fact that his hands were shaking. He prayed that Magnus hadn’t noticed. The last thing he wanted was for the other man to think he was nervous. He was, of course, but he didn’t want Magnus to know that.

“So, the other night…” Magnus started, not sure how to proceed.

“I’m assuming you were just as drunk as I was?”

Magnus laughed, weakly. “I think ‘wasted’ would be a fairly accurate description.”

“So, I mean, what… uh, what…”

Magnus smiled as if to say, I know, me too. “It’s okay, Alec, this doesn’t have to be awkward. It’s just sex, after all, and we were both consenting adults.”

“Right, right. I just…”

“You don’t want to be subjected to a flash back of that night every time my name pops up on your calendar? I know, I’ve thought about it too and I won’t lie, it’s not ideal. I don’t usually mix business and pleasure, but I’m almost certain that there’s nothing we can do about it now except put it behind us.”

For once, Alec was grateful that Magnus was doing most of the talking. It took a huge amount of pressure off to not have to be the one throwing out a statement without having a single clue what the other was thinking. Luckily, they both seemed to be on the same page.

“I just can’t believe, I mean, don’t take this the wrong way, but I just can’t believe it was you. I mean, of all the people…”

“Oh, don’t lie, Alexander. I see the way you look at me. I know you’ve wanted me for months now.”

That was the type of blasé statement that would usually have gotten under Alec’s skin, had him stewing for hours at the nerve of the man. But, in that moment, it just made him smile.

“Yeah, you caught me. I was just waiting for the perfect opportunity and I thought, yeah, the Christmas party, in front of all our colleagues, why not?”

Magnus laughed, easing the stiffness in Alec’s shoulders and the dread in his gut. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all.

“It won’t be the first time I’m the centre of office gossip. Though, I suspect it may be for you?”

Alec shrugged. “Do you think anyone even saw? Honestly, I don’t exactly remember how we made it upstairs.”

“Oh, I think people may have seen. I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, Alexander, but we weren’t exactly subtle.”

Alec cringed at the feeling of heat creeping across his face. He didn’t want Magnus to think he was embarrassed. He was, but that was beside the point. In an attempt to distract Magnus, he took a sip of his coffee and said, “Well, that’s one way of coming out, I guess.”

The sight of Magnus’ eyebrows shooting sky bound would have been comical, had he not been so mortified.

“You mean to tell me, people in the office don’t know you’re gay?”

“It, it’s not something I mention often. I don’t hide it, but I just don’t really… I mean, I don’t really talk to people about personal things, so I guess it just hadn’t come up?” Alec hated the way he sounded so uncertain. It wasn’t something he hid, but it also wasn’t something he flaunted. Though, he probably couldn’t say that anymore, as getting off with your male colleague in front of all your other colleagues probably came under the category of ‘flaunting it.’

“Oh, well, you don’t exactly do things by halves, do you?”

Magnus, all of a sudden, was remembering Alec’s hesitation that night at asking for what he wanted. The way he was so clearly nervous right now, sitting across from Magnus with pink tinging his face. There wasn’t the slightest bit of arrogance about the man and Magnus wondered if, maybe, the aloof persona that had frustrated Magnus for so long, was only meant to hide and not to offend? Perhaps, the man simply wanted to keep his personal and private lives separate, and Magnus had jumped to the conclusion that he was a middle-class brat with a holier than thou attitude. Perhaps, Magnus was less accepting of others as he liked to perceive himself. Then, in a moment of stark realisation, Magnus was hit by the memories of every single flirtatious, provocative and downright outrageous remark he had ever made to Alec in the workplace.

Jesus, no wonder Alec had reacted so coldly. He swallowed, suddenly unsure of himself.

“Alexander, I believe I may owe you an apology. I didn’t realise that your sexuality wasn’t something that was common knowledge at work. I mean, not to be rude but, to me, it’s rather glaringly obvious. I know you can’t tell anything just from looking at a person, but you can usually tell by looking at who a person looks at, if you know what I mean. Though, it was never my intention to out you–”

“Magnus, Magnus, it’s okay,” Alec interrupted. The colour on his cheeks had deepened at the realisation that Magnus, and who knows how many others, had caught his apparently obvious staring. Even though he’d despised him, he couldn’t help but appreciate the blatant beauty of the other man and had sometimes caught himself completely checked out in Magnus’ direction with honestly, no clear idea of how much time had passed. It had been one of the things that infuriated Alec most about Magnus’ presence. “You didn’t out me, seriously, it wasn’t something I was hiding. I don’t tell people, but I don’t _not_ tell people, you know what I mean? It’s just that people don’t ask, and I really don’t care to tell them.”

“I know what you mean. I don’t often feel the need to divulge personal anecdotes to those I work with either, purely because there’s no such thing as a private conversation in that place. If you mention something to somebody in passing, you might as well have sent it out to the entire department in an email chain, for the speed it spreads around the office.”

Alec snorted, completely surprised at himself for doing so. “Yeah, I know what you mean. It feels a bit like I’m living in a soap opera, sometimes.”

“I can’t say that I wouldn’t love the attention.”

Alec frowned. “Seriously?”

“Yes, seriously. I like to be looked at.”

Those words strung together in that order severely challenged Alec’s understanding of the English language. Surely, he couldn’t be hearing that right? When he was absolutely certain that he was, he shrugged and said, “Well, whatever floats your boat.” Then, starting to panic that he’d sounded some mixture of judgemental and condescending, he immediately corrected himself with, “Not that there’s anything wrong with that, just that I’ve always hated being looked at. I’ve always hated any sort of attention, really, probably something to do with having to–”

Fortunately, he managed to cut himself off before that spiralling statement became any worse, cursing the nervous rambling that so often overtook him.

Magnus didn’t look at all offended. In fact, he seemed to be rather amused. “Calm down, Alexander. I don’t bite, you know. Unless you want me to.”

Alec rolled his eyes. “God, you’re so predictable. I literally could have taken the words right out of your mouth.”

Magnus just smirked.

“Stop it.”

“Stop what?”

“You know what.”

“I don’t.”

“Yes, you do.”

“I believe we have reached an impasse, Alexander. The only solution is if we agree to disagree.”

In that moment, Alec was having a hard time remembering how he had ever hated this man. “Fine, agree to disagree.”

There was a pause, then. Perhaps it was reality creeping back in, one or both of them remembering who they were and why they were here. They weren’t two friends out for a coffee, they were two colleagues with a problem to solve.

“So, is there anything you needed to say? I mean, we may as well get it all out of the way now."

Alec shook his head. “I’m sure I’ll think of something I wanted to say as soon as we leave, but right now I can’t think of a single thing. Honestly, I just needed to see you. This was all playing on my mind too much, I tend to worry about things more than I should. But, I think now that I know we’re on the same page about everything, it’s all… it’s all good.”

“Well, if you do think of anything, you can always text me. Or, if we’re back at work, just drop a note on my desk as you walk by. That’ll give Raj and his cronies something to talk about,” Magnus said, with a wink. Alec honestly couldn’t tell if he was joking or not.

“Will do,” he replied. There was nothing else to say now, really, but Alec found that he didn’t want to leave.

“Well, I’d best get going. Enjoy your Christmas break, Alexander. I’ll see you back at work.”

Alec swallowed. “Yeah, you too.”

Magnus picked up his coffee and stood, smiling at Alec before turning around and walking back the way he came. It left Alec… confused. They had sorted everything, there was no reason to feel awkward anymore. It had gone better than he had ever imagined, but he didn’t feel better. It must just be the stress; he had worried about the outcome of this so much that he was bound to still feel a little stressed. The more time that passed, the easier it would get. By the time they were back at work in January, everything would be back to normal between them. Well, maybe not. It seemed that they had reached some sort of agreement to stop bickering and sniping at one another each chance they got. So, maybe, things would actually be better? Yes, this was a good thing. This was the best possible outcome of the situation; Alec would definitely start to feel better about the whole thing as soon as that sunk in. Everything had turned out okay in the end, as it always did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is a lyric by FINNEAS - New Girl. This song is an absolute piece of art and FINNEAS is one of my all time favourite artists. When I finally convince myself to splash out on a record player, his EP is gonna be one of the first vinyls I buy. Completely unnecessary anecdote, but it appears that I'm incapable of mentioning him without going on a small rant about my love for him. Thanks for reading <3


	6. baby, i'm wasted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! I took a slight break (about four days) from uploading as I went home over the weekend to visit family. I was also very sick all day Sunday (when I say sick, I mean hungover, so don't feel sorry for me) and had no time to do anything except feel sorry for myself. I'm so happy to be back posting again though, I'm really excited about this chapter!
> 
> I hope you all enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it xx
> 
> P.S. all spelling errors in the text conversation are intentional. You'll see why...

Wednesday, 1 January 2020. 08:42.

On new years day, Alec decided that he was never drinking again. His memory of the night before was blurry at best, and it wasn’t until he opened his messages to text Izzy, that he saw the evidence of why he was the most embarrassing excuse for a human being to ever exist. Clearly, the alcohol had reduced Alec’s impulse control to dangerously low levels, at which point he had decided to text the one and only, Magnus Bane. 

Happy new year! x  
_Delivered 00:13._

You too! x  
_Received 00:15._

I think I’m still gonna be drink by the time we have to go back to work…  
_Delivered 01:47._

I think that’s a possibility.  
_Received 02:20._

Make sure you eat food and drink plenty of water, Alexander ;)  
_Received 02:21._

Oh, are you my dad now?  
_Delivered 02:24._

I can pretend, if you’d like.  
_Received 02: 26._

Nahh not my thing… too many daddy issues.  
_Delivered 02:30._

Hmm, okay. What is your think, Alexander?  
_Received 02:34._

I can’t tell you. I’d never be able to look you in the eye again.  
_Delivered 03:09._

What’s yours?  
_Delivered 03:12._

I have plenty. Rope. Manhandling. Breath play. To name a few.  
_Received 03:19._

I could get on board with that.  
_Delivered 03:22._

I gotta go, Jace is being sick. Have a good night, Magnus. Stay safe x  
_Delivered 03:33._

You too, Alexander x  
_Received 03:34._

The screen burned harshly into his eyes as he read the messages, but he couldn’t put the phone down. The fear of the unknown was worse than the one long mess of regret that each text blurred into. This, he decided, was worse than sleeping with the man. There was no proof of their night together aside from the patchwork of memories they could put together, no humiliating mementos engraved into his brain, and floating around in the cloud, forevermore. These messages couldn’t be erased. They could be deleted, but Alec would never be able to escape the overwhelming shame that gripped him in that moment. 

In shock, Alec couldn’t believe he’d done this. Before then, he’d been doing so well at keeping his distance. The amount of times that he’d had the inexplicable urge to text Magnus, that he’d actually drafted a message only to talk himself out of sending it, he couldn’t believe that it had only taken a few shots of vodka to completely crumble his resolve. The worst part was, he couldn’t even remember sending these. Frustrated, Alec shook his head. It wasn’t fair that he should have to face the consequences for actions that he had no recollection of, that were barely even his own. Though, even as the thought crossed his mind, he knew it was wrong. It doesn’t matter how much you’ve had to drink; your actions are still your own.

But still, the failure hurt. Alec had done so well. He, Izzy and Jace had returned to their parents’ house for the holidays. They’d stayed for a few days, mostly just to spend time with their youngest sibling, Max. They weren’t able to see him as often as they’d like, what with all four of them being in full time education or employment in two separate states. There wasn’t much to do in the town where they’d grown up except for long walks in the more rural areas and playing board games around an open fire. Though it was nice to begin with, there was only so many times you could play monopoly with a fifteen-year-old before they inevitably switched to ignoring you in favour of their phone. Alec would have been willing to bet a large amount of money that, for Max, the best parts of the holiday periods were the occasions that Jace would sneak him a beer or two while their parents weren’t looking. Though Alec refused to assist them in their rule breaking, he certainly wasn’t going to alert Maryse or Robert to what went on behind their backs. Alec was all too familiar with his parents’ controlling tendencies and couldn’t argue that a little bit of leniency from his siblings wasn’t going to do Max any good. The last thing Alec would want for Max is for him to feel the same suffocating pressure that he himself once had. 

On Christmas day, the Lightwoods sat down for a nice family dinner that actually turned out to be less painful than it had been for previous years. Then, the day after boxing day, Alec, Jace and Izzy all travelled back to the city where they embarked on a few nights of more adult type fun. The plan was to get in a good few hangovers before they’d all be tied back down to their nine-to-five schedules which, in reality, were usually more like five-to-nine. In all of that time, no matter how tempted Alec had been, he hadn’t sent Magnus a single text. Now, all of that effort had been ruined.

Alec sighed, though even that was too much exertion for his dehydrated body. There’s nothing you can do about it now, Alec told himself, and returned to his original reason for picking up his phone. Alec couldn’t remember how he’d gotten home last night, but he didn’t need to, to know that he'd made sure Izzy was safely in her bed before returning to his. The dial tone was harsh on his senses, so he was grateful when Izzy picked up.

On the other end of the line, Alec could hear groaning and something that resembled his name, before a sudden crashing sound that sent a jolt through his pounding temples.

“Izzy?”

The sound that emanated from his throat was nothing more than a croak. Clearing his throat first, he tried again.

“Iz, you okay?”

More groaning could be heard from the other line before, “Yeah, drop m’phone.”

The words were slurred, though Alec couldn’t tell if that was due to Izzy being still intoxicated, or too hungover to properly articulate herself. Alec took a deep breath, preparing himself for the spinning he knew he was about to experience, and pushed himself upright. It took a few moments before the room was stable enough for him to stand and, even then, it was a struggle. Stooped over almost in half, he stumbled through to the kitchen for a much-needed glass of water.

Once he’d lowered himself gingerly onto the couch, he gathered up the energy to ask, “On a scale of one to ten?”

He heard a small exhale of air that he assumed was supposed to be a laugh. “Definitely eleven.”

“It’s a solid twelve over here,” Alec said, voice only a whisper. “I’ll let you go and call back later, when we’re both a little more alive. Just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“Mmmmkay Alec.”

“Oh and Iz, one more thing, just something funny to get you through your hangover,” Alec said, closing his eyes and sighing. “I drunk texted Magnus last night and it’s… it’s bad. I’ll read them to you later.”

The weakest laugh Alec had ever heard in his life emanated from the speakers of his phone. “Oh Alec, I love you.”

“Love you too. See you later.”

Izzy didn’t reply, nor did she disconnect the call. Obviously, reaching out for her phone was too much effort for her to expel. Alec couldn’t blame her. In his state, all he wanted to do was curl up in his bed and wait to die, but he couldn’t. Reading those texts had shot enough anxiety through his system to keep him awake for days. Whenever he felt like this, there was nothing he could do except distract himself. Burdened with a hangover, he couldn’t do anything productive like working or going for a run. That just left lying on his couch and watching some horrific daytime television, desperately trying to give his brain something, anything, to focus on that wasn’t his overwhelming anxiety. The noise helped. Even though he was barely listening to the words being said, the background noise eventually allowed his thoughts to leave him for long enough to fade into a light sleep. It was around noon before he finally felt human enough to stand in the shower, still almost doubled over at the waist, and make himself a coffee to sip, slowly. It was difficult to sit upright, but at least the room had stopped spinning.

The text messages were praying on his mind, disturbing him. He needed to talk to someone, and by someone, he meant his sister.

Hey, Iz. You feeling any better?  
_Delivered 12:42._

Moderately.  
_Received 12:45._

Alec’s phone started to ring. He momentarily panicked, before realising it was just Izzy.

“Hey, I couldn’t be bothered typing. How you doing?”

Izzy sounded measurably more cheerful than she had earlier, though the remanence of a hangover was still definitely present.

“I’m uh,” Alec hesitated, then said, “I’m doing a bit shit to be honest. I mean, aside from the hangover. I’m just a bit panicked about these texts. I feel like when we met for coffee, we fixed everything, and it was all fine. I wasn’t even nervous about going back to work, but now I’ve just fucked it up completely. I don’t even know where we stand anymore. I mean, what am I supposed to do now?”

The part about not being nervous to go back to work wasn’t entirely true, but Izzy didn’t need to know that. The sixth of January was a date that had been on his mind since he’d met with Magnus, though he wasn’t sure why.

“Okay, let’s start with what the texts actually say?”

“I texted him saying happy new year… with a kiss on the end.”

“Well that’s not bad!”

“It gets worse,” Alec said, and began to read aloud the words that had plagued him ever since he’d regained consciousness. He paused before he read the word, ‘Rope,’ unsure about just how much detail he wanted to go into with his baby sister. Then again, who else was he going to talk to about this?

“Rope. Manhandling. Breath play. To name a few,” Alec said, certain that Izzy could hear the embarrassment in his voice. “I said I could get on board with that, then made some excuse about having to go because Jace was being sick. To be fair, he probably was being sick, but I think I’d probably just realised that the conversation needed to end,” he said, then sighed. “I don’t know what to do, Izzy.”

“Okay, Alec, I’m gonna say something. I don’t think you’ll like it, but I’m gonna say it anyway,” Izzy announced, pausing for effect. “The texts aren’t that bad”

“What?” Alec demanded. “What do you mean, not that bad? We were talking about bondage for fucks sake. He’s my colleague, Izzy, we slept together! Then we somehow, miraculously, managed to sort it and then I went and fucking drunk texted him–”

“Alec, Alec,” Izzy interrupted. “Come on, big brother, listen to me. You wished him happy new year, told him you were drunk – on new years eve, surprise surprise – and exchanged two flirty texts about Magnus’ kinks. Magnus, who you’ve already slept with. Magnus, who was clearly also intoxicated. Magnus, who obviously isn’t as uptight as you are about these things.”

“Izzy! You’re supposed to be helping–”

“I am helping, Alec. I’m helping you to see that this isn’t a big deal. I’m not trying to invalidate your feelings, but I promise you that from an outsider’s perspective, those texts really aren’t that bad. It’s just two friends having a bit of a drunken flirt.”

“But we’re not friends, Iz, we’re–”

“Yes, colleagues, I know, Alec. I know this is awkward and I know it’s out of your comfort zone, but I’m sure Magnus is just finding this whole thing funny. I mean, personally, I think this just proving my point about the two of you and your secret love for one another, but if you’re still not ready to admit that to yourself then all this is, is a drunken text convo that, for all Magnus knows, could have happened with everyone in your contacts list.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Well, obviously, you’re attracted to Magnus. Whenever you get drunk you either talk about him, have sex with him, or text him. But Magnus doesn’t know you that well. If you haven’t realised that you’re in love with him then I’m sure he hasn’t either. For all he knows, you could have been sending everyone you know drunk texts about your daddy issues. I’m sure he isn’t reading that much into it.”

“I’m not in love with him, Izzy. But, yeah, I guess you might be right.”

The room was spinning again. Magnus didn’t know Alec that well, he was unlikely to have realised what those texts actually meant, he’d probably just assumed Alec was sending drunk texts to everybody in his phone. Though, that then begged the question, what did those texts mean? If Alec was so concerned about what Magnus may have been thinking, and was so incredibly relieved when Izzy had explained that Magnus probably wasn’t thinking much of it, then what did that say about his feelings for the man? Why did he care so much about what he thought? Why had he spent the past two weeks with almost nothing but the sixth of January on his mind? Why had he sent those texts in the first place?

“He probably isn’t even thinking about it. You’re right, it’s not that big of a deal. They were just drunk texts. Bit embarrassing, but not the end of the world.”

Izzy sighed. “Yes, Alec. Bit embarrassing, but not the end of the world. That’s exactly how I’d describe it.”

“So, what now? I mean, do I text him? I can’t leave it until we get back to work, surely? But I also don’t want him to think I’m making a big deal out of it.”

“I would text him, if I were you. Not just because I want you guys to talk, but cos I think it might be a little weird to leave it unacknowledged.”

“I think you might be right. What do I say though?”

“Hey, Magnus. How’s the hangover? I hope you took you own advice and had plenty of food and water. Just something to break the ice, anything really.”

“Okay, yeah. I’ll send something. Thanks, Iz.”

“No, thank you, Alec. I’ll give you a few weeks leeway and then I’ll relentlessly ridicule you over those texts for the rest of your life. Trust me, you won’t be thanking me then.”

Alec sighed. “No, I’m sure I won’t be.”

“Love you, Alec. Text me if you need anything.”

“Yeah, will do, love you too.”

Alec disconnected the call. The sooner the better, he needed to text Magnus. It was going to be fine; Magnus probably hadn’t thought about this since it happened. It was just a drunken text, not a big deal, definitely didn’t mean anything. The only problem was, he was terrified. Though, he didn’t quite know of what.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is a song lyric by ZHU - Faded.


	7. baby, you got my attention

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you enjoy this chapter, I had so much fun writing it!

Wednesday, 25th December 2019. 19:15.

Christmas was a holiday traditionally celebrated with family. In countries all around the world, families came together to cook, drink, smile and laugh for a day. Or at least, they gave it a good go. For Magnus Bane, Christmas had always been slightly different. There had been a time in Magnus’ life when he had been plagued by bitterness at his circumstances, at the fact that he didn’t have a family to celebrate Christmas with. Magnus had no siblings and his parents had long since passed, he had spent much of his childhood alone and this pattern had, unfortunately, and maybe inevitably, persisted into adulthood. In his early twenties, Magnus would have been lying if he’d said that this loneliness didn’t bother him. Only a handful of years later, an irrelevant amount of time in the grand scheme of things, Magnus was happily surrounded by a weird and wonderful bunch that he wouldn’t trade for the world. It had been approaching him for a while now, this feeling of contentment, but it hadn’t been until now that he’d realised he could no longer escape it. Today, Magnus had been able to look around the table of people he’d chosen to share his time with and know that there wasn’t a single one who he wouldn’t take a bullet for, happily. Each and every one of them were his family, and he couldn’t be more grateful if he tried.

There was Catarina, the most selfless person Magnus had ever met. Cat worked in the paediatric ward by day, and by night. The woman took all the overtime she could, not for the money – the wages were pittance – but simply to be there all she could, to _do_ all she could. There wasn’t a single person who could say Cat wasn’t wonderful at her job, and certainly nobody who would even wish to. Truly, the woman was a saint. In scenes worthy of a heartfelt mid-budget medical drama, she could hold a patient’s hand as they cried and tell them it was going to be okay, until they believed it. There had been times when, listening to the stories she told, Magnus had been convinced that his friend had some kind of powers she wasn’t telling him about. Catarina made a difference in people’s lives, she mattered. There had been times, too many to count, in which Magnus had called Cat to talk him off a metaphorical ledge. In some of his harder times, he would have invited her over for an impromptu get together in a desperate attempt to stop himself from drinking the night away. There was no doubt in his mind that Cat knew the reason she was being summoned, but not once did she mention it. Instead, she was just there for him. It was what a friend was supposed to be, someone to build you up, not break you down. There were too many reasons why Magnus loved Catarina for him to list them all in full but, in short, there was nothing he wouldn’t do for her.

Then, there was Ragnor. Magnus didn’t know where he would be without his oldest friend, Ragnor Fell. Though he may not be the most sociable, there was never a time when he hadn’t shown up if Magnus had needed him. One of the most eccentric people he had ever had the pleasure of meeting, the old goat had expanded Magnus’ world view and opened his mind to things that he had never even known existed. There really was an infinite world of knowledge in that man’s brain, and a lot could be gained simply by listening. Ragnor had shown him how to read music, meaning that Magnus could teach himself to play almost any instrument he picked up. If he were made to choose, Magnus’ favourite would have to be the piano, which also happened to be Ragnor’s favourite. If he thought too much about it, he could probably have identified the causal link there somewhere, though he wasn’t exactly jumping up to give Ragnor credit for his _whole_ personality. Only some choice pieces of it.

“Catarina, be a darling and slide the Pinot down to this end of the table, please.”

“I think you’ve had enough, old man,” Cat replied, though she passed the bottle to Ragnor anyway.

Ragnor swiped it from her hand with much more sass than necessary, pulling the cork from the bottle and tossing it in her general direction. It did not, however, end up anywhere near Catarina, instead landing on the plate of the last member of Magnus’ makeshift family, Raphael. The youngest of the lot, Raphael was both something of a brother and a son to Magnus. Though the difference in age was nowhere near substantial enough for Magnus to be his father, the older man couldn’t help having what he assumed to be parental instincts towards Raphael. The man didn’t need protecting, he had a sharp tongue and an even sharper mind, but Magnus knew that, beneath the surface, he was just as soft as the rest of them. By nature, he was sweet and gentle and caring, but it was so often covered with scathing intelligence and wit that an outsider would be inclined to think Raphael was devoid of any sentiment. In truth, Raphael would give every last penny he owned to his friends, without hesitation. They all knew it, just as well as they knew that he would never admit it.

“Ragnor, please refrain from throwing things in my food. If I’d wanted to eat dinner with a child, I would have,” Raphael said. It was easy to tell the difference between real and feigned annoyance when it came to Raphael. If he was being sarcastic, snarky, rude or any other form of unpleasant, he was joking. That was his main form of communication, and definitely not anything to be worried about. If he was silent, that’s when you were in trouble. Raphael’s silence was more threatening than any actual threats he may throw your way. If he was silent, your pain was coming, you just had no idea as to when.

“Oh, come now, darlings. Play nice,” Magnus said. Well, slurred. Magnus liked to drink; he wasn’t ashamed of that fact, nor should he be. Tonight, his drink of choice had been a healthily proportioned gin and tonic, not his usual but a nice change, nonetheless. Since Magnus lived somewhat in the centre of his friends, they had all congregated at his apartment at varying points in the day. There was no set structure, just an, ‘Arrive whenever you want,’ invitation. By 3pm, Magnus and Catarina had already been a few drinks deep. Raphael joined them not long after and it didn’t take him long to catch up. Once they’d all arrived and consumed a sufficient amount of alcohol to get the night started, the usual squabbling over what takeaway to order begun.

Before the invention of online takeaway apps that remained available even on Christmas day, the four of them had all planned in advance who was going to cook what and all bring their contributions to dinner, in theory. It had never actually worked like that, with someone always either forgetting, creating something inedible or simply not bothering. Mostly, their Christmas dinners had consisted of a nonsensical array of whatever could be scraped together at the last minute, though now all that was required of them was a hefty amount of bickering and one simple phone-call to place their heavily-debated order. Though they each felt remorseful about contributing to a service that had people still working on Christmas, a day universally designated to spending time with family and friends as they themselves were doing, they always accounted for this by tipping generously and profusely thanking whoever it was who came to deliver their much needed dinner. The year before last, Magnus had even invited the man in for a drink. Sadly, he had politely declined, explaining that he was on a tight schedule and really had to leave, but not before he had tapped his personal phone number into Magnus’ contacts list.

“Maybe if you hadn’t voted for Indian food, I wouldn’t be throwing my cork in it,” Ragnor said, also slightly slurred.

“Jesus, Ragnor. If you’d enunciated the word cork anymore, I was going to have to stage an intervention.”

Ragnor tutted. “Behave, Catarina. Why must you always infect our conversation with your filthy mind?”

“I do not, it’s Magnus that does that,” Cat said, then grinned. “Only, it’s not just the conversation that he infects.”

“I have never contracted a sexually transmitted disease and you know it, Catarina,” Magnus scolded.

“You’re sure about that?”

“Of course I am. What are you insinuating?”

“When were you last checked?”

Magnus’ eyebrows jumped up, before pulling together in a frown. “Jesus, Cat. What is this? Why am I being interrogated?”

Undeterred, Cat continued, “It’s not an interrogation, it’s a question.”

“I do not have an STD,” Magnus insisted.

Cat squinted at him. The alcohol in her system was lowering her inhibitions and she found herself determined to get an answer to a question that had been on her mind for days. Originally, she had decided not to ask Magnus, deciding that it was too invasive, and she should simply trust his judgement. The man didn’t always make the best choices, but he wasn’t an idiot, and he certainly didn’t need her monitoring his sex life. However, a few drinks in her system and that rationale was completely thrown out of the window. In its wake was a mixture of anxiety for her friends' health, pure nosiness and a desire to humiliate him, only slightly, for what she believed to be frustratingly irresponsible and self-destructive behaviour. The worst part wasn’t that he’d slept with somebody he’d claimed to hate, it was that he was infuriatingly denying any and all positive feelings towards the man.

“I was clean a few months ago, and I haven’t slept with anybody since then. Except Alec, obviously, but we used a condom,” Magnus said. Then, as a second thought, he added, “Not that that’s any of your business.”

“I do always love a chance to see Magnus squirm,” Raphael chipped in, “but I’m not exactly sure why you’re asking him about this?”

“Honestly, I’d just assumed that since he was so pissed that night, he probably hadn’t wrapped it up. But, hey looks like I was wrong,” she said, shrugging. “I still think you’re managing this entire situation horribly though. Not that you asked.”

“I have no idea what you mean. We talked about it, sensibly, like adults. The situation is managed, everything is fine.”

Cat pointed her finger at him. “That’s not what I mean, and you know it.”

Ragnor sighed. “How is it that we always get onto the topics of your personal lives? It’s almost as if, after all these years, you haven’t realised that I find it infinitely tedious.”

“Yes, and its almost as if, after all these years, you still haven’t realised that our group interactions don’t all revolve around you, Ragnor,” Cat said. Their jibing was entirely good natured. In fact, it was their most common method of communication with one another. They were an unconventional group of people, and not at all prone to casual compliments or conversations that could be described in any way as, ‘Normal.’ Magnus wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Okay then, Ragnor. Since you don’t want to talk about our personal lives, let’s talk about yours,” Magnus suggested. The conniving grin worn proudly on Magnus’ face assured the other man that he wasn’t getting out of this conversation, not a chance in hell. Ragnor’s interrogation lasted for around fourty-five minutes, he could be incredibly stubborn when he wanted to be. Eventually, Magnus had pulled out of Ragnor that he had recently re-entered the world of polyamory, something that he had once claimed to have left behind in a previous life. Ragnor had apparently been in an open relationship for the past six months and hadn’t told a single one of them about it, the man was a genius at deception and even more talented at omission. Though, after Magnus’ unrelenting questions, he had divulged that his partners’ name was Meika, a certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology, and brown hair. Three facts. It wouldn’t seem like a lot to most people, but to Magnus, Cat and Raphael, they felt as if they’d just spent the past quarter of an hour trawling through Ragnor’s personal diary entries, as if he would be trusting enough of the world with his thoughts to even keep one in the first place.

“Okay, that’s enough. I have been far too indulgent with you all, I refuse to answer anymore of your ridiculous questions,” Ragnor said, and they knew he meant it this time.

“Fine,” Magnus said. “I think it’s about time we move onto Raphael anyway.”

The rest of the night progressed in the same fashion, the four of them relentlessly ridiculing, insulting and interrogating one another. It was more or less perfect, everything Magnus could ever want. Well, it wasn’t quite everything, but It was close enough, for now. Somewhere around midnight, Magnus pulled himself upright with the help of the table and announced, “I propose a toast. To friendship– no, no, scratch that. To family.”

Ragnor replied, “If you fools are the closest thing I have to family, I really must start to decipher where I’ve gone wrong and how I can begin to fix my mistakes.” 

Cat beamed, clinking her glass a little too roughly against Magnus’ and echoing the sentiment, “To family!” Raphael just rolled his eyes. The night ended in a blur, with Magnus having a less than perfect recollection of events the next morning. Once he had spent the majority of boxing day nursing himself back to full health, Magnus had decided to spend the rest of the Christmas holidays in a similar fashion, though with much less overindulgence.

Spontaneously, he and Catarina went to a stand-up comedy gig which, for reasons that became apparent as the show went on, still had entry readily available on the door. Even so, he and Cat cheered supportively throughout, nursing just two simple drinks against all temptations to indulge. The desire to be intoxicated was far less than the desire to not disappoint Ragnor, who he was supposed to be attending a poetry reading with the next day. It was much more Ragnor’s thing than Magnus’, but the younger man could appreciate any form of art that required effort and he loved seeing how excited Ragnor got at these things. On new years eve, he and Raphael embarked on a five-mile hike somewhere up in the hills. Magnus honestly had no idea where he was, he simply trusted Raphael to guide them. It was something they did regularly, never in the same place more than a few times, but always in the most beautiful, serene locations that made for a luxuriously quiet mind. Once that had been conquered, Magnus went home to shower and drown himself in copious amounts of caffeine before getting ready to go out and make up for his lack of alcohol consumption over the recent days.

Honestly, it was wonderful. The holidays had been spent doing things that he loved with the people that he loved, developing healthy habits and breaking out of bad behaviours. It felt great, spending his time exactly how he wanted to. It did belong to him, after all. That was the high he was riding all night, purely a natural one, but powerful, nonetheless. It was around 10am the next morning that he came crashing down, without an ounce of grace. One glance at his phone on the bedside table and he was jolted back into reality. Holy shit, he thought, please let that have been a dream. Please, please, pleas– shit. One swipe of the screen was all it had taken; the message thread had popped right up in Magnus’ face.

I have plenty. Rope. Manhandling. Breath play. To name a few.  
_Delivered 03:19._

No. There were simply no words for this. What a colossal mistake he’d made. Magnus Bane did not drunk text people. People drunk texted Magnus Bane. Though, it would appear, that there was something about this particular person that had broken Magnus’ own rule. It wasn’t unprecedented, though the last individual for whom Magnus had broken his own rules for had caused nothing but trouble. Since then, he had not only reinforced his compliance with his old rules, but he’d created a few more for good measure. It seemed that he may need to add a new clause. Magnus Bane did not drunk text people, including Alexander Lightwood. Mortified, Magnus shook his head. He needed a shower, to clear his head and then figure out how on earth he was going to stem the regret flowing through him like a tsunami.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is a lyric from Oliver Heldens X Becky Hill - Gecko.


	8. i can't read your mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I say this every time but, this chapter was so fun to write!

Alec had passed the bar just in time for his twenty third birthday. It had taken him two years to complete his undergraduate degree, as opposed to the traditional four, and once he’d been accepted into his first-choice law school, he’d spent the next three years of his life studying, and doing little else. It was rare for anybody to be a qualified lawyer at such a young age, but Alec’s persistence at succeeding in his chosen field hadn’t stopped there and he had interviewed for firm after firm before finally securing himself a place at the bottom of Penhallow & Eilish’s food chain. In contrast to his counterparts, the grunt work didn’t bother Alec. It was exactly what he’d signed up for by fast-tracking his undergraduate degree and he’d known that. Though he’d passed every exam with flying colours, his lack of practical experience would make him the companies weakest link until he learned the tricks of the trade, and he wasn’t afraid to admit it. Alec made a point of observing those around him, learning from mistakes and successes alike. There was no job beneath him, no complaints about the cases that kept him awake until the early hours of the morning, hunting out a loophole in the law or a forgotten file that set precedent for whatever off-the-wall stunt Purchase was trying to pull that week. Alec didn’t complain because he knew the experience was invaluable, he was learning three times as quickly as those who clocked on at nine and off at five. There was no doubt that, at the end of the day, Alec was going to come out of this in a better position than his fellows who asked about the overtime or complained that, “This isn’t in my job description.”

The workaholic tendencies that Alec exhibited had served not only to get him the experience and practical knowledge that he’d needed, but also to get him well and truly noticed. Within the first year of Alec’s employment, he'd heard murmurs of an opportunity for progression, the chance to move one small rung up the ladder. Three hours after his interview, he'd gotten the call. The job was his, if he wanted it, which of course he did. It had continued to be an upward climb from then onwards, and within two years he'd managed to make enough of a name for himself that he was the closest thing to a right-hand man that Purchase allowed himself to have. Now, at the age of twenty-five, Alec remained proud of everything he had accomplished professionally. It was an extremely rewarding profession, being able to tangibly see the differences that you made to people’s lives wasn’t something that everybody could experience and for that, Alec was grateful. Though, something that he had neglected to take care of in his seven years of adulthood, was his personal life.

That didn’t include his relationships with his siblings. They had never been, and would never be, neglected. The things Alec had never bothered with were friendships, relationships, intimacy, interests, hobbies, socialising and developing any sort of life outside of work. The longer he’d left it, the more insurmountable it had seemed. Occasionally, he would get dragged out with his siblings and their partners and friends, and he’d made one short-lived attempt at a relationship in his early twenties, but other than that, his life really had been devoid of any personal touches for a very long time. If he were being honest, he’d admit that it did get him down from time to time. It hurt to see Isabelle and Jace and even Max now, with boyfriends and girlfriends that they could kiss and hug, share drinks with, hold hands with, fight with, flirt with and be themselves with. Sometimes, it frustrated him that when something funny happened at work, the only person he could tell the story to was his little sister, who probably only picked up the phone because she felt sorry for him. No, he knew that wasn’t true. Isabelle didn’t pity him, he knew that, but once in a while he couldn’t help but listen to the doubts that he pushed away so frequently.

It wasn’t something that was a huge problem for Alec, this loneliness. Honestly, he had long ago become accustomed to the feeling and was well-adjusted to the fear that it was going to be a permanent fixture in his life. It kept him awake at night, but only occasionally. The problem, he told himself, was other people. It wasn’t that he never socialised, that he closed himself off to friendships and made no effort with people whatsoever. It was just that those he found himself surrounded by were, well… they were idiots. The people he worked with were insufferable enough, even without attempting to put up with them outside of a professional context. Izzy’s friends were irritating, Jace’s were obnoxious and Max’s were teenagers. Sadly, that put an end to the list of Alec’s options. It was pathetic, Alec knew, but it was his reality, so he accepted it. Not forever, because no matter what people may think, Alec was an optimist. But he accepted it, nonetheless.

On new years day, these were the thoughts that Alec found himself tripping over in an attempt to sort through his jumbled mind. It was past noon and he was still grappling with one of the worst hangovers he’d caused himself in a long time. Or maybe it only felt worse because the pain of the previous ones had already passed, whereas this pain was still very much present. It likely felt worse in the moment because he was experiencing it then and there, instead of suffering through the memories of something long gone. Alec couldn’t be sure but, honestly, it really didn’t matter. The panic he felt couldn't be diminished, no matter how much logic he applied. It was always the same with his hangovers. Not only did he experience the excruciating physical repercussions, he spent a large portion of the next day trying desperately to dampen down the feelings of anxiety that flared. Usually, it was caused by persistent regret over his actions the previous night. Even when they weren’t as drastic as his current predicament, they were still the result of lowered inhibitions and, though he enjoyed losing control over himself like that in the moment, it always seemed to come back and haunt him.

“Fucks sake, Alec. Get a grip,” he muttered to himself, the heel of his hands pressing harshly into the sockets of his eyes. The sooner he did it, the better. This bloody text wasn’t going to send itself. What was it Isabelle had said? To ask Magnus how he was, make a joke to break the ice. The most important thing was not to overthink it. Overthinking will overcomplicate, and it was already complicated enough. It was easier said than done, but he managed to cobble something together that he was fairly happy with in under five minutes, which he considered to be a reasonable amount of time to spend drafting a text. Often, texts would take him hours, if not days, to write. In the end, he was as happy as he was going to be with the result and forced himself to press send without delay.

Hi, Magnus. I was going to say morning, but it looks like I’ve slept through that… I hope you took your own advice and had plenty of food and water last night, I unfortunately did not :(  
_Delivered 13:11._

Honestly, he was half-anticipating that Magnus simply wouldn’t respond. The answering vibration of his phone had him equal parts terrified and relieved. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Alec muttered continuously under his breath, forcing himself to read the message.

Good afternoon, Alexander. I also did not take my own advice and as a result, have spent the entire morning in too poor a state to leave the couch. It’s a shame, really, that alcohol renders us so utterly incapable the next day. It does feel like such a waste, but we must allow ourselves some leniency once in a while.  
_Received 13:16._

I hope you get better soon, Alexander!  
_Received 13:17._

It seemed, at least, that Magnus was taking this all in good humour. Thankfully, he hadn’t chosen to make a series of severely intoxicated and undeniably stupid decisions with somebody who couldn’t at least laugh about it with him. Or maybe, he reminded himself, Magnus wasn’t laughing with him, but at him. Once he’d drafted his next text, Alec hovered over the send button. Hands shaking, he was unsure how far he should take this. It was difficult, after all, to gauge someone’s intentions from a cluster of pixels on a screen, and the last thing Alec wanted to do right now was offend Magnus. There was only one thing for it. Alec just needed to hope that Magnus was, in fact, laughing _with_ him. Throwing caution to the wind, Alec hit send.

Twice in two weeks is once in a while for you…  
_Delivered 13:20._

Honestly, it wasn’t even that risky. The lack of experience Alec had accumulated in this area, combined with his naturally cautious nature, was what had pushed that text so far out of his comfort zone.

Hey, don’t push your luck. I was only just starting to like you, Alexander. I think, at this rate, we’ll have to return to being sworn enemies again.  
_Received 13:22._

I could live with that, if sworn enemies are allowed to drunkenly flirt with one another at leisure. Otherwise, I’m not sure I can make that commitment.  
_Delivered 13:24._

Since we seem to be making a habit of it…  
_Delivered 13:24._

You’re right, we may have to rethink this.  
_Received 13:25._

Alexander, do you think you’ve reached the stage of your hangover in which sobering-up food is required?  
_Received 13:27._

It couldn’t be. Magnus wasn’t asking if Alec wanted to get food with him, he couldn’t be. It didn’t make any sense, they weren’t friends. They were colleagues who, up until recently, had only tolerated one another for professional purposes. There must be a way around this. Alec couldn’t respond as though he thought Magnus was inviting him out for lunch because, in all likelihood, he wasn’t. But what if he was? What else could he possibly have meant by that text? If, and it was an if, Magnus was asking Alec to get food with him, Alec didn’t want to reply in a way that made it seem like he wasn’t interested. He had to cover both bases, not make any assumptions but also not miss his window of opportunity. Why on earth was he so bothered about this anyway? Alec was still hungover and in no real state to stomach a plate of food in front of him. In reality, all he should want was to curl up on his couch and fall asleep with the lullaby of Jeremy Springer in the background. So, why on earth was he so caught up on the idea of lunch with Magnus?

I think food is probably a good idea right about now. Have you managed to stomach anything yet?  
_Delivered 13:31._

Nope, not yet. I was just trying to persuade myself to get up and head to this great place near me called the Cosy Club. They do these wicked vegan breakfasts (my go to hangover cure). It’s only a two-minute walk from Vicar Lane, if you fancied joining me? Only if you’re up to it ;)  
_Received 13:33._

Well, fuck. Honestly, Alec didn’t have the smallest clue what was happening or how he felt about it, but he couldn’t bring himself to care one bit. 

Yeah, that sounds good. What time were you thinking?  
_Delivered 13:35._

I can be there in twenty minutes, but there’s no rush if that’s too short notice. I know how difficult it can be to move quickly in this state…  
_Received 13:36._

No, that’s no problem. I’ll meet you outside at around two?  
_Delivered 13:37._

See you then, Alexander.  
_Received 13:37._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is a lyric from secondcity - 'I wanna feel.'


	9. oh, don't be shy

Wednesday, 1st January 2020. 13:57.

“Hello, Alexander.”

The sound of Magnus’ voice behind Alec startled him, pulling his attention swiftly away from his phone as he turned to face the other man. Alec nodded his head in greeting. “Hey Magnus.”

“Did I make you jump?”

Alec frowned. “No, course not.” He had, but there was no way Alec was going to let him know that.

Magnus took a step toward Alec, who watched as Magnus’ eyes trailed upwards, starting close to the floor and ending up on his own gaze. “You’ve somehow managed to look as handsome as ever, even with a hangover,” he remarked.

“Hardly,” Alec snorted. Quickly, he added, “Not that I’m saying I usually look handsome, just that I… I don’t…”

Magnus raised a finger to Alec’s lips, hovering just an inch away from his skin. “I understand.”

In that moment, Alec knew that he’d miscalculated. There was no way he could make it through this without saying or doing something idiotic, something that would send a shudder through him as he lay in bed counting sheep years later. Even at the best of times, verbal communication was not something that Alec thrived at. Honestly, he didn’t thrive at any form of social interaction. The cherry on top of this recipe for disaster was the wave of nausea still pulsing its way through Alec, slowly but surely interfering with any coherent, rational thought he tried to curate.

“You’re gonna have to excuse me if I’m being illiterate, Magnus. My brain isn’t working properly today. I think alcohol just, it makes everything more difficult. It’s like everything in my head is all muddled together, nothing quite makes sense.”

“Tequila brain. I know exactly what you mean,” Magnus replied. Then, thankfully, he took a step back from Alec and strode past him to the entrance. It took Alec a moment to realise what was happening; Magnus was holding the door open for him. Equal parts expectant and teasing, Magnus was looking at him as if to say, “Well, what are you waiting for?” Alec nodded in gratitude as he slipped past Magnus, adding a small, “Thanks,” which came out as more of a croak. Alec couldn’t repeat himself, just in case Magnus had heard him the first time. Then it would seem like Alec was thanking him twice, as if he were demanding a, “You’re welcome,” from Magnus. Instead, he just prayed that his business-like nod had sufficed.

Once inside, he held back for Magnus. “Lead the way,” he offered.

They ended up right at the edge of the restaurant, overlooking the busy crisscross of the city from large windows that made up the entirety of the external wall. It was full of character, this restaurant. The walls were adorned with paintings and portraits that seemed to have no real correlation to one another. The tables were seemingly made from many different types of wood, none of the colours, patterns or textures quite matching one another. In each section of the restaurant was different flooring. The walls had been plastered with about five different styles of wallpaper, where one design ended, another began. It was a complete mess but, bizarrely, it all seemed to pull together into something actually stylish. The décor was entirely unconventional, yet somehow remained tasteful. It pushed every known boundary without breaking a single one. Oddly, it reminded Alec of Magnus. The man’s style was his own, unique in the best way possible. Magnus wearing a plain shirt and jeans was about as unrealistic as matching light fixtures in this place, which of course were nowhere to be seen.

Even the employees were stylish, Alec thought, as he noted the attire of the waiter heading their way. Dressed in a fitted shirt and suit trousers, his waistcoat, with its ice white floral designs emerging from the navy-blue background, managed to be bold but not obnoxious. It made Alec feel slightly underdressed in his standard black jeans and worn grey hoodie.

“Can I get you some drinks?”

To Alec’s surprise, Magnus didn’t hesitate before responding, “Good morning, Arthur. How are you today?”

The man, Arthur, smiled and said, “I’m okay, Magnus. How are you?"

“I’m wonderful, my dear, if not a little hungover. Speaking of which, I need food, and I need it now. Would you be a darling and bring me a vegan all day breakfast, a very watered-down tequila sunrise, a jug of water for the table, and…”

It took Alec a moment to respond. Well, two. One to process the fact that Magnus was requesting _alcohol_ , and one to realise that he was expected to talk now. “Oh, um, can I just have a, uh, vegan breakfast, and a coke. Please?”

Arthur smiled. “Of course, gentlemen. I’ll bring your drinks right away, and the food as soon as it’s ready.” Collecting both menus, untouched, from the table, he turned to walk away, but, not before he’d caught Magnus’ eye and _winked_ at him, actually winked. Unsure as to what the joke was, Alec just hoped that it wasn’t him.

There was a moment of silence before Alec said, “I didn’t know you were vegan.” He hadn’t meant to say it, he hadn’t meant to say anything, but tequila brain, as Magnus had called it, was in full effect.

“You know, that might be because we’ve only managed to have one successful conversation in the entire time that we’ve known each other,” Magnus said, tone clearly teasing. It was something that Alec wouldn’t have picked up on as little as a month ago and, thinking back, Alec couldn’t believe he’d been so dense. Of course Magnus was joking, he couldn’t have made it more obvious if he’d tried. But that was exactly the kind of comment that Alec had misinterpreted in the past for Magnus being rude or difficult to work with.

Alec opened his mouth, then closed it again. “You might be right,” he admitted.

Magnus smiled. “It’s been about… three years, I’d say. It’s just normal to me now, something that I don’t even have to think about, which I guess is why it doesn’t come up much in conversation. Plus, I’m always rather hesitant about being seen as pushing my beliefs onto others.”

Alec nodded. “I’m the same, really. If people ask questions, I’ll answer, but I don’t go around flaunting it,” he said, flinching slightly as the words left his mouth. It had been purely unintentional, but he’d almost quoted, word for word, his own explanation to Magnus about why he didn’t often discuss his sexuality in the workplace.

“I think I’m sensing a pattern here. You keep a lot of things to yourself,” Magnus said. Grinning, he went on, “Even when you were drunk, I couldn’t get you to spill the beans.”

Right on cue, a blush began to spread across Alec’s cheeks. Unsure where to look, his eyes jumped from table to table, to his hands, to the painting behind Magnus, before finally forcing themselves to where they were supposed to be. Desperately, he willed the blood to stop rushing to his face and said, “Yeah, about that. I, uh, I’m sorry about that. I was, um, I was pretty drunk. Embarrassing, really.”

Magnus examined a small chip in his nail polish, pursing his lips in what looked like slight irritation. Alec had no idea how long it had taken Magnus to paint his nails, or how long it would take to fix the chip, but he was certain that he could spend whole days practising and still not be able to get his nails as neatly painted as Magnus’. Eyes still on his chipped varnish, Magnus said, “Well, out of the both of us, logic states that I should be the more embarrassed one. But, I’m not, and you shouldn’t be either. Of all my new years eve horror stories, this one was actually pretty tame.”

Alec raised his eyebrow at Magnus. “Continue…”

“I’m not sure you want to know.”

“Oh, I’m sure I do.”

“Well, most of my entertaining drinking stories are from my teenage years, before I’d learned how to handle the booze. I remember, when I was… fourteen, I think, I was living with my foster mom at the time. The neighbours all used to take it in turns to host the new years eve party. This year, the people across the road from us were doing it, but by this age I was wanting to have friends over instead of going over there with the adults,” Magnus explained, already smiling to himself at the memory. “I think, by around eight, we’d ran out of whatever tiny amount of alcohol they’d all brought over. So, I had the bright idea of going over the road to join the party.”

“Oh, I can see where this is going.”

“I still cringe to this day,” Magnus said, shaking his head slightly. “I can’t believe I’m telling you this, but anyway. So, we went over the road and started helping ourselves to their drinks. I have no idea how long we were there for but, pretty soon I started feeling really sick. I remember knowing I was going to throw up so I snook away to find a bathroom, but there was somebody in there, so I found a bin instead. Then by the time I got back downstairs, everybody was shouting, in a massive uproar about something or other. I was so confused, then all of a sudden my friend grabbed my arm and said we had to go, so we all ran back to my place. I don’t really remember anything after that, just a bit more throwing up, I think. I know that we were in bed ridiculously early, teenage stamina. Then, in the morning…” Magnus trailed off as noticed Arthur heading in their direction, tray of drinks held skilfully aloft as he weaved in and out of the mismatched tables.

“Here we are,” Arthur said, tone way too chipper for Alec’s hangover to get on board with. “One watered-down tequila sunrise, one coke, and a jug of water for the table,” he said, placing their drinks carefully on the table. Then, Alec didn’t know how he hadn’t noticed it before, he pulled a candle from his tray and popped it down right in between them. Alec could almost certainly see the edges of a smile pulling at the corners of his mouth as he held a lighter against the wick. “Enjoy,” he said, then turned and walked away.

Magnus blinked, once, then again, three times, before giving a slight shake of his head and picking up where he left off. “So, anyway, where was I? Oh, yes, the morning. So, the next day, I found out that my idiot of a friend had snuck into their shed, found their fireworks and started setting them all off. Bearing in mind that this was hours before midnight, and these people had gone all out for this party. They must have spent hundreds of dollars on these fireworks, they were fuming. It was awful, at the time but, retrospectively quite amusing. Oh, and to make matters worse, it turns out that the bin I’d found to be sick into, wasn’t actually a bin."

“No, don’t tell me.”

“It was a laundry basket.”

“Oh Jesus,” Alec said, struggling to contain his laughter. “That’s awful, Magnus. I thought my siblings were stupid, but that’s something else.”

“That’s not even the worst story I have, that’s just the first. See, I told you,” Magnus laughed. "Our new year’s story is barely even a story compared to that one. Really, nothing to be embarrassed about.”

“Well, maybe. I’m not convinced. I don’t exactly get to choose my embarrassment.”

Magnus frowned. “Of course you do. Who else gets to choose it?”

“Nobody,” Alec said, confusion clear in his tone. “It’s not something you get to choose, it’s just something you feel. There’s no way to control what you feel embarrassed over.”

“You sound very sure of yourself, Alexander.”

Alec huffed. “Yeah, because I am. Embarrassment isn’t a choice. You can’t just pick and choose your emotions.”

“I think that may be the key difference here, Alexander. I don’t see embarrassment as an emotion. Now, sadness, that’s an emotion. Happiness, anger, they’re emotions. But, embarrassment? It’s more of a… side effect, of certain situations. I think there are some instances in which we will have no option but to feel either happy or sad, but I can’t think of a single situation in which a person would have no choice but to be embarrassed. It’s all perspective, and my perspective is that nothing is ever worth being embarrassed about.”

“You make it sound so simple. Let’s say you’re right, embarrassment isn’t an emotion, it’s a side effect. You’re seriously telling me that you can’t think of a single scenario in which embarrassment would be a side effect? What about if you struck out and got rejected? Or if you made a mistake at work and it cost someone their case?”

“If I was rejected, I may feel sad, if I really liked the person. If I made a mistake at work, I may feel disappointed, determined not to make the same mistake again. But, would I feel embarrassed? No. I think it’s a pointless societal construct, it serves no purpose whatsoever. Sadness, anger, disappointment, all of those negative emotions actually have a purpose. They can motivate you, teach you, make you stronger or wiser, but embarrassment does none of those things. It’s a complete waste of time.”

“Well, I agree with you, but I don’t think it’s that simple,” Alec argued. “If we could pick and choose every side effect of a situation, life would be a lot simpler. But we can’t, and I can never choose not to be embarrassed. It happens whether I like it or not, no matter how pointless it is.”

“I think we may have to agree to disagree here, Alexander.”

“I think we might.”

Magnus’ eyes flicked down to the candle between them and back up at Alec’s. “I’m glad we can get along like this. It might not seem it, but I really am not a person who enjoys conflict. Especially not with somebody as beautiful as you, because then it’s just plain frustrating.”

Rolling his eyes at Magnus’ comment, Alec agreed, “Yeah, me too. Though,” Alec started, before pausing. Seemingly debating with himself, he tapped his nails against the table before asking, “Out of curiosity, why did you hate me so much? Was it just my lack of any outward personality?”

Magnus hesitated. “I’m not sure it’s the best idea to delve back into all of this again, just as we seem to be getting on so well,” he joked. Purposefully light-hearted, his tone was intended to disguise a genuine fear of rocking a boat that had only recently been stabilised.

“Oh, come on. It can’t be that bad, can it?”

“It’s not bad, I just… I, no, nevermind. You’re right, it’s not that bad. We can talk about this, if you’re sure you want to?”

“I’m sure.”

“Okay, just bear in mind that I don’t think this way anymore, alright?”

Magnus waited for Alec to nod before he began. “Your lack of personality, or what I perceived to be a lack of personality, was definitely a part of it. Honestly, I completely misunderstood you. I mistook your private nature for an aloof, pretentious attitude. I missed your dry humour, your use of irony and sarcasm and simply thought you were rude and standoffish. I saw your passion and competitive spirit as a willingness to climb over anybody on your way up the ladder. There was one time, with the O’Connell case, do you remember?”

It must have been three or four months ago now; Alec and Magnus had needed to put their heads together on a case. They’d both been privy to the finer details at one point or another, so it made sense for them to collaborate. It made sense, if you overlooked their complete distaste for one another. But then again, an unfriendly work environment was something Coward and Purchase aimed for, and everybody knew it. It had taken them days of trawling through every report ever made on the case, when Magnus had finally spotted a discrepancy. It had been his idea to seek out a potential witness, but because of commitments he had to something else he was working on at the time, he hadn’t been able to follow it up. This had left Alec to talk to the witness, ask all the right questions and inevitably make a long-awaited breakthrough in the case.

“Of course I remember. I’ve always felt awful about that, Magnus–”

“So, why did you do it then?”

“I didn’t,” Alec insisted. “That’s the thing, I didn’t. I explained to Purchase that it had been your idea to talk to the witness, that we’d done all the hard work together and it was only by chance that I was the one asking the questions, not you. But then, we had that big team meeting with Langford, remember? Coward was late, so Purchase decided to steal credit for his team because Coward wasn’t there to say anything. Obviously, we weren’t going to correct him, not in front of Langford. But it was never me who took the credit, I would never do that. Truly, Magnus, that isn’t why I do this. I’m not in this for the status, or whatever. I have no interest in climbing the ladder. I only want to help people.”

"I can’t believe… I can’t believe I let that fool get in my head. Purchase and his office politics,” Magnus tutted. He shook his head, before admitting, “I really hated you for that, you know.”

Alec huffed, “Yeah, I know. I have eyes, Magnus, and if looks could kill…”

They only managed to hold each other’s gaze for a moment before breaking into laughter. It was difficult enough to keep a straight face, never mind with that bloody candle flickering up at them. Maybe, Alec thought, this hadn’t been a mistake after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is a lyric from The Killers - Glamorous Indie Rock & Roll. One of my all time favourite albums. I could go on about that all day but I won't... since it's completely unrelated to the story.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I did struggle with writing this one slightly, just because I have a lot going on at the moment and my attention kept being drawn elsewhere, but once I was able to focus it got easier. I'm also really pleased with how it turned out, because so many of the lines / stories in there are influenced by my own life and experiences, so reading it is pretty funny for me. I hope it's also funny to everybody else though, and not just me.


	10. anytime, anyplace, anywhere

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly adore this chapter so much, which sounds a little conceited but I really do. It's taken me a bit longer than usual to write, mainly because I'm super busy at the moment, but hopefully it's worth the wait!

Monday, 6th January 2020. 07:14.

It had been five days since Alec had seen Magnus. Once they’d finished their lunch on Wednesday, they’d split the bill and gone their separate ways. Sometimes, Alec couldn’t believe that it had actually happened. Though he didn’t doubt his own memory, it just didn’t seem at all real. What on earth had possessed them? Why had they decided to go and get lunch, casually, as if it was something they did all the time? Or even, something that they had done before, ever? It was as if he’d been in some sort of trance, temporarily forgetting the rules of society. Or at least, his own rules for society. Granted, it was only lunch, but it was lunch with Magnus Bane. Alec Lightwood did not just have lunch with Magnus Bane. Well, he didn’t used to. There had been a time when Alec would have recoiled at the idea of a drunken hook-up with Magnus, when he would have laughed in the face of anyone who told him that one day he would enjoy the other man’s company. Yet, here they were. So, maybe, Alec Lightwood _can_ just go and have lunch with Magnus Bane. It’s not like the world had ended at the sight of Magnus swapping one of his sausages for a piece of Alec’s toast. It turned out that Magnus would do anything for a slice of toast, while Alec couldn’t get enough of whatever meat substitute this place used. Alec definitely intended to come here again, the question though, was whether or not that would be with Magnus.

On new years day, it had been easy for them to ignore that it was a little strange for them to be meeting up outside of work without any apparent reason, both too hungover to really care. But, now, it seemed a little too daunting to simply suggest that they do the same again. Maybe because, if this happened more than once, then it actually had to mean something. Now, Alec could rationalise, all that had happened was two colleagues clearing the air after some drunken texts, taking the opportunity to grab some food at the same time. It had purely been a functional meeting, to make sure there was no underlying tension when they returned to work, so there was no reason for it to happen again. There was no justification, or none that Alec could think of, to ask Magnus if he wanted to meet for lunch, have a few drinks or spend time any sort of time together outside of work. So, he hadn’t. It was excusable, explainable, understandable, what they’d done on new years day. But, now? It wasn’t any of those things. It was suggestive, meaningful and, perhaps, a little dangerous. For those reasons, Alec hadn’t suggested that they meet up. Neither had Magnus, though Alec couldn’t predict the other man’s reasons for that. Though, that didn’t mean that communication had stopped completely. It certainly hadn’t; they’d been texting each other on and off since that day, actually more on than off.

That was just what I needed. My hangover is almost non-existent now. Thank you for the wonderful company, Alexander. I hope you’re feeling better.  
_Received 17:04._

No thank you Magnus, for introducing me to that place. I’ll definitely have to take Izzy soon, she’d love it. I’m feeling much better, thankfully. I feel like I could sleep for a week though.  
_Delivered 17:07._

I wouldn’t advise it. You’d have to miss at least two days of work if you did that and we all know how Purchase feels about tardiness…  
_Received 17:09._

Yeah well, what’s he gonna do, sack me? Trust me, I’d love it. Then he’d actually have to do some of his own bloody work…  
_Delivered 17:11._

Oh my, Alexander, look at that bite! I knew you had it in you ;)  
_Received 17:12._

I like that you trust me enough to talk shit about your boss. For all you know, I’m sending him screenshots of these messages right now.  
_Received 17:13._

Yeah, as if you have his personal number.  
_Delivered 17:15._

That’s your only problem with what I just said?  
_Received 17:16._

Oh come on, Magnus. If you wanna play that game, I’m pretty sure I have equally as incriminating text messages from you. It’s not trust, it’s just mutually assured destruction ;)  
_Delivered 17:21._

Hmm, sure. I think you’re underestimating our bond, Alexander. I would never betray you like that, and you know it. Though, if you would like to secure that mutually assured destruction…  
_Received 17:24._

I, Magnus Bane, hereby declare that I absolutely detest Hector Coward of Penhallow & Eilish with every fibre of my being. He is an awful man, a shitty boss and his hair looks like a birds nest that lost a fight with a Bunsen burner.  
_Received 17:26._

There you go, now I’m screwed too x  
_Received 17:27._

You know, that is the most accurate description of his hair that I’ve ever heard. Seriously, what is it all about? Do you think he just doesn’t own a mirror?  
_Delivered 17:31._

You know, I think he may be doing it on purpose. Imagine getting ready in the morning with the intention of that being the end result. It gives you a whole new level of respect for his wife.  
_Received 17:32._

I didn’t even know he was married.  
_Delivered 17:32._

Yes, she came to one of the Christmas parties once. It was the first and last time she did. I think she must have heard enough horror stories about him to make her question her entire marriage, and it’s likely that she’s self-aware enough to realise that she wouldn’t be able to continue in her current state of denial if she hears one more story that she just can’t explain away.  
_Received 17:34._

Well, ignorance is bliss…  
_Delivered 17:40._

I feel bad for her. Unless he’s different at home. You’d think that he must be, otherwise who on earth would stay with him?  
_Delivered 17:41._

You’d be surprised what people will be willing to put up with, Alexander. I myself have put up with such despicable behaviour in my time, that with hindsight, I’ve been absolutely baffled at my own level of tolerance for bullshit.  
_Received 17:46._

I think it’s a combination of my tendencies to see the best in others and the worst in myself. Though, I seemed to have completely ignored both of those tendencies when it came to you, my dear.  
_Received 17:47._

If you were seeing the best in me, I must really be awful ;) I know what you mean though, I’ve been there myself. Hindsight can be a useful thing, but it also makes you want to bang your own head against a wall for about twenty minutes.  
_Delivered 17:53._

I wish life came with cheat codes.  
_Delivered 17:54._

It does, darling, just one - tequila + dancing + crying = solution to all of life’s problems.  
_Received 18:01._

Tell that to yourself five hours ago. I’m pretty sure you were thoroughly regretting your, ‘Solution to all of life’s problems.’  
_Delivered 18:04._

I have no regrets, Alexander. I don’t believe in them.  
_Received 18:06._

Oh no, is this gonna be the, ‘I don’t believe in embarrassment,’ debate all over again? I think it depends on your definition of regret. I think, similar to shame, that a little regret can be useful once in a while.  
_Delivered 18:09._

I wouldn’t know. I have no shame.  
_Received 18:10._

Of course you don’t. I wish I could walk in your shoes, just for a day. The way that your mind works is so different to mine. It’s fascinating.  
_Delivered 18:13._

You can walk in my shoes anytime you like, Alexander ;)  
_Received 18:16._

I’m going to have to say goodbye for now, darling. Catarina has just arrived and I owe her a cocktail and a story, or so she says. Enjoy the rest of your night, Alexander.  
_Received 18:17._

Have a good night, Magnus x  
_Delivered 18:18._

Impulse was not something Alec often acted on, but lately he’d been breaking a lot of his own rules. Putting a kiss on the end of his text had been a spur of the moment decision, he hadn’t allowed himself time to overthink it. There wasn’t much of a reason for doing it, he’d just felt that it conveyed much more of what he wanted to say than a simple full stop. The way Alec saw it, he could always claim that it had been an accident. Though, the next time it happened, three days later, it would have been harder to pretend that it hadn’t been intentional, but Alec wasn’t too bothered. He had been thoroughly, and embarrassingly, ecstatic to check his phone and see a text from none other than Magnus Bane, saved so crudely in his phone as just, ‘Bane.’

I hope you’re having a great time with your brother, Alexander. Usually, at this point in the year, I’m already dreading going back to work, but now that I know I have some eye candy in the office, I’m actually quite looking forward to it. Not that you weren’t attractive before, but now that I know you’re not a complete wanker, I can allow myself to admire your natural beauty.  
_Received 20:54._

Over lunch on Wednesday, Alec had told Magnus all about Max coming over to stay for the last few days of Christmas break. “I think he was just wanting a bit of a break from home, honestly. I offered to come and pick him up but apparently mom and dad had said he could get on the train and I’d pick him up from the station, as long as I was okay with it. I think he probably just wants to feel like he has a bit of freedom, you know? I remember feeling the same when I was his age,” Alec had explained. It was the first time Max had been allowed to travel anywhere of length by himself, and it was on Maryse's strict instructions that he kept Alec up to date with his location over text until he arrived, at which point Alec would be waiting to take him home. Alec was excited to show Max where he lived. It had been a while since he’d visited the city and even then, they had only been family trips. They had never had the chance to explore the city, just the two of them. This time, Alec could show Max all the places he wanted to see, let him do whatever he wanted, within reason.

Max loved the outdoors, there were some beautiful hiking trails nearby that Alec intended to show him. He also loved to cook, but he only ever indulged when he knew their parents were going to be out for the night. They hated any kind of mess but, according to Max, it was part of his process to leave every ingredient and utensil they owned sprawled out over the kitchen counter and not tidy a single thing until after he was finished. It was fair enough that their parents didn’t appreciate the carnage, but Alec thought it was a shame that Max so rarely got to do something that he enjoyed, so he planned to take him shopping, buy him whatever took his fancy, before letting him loose in the kitchen. There was also the option of hitting a few retail shops. The city centre had a lot more choice than their hometown, and Max had finally reached a stage where his appearance was something that mattered to him, if only remotely. Alec had also taken it upon himself to look at the film screenings for the days that Max was staying, noting a few which he thought might grab the boy’s attention. Essentially, Alec wanted Max to have a brilliantly unrestricted time, even if it was only for a weekend. Too often, Max found limitations and constraints placed upon him at home, and Alec couldn’t help but desperately try to make sure that his little brother didn’t end up repressing himself in the same way that Alec had done. The last thing he wanted was for Max to try and force himself into a box that he simply wasn’t designed for.

It’s going great Magnus, thanks. I don’t think my kitchen would agree though. I think he’s combined about three recipes into one, but somehow he’s making it work. I don’t know what to say Magnus, the word shallow comes to mind ;) I hope you’re enjoying your last opportunity to day drink before it’s back to the grind. Did you manage to persuade Cat to join in with you?  
_Delivered 21:18._

While Alec had been looking forward to spending time with his brother, Magnus had created a list of every cocktail that he wanted to drink before the 6th of January and was looking forward to working his way through that. It didn’t seem that unachievable, until you realised that Magnus’ list comprised of about six scrolls down the notes page of his phone. Alec hadn’t even realised that there were that many cocktails in existence. How many different combinations of the same types of alcohol could there really be? It turns out, a lot. Magnus had been determined that he was going to rope Catarina into the challenge with him, though Alec wasn’t sure that he’d be able to convince her. From what Magnus had told him, she seemed to get slightly less of a buzz out of being buzzed before noon than Magnus did.

It’s sweet that you’re letting him do whatever he wants, even if it is at the expense of your kitchen. I’m sure he’ll remember this when he’s a world-famous chef, or something equally as fantastic. Me, shallow? Never. I am an individual with great depth of character and I wholeheartedly reject your statement. Why, thank you for asking Alexander, I am thoroughly enjoying myself. I’m currently enjoying A Lonely Island Lost in the Middle of a Foggy Sea. It’s not often that you find a cocktail with an eleven-word name. Unfortunately, no, Cat is not partaking in my challenge. She has allowed herself to be dulled by adulthood and responsibilities that require her to be sober in the middle of the day.  
_Received 21:32._

It took us about an hour to clean but it was worth it. I’m glad you’re enjoying your bizarre cocktails, even if Cat is being too sensible to join you. I think I’m gonna crash soon. Night Magnus x  
_Delivered 23:04._

If Alec had spent the next half an hour periodically checking his phone while he was getting ready for bed, nobody had to know that. If he’d woken up the next morning and immediately checked to see if he’d received a message from Magnus, nobody had to know that either. The disappointment that he’d felt upon seeing no notifications was comparable to nothing Alec had ever experienced before. It was around noon when he’d finally heard the tell-tale vibration. The surge of excitement that had pulsed through his entire body at that simple sound was inexplicable. It had reached the stage where the nerves that Alec felt at receiving a text from Magnus were far outweighed by the happiness. Though, he still couldn’t understand why.

Good morning, Alexander. My apologies for a less than punctual response. I’ve been fast asleep for most of the morning, I think the Lonely Island wiped me out more than I’d realised. I’m heading out for lunch with some friends soon, enjoying my last day of freedom. How are you? x  
_Received 11:56._

This wasn’t polite conversation. This wasn’t checking that somebody had recovered from a hangover. It wasn’t a drunken mistake, or a necessary conversation to fix a drunken mistake. This was just… because. This was a conversation between two people for the sake of having one. There was no actual reason to ask, ‘How are you?’ other than a genuine desire to know the answer, and there was certainly no reason to put a kiss on the end of a text other than… well, Alec still wasn’t sure about the reasoning behind that one. Either for why Magnus had put a kiss or for why he himself had. It didn’t make a whole lot of sense but, then again, did it really have to?

It’s not a problem, I figured you’d be sleeping it off. I’m just out on a hike with Max and we’re meeting Izzy for food later before I drop him off at the station. I’m ready to drag myself out of bed tomorrow morning with aching muscles.  
_Delivered 13.27._

Sounds fun! Enjoy yourself, Alexander.  
_Received 13:31._

That was the last message in the thread that Alec was now staring at, after having dragged himself out of bed with aching muscles, true to his prediction. It was quarter past seven in the morning, giving him just over an hour to get ready and make it to work. Though the first part of that really didn’t take any time at all, you could never predict city centre traffic. Unable to stand the anxiety of being late, it was Alec’s habit to arrive at work much earlier than necessary. Though, today, he was getting ready even faster than usual. He didn’t want to admit it to himself, but he knew exactly why. Today was the first time he was going to be able to see Magnus in, well, it had only been five days. But five days was a long time to go without seeing somebody. It was laughable, the hundred and eighty degree turn that Alec had done, from despising Magnus to rushing around in the morning just to see the man a little sooner. It must be, Alec thought, because he had spent so much of his life without friends, that when he finally met somebody who he could tolerate, it was a relief. Clearly, Alec just wanted some form of friendship with Magnus. It was obvious, Magnus made him laugh, complimented him, made Alec feel good about himself. That was what friends were for, and Alec had been deprived of that for such a long time that he was now having slight difficulties managing his emotions towards Magnus. It would settle down with time, he was sure of it. Gradually, Alec would adjust to having somebody in his life who he could call a friend, and this excitement he felt every time he saw Magnus’ name on his screen would die down. Certainly, it would.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the city, Magnus Bane was giving himself a similar pep talk as he sat at his vanity, carefully applying a dark brown eyeliner to his waterline. Though it was true that he preferred bolder colours and more obvious make-up looks, he respected the unspoken office rules. It wasn’t anything to do with the fact that he was a man, because if it was, then Magnus would wake up an hour earlier every morning just to turn up to work with a full face of make-up, winged eyeliner and all. But, fortunately, it was a blanket rule, simply for reasons of professionalism. If the women in the workplace turned up to work with anything more than subtle make-up, they would receive the same level of scrutiny as if Magnus did. Obviously, there were always going to be some people who had a problem with a man wearing make-up, but Magnus paid no mind to them. He knew that there was no discrimination in the expectations of employees by the employers, so he had no problem adhering to the preferred subtlety. Though, that wasn’t to say that he didn’t occasionally pick up a light blue eyeliner, a dark grey eye shadow or a pretty pink lipstick and sigh, just a little.

“It’s just a crush, Magnus, it’ll pass,” he muttered to his reflection. “Just a little schoolboy crush. I mean, he’s gorgeous, who wouldn’t want him?” Magnus glared at his reflection. “Don’t look at me like that. What am I supposed to do? I can’t just give into every whim, drag him into the bathrooms and get down on my knees then and there. Be sensible,” he admonished. He glanced at his phone. It was nearing half seven, this would have to do. It’s not like he was trying to impress anybody. Or at least, that's what he was telling himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of the chapter is a lyric from Blondie - Call Me.
> 
> Thank you for reading, as always <3


	11. watch my heart turn to pulp

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while since my last upload... well, when I say a while, it's been about four days. It seems like forever though. I've been so desperate to upload this but I needed to make a few finishing touches and just couldn't find the time. Thankfully, it's all done now. I hope you enjoy! <3

Monday, 6th January 2020. 08:14.

“Morning, Alec.”

Alec glanced up at the voice, much too upbeat for this time in the morning, then promptly turned his attention back down to the coffee he was making. The free tea and coffee were one of the only good things about his job. Well, they were probably the only good things. Every morning without fail, Alec would traipse into the office, dump his bag into the locker he’d been forced to share and make a beeline for the caffeine. Fortunately, he’d been working here for long enough now that people knew not to even attempt conversation with him until he was at least halfway through his first mug of liquid tolerance. Though, this particular individual seemed to have convinced himself that Alec had a soft spot for him, that he could get away with things that others could not, which absolutely was not the case.

“Oh, come on, stop pretending. I know you love me really.”

Alec tutted, shutting the door to the fridge with just a little too much strength. He turned, meaning to take his drink over to the comfy couches in the corner of the office, a space that Alec had informally reserved as his own, but found his path blocked.

“What’s your problem, Lightwood? One minute you act like a human being and the next you’re all, ‘Grrr, I’m tall and broody and my glare could melt plastic,’ again. You’re not fooling anyone.”

“Get out of my way.”

“You get out of my way.”

“I was here first.”

“What are we, twelve?”

“I’m not twelve. You’re twelve.”

“Is that the best you can do?”

Alec clenched his jaw, staring down at the man in front of him. Every time Alec began to think he was somewhat bearable, something happened to remind him of exactly why he hadn’t given him the time of day in the first place. Clearly, he should have trusted his initial judgement. Biting back a retort that was too scathing, even for Alec’s standards, he stepped to the side and headed for his spot on the couch. Uninterrupted. That’s all he wanted to be. But clearly, Simon Lewis had other ideas. This interaction, or a version of it, had become a tradition of theirs over the years that they’d worked together. Alec’s first impression had been that this was somebody who he would absolutely never want to associate with, ever. But over time, he’d grown used to Simon and his incessant overuse of the English language, but there was no reason for him to make that common knowledge. If he admitted that the other man had become gradually more and more likeable to him as time went on, Alec would never hear the end of it. Plus, this game of theirs was far more fun than the standard office interactions of…

“Hi, you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m good. You?”

“Yes, thanks. Good weekend?

“Yeah, it was alright. You?”

“Not bad.”

It was utterly meaningless, and Alec had no time for it. Surprisingly, one of the only people he did have time for was none other than the man he had just been bickering with like a preadolescent. Undeterred by the hostility, familiar enough with Alec that his antics were no longer unsettling or off-putting, Simon didn’t hesitate before approaching the corner to which Alec had retreated.

“How was your Christmas?”

“Fine.”

“Did you go home?”

“Yes.”

“How’s your family?”

“Fine.”

“What did you do with them?”

“Stuff.”

“You don’t have much to say, do you?"

“No,” Alec said. He took a sip of his coffee, then sighed. “Fine. How was your holiday, Simon?”

“It was great! I went home to see my mom and Bubbie Helen. They’re all doing great, though Bubbie always struggles with the cold around this time of year. It’s difficult on her joints so she has to rely on my mom a lot, but that’s fine. We went to this wonderful Christmas market and I won a stuffed bear for Lily. She was so excited, she said I was her favourite uncle!”

“You’re her only uncle.”

“Yeah, well, I think I’d still be her favourite even if there was a second Lewis brother. She has good taste.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“Yeah, I’ve missed you too.”

Before Alec could even open his mouth to rebuke that ridiculous insinuation, the door to the office swung open. It had been less than a week since Alec had last seen Magnus Bane, but his sudden presence made Alec even more certain that, if he’d been missing anybody, it certainly hadn’t been Simon Lewis. The last time Alec had laid eyes on Magnus, they’d both been in the late stages of a hangover, dressed down in jumpers and jeans. Well, Alec assumed that it was dressed down for Magnus, for him it was just normal. It had been slightly odd to see Magnus in anything other than his impeccable office suits, but he had pulled off the simplicity with ease; Magnus could undoubtably turn a potato sack into the height of fashion. Now, though, this was the Magnus that Alec was accustomed to. In a deep maroon shirt, fitted black dress pants and a dark grey blazer, Magnus gleamed with power. Once upon a time, Alec would have mistaken the confidence in his stride for pure arrogance. Now, Alec aspired to have the same level of assurance in himself, to enter a room with his head held high instead of trailing his gaze trailed along the floor, hoping that his presence would go unnoticed for as long as possible. That habit was still perfectly intact, as Alec’s instinct in that moment was to make eye contact with the floor, and only the floor, until the situation miraculously resolved itself around him. Obviously, that wasn’t going to happen, and the rational part of his brain was fighting to keep those instincts at bay because there was no way he was going to ignore Magnus.

“Good morning, Alexander. Simon,” Magnus greeted, chirpy as ever.

There was a slight tremor in Alec’s hands, and he was almost certain that if he tried to speak, his voice would betray every emotion he had ever felt. Instead of a response, he sent a nod and what he hoped was a smile in Magnus’ direction.

“Hi, Magnus,” Simon replied. “Good Christmas?”

“It was lovely, thank you Simon. Some much-needed family time. What about you?”

Simon regaled the same story about the teddy bear and being the favourite uncle, while Magnus copied the route Alec had taken not ten minutes earlier, shutting his bag in his locker before making his way over to the kitchen counter. One of the rules of Penhallow & Eilish was that hot drinks must be made in a travel mug, a lid kept on at all times, unless you were in the Eating Office. This was the only room in which people could eat lunch, or remove the lid from their mug. One too many accidents with food and drink being poured all over state-of-the-art technology had left the IT department refusing to do anymore repairs unless some changes were made to combat the carelessness of the staff. It made matters awkward for the less sociable employees, as it was unlikely that they could make it through their lunch without at least one person asking how their day was going, or something equally as trivial. Alec usually overcame this by sitting on the couches in the corner of the room, his bag on the seat next to him, earphones securely lodged in his ears and eyes attached resolutely to the screen of his phone. The strategy had been developed after one too many questions about how he was going to spend his weekend, and it was almost completely effective. Occasionally, some persistent fool would attempt communication with him, despite the earphones and obvious lack of engagement. Usually, it was Simon Lewis.

Overall, though, the introduction of the Eating Office hadn’t been too much of an inconvenience. It actually forced Alec to take a break instead of just working through his lunch as he used to do, snacking on something unsubstantial as he went. He didn’t even mind about the travel mugs, it meant that he could occasionally take a much needed fifteen-minute break from his computer with the excuse of wanting to use a regular mug for a change. But, when Magnus took a thermos out of the cupboard and began to pour out a hefty amount of coffee granules, Alec was hit with an unfounded feeling of disappointment. Magnus was using the wrong mug. He wasn’t going to sit with Simon and Alec. Magnus was going to head straight out and get to work; exactly what Alec should have done. Containing a sigh, Alec looked away. Stupidly, he’d allowed himself to hope that if he'd hung around in the office while it was still quiet, he and Magnus might have the chance to catch up, if only for a moment. Just so Alec could ask him how his night had gone, whether or not he’d managed to make it through his absurd list of cocktails. Just long enough that Alec could tell him about his own night, about how he’d taken Max and Izzy to the Cosy Club and they’d both been utterly enthralled with the unique interior.

“Is this seat taken?”

Alec jolted. Stood over him, travel mug in hand, was Magnus Bane, wearing an expression of… something that Alec couldn’t quite decipher.

Typically, Alec stumbled all over his words in an attempt to respond coherently to a question that confused him. “Uh, no no, course not, um, sit. Please.”

_Please?_ So, he was begging now?

“Well, if you insist,” Magnus said, relaxing into the seat opposite Alec. Simon looked between Magnus and Alec, horror forming on his face. Ignoring him, Alec continued to sip his coffee. He could feel himself panicking slightly, not yet adjusted to this new dynamic, and desperately wanting to escape this interaction without any embarrassing fumbles. Or, any more embarrassing fumbles.

Magnus, smooth as always, simply smiled and asked, “Well, how are we this fine morning? Ready to get back to the grind?”

“Yeah, Magnus, we’re alright… how are you?” Simon asked, cautiously, as if he was explaining to a toddler that they couldn’t eat their ice cream if they hadn’t eaten their vegetables first.

“I’m doing excellently, Simon. Well-rested and ready to get back to it.”

“Well-rested,” Alec snorted. “I guess you didn’t make it through your list, then?”

“Of course you would have to rub my failure in my face, Alexander.”

Simon’s eyes resembled a pair of saucers. He opened his mouth as if to intervene, but Alec spoke first.

“How many were left?”

“Well, I managed fifty-four.”

“Out of…?”

“One hundred and seventy-nine. I think I may have been a little over-ambitious.”

“Well, shoot for the stars,” Alec said.

Magnus smiled. “I knew you were an optimist really.”

Simon frowned. “Yeah, Alec’s a real glass half full kinda guy. Has somebody hit you two on the head over the holidays? What happened to he’s a pompous prick and he’s an unprofessional flirt?” Simon demanded, the words coming out in a jumble of confusion and disbelief.

Alec’s eyes swung to Magnus, his face a picture of innocence as he said, “Maybe we’ve both just grown up a little, put our differences aside and realised–”

“Oh, for fucks sake,” Simon swore. “Raj wasn’t lying then?”

Neither man said a word.

“Dammit, now I owe him twenty dollars! I thought that was gonna be the easiest bet I ever won.”

“You bet that we didn’t have sex?” Magnus asked.

Incredulous, Simon exclaimed, “Of course I did! You two couldn’t stand each other. Raj was going around telling everyone that you’d hooked up at the Christmas party, so I called him out on his bullshit. But now you’re telling me it wasn’t bullshit, so that’s great.” He threw his hands above his head. “Of all the people, you two were the last ones I would have put together. I can’t believe it.”

“I’m sorry that us having sex has come as such as a shock to you,” Magnus said, tone dry.

“No, no, don’t get me wrong,” Simon babbled. “I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, course not. I’m happy for you two, of course. I’m glad I don’t have to put up with your bickering anymore, and that I don’t have to keep making about five extra cups of coffee a day as an excuse to walk past you and _conveniently_ remember something that Alec had been meaning to tell you because he was too afraid to come and tell you himself. Or, to just put it in a damn email,” he said, staring pointedly at Alec. “So, yeah, definitely not a bad thing. I was just surprised, and pissed off that I’m gonna have to say the words, ‘You were right,’ to Raj.”

“Well, good luck with that one,” Alec said.

There was a beat of silence as Simon looked at Alec, then Magnus, then Alec again. “Right, well, uh, I’m just gonna go… away. Now. So, yeah, uh, see you later,” he said, then flashed a grin at the pair of them and bolted for the door. Shaking his head, Alec glanced over at Magnus.

“Sorry about that,” he said.

“Don’t apologise. You’re not responsible for Lewis’ social ineptitude,” Magnus assured. “Were you really afraid to come and talk to me? I mean, I knew that you were sending Simon instead of asking me for things yourself, but I always thought that it was because you couldn’t bring yourself to _associate with the likes of me,_ ” Magnus mimicked.

“I wasn’t afraid to come and talk to you, it just seemed easier not to.”

“Fair enough,” Magnus nodded, then smiled. “Look at us, drinking coffee together like old friends. Who would’ve thought?” he laughed.

Alec shook his head. “Certainly not me."

Magnus went to sip his drink, recoiling as it touched his tongue. The thermos mugs never let heat escape quickly enough, leaving you with a scalding drink for most of the morning. Gently, he blew against the rim, watching as the steam started to rise. “I assume Max is back at home now?”

“Yeah, I dropped him off last night. He was a bit sulky about having to go. He kept asking if he couldn’t just miss a day of school. I said by all means, if he was prepared to call his mom and ask her if she was okay with it first.”

“Ha,” Magnus said. “I’m sure that went down like a lead balloon.”

“You could say that. I think he’s forgiven me though. He’s spent all morning sending me recipes he wants to try out next time he’s here, so he can’t be that mad at me.”

Magnus held Alec’s gaze. “Who could stay mad at you, Alexander?”

“You were permanently mad at me for a good year or so Magnus, so it can’t be that hard.”

“Well, all is forgiven now.”

“Of course all is forgiven. I didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Oh, don’t get petulant with me Lightwood.”

“I’m not being petulant, Bane.”

The arrival of another colleague interrupted Magnus’ retort. It was probably a good thing, as this comeback had been even more childish than the last. It didn’t stop a pang of disappointment though, that they were no longer alone. Magnus didn’t know when they would next have a chance to be alone together. Not that it mattered, of course. Magnus wasn’t in the market for a boyfriend, and he was pretty sure that Alec felt the same. There had never been any strings attached to this, and Magnus saw no reason to start now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is a lyric from Allie X - Paper Love.


	12. i'm only human, can't you see?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter and the next one were originally the same chapter, but they sort of naturally split themselves up into two. I didn't want to post them separately because I didn't want to leave you hanging, so I'm posting chapter twelve and thirteen together. Hopefully it'll be uploaded before you get to the end of this one. If not, very soon after.
> 
> I'm still so excited about this story and I have so many ideas, it's just so time-consuming getting it all down on paper, so apologies for not being as consistent with posting recently. Much love to everybody whose supporting this fic, it means the world <3

Wednesday, 8th January 2020. 13:25.

Is anything ever truly temporary, if it leaves a scar? It’s a nice idea, that nothing is permanent. Things will change, pain will pass. But the truth of the matter is that some things are permanent. Pain will diminish over time, but the marks left on your soul cannot be erased, not ever. It’s the memories that keep the suffering alive. While the scars may not be fresh, the lessons learned will never fade. It’s near impossible to come across somebody in their mid-twenties whose soul is entirely unscathed. Everybody picks up a few scratches along the way, Alec Lightwood certainly had. Each blemish had brought with it the priceless ability to say, “Well, that’s never going to happen again,” and Alec would much rather be a wise man with scars, than a naïve man without.

Alec Lightwood had lived the first nineteen years of his life without going on a single date. Finally, the closest thing he’d had to a friend at the time, Joseph Priestley, had spent weeks bugging him until he’d finally caved. Joseph had explained that his best friend of eight years, Jacob, had just moved in with him after splitting up with his long-term partner. They’d been together for a long time, almost ten years, but according to Joseph, they hadn’t been at all good for one another. Joseph had been eager for his friend to move on, and quickly. Initially Alec had rejected the idea, on the basis that he didn’t want to get involved with something that sounded somewhat unfinished. In truth, he had refused because he was terrified. This was a far, far way out of Alec’s comfort zone, a place that Alec avoided visiting at all costs. It had taken Joseph just under three weeks to set it up, in the end just passing Alec Jacob’s phone number with instructions to text him before the end of the night. Throwing caution to the wind, Alec had. It hadn’t been easy, but he’d been glad that Joseph had given him the push he needed. Alec had arranged to meet Jacob that weekend and, surprisingly, the date had gone well. It had led to another, then another, and very soon progressed into a relationship-like situation. Alec had spent most of his nights at Jacob’s, revelling in his new-found love life. It had been surprising how easily it had all become normal. For the first time in, maybe ever, Alec no longer felt like such an obvious outsider to the rest of the world.

Then, overnight, everything had gone wrong. Alec had realised that he wasn’t in love with Jacob. That alone wouldn’t have been such a bad thing, they’d only known each other for three months and nobody could demand love after that amount of time. What was such a bad thing, though, was that Alec was in love with somebody, just not his boyfriend. In a twisted turn of events, Alec had fallen in love with his Jacob’s best friend, Alec’s only friend. Never in a million years would Alec have considered himself to be a disloyal person, but people can surprise you, especially yourself. Alec didn’t really consider what he’d done to be cheating, but it certainly wasn’t loyal. One night, shortly after his realisation, Joseph had called Alec to ask if he and Jacob wanted to get a drink with him and some friends. Even over the phone, it had been obvious that he was already multiple rounds in and showing no signs of slowing down. Really, Alec should have known better. He had known better, but he’d been so desperate to see Joseph and the temptation had gotten the better of him. It didn’t help matters that Jacob had been a whole new level of uninspired that night. There’s only so many episodes of Police Interceptors you can watch on a Friday night before you begin to question your life decisions, especially those regarding your choice of boyfriend. So, Alec had agreed. His memories of that night were blurry at best, but Alec could unfortunately piece most of the snapshots together into something that resembled recollection.

Upon arrival, he’d started to drink at a rapid rate of knots. Alec knew there’d been dancing, lots of dancing. Singing, too. Joseph had even put their names down for karaoke at one point, but Alec had refused, thankfully. Completely lacking in any coordination, Joseph had dropped an entire pint of Budweiser on the dancefloor and gone to the bar to replace it, before promptly dropping that one too. Alec had laughed, telling him he needed to slow down. Not long after that, Alec had dropped a glass of his own, clearly catching up to Joseph’s level of intoxication. Alec’s jumbled memories lacked any clear timeline but he knew that, at some point in the night, they’d bumped into each other outside of the toilets. Joseph had grabbed Alec’s arm, pulling him out of the fire escape into an alley behind the club. They’d talked for a while, then kissed for a while longer. One of the first things Joseph had told Alec when he'd walked into the club was that he was going to leave his girlfriend for him. In a moment of naivety never to be replicated, Alec had truly believed that he would. They’d spent all night snatching moments with one another, sneaking away any chance they got. Alec’s lips had spent more time attached to Joseph’s that night, than they had to Jacob’s for their entire relationship.

They were waiting to be served at the bar when Joseph planted a kiss on Alec’s cheek, arm tight around his waist. “What the fuck?” Alec had heard from behind. Tensing, he’d swung around to catch a glimpse of Jacob’s fury, before he’d stormed straight through the crowd with one clear aim to get as far away from Alec as he could. Joseph had grabbed his hand and they’d pushed through the swarm of sweaty bodies after Jacob. They’d ended up outside in the bitter cold, with Joseph desperately trying to convince Jacob that what he’d seen was just a display of friendship, a friendly kiss between two drunken friends. Friends, that’s all they were. Alec had remained mostly silent, too drunk and dejected to contribute. Finally, Jacob had turned to Alec and asked him, “Are we okay?”

Alec had shaken his head, tears in his eyes, and said, “No.”

That night, Alec had broken up with Jacob. After what had felt like hours of arguing back and forth in the perpetual cold, Jacob had finally accepted what Alec was telling him. It was over. Alec had taken Joseph back to his place where they’d desperately tried to attain some level of warmth after they’d been soaked to the bone by the rain. They’d woken up next to one another, fully clothed and finally dry. They hadn’t had sex, but that didn’t make the mortification of the next morning any less drastic. Joseph had called a taxi and been out of there within ten minutes. In an epic case of bad timing, Alec had been due to travel back home for the Christmas holidays that very same day. Since Joseph had a girlfriend, that had ruled out any form of communication between the two of them until the holidays were over. Alec had tried to convince himself that it was better this way, that it made sense to wait until they could see each other and talk it out in person. But two weeks is an extremely long time to go without talking to the person you’re in love with. It’s a long time for burning questions to remain unanswered, and a hell of a long time to feel nothing but confusion, guilt and misery, all brought together with a healthy dose of family dysfunction. Those two weeks had contained some of the worst moments of Alec’s life, truly.

By the time he’d finally been able to see Joseph, he’d known that there was no future for them. If that night had meant anything more than drunken promises, Alec would know by now. Joseph owned a house with his girlfriend, he stood to lose tens of thousands of dollars if he left her for Alec. It wasn’t going to happen; he knew it wasn’t going to happen. But, at that point, Alec was just desperate to salvage his friendship with Joseph. For all that had happened between them, he was the best friend Alec had ever had. They’d helped one another, built each other up, before. It wasn’t something Alec was ready to throw away over a broken heart. Especially not when he knew that, with time, it would mend itself. They always did, or so he’d heard. Once they were back at school, they were safe to meet up without it causing a stir. They’d engaged in the appropriate amount of small talk before finally getting down to business.

“I told Chelsea.”

“What?” Alec had exclaimed. He’d known that it wasn’t what he hoped it would be, it wasn’t Joseph telling him that he’d told his girlfriend the truth so that they could be together. If it was, he wouldn’t have wasted his time with the small talk.

“I couldn’t live with the lies. I had to. I didn’t tell her everything,” he’d explained. “Just enough so that I didn’t have to lie anymore. I told her that I’d slept at yours, but I said I’d stayed on your couch.”

“Right. Okay. Did she believe you?”

She had, apparently. There had been a lot of tears, a lot of yelling, but she’d finally come to the conclusion that she trusted Joseph. If he’d told her nothing had happened, then nothing had happened. Joseph and Alec had talked, Alec mostly just listening. He hadn’t been willing to share too much of what he felt with Joseph, already feeling much too vulnerable. He’d just wanted to make sure that they were on the same page, that they could move forward in a healthy way. Obviously, it wasn’t ideal, but nothing ever was.

“I need to tell you something. I wasn’t going to tell you this, but I think…”

“Well, you have to tell me now,” Alec had said. “You can’t say that and then not tell me.”

“No, you’re right. I won’t do that to you.” Joseph had laughed, visibly uncomfortable. The amount of eye contact between them suddenly reduced by a substantial amount. “I need you to know that this was already going to happen, before all of this. There was nothing we could have done, it was already…”

“Just tell me.”

“Chelsea’s pregnant.”

Alec had choked, covering his face and turning his back to Joseph. That was the last thing he’d been expecting.

So they’d talked some more. It had been the final nail in the coffin that contained Alec’s bruised and battered heart. It had stayed that way for three more years. Alec and Joseph’s friendship had never been the same again. They’d tried, but they just couldn’t move past what had happened. No matter how hard he’d tried, Alec couldn’t help but resent Joseph for the pain he’d caused, unintentionally so. Joseph, on the other hand, had been banned from seeing Alec outside of school. They’d had the occasional coffee together in their free periods, but they’d been spotted once by a friend of Chelsea’s and it had caused Joseph so much panic, that Alec had felt too guilty to ask him next time. The simple offer of coffee with a friend had felt wrong, dirty, dishonest. So for three years, Alec had kept his heart safely hidden inside that coffin, dead and buried, with no intention for it to ever come out again. Not if he could help it. Then, when he was twenty-two, he’d met somebody. Unexpectedly, that somebody had prised each and every nail out of the coffin, one by one, until there were none left. Then all that needed to be done was for the lid to be lifted, but that was something that Alec had to do on his own. He had to be the one to take his heart of hiding, nobody else could do that part for him. It had taken a while, but he’d done it. Alec had taken a leap of faith, his first of three years, and it had been his last. Alec hadn’t trusted a single soul since then, determined to keep his heart to himself for the rest of forever. Alec didn’t believe in love, not anymore. He didn’t believe happily ever after; he didn’t believe in fate. Though, today, fate had been rather too difficult to deny.

Today, fate had come along and punched Alec straight in the face. Or maybe it had given him a great big hug, he honestly couldn’t tell anymore. Alec worked on the second floor at Penhallow & Eilish and he’d needed to be on the seventh floor for a meeting in, well, now. It was a journey he often made via the stairs, but he didn’t fancy turning up to meet Purchase red-faced and out of breath. Waiting for the lift, he was absent-mindedly picking at the sensitive skin around his fingernail, a bad habit of his since adolescence. The doors caught his attention as they slid open to reveal none other than Magnus Bane. Literally, nobody other than Magnus. Alec hesitated, taken aback for a moment. This wasn’t what he'd been expecting. Honestly, Magnus had near-constantly been on his mind since, well, he couldn’t remember, which was probably part of the problem. But, for a change, Magnus hadn’t been at the forefront of his mind when he’d pressed that button and he certainly hadn’t expected to look up and see those beautiful eyes on his, holding his gaze, not dropping it for a second.

Jolting him back into reality, the lift doors began to close. That’s how long he’d been stood there staring at Magnus. Well, that was embarrassing, to say the least. Panicked, he sprung forward and slid in between the closing doors, setting off the motion sensors and forcing the doors to pull themselves back ajar.

“Oops,” Alec said, attempting to laugh. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologise. It was my fault.”

“How?”

Magnus sighed. “Well, if my beauty wasn’t so distracting then that wouldn’t have happened now, would it?”

Alec didn’t even have to glance at the reflective walls of the elevator to know that his face had flushed a humiliatingly bright red. Damn chemistry. Or was it biology? Damn whatever it was that left him so out of control of his own body that he turned a deep shade of magenta at the smallest hint of flirting. You would think he was a fourteen-year-old boy, incapable of controlling his own pre-pubescent reactions, not a fully-grown man who could squish any one of his equivalents like the bugs that they were in a court of law. Though, it would appear that the so-called transferrable skills that being a lawyer had given him, were not transferrable to making him less of a blundering idiot in front of gorgeous men. Or, more specifically, this gorgeous man. The tension in that lift was ridiculous. They hadn’t said a single word since the doors had shut, but they hadn’t needed to. They were both travelling up to the seventh floor, and when the light had indicated that they were on the sixth, Magnus had turned and placed himself right in front of Alec. Staring up at the man, he had placed one hand against Alec’s chest, smiled, and said, “Lovely to see you, Alexander.” He’d kept his grip on Alec for a moment longer, before turning away just in time for the doors to slide open. Alec just stared as Magnus waltzed his way down the corridor, almost letting the doors close on him again. It would be a miracle if he survived the day, at this rate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is a lyric by Flume - Never Be Like You.


	13. 'cause i'm so drunk on you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in one day... not something I'll be making a habit of, that's for sure ;)
> 
> I sincerely hope you enjoy xx

Friday, 10th January 2020. 21:09.

Alec Lightwood did not know when he had begun to trust Magnus Bane, but he knew that he had. It was evidenced by the fact that his lips were currently attached to the other mans’ and he in no way intended to remove them anytime soon. The pair were at Alec’s apartment, ending their surprisingly perfect impromptu date night. Or, not. Perhaps, drinks-with-a-friend-night. Alec didn’t really know what they were calling it and, frankly, he didn’t really care. He was kissing Magnus Bane. It was a fact that, if you’d told him as little as a month ago, he would have been either disgusted or disbelieving, depending on the day. Never in a million years could he have predicted that he would feel… at ease, blissful, serene. Alec didn’t know when he had begun to trust Magnus, and he also didn’t know why. There was an awful lot that he didn’t know about the man, yet Alec felt as if he knew Magnus better than he knew anybody, except his siblings, but that didn’t count. There wasn't a lot that Alec didn’t know about every member of the Lightwood clan.

“Oh no, it’s finished,” Magnus said, a small pout pulling at his lips.

“Huh?”

“The record, Alexander. It’s finished.”

Magnus was already up and out of his seat, heading over to where Alec’s record player sat on its very own table.

“Oh right, course. Change it to anything, I don’t mind.”

Magnus turned to catch Alec’s eye over his shoulder. “Alexander?”

“Hmm?”

Magnus smiled at Alec, a hopeful gleam in his eye. “I believe, there was talk of a G&T?”

Alec huffed, also smiling. “Yeah, course. Do you want lime?”

“That would be wonderful, darling.”

“Coming right up.”

It was fair enough, really. The promise of a G&T had probably been the only reason Magnus had agreed to come back to Alec’s place. Going for drinks had been a spontaneous decision on Alec’s part, not at all like him. They’d spent the week awkwardly flirting with one another in stolen moments of privacy. Well, Alec’s flirting had been awkward, Magnus’ had been entirely perfect. It was something that Alec had used to despise about the man, the inappropriate comments he’d consistently dropped all over the workplace. Alec just hadn’t known what to do with them, where to put his shame and embarrassment in the face of Magnus’ open honesty, brazenness and pride. Now, though, Magnus’ flirtatious nature was one of Alec’s greatest joys in life. Shamelessly, he looked forward to every encounter, every glance, every accidental brush of shoulders in the corridor. It was the biggest one-eighty Alec had done since he’d gone from being convinced that he'd spend the rest of his life tortured by his unrequited love for Jace, to realising in the space of a day that what he felt for Jace was nothing like being in love. It was brotherly love, of course, he would take a bullet for Jace in a heartbeat. But the love he’d felt for Joseph had been a whole new breed of helplessness. For all the pain that it had come with, that situation had taught Alec what it meant to be in love. It had helped him to realise that he wasn’t in love with his adopted brother, something that had haunted him since the tender age of twelve years old. The pain of his heartbreak over Joseph had, as masochistic as it sounded, helped him in more ways than hindered. Pain wasn’t always futile, and there were often lessons to be learned, steps to be taken. It was all about looking in the right places, gritting your teeth and pushing forward, straight through the agonising loss into something bearable, something better and finally, something good.

Once Alec had summoned up the strength to exit the elevator after Magnus on that fateful Wednesday afternoon, he had known that something had to change. There was a very small possibility that he could survive another week like this, and even if he could, he certainly didn’t want to. Exhausted didn’t account for half of what Alec was feeling, his most recent case stealing more time than he had to give. He had gotten home on Wednesday just after eight, just enough time to grab some food before collapsing straight into his bed, ready to wake up and start the whole thing again. He had managed to escape at a slightly more humane time on Thursday, arriving home just before six. The first thing he’d done was eat. He was always ravenous after a full day’s work, and some more. The second thing he'd done was call Izzy. This was a situation that he could not navigate without sisterly advice, and he knew that she would be happy to help, as she always was.

“I don’t know what to do, Iz. It’s just so complicated. I work with him, for fucks sake. I don’t know what I want from him, but even if I did, is it even worth going there with somebody you work with? I mean, I struggle enough as it is without having to add some twisted love story gone wrong to the whole thing.”

“I know it’s scary, and new, and it’s not straightforward. But that’s the thing, nothing ever is. It does complicate things, the fact that you work together, but if it wasn’t that then it would only be something else. Alec, trust me, nothing is ever simple. Not when it comes to relationships, anyway.”

“I know, I know. It’s just, since… since, I don’t know,” he sighed. “I hate this. I wish I didn’t have to make everything so complicated in my head.”

“There isn’t a single person whose life I can look at and honestly say that I would rather have theirs than mine. The moment I realised that, was the moment I realised that I didn’t hate myself as much as I thought I did,” Izzy said, voice soft.

Alec had never considered it like that before. It was so easy to get caught up in what you didn’t like about yourself, about your life. It was such a common thing for people to make a list of things they wanted, of what was so imperfect about them and everything they did. But it was rare to realise that, in reality, there isn’t anybody’s life you would rather live but your own. That thought didn’t make everything better, but it did make it bearable. He’d woken up that Friday morning, without a single clue of what he was going to do, how he was going to move forward. Every thought of his was consumed by Magnus. He knew that he wanted the man, he just didn’t know why, or in what context. Did he want Magnus, or did he want to be with Magnus? In one moment, those things seemed so far apart that there was no way he could ever get them confused. Then, in the next, they’d somehow blended into one in a way that would make it impossible for him to ever tell them apart again.

It hadn’t been well thought out, the decision to ask Magnus out for a drink after work. In fact, he’d only had the idea approximately three seconds before he’d asked the question. They were in the office, alone. On Fridays, people tended to leave slightly earlier than they should. The bosses either turned a blind eye, or didn’t notice because they were too busy leaving earlier than they should have been. Today, though, Magnus and Alec had held back. They’d been working in the same office, quietly tapping away at their keyboards. One by one, their fellow colleagues had traipsed in and out of the office with a muttered, “See you next week,” in parting. It was nearing four by the time the place had cleared out. Neither man had said a word to one another all afternoon, not needing to, or not daring to. It wasn’t clear which.

It was Alec who broke the silence. “Have you got plans tonight?”

“Magnus shook his head. “No, nothing much. Have you?”

“That depends.” Alec paused. “Do you want to get a drink? With me?”

Surprise flashed across Magnus’s face, but it was gone as quickly as it had come. “Yes, Alexander. That sounds lovely.”

So they had packed up, logged off their computers and locked the door to the office on their way out. It had only meant to be a drink, but they were both famished after a long day’s work, so Alec had suggested the Cosy Club. It was a twenty-minute walk from work, and another thirty-minute walk back to Alec’s place after that, though Alec hadn’t been intending to take Magnus back to his place at that point. Or, so he believed.

“Cocktails, Alexander. You need to try some cocktails." They’d finished up their food in record time, both significantly hungrier than they’d realised, and moved across to the bar area of the establishment. Magnus was more of a regular here than Alec had first noticed. Either that, or he was just exceptionally good at remembering names and details about every person he ever encountered.

“Okay. I’ll just have whatever you’re having. I really don’t know anything about cocktails.”

“Me neither, I just know I like to drink them.”

Alec grinned. “Fair enough.”

One had turned into two, two had turned into three and before they knew it, neither man could really tally up how many glasses they’d gone through.

“What do you mean, you’ve ran out of tonic? What kind of a bar runs out of tonic water, Arthur?” Magnus demanded. If it were any other customer, Alec was sure that Arthur would have been feeling uncomfortable by now but, by nature, Magnus was equal parts expressive and kind. The fact that he was loudly complaining about the lack of tonic water, certainly did not mean that he was in any way annoyed with Arthur, who was by no means to blame for the situation.

Arthur cringed, sympathetically. “Sorry, Magnus. I know how much you love a good G&T. I can get you a drink on the house, by way of apology?”

Magnus sighed. “No need. My heart has been broken and I simply cannot recover from this loss.”

“There’s tonic at my place.”

Arthur crooked an eyebrow at Alec and smirked, before swiftly drifting out of the picture.

“You do?”

Alec nodded. “Plenty. Iz loves the stuff. We can go, if you want.”

“Well, Alexander, this is certainly not how I thought I’d be spending my night when I woke up this morning, but boy am I not complaining.”

Thirty minutes later and, for the second time that week, Magnus and Alec were stood shoulder to shoulder in an empty lift that was big enough to fit ten people. It was becoming a habit of theirs, to stand slightly closer than was necessary. It was a habit that fit nicely alongside finding reasons to spend time with one another, hanging back after meetings to exchange a few quick words, sending private smiles at one another across a room full of people. They were quickly developing understandings and routines of their own, and it was such a vast difference to what Alec was used to in terms of working with Magnus, and of relationships with people in general. But, as Magnus had said, boy was he not complaining.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is a lyric from Nothing But Thieves - You Know Me Too Well.


	14. i gotta go in the morning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's almost 23:20 and I have to be awake at 6:30... why do I always get inspired at the most unpractical of times? 
> 
> My brain on a Saturday with absolutely nothing that needs doing and all the time in the world to write: white noise.
> 
> My brain in the middle of the night when I have work the next day: yep, this is it, this is my time! 
> 
> I'd like to say it's worth it but I know I'll be strongly disagreeing with myself when that alarm goes off tomorrow.

Friday, 10th January 2020. 20:16.

“Do you, uh, music? We can put some music on?”

Magnus and Alec hadn’t said a word to each other in the lift ride up to Alec’s apartment. Not when Alec had fumbled trying to get his keys in the lock, not when they’d pulled off their shoes and cast aside their suit jackets, and not when Magnus had looked around his place for the first time, surveying the apartment as if it was some sort of haven.

Magnus responded enthusiastically, “That’s a wonderful idea, Alexander. What sort of stuff do you listen to?”

Alec took a step to the side as he moved deeper into the room, subtly leaving as wide of a gap as possible between himself and Magnus. Or, at least, he hoped he was being subtle. “Here, you can look,” Alec offered, crouching down next to a hip-height cabinet before swinging the doors wide open.

"Oh, you have vinyl,” Magnus exclaimed, kneeling down beside Alec.

The younger man pulled a face. “Yeah, what did you think the record player was for?” he asked, pointing to the apparatus where it sat atop the very cabinet beneath which they were hunched.

Gently shoving Alec's shoulder, Magnus scoffed. He hadn’t taken his eyes off the collection, shifting to sit properly and cross his legs beneath himself. Alec stayed where he was, trying his best not to stare. “Plenty of people have them just for show now. Either old things that don’t work, or working models that are, sadly, left unused. I think it’s supposed to be trendy, but it just irritates me. Vinyl is something that should be appreciated, not used as a conversation starter or centrepiece.”

“So, what, you were just silently judging me?”

Magnus laughed. “No. I’d assumed that you rent this place furnished. It sort of fits in with the theme,” he said, gesturing vaguely at the rest of the interior.

“Why’d you assume that?”

“Well, this place is stylish, for one, and you’re rather prone to drab and dreary, my darling.”

“Hey,” Alec complained, “that’s- well, that’s true. But still.”

“It’s not a bad thing,” Magnus assured. “Just, I have a feeling that if you’d designed this place yourself, this isn’t what it would look like. Then there’s the fact that most places around here are rented fully furnished. Mine is.”

“Well, you’re right. Except for the record player, she’s definitely mine,” Alec murmured.

Magnus forced his face to remain as straight as possible. “She?”

“Shut up. Choose whatever you want,” Alec ordered as he stood, turning away to hide the swiftly approaching blush. Magnus flipped through the cabinet as Alec busied himself with the soft skin around his fingernail, a habit he’d long since given up trying to quell.

“Wow. I never took you for an ABBA man,” Magnus remarked.

Alec shrugged. Never having been the most forthcoming, Alec tended to keep his tastes, choices, likes and dislikes to himself. There’s no room for criticism if people don’t know anything about you. Having somebody in his apartment, looking at his things and rifling through his music was an unusual feeling. Alec felt oddly exposed. It was something, he assumed, that most ordinary people wouldn’t experience. If you were perfectly fine with being on display for the world to see, then having somebody witness the evidence of who you were, how you lived and what you liked wouldn’t be a new feeling. But for Alec, somebody used to hiding and evading and distracting, this certainly was a new feeling.

Magnus gasped. “Hot fuss! One of my all-time favourite albums. You have good taste, Alec.”

Just like that, the anxiety was gone. Before he’d even had time to realise that that’s what it was. For a moment, Alec berated himself for craving the validation of others over something so subjective as music taste, but he quickly shook his head to rid it of that thought. What does it matter if he wants a bit of validation every now and again? Doesn’t everybody?

There was another gasp from Magnus. He’d pulled out The Bends by Radiohead and was staring at the album cover that Alec would admit he’d always found a little creepy. Turning it over to read the track list, Magnus seemed entranced, before announcing, “Yes, I knew it! I’m going to have to put this one on, just for track twelve. That song is an absolute masterpiece.”

“It's the only reason I bought the record. The first time I even heard the rest of them was, well, on that.”

“I don’t recognise many of these either. I’m always open to trying new things though,” Magnus said, turning to send a wink in Alec’s direction and reigniting the blush that he found oh so amusing. Slowly, Magnus stood, gently sliding the record out of its cover and into place. The sound system started to pump out noise and bass in equal measure as something else caught Magnus’ attention. Shining up at him from just in front of the left loudspeaker was- Magnus wasn’t quite sure what it was. It looked like a small silver figurine, made from a bundle of nuts and bolts.

“It’s a guy with a bow and arrows,” Alec explained. Moving closer, he said, “Clary made it for me. That’s my brother’s girlfriend. She’s a welder, one of the best. She’s always making stuff like this on the side.” Picking up the little statue, Alec held it in his line of sight before continuing, “You’ve got a screw here,” pointing to the main body, “then a bolt for the head, and the rest of it’s just smaller nails and screws and solder.”

“Wow,” Magnus said. “I’m impressed. That’s awfully creative. May I?” he asked, holding up his hand.

“Course,” Alec said, handing over the statue.

Magnus inspected the creation a little closer. “It’s very neat work. Clary’s a very talented artist.”

“You should see her paintings. This was a birthday present from her, this first year I’d known her. I felt a little bad because I hadn’t been the most welcoming to her. Honestly, I think I may have been a bit jealous that Jace was spending so much of his time with her, so I just didn’t bother to make much of an effort. Then she made me this anyway.”

“Why the bow and arrows?”

“I used to love archery as a kid. Still do, but what adult has time to go and shoot arrows at a target for fun?”

Magnus smiled. “I know what you mean. It seems a shame that you had to give up something you love, though.”

“There’s other things I love,” Alec said. “It was really sweet of her though. I think that’s when I realised I’d been a bit of a dick. I’d never even mentioned archery around her, so Jace must have told her. I can just imagine her sitting around asking Jace what she should get for my birthday, even though I’d hardly spoken two words to her. I made more of an effort after that. I realised that it didn’t have to be me or Clary, we could all do things together, you know? It seems pretty obvious, but at the time it didn’t really occur to me.”

“I understand, love is a complicated thing. It makes us do strange things.”

“I agree.”

“Oh, finally, something we actually agree on.”

“Hey, we agree on plenty of things.”

“Oh, yeah? Name one,” Magnus argued, placing the statue back where he’d found it.

“Uhh, our love for track number twelve?”

Magnus huffed, smiling. “Fine, Lightwood. I’ll give you that one.” He took a step forward. “I can think of something else we agree on.”

“Go on.”

Without breaking eye contact, Magnus suddenly grew an inch in height. Alec smiled, knowing full well that Magnus had just raised himself onto his tip toes, despite constantly denying that he was even slightly shorter than Alec. Magnus placed a hand on the side of Alec’s face before leaning in, lips meeting lips in a moment more peaceful than any Alec could remember in recent history. It didn’t last long, more of an exploration than an initiation, deciding whether or not this was something they were allowed to do. They’d had sex before, they spent most of their time in one another’s company blatantly flirting, but casual touches and innocent kisses weren’t something they’d ever engaged in. Sharing a kiss for the sake of it was new territory, likely because they spent most of their time together in a professional setting. Or because, Alec reminded himself, he and Magnus weren’t together. They were something, but they weren’t together.

“Well, that was rather nice,” Magnus offered. “I hope you wouldn’t mind if I made a habit of that.”

“No complaints here.”

Magnus made good on his promise, the next fourty minutes or so consisting of idle conversation and lazy kisses. Alec hadn’t even realised that they were listening to the infamous twelfth track until it ended. Magnus pulled himself up to change it, taking with him the body heat that Alec had become so accustomed to. Leaving Magnus to sift through his collection of records, Alec headed into the kitchen for the G&T Magnus had requested.

“Here you go, Magnus, as promised,” Alec said as he returned with a tall glass in each hand. Both contained a chunk of lime drowning in more Bluecoat than Alec had tackled in a long time. He only made them like this when he drank with Izzy, a habit he’d formed after one too many scathing comments of, “Who do you think is drinking this, Max?”

“Why thank you, darling,” Magnus purred, purposefully brushing Alec’s fingers with his own as he reached for the drink.

“It, uh- you’re welcome.”

Magnus smiled up at Alec, not looking away for a second. He raised the glass to his lips and took a sip.

“Mhmm, that’s just what I needed.”

Alec cleared his throat, desperately scanning the room for something that could divert Magnus’ attention away from himself. Helplessly, he moved back to the couch and took a sip of his own drink, grimacing at the taste.

“You don’t like it?”

“I do, it’s just strong.”

“We can swap if you like,” Magnus offered.

Alec blinked. “I made yours stronger.”

“Oh, right,” Magnus laughed. “Guess not then.”

It was then that Alec realised what album Magnus had chosen. “Hey, you like Frank Ocean?”

“I hadn’t heard of him until about sixty seconds ago.”

At Alec’s questioning frown, Magnus admitted, “I was rather swayed by the beautiful man on the cover. I don’t know if that’s Mr. Ocean himself, but I was willing to bet that I would appreciate the music of anybody whose cover art is that heavenly to the eye.”

“I see your logic. Does it live up to your expectations?”

“You listen to a lot of music, don’t you? Your selection was noticeably without-genre. I like this sound, I like ABBA, The Killers, Radiohead, The Beatles, but all in very different ways.”

“I’ve never really stuck to a specific genre,” Alec agreed. “Each album in there, I love for a whole different reason.”

“Why do you love this one?”

Alec considered it for a moment. He tilted his head before saying, “I guess, it’s more sentimental value. I used to have this on repeat when it first came out, towards the end of my last year at school and right until I was starting work at Penhallow.” Alec paused, wondering whether he should just stop there, but something clearly made the decision for him as he continued, “I was so sad, all the time, and I didn’t really know why. The album felt sad to me too, at the time, and I felt less lonely because of it. I don’t feel sad when I hear it anymore, though. It’s a mixture of calm and… I don’t know. It’s hard to explain, I just… I like where my life is now a lot more than when I used to listen to this album on repeat every night. I guess it makes me feel hopeful.”

Magnus sighed. “That, right there, is exactly why I love music.”

The track hummed in the background. _You’ve been holding your breath, weighted down._ It had resonated with Alec, that lyric. Now, it resonated with a past life, past emotions, past heartbreak. It wasn’t his truth anymore.

Magnus moved from where he’d been leaning against the table and came to sit next to Alec. The younger man had sprawled backwards over the couch, resting his feet on the coffee table in a position that was likely very well-rehearsed. Magnus copied the pose and sipped quietly as his drink, neither man feeling the need for conversation.

_We’re not in love, but I’ll make love to you._

Alec swallowed, not daring to look across at Magnus. If he were honest, when Magnus had agreed to come back to his place, he’d assumed that the night would end with them in bed together. It seemed like the logical thing to do. Clearly, they were both attracted to one another. This wasn’t a relationship; they were both on the same page with that. But, sitting here now, Alec would rather spend the night playing record after record with Magnus, sharing stories and laughs and maybe the occasional kiss.

_If I could see through walls, I could see you’re faking. If you could see my thoughts, you would see our faces._

If they didn’t have sex tonight, Alec thought, would that be admitting that they felt more than just physical attraction for one another? It wasn’t worth thinking about. Whatever happened, happened. It didn’t have to mean anything. Alec didn’t need to plan out his every move, sometimes he just needed to let go, live in the moment. It was easier than he thought, to put aside his anxieties just for one night. It all came down to trust, really. He trusted Magnus, so there was no need to worry. Even if Magnus did realise that Alec was having doubts about his feelings, questioning whether he may feel more for the other man than pure desire, he knew that those doubts would be safe. Magnus wouldn’t ridicule him, he wouldn’t be angry or sad or disappointed. Undoubtably, Magnus would just be his same old kind and compassionate self.

_I had no chance to prepare, I couldn’t see you coming._

It turned out that Alec was right not to worry. The night progressed naturally, with neither Magnus nor Alec putting an ounce of thought into how they spent their time. Only moving to refresh their drinks or change a record, they must have gone through at least half a bottle of gin and six or seven albums by the time either man had the sense to realise that they were exhausted.

“Jesus, it’s gone two in the morning,” Alec groaned. “How did we not notice this?”

Magnus smiled, lazily. “Time flies when you’re having fun, darling. I’d put it down to the wonderful company, but I wouldn’t want to appear arrogant.”

Alec huffed a laugh. “You definitely get the credit,” he said. “You wanna go to sleep?”

“I think that may be a good idea.”

“You don’t mind sharing, do you?”

“With everything you and I have done in a bed together, Alexander, I don’t think there should be an issue with us actually sleeping in one.”

“Good point. Come on then,” Alec said, rising from the couch with strength summoned from somewhere he hadn’t even realised existed. He considered taking Magnus’ hand, then realised quickly that that would be ridiculous. He showed Magnus to the bedroom before retreating to the kitchen to get them both a glass of water. When he returned, Magnus was buried deep beneath the covers, shirtless. “Here,” Alec said, pointedly not staring exactly where he wanted to stare.

“Oh, good idea. Stay hydrated. Thanks, Alec.”

“Don’t mention it,” Alec said, downing half of his own glass in one before climbing into the bed after Magnus. It wasn’t until Magnus crept slowly over to the middle of the bed that Alec realised he was more than just shirtless. Dressed only in boxer shorts, Magnus was an endless expanse of soft skin and temptation. It was taking significant amounts of self-control for Alec to not reach out and touch, but he didn’t. Sticking to his own side of the bed seemed safer, and Alec had taken enough risks today. Sleep came quickly, as it always did when he didn’t want it to, and only when Alec regained consciousness did he fully realise that the night before hadn’t been a sleep deprived hallucination or alcohol addled dream. Not for the first time since the beginning of his friendship with Magnus, Alec knew that it had happened, but he had no idea what _it_ actually was. He decided then and there that he didn’t particularly mind. Confusion was a small price to pay for whatever this was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of the chapter is a lyric by Lauren Sanderson - Better Anyway.
> 
> I'm slightly exhausted and can't promise that I haven't missed any spelling / grammatical errors. If you spot any glaring mistakes, pretty please let me know in the comments so I can amend accordingly. Thanks a lot xxx
> 
> P.S. hope u enjoyed <3


	15. round and around and around and around we go

Saturday, 11th January 2020. 11:14. 

“Magnus. I know you’ve had your heart broken–” 

“Catarina. People lie. Hearts get broken. I get that. I’m not going to permanently avoid relationships just so I never have to get hurt again, that would be ridiculous. I just… I don’t want a relationship, not right now. I just want to have sex, that’s all.” 

Rolling her eyes, Cat said, “You’re forgetting that I know you Magnus, like actually know you, and I think you may be the biggest romantic I’ve ever met. Yes, you want to have sex with him, but don’t try and kid me into thinking that’s all you want. Better yet, don’t try and kid yourself. It won’t work.” 

Earlier that morning, Magnus had texted Cat to ask her what she was up to, indicating in a non-subtle way that he needed a conversation of some sort. Cat had replied that she was working that afternoon but easily had time to fit in a chat if he wanted to come over. There were some people in this world who, in the face of some of the most ludicrous statements ever to grace the ears of mankind, would simply nod their heads and smile along. But in Cat’s opinion, those people didn’t have the capacity to ever be a true friend, not until they developed some opinions of their own. She was quick to call bullshit whenever a friend was in need of some tough love, with this clearly being one of those moments. Magnus opened his mouth to speak but Cat interrupted him; she could tell from his expression that he wasn’t going to go down without a fight. 

“Did you have sex last night?” 

Magnus shut his mouth. Cat raised an eyebrow. 

“No, but–” 

“No buts. You say you only want to have sex with him but then you don’t actually have sex with him. Come on Magnus, don’t tell me you don’t see it.” 

“It was late, we were tired,” Magnus protested. 

Cat shook her head, smiling amusedly. “Yes, of course you were tired, you’d stayed up all night talking and drinking and _enjoying each other’s company,_ all the while not having sex. There was plenty of time for it. Clearly, you were just enjoying talking to him too much to bone him.” 

“That is not true,” Magnus said sullenly. 

“So you weren’t enjoying his company?” 

“Well of course I was, but–” 

“You didn’t have sex. You spent the whole night together. You were apparently snogging the face off him for most of it, so it wasn’t platonic, and you’re telling me that you’re not romantically interested in him?” Cat demanded. 

“Yes, I am,” Magnus said, stubborn as ever. “We were both drunk, the kissing didn’t mean anything. It was just a bit of fun. Who doesn’t love a good kiss from a gorgeous man?” Magnus asked, his arguments sounding incredibly weak even to his own ears. He shook his head, continuing, “It’s not like that, Cat. It just isn’t.” 

“It isn’t like what?” 

“I don’t love him.” 

“I never said you did. I’m just making the case that this is more than just sex and it’s more than just friendship. What’s so scary about admitting that you might want to go on a date with the man?” 

Magnus took a moment before answering,” You know, I’m not actually sure.” 

“Oh Magnus,” Cat sighed, laying her head on his shoulder and taking his hand in hers. “Is it too early for a drink?” 

“It’s happy hour somewhere, my dear.” 

“I’ll get the tonic.” 

Cat nodded decisively, as if agreeing with her own decision, before disappearing into the kitchen. Routinely, Magnus picked himself up and headed over to Catarina’s drinks cabinet. Or rather, the cabinet that had been passed down through generations onto Catarina with the belief that she’d use it for porcelain and silverware like every woman that came before her. True to her character, Catarina had found a different use for it. She always was one to break the mould, defying the rules in whatever way she saw fit. It wasn’t even intentional, her rebellion, it was just something she did by instinct which made it all the more inspiring to Magnus. 

Just as Magnus settled on a bottle, Cat returned with the glasses. Each was filled just over halfway with tonic water. Clearly, they were going for, ‘Love life,’ measures on the, ‘How strong do your drinks need to be today?’ scale. Magnus was in no way complaining about that. Cat played with the buttons of her stereo as Magnus poured the drinks. The sound of the speakers spurting to life made Magnus oddly nostalgic for the previous night, with Alec and his unanticipated adoration of vinyl, if you can even be nostalgic for something as recent as the night before. 

Why did he keep doing this? What was it about this man that completely tore down each and every wall he’d ever built, leaving him without a filter or even a stitch of his security blanket? This had not been his plan. Magnus had been intending to return to work a changed man, no flirting, no pushing boundaries, just pure professionalism. Maybe, he had planned to form some sort of friendship with Alexander, though he’d definitely not intended for it to go any further than that. They were colleagues and Magnus had no desire to make things complicated, but somehow, that’s exactly what he had done. Granted, it had been Alec who’d asked him to go for a drink, but he couldn’t deny that the man had been on his mind. It was highly likely that, if Alexander hadn’t made the move, Magnus certainly wouldn’t have been able to resist the temptation. But, why, he asked himself, was he tempted? It was immensely frustrating, to not have a firm grip on the emotions that he was so used to controlling. Romantic attraction often escaped Magnus, getting carried away with itself and spinning into something that was so utterly unrecognisable, but sexual attraction? That was easy, simple, and definitely not complicated. So, what was going on here? Why was Magnus so conflicted, drunk texting Alec about his kinks like a teenager with no impulse control, swooning when Alec asked if he’d like to go for a drink after work as if he was a damsel in distress being courted by his knight in shining armour. It wasn’t like Magnus at all, he was usually so smooth. 

“You know what, fuck it,” Magnus said. “You’re right. You’re always right. I’m being ridiculous. Of course this is more than just sex. We wouldn’t even be having this conversation if it wasn’t.” 

“Finally,” Cat drawled. “I really had to spell that one out for you, didn’t I? Wait, what are you doing?” 

“I’m texting Alexander, of course.” 

“Wait, really? Now?” 

“Yes?” 

“Oh, right. Fair enough. You don’t mess around, do you?” 

“I have no time to waste Catarina. Not when there’s someone as attractive as Alexander involved.” 

“I’m impressed with this one eighty you’ve just done in the space of about fifteen minutes. I thought it was going to take weeks before you finally listened to me. I hope you’re not going to do anything too rash, though.” 

“You’ve changed your tune,” Magnus muttered. 

“I wanted you to confront your feelings about him. I never told you to do anything stupid with them.” 

“I know, I know. Don’t worry, I’m just asking him what his plans are for the weekend.” 

Cat eyed him suspiciously, taking a hearty sip from the glass Magnus had handed to her in his haste to get to the phone. “Phwoar, that’s good.” 

“Course it is, I made it,” Magnus said absently. 

Good morning, Alexander. I know I’ve already seen you today, but I don’t think I properly said good morning. I truly am not a before-noon person, especially not when I’ve been drinking the night before. I wanted to ask you, what are you plans for the weekend? x  
_Delivered 11:29._

Morning Magnus. It’s okay, same here. I’m miserable before 10am. I haven’t really got any plans yet, you?  
_Received 11:32._

Would you like to meet me tonight? For dinner, maybe?  
_Delivered 11:35._

The suspense Magnus felt as he waited for Alec to reply to that text was unrivalled to any he had felt before. Or at least, to any he could remember feeling before. The three dots appeared almost instantly, then disappeared, then returned before vanishing just as quickly. Then nothing. Dammit Alec, Magnus thought, answer your bloody phone. It was another ten minutes before the long-awaited notification arrived. Magnus honestly couldn’t tell if he felt better or worse after reading it. The downside of having feelings, he thought, is that you have to bloody well feel them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is a lyric from Rihanna - Stay ft. Mikky Ekko.
> 
> I can already envision your hate for me after reading the last paragraph... sorry but also not hehe. I've got lots already down for the next few chapters so hopefully you shouldn't be left on a cliffhanger for too long.
> 
> Thanks for reading! xx


	16. lost and insecure, you found me

Saturday, 11th January 2020. 07:24.

Alec woke up to an empty bed. He’d dosed in and out of sleep since around six in the morning, he usually woke up around that time for work and his body clock was set rather strictly. The first time he’d regained consciousness, he’d been treated to the rather lovely sight of Magnus’ broad shoulders as they’d been abandoned by the covers. Not long after, he must have drifted off again but when he woke this time, was confronted with cold sheets and too much space. Sighing, Alec turned onto his back and contemplated the idea of removing himself from his haven of blankets with thinly veiled disgust. It was always the same this time of year, getting out of bed was twice as awful because the climate was twice as cold. The only problem was, Alec desperately needed to empty his bladder. Not to mention the dire thirst that he always experienced first thing in the morning. It was just as Alec had decided to face this head on, exit the duvet and deal with life’s biggest problems, that Magnus re-entered the bedroom with more stealth than a Siamese.

“You okay?”

Magnus smiled. “Yes darling, perfectly fine. Just, I need to be somewhere this morning and I’ve just realised the time.”

Stretching over to the bedside cabinet for his phone, Alec frowned. “It’s not even half seven.”

“I know, but I need to go home and get ready then travel back across town.”

“Oh, okay then. Um, feel free to grab a coffee or something, if you want.”

“Thank you, but it’s okay. I’d only end up spilling it all down myself in a rush,” Magnus said.

“I’ll come lock you out then.”

They stood in front of the door, staring at one another. To Magnus’ surprise, Alec held his arms open in a clear invitation for Magnus to step into his embrace. He did, of course, and they stayed like that for a moment before Magnus pulled back. It was unclear who leaned in first but, once again, the pair ended up joined at the lips. It was clear, however, who broke away from the kiss. Closest to the door, Magnus stepped out of Alec’s arms and mumbled something about, “Got the driest lips in the world,” before pulling open the door and stepping out into the hallway. Before he left, Magnus turned to face Alec. He smiled, though it was tinged with something that Alec couldn’t quite put his finger on. “I’ll see you soon,” Magnus promised, and then he was gone. It had all been quite abrupt, with Alec lounging in bed wondering how they were going to spend the morning not ten minutes ago, now left in a much-too-quiet apartment with nothing but his own confusion filling the space.

It was another four hours before he heard from Magnus. He’d gone back to bed, deciding that he wasn’t going to let this get in the way of a good lie in. Alec was capable of enjoying his weekend alone, certainly. He had done it before; loneliness was nothing new to Alec. It was around half eight before he got back out of bed, making himself a strong coffee and flicking through his notifications. Once he’d had his daily five-minute scroll through Instagram that habitually ended up being a lot more than five minutes, it was time to exercise. It was something that Alec enjoyed doing to keep himself fit and healthy, not to mention sane. If he didn’t at least stretch his muscles and lift a few weights every so often, he undoubtably started to lose it a little. Then it was time for a shower, breakfast and... he wasn’t really sure. There was plenty that he could do and definitely a lot that he needed to do, a nice long hike before a dreaded but necessary food shop came to mind. But there was nothing that he particularly wanted to do. Nothing that he saw much point in doing alone, anyway.

Alec was washing up, mulling over the puzzle of how to spend his day, when his phone screen flashed brightly up at him. Either a text from Izzy to check up on him, she knew how easily he got bored and restless over the weekends, or... dare he even think it.

Good morning, Alexander. I know I’ve already seen you today, but I don’t think I properly said good morning. I truly am not a before-noon person, especially not when I’ve been drinking the night before. I wanted to ask you, what are you plans for the weekend? x  
_Received 11:29._

Alec hated the amount of joy that a single text could bring him.

Morning Magnus. It’s okay, same here. I’m miserable before 10am. I haven’t really got any plans yet, you?  
_Delivered 11:32._

Would you like to meet me tonight? For dinner, maybe?  
_Recieved 11:35._

How about lunch? Unless you’re busy of course x  
_Delivered 11:45._

I’m never too busy for you Alexander. What were you thinking? x  
_Received 11:46._

The Cosy Club? Unless you wanted something a bit different?  
_Delivered 11:47._

If it ain’t broke, my darling. I can meet you there in around half an hour?  
_Received 11:48._

Perfect x  
 _Delivered 11:48._

See you soon x  
 _Received 11:49._

The half an hour went by a lot faster than Alec had anticipated. Before he knew it, he was sat across from Magnus in the same seats they’d occupied the first time they had eaten here. It was somewhat surreal that they were here now, after such a short space of time, feeling like so much had changed. Usually conversation flowed without thought between the two men. Now, however, there was more silence than noise. It wasn’t awkward, but it wasn’t not awkward. Frustrated, Alec sighed. There was so much he wanted to say but he didn’t know how to say it, or whether he should say it. He thought about starting with, “How are you?” before remembering that he’d seen Magnus only that morning. How much could really have changed between now and then? 

“I had fun last night,” Magnus started.

“Me too.” 

“I had no idea you were so into music." 

Alec nodded. “I’d say vinyl is the only materialistic thing I actually care for. Oh, and books.” 

“I wish I could say the same. Sometimes I do judge my own materialistic tendencies, but I always try to make sure that I’m not contributing to the harmful or destructive parts of the industry. You know, not buying things online, not wearing fur or leather, no beauty products that have been tested on animals. It makes me feel a little better about it, and we all have our vices I guess, so I try not to be too hard on myself.” 

“You shouldn’t judge yourself for liking clothes and fashion. We all have a carbon footprint; it only matters that we try our best to live as sustainably as possible. Nobody’s perfect. I mean, I might not wear make-up or care about clothes, but I read books printed on paper from trees. I order stuff online. I probably do things that I don’t even realise are harmful.” 

“You’re right, nobody’s perfect,” Magnus agreed. “Speaking of which, I’ll admit that I had an ulterior motive in asking you to lunch. There’s something I need to talk to you about." 

“Okay.” 

“I need you to know that, whatever you say, this will have no impact on our working relationship. I don’t want you to fear having to go back to work in an uncomfortable environment. I promise, we can be adults about this.” 

“Okay.” 

“I think I may have been mistaken about my feelings for you.” 

Alec’s eyes widened. He felt his heart jolt in his chest, but all he said was, “Oh.” 

“No, no,” Magnus rushed. “I’m not saying that I don’t have feelings for you, quite the opposite in fact. I’m saying that I seem to be… enjoying your company.” 

“Right. Well, I enjoy your company too.” 

“No, that’s not what I mean. I mean that, I’m enjoying it too much. Well, not too much. But, more than if we were just friends,” he blurted. This was harder than he’d thought it would be. Struggling slightly, he continued, “I like talking to you.” 

Alec’s mouth was dry. Confused, he simply said, “I like talking to you too Magnus.” 

“I’m very attracted to you Alec, but I’m more than just attracted to you. I wake up and find my thoughts immediately drawn to you. If I see you in passing around the office, you’re all that’s on my mind for the rest of the day. I just, this isn’t friendship, Alexander. Not for me anyway,” he finished. There was silence for a moment, then Magnus said, “Okay, I feel like I’ve said too much. I want to know how you feel.” 

Alec didn’t often speak before he reasoned, but there wasn’t a single chain of thought he could follow in that moment and Magnus needed an answer. Unfiltered, he said, “Well, it’s pretty much the same. I mean, I thought that it was just friendship, I honestly didn’t realise that I was starting to get...” he gestured as he spoke, as if his hands could somehow convey more than his words. Blushing, he went on, “Yeah, I... yeah. I know I’m not being very articulate but, I feel the same." 

Magnus smiled, though it was tinged with a frown. “Okay then. So we’re on the same page?” 

“Looks like it,” Alec said, then cleared his throat. 

For a moment, Magnus said nothing, appearing deep in thought. The frown lines became gradually more and more prominent until finally, they faded. It seemed that Magnus had come to sort of conclusion over whatever had been bothering him. He nodded slowly and said, “Okay, yeah. This turned out well.” 

“Could have gone either way really.” 

“It certainly could have,” Magnus agreed.

Alec cleared his throat again. “So, um, we...”

Clearly unqualified to be the one leading the discussion, Alec decided to quit while he was ahead. Luckily, Magnus was ready and willing to take over. “Alexander, would you like to go for a drink some time?” 

Exhaling a light laugh of relief, Alec smiled and said, “Yeah, that sounds fun. Um, when?” 

“How about right now?” 

“You know, right now is actually a great time for me.” 

“Really, what are the odds? 

Alec’s eyes crinkled at the corners. He raised his glass, filled only with water but it’s the thought that counts, and said, “Cheers, to our first official date.” 

“Cheers,” Magnus said, gently clinking his glass with Alec’s own. 

“Just so you know, I only have sex on the first date if I have absolutely no desire for a relationship with the person. Which is usually the case, but as we’ve established that doesn’t apply here…” 

“That’s fine, I wasn’t expecting... I hadn’t even thought about it to be honest." 

“I had,” Magnus said. “It’s just, I think we need a bit of time to catch up, to get to know each other in in this new context. We’ve done it before, yes, but only as friends. Or less than, and like it or not, the change in dynamic will alter things between us and I refuse to make yet another mistake with my love life. Well, that would be impossible, but I refuse to make another avoidable mistake,” he corrected. 

“No it makes sense. We don’t need to treat this as if we’re starting in the middle. We can just start, you know, at the beginning. With a date.” 

“I like that, Alexander. Let’s start at the beginning.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is a lyric by The Fray - You Found Me.
> 
> It's only taken them sixteen chapters, but they've finally decided to go on a date! Geez, I thought they'd never get there. Thank you to everybody who's supporting the story and myself, it means so much <3


	17. don't you fade into the back, love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been writing this chapter and the next two all at the same time so I had a lot of words but not in any sort of order that made sense. Basically, it's been a few days since I uploaded... my bad. But hopefully the next two chapters should be along pretty soon.
> 
> While I was procrastinating writing this chapter (and the other two) I made a playlist of every song I've used as a title in every fic I've ever written. I'm not completely sure why, I just thought it would make for an interesting bunch of songs and it certainly did. I figured since making it delayed the next chapter the least I could do is link it so here ya go - https://open.spotify.com/playlist/67SzoOXBJckj1MvVL4SqZf?si=IXEd2EhtRJOLWWy8iAKgwg - if anyone is interested xx

Saturday, 11th January 2020. 12:38.

It was fair to say that Alec Lightwood was a traditional man. The first thing that came to mind when he thought of dating was dinner, picking up the bill and putting the guy in a cab home. The beginning of this friendship, relationship, courtship – whatever you wanted to call it – had been a far cry from traditional. In his own way, Alec was trying to make up for that now by making sure that everything between them was done right. When he and Magnus had decided to go on their first official date right then and there, his initial thought had been dinner, before remembering that they’d only just eaten lunch.

“How do you feel about drinking before one in the afternoon, Alexander?”

Well, it wasn’t untraditional. In fact, for the two of them, vast alcohol consumption in each other’s company was rather traditional. It didn’t have to total anywhere near the number of units they’d reached on previous occasions, Alec told himself. Just one drink, then they could go their separate ways. Yes, he decided, there was nothing wrong with that. It was how a lot of first dates went, he assumed.

“As long as it’s with you.”

Magnus’ eyes widened, only slightly. “Well, aren’t you sweet?”

“No,” Alec replied, shaking his head with a fond smile on his face. “How do you feel about heights?”

“Heights?”

“There’s a place not far from here, you have to take a lift to get up there. It’s like a hundred stories high.”

“Really, a hundred stories?”

“Yeah, something like that,” Alec laughed. “It’s pretty far up but the view is beautiful, especially if you sit out on the terrace. You can just sit and stare out at the entire city, watch it all running round beneath you, like somebody who’s constantly late to a meeting they’re never gonna get to.”

To Magnus’ questioning look, he continued, “What? You don’t think about it like that?”

“I don’t think of the city as its own person?”

“Yeah.”

“No. I’ve got to say I’ve never thought of it like that before.”

Alec’s cheeks were flushed, but only a little. “I do, sometimes. When you’re looking out at it from up high… I dunno. I guess it just has a lot of character.”

Magnus smiled. “Well, I’m ready to have my mind changed. Let’s go see this view.”

“Let’s,” Alec agreed.

The walk took around ten minutes with another five spent in the lift and waiting for their drinks. In less than twenty minutes, Magnus was sat looking at one of the most incredible pictures he’d seen in a long time. They’d picked the right time of day for this, not many people were out drinking so early. Not in places like this anyway. Below them were the shoppers, the tourists, the sellers and the browsers. They were the size of the green plastic army men Alec had carried with him everywhere he went as a child. Invincible. The only word that could describe how both men felt, staring down at the city as if it were as insignificant as them. Nobody could see them; nobody could touch them. Except for one another, of course. The terrace was deserted, their only company was the furniture, the soft blankets laid so thoughtfully out on every chair and the heating lamps that radiated warmth from every corner. Alec and Magnus had chosen a table right next to a heater, as close to the edge of the terrace as they could get. Neither man had said a word since they’d sat down, other than Magnus’ quiet, ‘Wow,’ when they’d first arrived.

Quietly, Alec took a sip of his drink. He had no idea what it was, having asked Magnus to order for him and not even listened to what the other man had chosen. Either too sweet or too strong was how most drinks tasted to Alec and he didn’t particularly have a least favourite. Magnus seemed to be rather enthralled with what he was seeing and Alec didn’t want to break the spell, so he sat quietly and waited. It took three or four mouthfuls of the mystery concoction before Magnus spoke.

“You were right. Up here, it does seem like its own person. Like you could shout something down and it might just shout back up at you.”

“I think it might be the drunkards shouting back up at you, but I know what you mean,” Alec agreed.

“Drunkards?” Magnus raised an eyebrow.

Alec laughed. “Yeah, sorry. I forget sometimes, my family moved to London for a few years when I was a kid and I sorta picked up some of the slang.”

“You lived in London? I never knew that!”

“Yeah, the company my dad worked for wanted to send him over there, but they couldn’t say for how long. Our mom was pregnant with Max at the time so it didn’t make sense for him to go without us. From the age of nine to about fourteen that’s where I was.”

“You know, my friend Ragnor actually lived in London for a few years. He came back with the fakest cockney accent you’ve ever heard, calling everything bonkers and using mate every five seconds,” Magnus recalled.

“Yeah, they really do love that word over there,” Alec remarked. “I never could get on board though, it just doesn’t sound right without the accent.”

“So you didn’t pick it up?”

Alec shook his head. “No, Izzy did though. Pretty adorable.”

“I bet,” Magnus grinned. “Why did you move back then?”

“Our parents. I don’t think it ever felt like home to them. I mean, it was only ever supposed to be temporary, we never sold our house over here and dad’s company just rented a place for us. I think originally it was supposed to be for a year. They kept offering dad a partnership but I think he was holding out for a place on the board. In the end, they brought us back over here and started their own firm. Within the year they were already pretty well-established, so I guess it was the right choice for them.”

“Was it for you?”

“Hmm?”

“Was it the right choice for you?”

Alec nodded slowly, then said, “I think so. It never really felt like home for me either. I mean, we never knew how long we were going to be there for so it was always just… waiting.”

“I can imagine. You mustn’t have been able to settle down or make any real friends.”

“Something like that.”

“It was similar for me too,” Magnus admitted. “I spent most of my youth either in children’s homes or with foster parents. I remember when I was fourteen, I was enrolled in about five different schools that year. It’s usually not like that, they normally try to keep the kids in the same school at least. But they’d found foster parents for me, remember the ones I told you about? With the fireworks and the laundry basket?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Alec laughed. “How could I forget?”

“Exactly. So, yeah, just after that they moved house, then moved again pretty quickly after that before deciding that they couldn’t keep fostering me anymore because the wife had gotten pregnant. So I was moved somewhere temporarily, then when they found a place that could take me long term it was in a different school district and I had to move again,” Magnus explained. “Five times in a year, I could have broken some kind of record,” he said, keeping his tone light. It was easier to play these things down as an adult but it wasn’t lost on Alec how rough that must have been on Magnus as a kid.

“Yeah, you never know. That’s a lot of moving, Magnus. Must have been pretty…”

“Shit?”

“Yeah.”

“It was. But it wasn’t all bad. I met Raphael in that home. By that point, we were too old for foster parents so we both knew we’d be there for the foreseeable. We stayed until I was seventeen and he was sixteen. I was turning eighteen in a few months so would have had to move into some sort of assisted living if I hadn’t have left, and Raphael didn’t want to be there alone, so he transferred to a high school near my college and we just both packed up and left. We had the odd visit from a social worker but other than that, it was just us. Then I met Cat in college, and the rest is history.”

“That reminds me of what my siblings did. I moved to the city for college when I turned eighteen and Jace didn’t even think twice about moving with me. I mean, he was probably just jumping on any excuse to get away from our parents, but still. We got our own place for a while, but he moved out as soon as he knew I could afford it alone. He’d been dying to move in with his girlfriend at the time, which really wasn’t like Jace.”

Magnus sipped his drink as he pondered that statement, catching the long straw between his lips with more grace than should be fairly afforded to one individual. He asked, “What is he like then?”

“Jace? He’s a nightmare. Completely insufferable. The man has the biggest ego on the planet. Honestly, sometimes I’m pretty sure he thinks that we’ve all been born simply to make his life easier.”

Magnus laughed. “You’ve just very accurately described my friend Ragnor. Why do we put up with these people?”

“That’s something I’ve been asking myself since I was eight years old.”

“Eight?”

“Yeah, that’s when we adopted Jace.”

“Oh, he’s adopted?”

“Yeah. My dad’s friend from college passed away when Jace was seven. He was a single dad with no extended family so social services made an emergency referral for him. When my dad found out what had happened, a few weeks later, he got straight in his car and drove down there. It was all a bit of a mess at first, he wasn’t even allowed to see Jace until he’d filed for custody, but eventually he was able to bring him home.”

“I had no idea. That’s a rather heart-warming story, Alexander. Not everybody would do what your dad did.”

Alec smiled. “Yeah, he has his moments.”

The day continued in much the same fashion, with the men swapping stories and sharing more of themselves with one another than they’d previously dared to, under the illusion that there weren’t allowed to be any strings attached to whatever this was. They were now attaching their first few strings, tentatively, just to see what happened, if anything had to change. One drink turned into two and before they knew it, they’d ordered a third round. Alec knew that it couldn’t go any further than this. He’d promised himself that he was going to do this right. Plus, he really couldn’t justify four cocktails before 4pm, no matter the circumstances. Their drinks slowly drained until there was no doubt that they either had to order another round or call it a day.

“Magnus, I uh, I think we should um…”

“I know. You’re right, we should.”

“I’ve had a really great time, Magnus.”

“So have I, Alexander.”

Though it lessened with time, the overwhelming feelings of inadequacy, uncertainty and embarrassment in social situations had never completely left Alec. In his teen years it had led to an adolescent who barely opened his mouth if there were more than two people in the room, those two people being his immediate family members. Currently, it was significantly more bearable, but it did sneak up on him in certain situations, such as this one. The two second silence could have lasted an eternity for all Alec knew, and he was inexplicably grateful when Magnus broke it.

“I’d offer to walk you home, but I’m going the complete opposite direction,” Magnus teased.

It took Alec only a second to burst out into laughter, a mixture of incredulous and relieved. There was nothing about Magnus that Alec could predict, ever. The only thing Alec knew for certain, was that he wouldn’t change a thing about him. His walk home was more of a bounce, the spring in his step more prominent than it had been in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is a lyric from Ed Sheeran - Take it Back.


	18. pose with your brother, won't you be a good sister?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for mentions of rape / non-con. If you wish to skip, it has absolutely no bearing on the plot whatsoever so that’s totally fine. Just scroll past the section that’s in italics and it’s not mentioned again after that.
> 
> So, just to explain a little, I started to write an introduction to Clary’s character and got a bit carried away with the backstory. It’s not to do with either Magnus or Alec, neither of them are actually in this chapter, only mentioned. I hope this doesn’t seem too out of place but I’m a firm believer in exploring minor characters so while Clary isn’t the protagonist here, I wanted her to have some depth too.
> 
> Oh and random side note - when Clary's diary is mentioned in this I'm talking about her diary for work, as in for appointments and stuff. I'm not sure if that's a British thing or not so just to clarify...

Saturday, 11th January 2020. 17:24.

_It was a sleepover. I was sixteen years old._

_Sleepovers are supposed to be fun. They’re supposed to be innocent. They’re supposed to be safe._

_I was with people I trusted. My best friend in my whole little world was there. My parents were asleep upstairs. My brother was downstairs with us. We were drinking._

_There was a fire, I remember that. We burned wood and paper and books, our GCSE’s going up in smoke. Jonathon brought down bottles of spirits. There was some white rum and Jack Daniels. Probably a few more disgusting whiskeys if I know my brother. Which I do._

_We were drinking and laughing and joking. I think there was music. We’d been told to keep the noise down a few times already, the speaker now playing as loud as we thought we could get away with. Mom always was so cautious about disturbing the neighbours. She’s sweet like that. Always thinking of others, always so considerate._

_I used to think I should be more like her, more selfless, kinder, better. I think now that if I grow up to be like her, I’ll be devastated. I love her more than anything in the world, but she’s a little broken. There’s a different perspective that adulthood brings. One that shows you that your parents aren’t the heroes you once wanted them to be, one that lets you see that what your brother did that night was wrong._

_There is no excuse. It’s alcohol, not fucking mind control. Tess was right. It was unforgivable, but I forgave him anyway. There was music and fire and laughter and booze, she was sat on his knee in one of these weird wooden deck chairs we had. They weren’t practical. They weren’t comfortable either, especially not with someone sitting on your knee, but they did it anyway. They’d been flirting for a while, I’m not sure if I realised. I’m not sure if they realised. It was all so long ago and the things that don’t really matter at the time aren’t all that easy to remember._

_I don’t remember what happened next. I don’t remember what happened in between the garden and the bedroom. I just remember you shaking me awake, crawling into bed with me and whispering something that would change my life forever. Not immediately, not at the time. It took a little while for it to sink in, but when it did, it did._

_We used to have two mattresses on my bed. We still do, but I don’t live there anymore. It was for storage, I think. I’m not sure why you would need a spare mattress, but we’ve never been a family to let things go to waste. We couldn’t really, when we always had so little. We only ever had each other, and that’s all we ever needed. I’m not sure what I need anymore._

_Whenever I had a sleepover, almost always just me and Tessa, mum and I would haul the first mattress off my bed and into the corner, then we’d drag the second one to the floor and haul the first one back onto the bed. I think she felt like it was wrong to give Tess a mattress that I’d slept on, so she’d give her the one beneath. I told you, considerate. So, we’d make up the bed on the floor next to mine, we’d drink, we’d sleep, and Tess would go home. Sleepovers were fun, they were innocent. I’m not sure I’ll ever hear my kids ask me if they can have a sleepover without thinking back to that night. That’s if I ever have kids._

_I need you to remember that I was sixteen and he was my big brother. We weren’t like most siblings, we were friends. I loved him more than anything, I think. So, when Tess crawled into my bed and told me that she’d asked you to stop and you hadn’t, I didn’t really understand. I don’t remember word for word what she said. I was tired, drunk and still half asleep. I think I remember her laughing. She was probably in shock. I know that she told me you’d been kissing, and you’d taken it too far, she’d asked you to stop but you hadn't. You got rough with her apparently, shoved her down and kept doing whatever it was that you did. I put the pieces together from things that she said afterwards. She made a joke that she wasn’t sure if she was still a virgin. I felt sick. She sent me pictures of a text conversation between the two of you when she was trying to get an explanation for what you’d done. She clearly hadn’t included the description of what had happened for my benefit, but the last words I could see were, “You shoved your fingers-” and it ended there. I don’t know what happened, but I know enough._

_I know enough to hate you; I know enough that you disgust me. But I don’t hate you and you’re still my brother and you make me laugh and you lend me your phone on the plane so I can listen to music and you were there for me in the times when there wasn’t anyone and I don’t know how to wrap my head around that. How can you hate so many parts of somebody and wish they would change for the better but they just don’t seem to see that they’re anything other than perfect and it frustrates you more than you can put into words, but also just… love them? How can you be so angry and so upset in one moment that you look at him and then the next just, nothing. I don’t hate him all the time, in fact, I love him for quite a lot of it._

_Unfortunately, that only makes me hate myself, and that really doesn’t seem fair. Why do I hate myself for your actions? Why did I spend so long wondering why the fuck I let myself fall asleep? Why does Tess probably still think about what you did every time people ask about me or high school or friends or sex or boyfriends or virginity or relationships or red heads. Or maybe, like me, it’s the sleepovers that get her. Maybe it’s the mention of childhood and innocence and trust and family. I don’t know, I wouldn’t know. We don’t speak anymore, for unrelated reasons, but I look her up on Facebook a lot. I like to see how she’s doing, who she’s dating, what colour she’s dyed her hair. I wonder a lot if she hates me, for unrelated reasons, and it hurts. There’s a lot of things that hurt me still. There are things from the past, like the memories of mom drunkenly sobbing on the kitchen floor that they had broken her, and I was the only one comforting her because I didn’t understand that it was her own damn fault for getting so wasted in the first place. There are things from the present, like the fact that I’ve fallen in love with somebody who I can’t ever be with and it’s nobody’s fault, it’s just how it is. Then, worst of all, there are things from the future, like that fact that I worry obsessively over things that haven’t happened yet and that could not be any more out of my control if they tried. There are lots of things that have hurt me, do still hurt me, and will continue to hurt me. But I don’t think that anything or anyone will ever come close to the hurt you made me feel, and it wasn’t even me that you hurt._

_I don’t know, maybe I should thank you for that. For showing me that the world can be evil, and people can be monstrous, and we really shouldn’t ever let our guard down. It doesn’t have to be in a back alley somewhere where you shouldn’t be, because you were drunk or high or out of your mind. It doesn’t have to be because it was your fault, because you were asking for it, because you let it happen. It can be something so simple and unsuspecting, as innocent as a sleepover. There are things in this world that can hurt you, yet they look only as shy as the bookworm and the wallflower._

_It’s the flowers with thorns that you don’t see until it’s too late. It’s the people that you’d least expect. It’s everyone and it’s nobody and you can never really trust a soul, because even the worst liars could just be lying._

_You never really know a person._

Clary Fairchild had stumbled across the document entitled, ‘it was a sleepover,’ the night before and curiosity had gotten the better of her. It was dated back in 2018, a time that had been filled with turmoil and doubt, before she’d been able to truly move on from that which had plagued her since adolescence. She had immediately known that the contents would not be at all pleasurable to read, but she certainly hadn’t anticipated her own reaction. Clary had promptly burst into tears upon reading the document and had been inconsolable for the best part of half an hour. Overwhelmed was the only way to describe how she felt as she tried to process how sad, confused and hurt she had been, and how content, secure and accomplished she was now. There was no resemblance of who she had become in the girl who had written this five years ago. It didn’t mean that she was a completely different person, she had always been incredibly strong-willed, but back then she’d been lacking the compassion for herself that had derived over years of practice. It took time to truly, genuinely, like who you were. Finally, after years of trial and error, Clary was a person who she was proud to be, somebody that she’d want her kids to look up to one day.

“You okay babe?”

“Hmm? Yeah, fine,” Clary responded, absently turning the pages of her diary as she had been for the past five minutes.

Despite it being the weekend, Clary had been at work for the better part of the day and had only arrived home a little after five. It could never be said that Clary Fairchild wasn’t a grafter, with more weekends reserved for work than pleasure. It helped that she loved what she did, but mostly it was born from her desire to always push harder, work more, be better. Lately, she’d been trying to slow down a little and squirrel some time away just for herself and Jace, but old habits die hard. Their work ethics mirrored each other with near symmetry, both working all hours that God sent. It was how they’d met actually, contracted by one of the most obnoxious cretins ever to walk the planet. Instead of taking the time to plan the job that needed doing and hire the relevant trades at the appropriate time, he had simply made a list of every possible contractor he would need for the job and brought them all on site at the same time. The obvious problem being that a plumber, an electrician, a carpenter, a painter, a joiner, a welder and a plasterer cannot all together have a productive day at work. The guy was a multi-millionaire with no regard whatsoever for people’s time or convenience, so most of them simply travelled slightly further afar to different jobs and only returned as and when they were needed. It worked perfectly for some, getting paid twice in one day, but for the rest of them it wasn’t so handy. Many of them, Clary and Jace included, had an air-tight diary that couldn’t be rescheduled at the drop of a hat and were left helplessly twiddling their thumbs. Though, what they had initially seen as a major annoyance had turned pretty sweet, pretty quickly. Somewhere in between the endless waiting, Jace and Clary had got to talking. It had been almost immediate, the chemistry between them. They’d spent the day enraptured with one another and arrived the next desperately hoping that the other would be there again. Of course, they’d both arrived on site bright and early and immediately decided to down the tools that they hadn’t even picked up and head out for breakfast. By the end of the week, they were head over heels. It was history from then on, the traditional courting had ensued and within weeks they’d both been happily announcing the new relationship to their families. Two years on and they were still going strong.

“You sure?” Jace ventured.

Clary was still flipping through the pages of her diary, trying to remember where she’d been this time two weeks ago. It wasn’t like her not to have recorded it, but she hadn’t, nonetheless.

“Hey, do you remember where I was two Saturdays ago?”

“Barty’s?”

“Nope, that was the Sunday.”

“Right. I remember you were complaining about something, was it the cold? You were outside–”

“Yes! I was outside. I remember now, it was for Archie. Course. Thanks.”

“Glad I could help.”

Jace was silent for a moment, letting Clary scribble in her diary before she forgot whatever it was that was on her mind. When her pen stilled and she began to stare unseeingly at the page once more, he tried again. “Clary, are you sure you’re okay?”

Sighing, Clary said, “Yeah, I’m okay. I’m just, I found something last night that reminded me of how not okay I used to be and I can’t seem to put it out of my mind. It’s fine though, it’ll go eventually. I just need to remember for a minute, I think.”

Jace nodded. “I get it. If you want to talk, you know where I am,” he said, placing a soft kiss on the crown of her head.

“It’s okay. Will you just, tell me about your day?”

“Course I will. Come here,” he said, leading her away from the diary filled with work and responsibility and over to the comfort and safety of the couch. Once they were sprawled out with a blanket pulled around them, Jace started talking. He regaled a very standard day, including the most insignificant of details like what songs he’d heard on the radio just to keep Clary’s mind in a harmless place. “Oh, and then something good did happen!”

Clary lifted her head from his shoulder, intrigued. “What?”

“Izzy texted. Apparently, Alec and his man have finally stopped pretending they’re not into each other. He’s told her that he’s on a date with him. He didn’t tell me, but I’ll forgive him for that.”

“He probably knew that you’d just say something stupid.”

“Yeah, that’s why I’ve forgiven him.”

Clary smiled, slightly less tiredly than before. “I’m glad. It’s about time. Alec deserves some happiness in his life.”

“He sure does.”

“I can’t wait to meet this Magnus. He sounds like a lot of fun, from what Alec’s said.”

“Hey, slow down. They’ve only been on one date.”

“They’ve been pretty much dating for the past month now, they just haven’t realised. Or admitted it, which is the same thing.”

“You think they’re gonna be pretty serious then?”

“I don’t mean serious, but they clearly like each other. I don’t see why Alec wouldn’t want to introduce us, when he’s comfortable of course.”

“No, you’re right. Alec doesn’t date, so there must be something different about this guy. Do you reckon we should invite them to Simon’s thing on Wednesday?”

Clary sat up, smacking Jace on the shoulder.

“Hey! That hurt!”

“Sorry, just, that’s a great idea!” Clary exclaimed. “It was supposed to be a well done slap.”

Jace pouted. “Well, how about a well done kiss instead?”

Clary frowned, feigning deep consideration, then smiled. “Can do,” she said, leaning forward to easily press her lips against Jace’s. It was familiar to them, but no less exciting than the first and second and third times they’d kissed. It seemed that nothing between them could ever grow stale, only getting better and better with age, like the finest of wines.

Pulling away, Clary said, “Should we tell Izzy to invite them?”

“Nah. He’d have known that by telling Izzy he was telling us too. I’ll text him later.”

“What if he doesn’t go for it?”

Jace shrugged. “Then we just meet him another time.”

“Or, we get Simon to invite Magnus on Wednesday without telling Alec.”

“What happened to, ‘When he’s comfortable?’ Alec might not want us to meet this guy yet.”

“You’re telling me that you’re not curious? Alec hasn’t dated anyone since I’ve known him. I mean, I’m not saying I don’t trust his judgement, but Alec went from despising this guy to dating him in basically a few weeks. That doesn’t seem a little odd to you?”

Clary knew she had him with the first question. Despite any good intentions they both had, the pair of them were exceptionally curious about who had managed to capture Alec’s attention so thoroughly. It may seem overbearing, invasive or even inappropriate, but it came from a good place. Plus, Jace was equipped with the memories of each and every time Alec had displayed the same level, if not more, of overbearing, invasive and inappropriate behaviour with himself and Izzy.

“Good plan. In the meantime…” Clary trailed off, leaning back down to where Jace was waiting for her. It seemed that her earlier preoccupation had dissipated, leaving her with nothing but focus and clarity. You could never escape your past, it made up as much of you as every cell in your body, but it didn’t have to consume you in the same way. It was there and it shouldn’t be ignored, but it doesn’t deserve any amount of time, respect or consideration that you don’t want to give it. Your past can be acknowledged and accepted without being given an inch of power. That’s what Clary was working hard to do in that moment. It was easier said than done, but she had never been a quitter and she certainly didn’t intend to start now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is almost completed and definitely a lot lighter than this one. I don't intend to stray much further into these more difficult themes, this was just something that came to me and I felt the need to share it.
> 
> Thanks for reading <3
> 
> The title of this chapter is a lyric from Melanie Martinez - Dollhouse.


	19. this moment changes everything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning, this is a really short chapter! 
> 
> Enjoy regardless xx

Sunday, 12th January 2020. 20:23.

Magnus was a firm believer in keeping his word. If you say you’re going to do something, do it. When he’d promised Cat that he would show her what Alec looked like, he’d meant it. The only problem was, he didn’t have a single picture to show her. Alec had a few social media accounts but there was limited content on any of them. Magnus had even stooped to trawling back through Isabelle’s Instagram – she really was gorgeous – looking for a family photo, a drunken selfie, anything. But alas, there was nothing. Either Alec had a talent for avoiding the camera, or his siblings were simply respectful of his desire not to be posted online. Magnus knew that his own friends were not so considerate, with many a candid photograph of Magnus devouring a vegan burger at three in the morning now swimming around the internet, never to be safe from prying eyes again.

“Well, you’re just going to have to take one then, aren’t you?”

“I can’t just take a picture of him, Cat.”

“Take one with him.”

“I can’t do that. We’ve been on one date. I can’t just whip out my phone and start taking selfies with him. ‘What are you doing Magnus?’ ‘Oh, just getting something to show the grandkids in a few decades.’ Come on, Cat.”

“When did you become so dramatic?”

“I –”

“That was rhetorical,” Cat interrupted. “It doesn’t have to be a big deal, just take a sneaky picture when he’s not looking. It’s not like anyone’ll see it other than me.”

“I can’t do that, Cat.”

“Fine,” she sighed, then smirked. “Guess you’ll just have to take me with you on Wednesday then, won’t you?”

Magnus gasped, ever the performer. “When did you become to sneaky?”

“Well–”

“That was rhetorical,” Magnus drawled, a little too pleased with himself at managing to have beaten Catarina at her own game.

“Oh, shut up. I’m serious. I want to meet him.”

“I can’t ask him to meet my friends after one date, are you insane?”  
“He’s asked you to meet his family.”

“No, Alec didn’t ask me. Simon tricked me.”

“Same difference. I’m coming whether you like it or not.”

“Cat,” Magnus protested.

“Hey. If his family get to check you out, then I sure as hell get to check him out. It’s only fair.”

“You’re insane.”

“You’re right, and I’m coming.”

Magnus sighed, defeated. Though, was it really defeat if he was still happy with the outcome? It was easy enough to feign confidence, and even arrogance, but that’s not what he wanted to portray to Alec’s family. In truth, he didn’t know what he wanted to portray, but he knew that everything would be just that much easier with Cat by his side. Bring it on, Magnus decided.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is a lyric from Son Lux - Change Is Everything.


	20. hi, nice to meet ya

Wednesday, 15th January 2020. 18:48.

The Horse and Trumpet was crowded for a Wednesday night. The second the clock had struck four, Simon had darted out of the office and made a beeline for the bar, no doubt to be his usual jittery self in a different location. Clary, Jace, Alec and Izzy had joined him at around half six, with only thirty minutes to spare until his set. This was the first time that Simon’s band had been booked and paid for, with their previous experience being limited to open mic nights and shower performances. It had been orchestrated by the owner of the Horse and Trumpet after he’d met Simon at one of their mostly depressing open mic nights. Clary was convinced that the guy had booked the band purely to extend his potential exposure to Simon. It had seemed to undermine her genuine belief in their artistic talent however, after witnessing just one interaction between the two of them, Alec was now inclined to agree with her.

Uncharacteristically, Alec had forgiven Simon for inviting Magnus behind his back, mainly because any opportunity to see Magnus increased his mood exponentially. Having not spoken to Magnus all day, Alec had no idea when to expect him. Or, even, if he should expect him at all. He’d considered texting but didn’t want to seem possessive, as if he was trying to dictate how Magnus should spend his time. If he were honest, the anxiety was starting to get to him. The whole situation was imperfect, with Magnus meeting most of Alec’s family and friends all in one night, after only one date. Certainly not ideal but, if Alec were honest, he wasn’t upset about it. Strangely, he was quite excited, he just couldn’t help the anxiety that accompanied the anticipation. He was the type of man to like a plan, and nothing about this evening had been planned. Well, not by him anyway. Alec was aware that Simon definitely would not have thought to invite Magnus here off his own back. He wasn’t certain which sibling had orchestrated this meeting but he wouldn’t put it past any of them, even though Simon and Izzy had never actually met.

Suddenly, a tap on his shoulder jolted him from his thoughts. Alec looked up, but not in time to catch the words from Clary’s lips. Leaning forward, he yelled, “What was that?”

“I said, just text him!”

“Text who?”

“Oh come on, don’t be stupid.”

Before Alec could retort, his attention was stolen by the flashing of his phone screen.

Hi Alexander, I’m almost at the bar. Whereabouts are you guys?  
Received 18:50. 

__It’s quite busy, I’ll wait outside for you.  
_Delivered 18:50. ___

__“Gotta go, back in a sec,” he shouted. Then as an afterthought added, “Watch my drink for me?”_ _

___Staying just lost enough to see Clary’s thumbs up, Alec was soon out of his seat and pushing through pulsing bodies and pounding heat to the exit. The sharp air greeted him as he swung open the heavy doors, a refreshing yet bitter welcome. If he were honest, he would admit to himself that he really didn’t want to go back inside. This night had no resemblance to how Alec would choose to spend his evenings in an ideal world. But Alec cared about Simon, despite his persistent reluctance to admit it, and wanted to be here in support. Plus, the older brother in him could never miss an opportunity to see his siblings. Sadly, their schedules didn’t always align much and it wasn’t the easiest for them to spend time together. So, a crowded bar on a Wednesday night it was._ _ _

___Less than a minute passed before Magnus came strolling into his line of sight. Owning the ground he graced in a way that Alec couldn’t quite explain with words, he was a sight to behold. So caught up in everything about the man, it took Alec a moment to realise that he wasn’t alone. On his left, a dark-haired woman in a floaty, floral dress appeared to be in absolute hysterics over something that, from this distance, Alec had no hope of hearing. While on his right, a stony-faced man in jet black jeans and a matching shirt stared at his guffawing friends and simply sighed, something which Alec would have been more likely to hear from this distance. Alec was willing to bet that the woman on his left was Catarina Loss or, according to Magnus, the most selfless woman on the entire planet. Though, the man on his right was more of a mystery._ _ _

___It didn’t take long for Magnus to catch Alec’s eye. Lighting up, he shot Alec a smile and a wave before turning to whisper something to the woman Alec assumed was Catarina. She had just finished laughing by the time they arrived in Alec’s earshot. “Alexander, hi,” Magnus gasped, somewhat out of breath. Beaming up at him, he gushed, “Alec, these are my friends Cat and Raphael. Guys, this is Alec. Behave, now.”_ _ _

___Alec smiled, praying his nerves weren’t displayed on his face. “Hi guys, it’s great to meet you both,” he said, contemplating reaching out to shake their hands but quickly deciding against it._ _ _

___“You too, Alec. We’ve heard such great things,” Cat said, smiling in a way which Alec couldn’t quite pin down as either sincerity or sarcasm._ _ _

___Magnus gave her a stern look. “I said behave,” he scolded, before bypassing Alec on the way to the entrance. Holding open the door, he asked, “Shall we?”_ _ _

___“Sure, I’ll take you to where we are. I’m not sure there’ll be enough seats though,” he said, apology clear in his voice. Leading the way, Alec swerved back through the endless swarms of people, a mixture of eager jostling to get to the bar and already stumbling with pre-intoxication. This really wasn’t Alec’s idea of a good night. Eventually reaching their table, Alec cringed as he noticed that somebody – probably Izzy – had ordered a pitcher of some sort for the table. It appeared that the rest of them weren’t as concerned as Alec was about making it to work the next morning._ _ _

___“Hey, guys,” Alec rasped, his voice already tired. Luckily, Izzy heard and quickly swatted the other two to get their attention. She immediately jumped up and rushed around the table to pull Magnus into a tight hug. Beaming at him, she said something that Alec couldn’t hear but doubted that he’d want to. Then, she moved onto Catarina, also pulling her into a hug, and finally, Raphael. Both Cat and Magnus seemed entirely amused at the sight of Raphael receiving what was probably a hugely unwanted gesture of affection._ _ _

___“Drinks!” Izzy yelled. “Here, we’ve got… erm, you know I’m not actually sure what it is. It’s nice though!”_ _ _

___She ushered them to sit down, pouring them each hefty amounts of the mystery drink. Cat and Raphael quickly occupied the two available seats, leaving Magnus and Alec left standing. Noticing this, Clary stood and gracefully swung herself into Jace’s lap before motioning at the now empty chair. Izzy stood and leaned over to Alec, yelling down his ear, “I’m tempted to make you and Magnus do that too, but I know how you feel about PDA.”_ _ _

___Mortified, Alec pulled back and glanced between the faces around the table. Smirking, Izzy leaned back in and said, “You two sit down, I’ll go and find a chair.”_ _ _

___“You sure?”_ _ _

___Izzy just grinned before launching herself into the sea of drunken bodies. Sheepishly, Alec turned back to Magnus. He nodded to the two empty chairs and said, “Izzy’s gone to find another, so we can sit.”_ _ _

___“Huh?”_ _ _

___Alec leaned in, repeating himself only an inch away from the man. Magnus nodded and made for the chairs, with Alec only a second behind him. Once they were both seated, Alec leaned in again and said, “I’m glad you’re here.”_ _ _

___Magnus smiled, a look of almost surprise on his face. “Me too. I hope you don’t mind that I brought friends?”_ _ _

___“Course not. I can imagine they’re just as protective over you as mine are?”_ _ _

___Scrunching up his nose, Magnus said, “If not more so. Don’t be alarmed though, they’ll love you.”_ _ _

___It wasn’t lost on Alec that the conversation they were having was more appropriate for people who had gone on considerably more dates than he and Magnus had. But it seemed somehow harmless. If they didn’t talk about it then it didn’t have to matter. It could just be an easy night out between friends, no pressure attached. Though even as the thought ran through his head, he could feel two pairs of eyes boring holes into the side of his head._ _ _

___“You sure?” he said to Magnus, only half joking._ _ _

___Before either of them could say another word, a jarring squeal emanated from the speakers as somebody obnoxiously rapped two fingers against the microphone. The man half-heartedly introduced Simon’s band, describing them as new-wave alternative which Alec knew would have Simon seething. He was strongly opposed to genres, especially those that made no sense._ _ _

___The first couple of songs went by smoothly, with Simon doing a good job at capturing the crowd’s attention. Alec could admit, the music wasn’t half bad and Simon’s execution of the lyrics bordered on perfection. He seemed to get more and more enthused the clearer it became that people were enjoying themselves, all signs of nerves dissipated by the end of the second song. Clary was singing along to each and every lyric, with Jace even joining in on a few of the choruses. It was at that point that Alec felt a tap on his shoulder and turned around to find Catarina in the seat that Magnus had occupied moments earlier. The surprise must have registered as she leaned forward and explained, “He went to the bathroom. I just thought I’d say hi.”_ _ _

___“Oh yeah, of course,” Alec replied, trying to smile. “It’s not easy to have a conversation in here, is it?” he laughed._ _ _

___“Not particularly. So, you and Magnus?”_ _ _

___“Uh, yeah. What about us?”_ _ _

___“What do you want from him?”_ _ _

___Alec frowned. “Nothing. I mean, I don’t want anything _from_ him, I just want…”_ _ _

__He trailed off, flailing in a sea of unsaid words without a life jacket in sight. Luckily, it seemed that whatever he’d said, or hadn’t said, was enough to satisfy Catarina._ _

__“Okay, I believe you,” she said, nodding succinctly before moving back over to her own seat. It was at that moment that Izzy returned to the table, holding a bar stool aloft with an air of triumph surrounding her._ _

__Plonking it down next to Alec, she asked, “What did I miss?”_ _

__“Nothing. Where did you go?”_ _

__“Well, I was looking for a chair but ended up talking to the most handsome bartender I’ve seen in a long time. Well, that I’ve seen all night anyway,” she amended._ _

__“Let me guess, you’ve got his number?”_ _

__“Of course I did Alec. You think I’m an amateur?” she scorned. Looking around, she asked, “Where’s Magnus? Did we scare him off already?”_ _

__“No, he’s gone to the bathroom,” he shouted. Then, daring to cast a look in Cat’s direction, he said, “I don’t think he’s gonna be the one to get scared off.”_ _

__Izzy followed his gaze before turning back and smiling. “Oh well, he hasn’t had my talk yet, has he?”_ _

__“Oh, please don’t,” Alec pleaded. “We’ve been on one date, for fucks sake. Why’s everyone acting like I’m trying to marry him?”_ _

__“Who’s trying to marry who?”_ _

__Alec jerked around to see Magnus stood less than a foot away from him, hovering next to Izzy with mirth in his eyes. “Oh, uh, nothing, nobody.”_ _

__Reaching out to hold onto Magnus’ arm, Izzy said, “Magnus, I’m super glad that you and Alec finally stopped pretending to hate each other, and I’m really happy for you both. But, as his sister I’m obliged to tell you that if you hurt him, I’ll kill you myself.” Then she let go of his arm and smiled, sweet as anything, before taking a much too large gulp of her drink._ _

__Trapped in a whirlwind of chaos, Alec had lost all comprehension of what was even going on anymore. Seemingly, Magnus took it all in his stride. “I’d expect nothing less,” he said to Izzy, before moving back to his seat next to Alec. Catching the younger man’s eye, he said, “I certainly hadn’t anticipated this turn of events so soon into…”_ _

__It was easier to fade into the background noise than it was to finish that sentence, to label or categorise or define. “Sorry,” Alec said, and he meant it._ _

__“Hey, don’t you apologise. I was the one who agreed to come.”_ _

__“Yeah, but you didn’t know that everyone would be here, did you?”_ _

__“Not at first. When Simon asked me I thought it was a little odd, then as soon as I thought about it properly I realised what was happening.”_ _

__Alec shook his head. “We were being set up.”_ _

__“You could say that,” Magnus agreed. “I don’t mind though. They all seem great. I must say, Isabelle is certainly a kindred spirit, and I never knew Simon could sing like this!”_ _

__Begrudgingly, Alec agreed, “Yeah, he’s actually alright.”_ _

__“Wow, Alec,” Magnus laughed. “Coming from you, that’s worth about the same as a Grammy!”_ _

__“Too right.”_ _

__The noise was tremendous, the accumulation of drunken chatter and a whole array of instruments that Alec couldn’t even name, all overlaid onto the deep, booming bass thrumming through every corner of the room. It was impossible to follow a single voice unless the lips were closer to your ear than your own. It didn’t take Alec long to register that they were being watched. It was a feeling like no other, being able to sense eyes on you without having any actual proof of their existence. Turning slowly, Alec wasn’t surprised to have his suspicions confirmed. Jace, Izzy, Cat and even Raphael shamelessly had their eyes solidly attached to the two men. It was only Clary whose attention waivered, divided between her conflicted desires to pry and support her friend._ _

__“Magnus, we’re being watched.”_ _

__“Yes, I know darling.”_ _

__“It’s weird.”_ _

__“I know.”_ _

__“Why are they staring?”_ _

__“Well, I know why mine are. They’re desperate to glean any sort of information they can use against me in the future. That, and they’re just happy for me."_ _

__“Yeah, same for mine I think.”_ _

__“You wanna make an excuse so we can go and talk outside for a moment?”_ _

__“Oh God yes.”_ _

__Magnus smiled. “Thought so. You go first, I’ll follow.”_ _

__Alec stood, leaning down to tell Izzy he was going to find the bathrooms as he made to leave. Swiftly, he marched out into the rabble and forced his way to the exit for the second time that night. This time, though, the chill wasn’t as welcomed. The temperature had dropped quite significantly since they were out here last and it only took a few seconds for him to start shivering. By this time, a pair of bouncers had arrived to guard the entrance from unwanted patrons, whether that be the underage, excessively drunk or too blatantly under the influence of something other than alcohol. Hovering a few metres away, Alec sent a tight smile in their direction. It wasn’t long before Magnus emerged from in between their muscly forms, making a beeline straight for Alec._ _

__“Geez, it’s cold out here,” he breathed out._ _

__“I know. I dunno what’s worse, the noise in there or the cold out here,” Alec laughed._ _

__“Tell me about it, my ears are still ringing,” Magnus complained. He hesitated a moment before adding, “God, when did I become so old? Since when am I complaining about noise and the cold? Usually by this time I’d have my beer jacket on and wouldn’t notice the cold even if you doused me with a fire hose.”_ _

__“Your beer jacket?”_ _

__“Don’t tell me you’ve never heard of that?”_ _

__“Err…”_ _

__“Alexander, where have you been educated?” he demanded, making the beginning of a wild gesture before abruptly tucking his hands back between his folded arms. “It just means the imaginary jacket you develop when you’ve had a skinful. Stops you from feeling the cold,” he explained through chattering teeth._ _

__Through gritted teeth, he replied, “Oh, makes sense. Look, Magnus, I don’t think we can stay out here much longer.”_ _

__“I think you’re right. I don’t particularly want to go back inside though.”_ _

__“No, me neither.”_ _

__Magnus shuddered, a ripple making its way through his body. “Would it be rude of us to just… leave them to it? Do you think?”_ _

__Alec’s jaw clenched jaw ached in an attempt to quiet their incessant vibrating. “Probably, but I’m sure they’d forgive us.”_ _

__“Would they?”_ _

__“Mine would, they were here anyway to see Simon. Would Cat and Raphael be bothered?”_ _

__“Hmm… I would feel like a bit of a shitty friend, to bring them out and then abandon them within the hour. But, then again, they both did only invite themselves as an excuse to nosy into my love life. So, really, who’s the bad friend here?”_ _

__Alec nodded. “Decision made. Let’s go, before they come looking.”_ _

__Magnus giggled, as best he could given the perpetual cold numbing his every organ. “I feel like I’m a teenager again, bunking off school with my friends.”_ _

__Looking over at Magnus as they power walked away from the bar, Alec threw caution to the wind. “Except we’re not friends though, are we?”_ _

__“No,” Magnus replied. He smiled at Alec, though it almost looked like a grimace, “I guess we’re not.”_ _

__Grimacing back, Alec said, “So, my place is about ten minutes from here. Should we just head there to try and get warm?”_ _

__“Good plan. I’m just gonna text Cat so she’s not worrying.”_ _

__“Yeah, same here,” Alec replied, gripping his phone with frozen fingers. It was completely ridiculous, what they were doing. To abandon their friends and family on a night out, for what? So they could go back to Alec’s apartment and get wrapped up in blankets, stick on his record player and get lost in the music? Well, it sounded less ridiculous when you put it like that. It looked as if the big brother in Alec maybe wasn’t as powerful as… whatever this was._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is a lyric from YUNGBLUD - Parents. One of my fave people on this planet (even though I've never actually met him).


	21. if i play my cards right

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! 
> 
> It's been a while since I last posted. Things have been very full on with work (which you're about to read all about below xD). I'll admit, Magnus and Alec's frustrations in this chapter are almost entirely based on my own current stress. I wish I could post more, I have so many ideas for this series but I just don't have the time at the moment. It's a real shame, but nothing is permanent and I'm hoping that in a few weeks time maybe it will have calmed down again.
> 
> I'm not sure how consistently I'll be able to post for a while but I really wanted to get a little something up to say thanks for the patience and I hope to return with regular updates soon!

Wednesday, 15th January 2020. 19:54.

“Oh my God, you’ve got to be joking me?”

“You didn’t already know that?”

“No, of course I didn’t! That’s awful!”

“Why do you think I can’t stand the man?”

Alec wasn’t exactly sure how they’d got onto the topic of work so soon, but he wasn’t complaining. In all honesty, Alec wasn’t fussy; as long as Magnus was talking, he was happy.

“Well, I can think of tons of reasons. I knew they were shit but, that’s low even for them. That’s literally stealing!”

“They’re bastards, Alec. I don’t like to throw people into the category of irredeemable, but they’re not too far off."

“God,” Alec sighed, rubbing his fingers firmly against his temples. “You know, it’s shit like this that makes me hate my job,” he declared, glancing sideways at Magnus to catch his affirming nod before continuing, “I mean, in the grand scheme of things it is rewarding. But then when you break it down, factor in the corruption and the cheating and the amount of endless fucking box ticking, sometimes it feels…” Alec trailed off, letting out a sigh of frustration. “Sometimes it doesn’t feel like I’m making any sort of difference. Honestly, I’ve hated my job lately.”

Magnus was silent for a moment. It didn’t pass quickly, with Alec feeling every second of the tension that really only existed in his mind. Vulnerability did not come easily to him, neither did transparency. Alec was a very honest man, but there is a difference between honesty and transparency, and he was not the type to willingly offer up personal information of any sort. To him, this felt too much like complaining, something that he had been taught from a young age was not expected of him. Something that Izzy had painstakingly taught him was okay to do but that, since then, he had done exclusively in the company of people he trusted. Complaining to his family was one thing but doing it to the likes of Magnus Bane was yet another reminder of just how much things had changed recently, and the speed at which they had done so.

“You know, Alexander,” Magnus began, scrunching up his nose in a way that Alec would never admit he found adorable, “I’ve been thinking the exact same thing as of late. My job has begun to feel like 30% politics, 30% admin and 10% me doing my actual job.”

“What’s the other 30%?”

“The other 30% is somebody else’s damn job!”

Letting out a deep, genuine laugh, Alec relaxed. It was clear that his transparency was in safe hands here. “I know exactly what you mean. I have no idea how it even happens, but I always seem to find myself doing stuff that has absolutely no relation to my job description, whatsoever.”

“I know how it happens,” Magnus said, grim tone to his voice. “It’s obligation, and trickery. We get made to feel that we owe it to people, to the company. We get made to feel as if we’re subpar employees – and even humans – for not going above and beyond every single day. I feel as if people are so desperate to shake off their workload that they spend longer thinking of clever ways to delegate tasks than it would take them to just do the work in the first place.”

Alec shook his head. “Tell me about it,” he sighed, exasperation clear in his voice. “You’re exactly right about the obligation too. It’s like, we get pushed into this mentality of competing over who had the shortest lunch break. But surely it can’t be that hard. If we all did our fair share, everyone would just be slightly overworked, instead of the people at the top coasting while the rest of are fucking drowning.”

“Have you ever thought of leaving?”

“Have you?”

“Of course.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

“Would you ever?”

“Would you?”

“Hey,” Magnus whined, a smile on his face, “why have I got to answer first?”

Alec shot him a bashful smile. “Yeah, I guess I would. Eventually, you know. Not right now.”

“I must agree with you there. I think a switch up is inevitable at some point, but I don’t see it happening in the immediate future.”

“What would you do?”

“You know, I’ve asked myself that question an awful lot over the years. I haven’t always wanted to be a lawyer, it was just something I fell into and found myself to be quite good at, after a lot of trial and error of course. Nobody can ever truly master something without first failing at it, I believe. But I’ve never really been able to answer my own question. I always seem to end up at the same conclusion, that I fell into what I’m doing right now, so it only makes sense that I’ll fall into whatever I’m going to do next. I only ever seem to find what I’m looking for when I have my eyes closed,” he mused, giving a thoughtful hum before asking, “what about yourself?”

“Well, I’ve only ever wanted to be a lawyer. I don’t really know what else I would even want to do, nevermind anything I’d actually be good at.”

“Oh, I can think of plenty of things. You’re a very talented man, Alexander,” Magnus purred. The switch in implications was rather immediate, but undoubtable all the same.

Alec let out a laugh, shocked and flattered in equal measure. “You’re such a flirt, Magnus,” he said, almost a rebuke. Flirting was not second nature to Alec; it wasn’t even third. By brushing off the compliment, he was removing any need for him to return with one of his own. Perhaps it was selfish, not to let Magnus know how much he cared about him. Or perhaps, it was just careful. Through painful lessons and harrowing memories, Alec had learned to bide his time when it came to relationships.

“You love it,” Magnus said, sending a wink his way. Side by side on the pavement, they were in a perfect position to join the hands that swung between them. Though, common sense dictated that handholding may be a step too far, even for them. It was albeit harmless, but somehow more intimate than even sex. There was absolutely nothing to gain from holding somebodies’ hand, other than fulfilling the desire of wanting to, which admittedly fell much too squarely into the category of relationships.

So, keeping his hands to himself, Alec replied with a simple, “Maybe.”

They were almost at Alec’s apartment now, the brisk march had thankfully warmed them both past freezing. There was a build up of anticipation somewhere deep inside Alec, though he couldn’t quite decide why. It was likely to be a mixture of excitement and nervousness, the butterfly feeling so widely described in every romantic comedy ever to be written.

“Do you think they’ll be mad at us?”

“Honestly? No,” Alec replied with a shrug. “I know for a fact that I’ll never hear the end of this from Izzy,” he said, dryly conveying his lack of excitement at the prospect, “but I don’t think she’ll be mad. Probably more thrilled that I finally have a life. Her words.”

“I take it you don’t know many people in the area, then?”

“I don’t know many people, full stop. People always seem, I dunno,” he paused, searching for the right word before landing on, “concerned, when I tell them that but I really don’t. I had a few friends in school but you know how that goes. Then in college I was a complete workaholic, and now I’m still a complete workaholic. So, yeah, I just never prioritised friendships, or relationships. Is that... do you find that weird?”

“No, no, not at all,” Magnus assured. “I don’t find it weird. On the contrary, I think it’s extremely normal. Most people really don’t have as many friends as you think they do, or that they themselves think they do,” he added. The hand flourishes that accompanied every word were so quintessentially Magnus that, at this point, Alec would be highly concerned if his hands remained still as he told a story. Unintentionally, Alec found himself paying almost more attention to the gestures than the actual words as Magnus continued, “I’ve found a few solid people along the way and done my very best to keep them, but unfortunately a lot of people don’t have the same luck. Things fall into place with time, though, they always do. In my experience, anyway."

“Uh, yeah, I know what you mean. I mean, about things falling into place, I mean,” Alec rambled, rather unaware of the words coming out of his own mouth. He shook his head, “No, I do. I think you’re right. Take work, for example. I know I’ve just complained about it for the past ten minutes, but I really am proud of the work that we do, overall. Right now it just feels like it’s all the little things are ruining it, but I never would have expected that I’d be where I am now ten years ago, or even five years ago.”

“Yes, absolutely, me too,” Magnus agreed, pausing while Alec searched for his keys. They’d found themselves arriving at the flat seemingly a matter of minutes after they’d set off from the bar, likely too enraptured in their conversation for time to pass slowly. Or, perhaps they were already acting on auto drive, despite Magnus only having been here once before. It already felt like this was a habit of theirs.

Alec held his key fob against the sensor and waited for the three little dots to turn green, before pulling the door wide open and turning to Magnus expectantly. Smiling, Magnus said, “Why, thank you, my dear,” and gracefully bowed his way past Alec. They took the lift instead of the stairs. Alec pushed down the irrational guilt over the so often denied shortcut in favour of being able to watch Magnus shamelessly admire himself in the reflection, pulling and pushing a few random tufts of hair into place. It made absolutely no difference as far as Alec was concerned, his hair had looked beautiful anyway, but he wasn’t about to say either of those things out loud. The uncentred feeling in Alec’s chest had not lessened. It could be attributed either to the alcohol or to Magnus, but either way he didn’t mind. It was almost like he was floating slightly above reality, just enough that he could look back down and watch himself move and talk and smile, but with no real control over the things he said or did. The feeling reminded him of a puppet on a string, though he wasn’t entirely sure who the puppet master was.

Whoever it was, they managed to get Alec’s keys in the lock for him, push down on the handle and hold it ajar for Magnus. Minutes passed by in a blur and all of a sudden, Alec was sprawled back on his couch with a glass of wine in hand and the entire right side of his body pressed up against the entire left side of Magnus’. The record player was halfway through the first track of, ‘(What’s the Story) Morning Glory?’ because apparently Magnus had been feeling a little grunge tonight. Contentedly, Alec took a sip from his glass and let out a happy sigh.

Magnus’ thigh shifted slightly closer to Alec as he let out a sigh of his own. The warmth between their bodies was incredible. Staring determinedly ahead of himself, Alec refused to look up at Magnus. If he looked up, he would kiss him, and he needed to sift through some thoughts before he did that. In a comical vision belonging to his overactive imagination, Alec glimpsed a tiny little devil balanced on one shoulder and a bow-carrying angel on the other. Strongly resembling red and white versions of the toy Furbies Izzy had used to play with as a kid, they were a clear visualisation of his current dilemma. The reckless side of him wanted to cast aside his anxieties and live in the moment, while the reserved side was thinking of the long-term consequences, wanting anything but to mess this up.

Embarrassingly, he allowed a small giggle to slip out.

“What are you laughing about?” Magnus teased.

“Nothing,” Alec lied, definitely not about to explain that he was picturing a Furby-like devil perched on the same shoulder that was pressed up against Magnus’.

In the end, the angel won. Alec couldn’t have sex with Magnus tonight, no matter how much he might want to. The truth was, he wanted to date Magnus, not just sleep with him. If they started their relationship so quickly and so casually, what did that say about their feelings for one another? Would that give Magnus the impression that he didn’t care about him, that he didn’t want the intellectual, romantic aspects of a relationship? But if he were to express to Magnus that he did, in fact, want a relationship, how would he explain that without sounding as if he were demanding some sort of commitment from him? No, it was easier to wait. For now. Keep it sensible, see where things went organically.

Alec swallowed, before finally looking up. “Magnus,” he began, before realising he had absolutely no middle or end to that sentence. Starting again, he said, “Magnus, I don’t think that we should…” He stopped himself short of tutting. He was an adult, for God’s sake, and he couldn’t even bring himself to have an adult conversation about sex.

But Magnus surprised him, as he ever so often did. “I agree,” he whispered, voice hoarse in a way that told Alec he probably hadn’t meant to whisper. “I meant it when I said I wasn’t going to make any more avoidable mistakes with relationships. What was it we said?” he mused, tracing his painted purple nail around the rim of his glass in a motion that couldn’t fail to capture every bit of attention Alec had to give. “Oh, starting at the beginning! That was it!” he recalled, a small smile on his face. “I like that.”

“You know that was just me rambling, right?” There’s no actual meaning to that at all,” Alec said, humour clear in his voice.

“There’s meaning to anything that we give meaning to, Alexander.”

Alec tipped his head back on the couch cushion, letting out a laugh. “We’re just talking shit now, you know that right?”

“If there’s shit to be spoken, then talk shit I shall,” Magnus chirped, barely able to keep a straight face himself now.

“Fucks sake,” Alec huffed in between his laughter. “You’re funny.”

“No, Alexander. I am hilarious,” he emphasised, arching his eyebrow in clear expectation.

“Fine,” Alec sighed, “you’re hilarious.”

Magnus smiled, satisfied. “Well, that’s more like it.”

Before a pause in conversation even had time to fully form, he continued, “You know, we never actually said anything about kissing.” Frowning in faux consideration, he asked, “Where do we stand on that?”

Alec grinned. “I can’t see the harm,” he murmured.

“I was hoping you’d say that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is a lyric by Nelly Furtado - Promiscuous ft. Timberland. 
> 
> If you enjoyed this chapter, feel free to leave a comment letting me know! It would absolutely make my day, and perhaps take my mind off how much I hate and love my job at the same time and it's awful xD 
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Love,  
> Ash xx


	22. i push and you pull

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to hell with work and wrote this instead! I had so much damn fun writing this, it feels so good to be writing again! Maybe I'll just quit my job and do this forever... who needs to pay rent anyway, right?
> 
> Just kidding, of course ;) I really hope you enjoy this chapter though! I'm so excited ahhhhh okay I'll stop.

Wednesday, 15th January 2020. 19:54.

“Can you believe they’ve ditched us?” Izzy screeched, words falling into the abyss of guitar and chatter and bass.

“Yes, I absolutely can,” Catarina shouted back. “It’s the exact kind of thing Magnus would do. In fact, I’m more surprised that he only ditched us, instead of just hooking up with your brother in the bathroom and coming back and like nothing happened.”

Izzy couldn’t contain her laughter at that, her whole body shaking as it belted through her. “Oh my God, has he actually done that before?”

Cat grinned. “Well, I don’t want to kiss and tell… on his behalf, but yes he most definitely has done that.”

“I knew I’d like him,” Izzy declared. “Nobody ever gets that much of a reaction from Alec! Even the people he doesn’t like, he doesn’t talk about them the way he used to with Magnus. Usually he’s just indifferent, but he literally never shut up about the man.”

“Magnus was the same. The funniest part was how oblivious he was to the blatant sexual tension. Genuinely, he would be telling me how attractive your brother was, _while _he was ranting about him. The amount of times I heard the words, ‘Stupid jawline,’ is… unfathomable.”__

____

Izzy was pleasantly surprised at how well she was getting on with Catarina. Perhaps there was an element of intoxication at play, but Izzy was almost certain that she would have no problem getting along with this woman whilst sober. The blasé attitude was just the right combination of no-messing and empathetic. It was clear that she was a strong person, but Izzy hadn’t sensed a single hint of unpleasantness from her.

____

“Bless them,” Izzy replied, a fond smile twisting her lips. “Blissful ignorance, I guess.”

____

“Yeah, well, I’m glad they’ve finally figured their shit out. I just hope they don’t fuck it up. I have a feeling the repercussions from that would be pretty drastic.”

____

Izzy nodded a little too vehemently. “Oh yeah, absolutely. It’s always a risk, dating in the workplace. They’re gonna have to be really careful with how they go about this.”

____

“I’ll keep Magnus on the straight and narrow, you do the same for Alec. Deal?”

____

Izzy held out her hand, which Catarina grasped firmly. “Deal,” she agreed. “Now, let’s get drunk?”

____

Cat smiled regretfully. “Ah, I wish I could, but my work doesn’t allow me to be hungover on the job. I will happily facilitate your intoxication, though.”

____

Before Izzy could ask what job it was that Catarina couldn’t be hungover for, the excitable puppy that was Simon Lewis came bounding over to their table. He had finished his set moments earlier, leaving the stage to a round of cheers from the crowd. Izzy had assumed he would need longer than sixty seconds to catch his breath backstage before coming out to meet them all, but it turned out she had been wrong. The man didn’t even seem out of breath.

____

“That was awesome!” he yelled at Clary, who likely would have responded with equal enthusiasm if she’d been allowed to get a word in. “I mean, was it awesome? It felt awesome, like, I had more fun than I’ve ever had in my entire life, but maybe it wasn’t good for everybody else? But then why were they cheering? Surely they wouldn’t cheer if they didn’t like it… unless they were just making fun of us? I mean–”

____

“Simon!” Clary interrupted, putting a much-needed end to his relentless wittering. “That was incredible. Everybody loved you. Even Alec was impressed, and you know how hard he is to impress.”

____

Simon frowned at that, quickly scanning the table. “Where is Alec?” Then, a look of realisation dawning on his face, he said, “Oh, and Magnus too?” Grinning, he didn’t even need to wait for Clary’s response to know exactly where they’d both disappeared to. “I knew it! That worked even better than we thought!”

____

“Well, not really,” Jace interjected, his hopeless attempt at sounding gruff well and truly failed. “The idea was for us to check this Magnus guy out, not for them to disappear together ten minutes in.”

____

“Well, that might have been your idea. Mine was to shove them together as many times as it took for them to finally confess their undying love!” Simon proclaimed, exulted. Since the band had ceased the playing of their instruments, it was significantly easier to hold a conversation in this place. Clearly, Jace and Simon were both now in Raphael’s newly extended earshot.

____

“Magnus doesn’t need checking out,” he rebuked, cold as ice. “He’s a great guy, your brother should be honoured that he’s giving him the time of day.”

____

Instinctively, Jace puffed out his chest like a howler monkey, sitting up a little straighter in his chair. “The same can be said for Alec.”

____

Raphael didn’t say a word. Instead, he stared directly into Jace’s mismatched eyes and didn’t look away, not for a second. The man didn’t even blink, though the glaring contest probably only lasted for a fraction of the time that it felt like.

____

“Come on, Raph. You can’t pretend like we didn’t come here for exactly the same reason as these guys,” Cat chimed in, the voice of reason.

____

Jace smirked. Raphael didn’t move a muscle.

____

The tension was held tight in a bright red balloon and Cat was a needle, sticking straight through the skin like a thorn through paper until it popped. It floated over them for a moment longer before slowly dissipating into the air around them, quickly replaced with mutual exasperation.

____

“I wonder what they’re doing? Well, actually, no, I’m pretty sure we can all guess what they’re doing. I mean, maybe not specifically but we get the general–”

____

“Simon!” Clary interrupted, cutting him off mid ramble for the second time that night, though they all knew it wouldn’t be the last.

____

“Yep, right. Sorry.”

____

The look shared between Cat and Raphael seemed to ask, ‘Who the fuck is this guy?’ but not in a cruel way, in more of an appreciatively confused sort of way.

____

“Sit down, Simon! You’ve been on your feet all night, come and have a drink,” Izzy suggested, though it was actually less of a suggestion and more of an instruction. Flabbergasted, Simon dazedly took a seat in the empty chair next to Izzy. “Please excuse my brother’s lack of manners. I’m Isabelle.”

____

“Lewis. Uh, Simon, Simon Lewis. It’s two first names, am I still talking?”

____

Izzy flashed a stunning grin, white teeth perfectly contrasting the deepest pink that coloured her lips. “That was a great performance, Simon Lewis.”

____

“Oh, uh, thank you! It was, well, it wasn’t just me. We write everything together, as a band, and I wouldn’t even have been able to get up on stage without them there next to me. So, really, it’s mostly them,” Simon rattled on.

____

“You should give yourself more credit, Simon. You were great,” Izzy said, and it clearly wasn’t up for debate. She grabbed an empty glass from the middle of the table, probably one that Magnus or Alec had left behind as they scarpered, and emptied the remains of the pitcher into it. Sliding it over to Simon she said, “Here. Drink this.”

____

Even if he’d wanted to, which he certainly didn’t, Simon couldn’t have argued with Izzy. There was something in her eyes that pulled him into her trance, every glance leaving him just that bit further under. Maybe, Simon thought, this was how Magnus felt when he looked at Alec. Maybe it was a Lightwood thing. If it was, it would explain why Clary was so infatuated with Jace. Though, it begged the question of how on earth Magnus could possibly get a single piece of work done sharing an office with Alec. Right now, Simon doubted his own ability to walk to the bar without becoming unsteady.

____

The same ailment befell Magnus Bane who, as Simon had theorised, was equally as entranced with his own Lightwood, stolen away halfway across the city. Though, that was the only thing Simon had been right about. His prediction that they were unlikely to be in a non-compromising position was a little off. Their position wasn’t exactly safe for work, but it was nowhere near the level of compromising that almost their entire family currently believed it to be.

____

“Kiss me.”

____

Magnus grinned, the cat that got the cream nowhere near as smug as the look he wore in that moment. He had pulled back to catch his breath, having had his lips attached to Alec’s for the better part of the last ten minutes. It turned out that patience wasn’t one of Alec’s virtues as the second Magnus had allowed him to breath his own air, he was asking to be kissed again. Well, asking was a rather generous way of looking at it. There was no question in Alec’s tone, much more accurately described as a demand.

____

In the same way that Magnus had just discovered Alec’s very low threshold for patience, Alec was about to learn a thing or two about Magnus’ love of teasing. He liked to play with his food before he ate it, something that could make for a very entertaining witness interrogation. Playing on Alec’s first mistake – failing to hide how deeply affected, some would say desperate, he was – Magnus leaned forward and pressed his lips against Alec’s cheek. Realising that Magnus was no easy catch, Alec let out a huff of amusement.

____

“You know that’s not what I meant,” he rasped, voice catching in his throat.

____

The picture of wide-eyed innocence, Magnus asked, “Oh, what did you mean then?”

____

“You know exactly what I want.”

____

“I really don’t, Alexander. Maybe if you asked me nicely?”

____

Alec sat up at that. Previously slouched backwards on the couch with probably only about three muscles in his entire body at work, he was now bolt upright in a mirror position of Magnus. It was as if those words had alerted the part of his brain that hadn’t let Alec lose an argument since he was eight years old that there was a potential victory to be scored here, interrupted its peaceful dozing in favour of proving a point and protecting his pride.

____

Without breaking away for a second, he looked at Magnus and said, “You don’t have to kiss me if you don’t want to. I’m sure you’ll cave before I do anyway.”

____

Magnus scoffed. “I absolutely will not,” he retorted, the look in his eyes screaming _challenge accepted. ___

______ _ _

“That’s fine then,” Alec replied, praying that he was feigning nonchalance as well as he thought he was. Impulsively, he reached out and hooked his finger beneath the necklace that lay on Magnus’ chest, brushing his skin for less than a second before gently pulling the silver pendant out from under Magnus’ shirt. Sliding his finger down the chain, he repositioned it over Magnus’ shirt, ever so slightly grazing the silk with the backs of his fingers before pulling away.

______ _ _

“I guess we just won’t kiss each other, then,” Alec said, somehow calmer than he had been all night. It didn’t last long.

______ _ _

If it was the last thing he did on this earth, Magnus was going to wipe that satisfied smile off Alec’s face. “Okay. We need rules. What counts as kissing?” Before Alec’s frown had the chance to deepen even more, Magnus clarified, “I mean, if I kiss you on the cheek that doesn’t count. So, what does?”

______ _ _

Alec swallowed. “Uh, the lips.”

______ _ _

“That’s it?” Magnus asked, his plan already in the late stages of its formation. “I can kiss you anywhere except on the lips?”

______ _ _

The blush that spread like wildfire across his face meant the first part of Magnus’ plan was going accordingly. Alec let out a small laugh, pitched a lot higher than Magnus assumed it had intended to be. “Well, uh, within reason.”

______ _ _

Magnus slowly advanced until there was less than an inch between his lips and Alec’s ear, then whispered, “Don’t worry, I’ll leave your clothes on.” Alec shivered, imagining the smirk that was plastered on Magnus’ smug face as he finished, “Well, most of them.”

______ _ _

This wasn’t going well for Alec. He needed to get it together if he had any hope of his pride, not to mention his sanity, remaining intact. He nearly – not quite, but nearly – regretted starting this in the first place. Though, in saying that, maybe he hadn’t actually started it. Maybe it had been Magnus. Honestly, he didn’t remember, and it didn’t particularly seem to matter. If Alec hadn’t started it, Magnus would have and if Magnus hadn’t started it, then Alec would have. The blame didn’t really need to be placed anywhere, considering neither of them would actually choose to stop this if they could. The chase was half of the fun, watching your prey squirm before you pounced was almost better than the pounce itself. For these two, at least. It was probably the reason behind their chosen career paths, much of being a lawyer was making people squirm. If you didn’t enjoy it, at least a little, then the job really was wasted on you.

______ _ _

Something else you had to enjoy as a lawyer, Alec knew, was working well under pressure. Portraying a swan-like calmness when you were exceedingly out of your depth. If he could do it in the courtroom, Alec could sure as hell do it on his own couch. “Okay, do your worst,” he challenged, before correcting himself, “or your best. Either way.”

______ _ _

Magnus paused for approximately four seconds before he attacked. Ever so dignified, he effortlessly swung his right leg over both of Alec’s and planted his knee firmly on the couch, leaving him securely straddling the younger man before he even knew what had happened. Alec’s response was an intake of breath, which he could only hope had been quieter than it had sounded to his own ears. Without hesitation, Magnus slid his palms along each side of Alec’s head, running his fingers through the thick tumble of hair. Reaching the nape of his neck, Magnus held his hands in place and stroked his fingertips over the soft hair he found there. Then he started again, rougher this time, eluding to the hair pull that he had no idea would drive Alec insane. Or maybe he did know, Alec thought. Why else would he be doing this, the odd scrape of his fingernails against Alec’s scalp, holding on tighter and for half a second longer?

______ _ _

Alec found himself lifting his chin up, as if angling for a kiss that he knew he wasn’t going to get. Not without asking, anyway. He knew he was losing and that simply wasn’t good enough. With self-assurance summoned from a place within him that he hadn’t even known existed, he reached for the top button of Magnus’s shirt. Irritatingly, his first attempt to relieve it from its cloth confines failed. Magnus’s hands froze in his hair. Alec couldn’t tell whether he was pausing to play fair, give Alec a chance at least, or whether his stillness wasn’t even a conscious decision and he was simply projecting his own swan-like demeanour that was bound to fail him occasionally. The second time was the charm, as Alec managed to free the button with fumbling fingers. Not wanting to lose his momentum, he traced his way down Magnus’ chest until he stumbled across the next button. This one was easier, and within seconds he had exposed another inch of skin. It was nothing Alec hadn’t seen before, but this time was different. They weren’t drunken colleagues or begrudging friends, they were something more now and they wanted nothing more than to drive each other insane with lust, purely because they could.

______ _ _

By the time Alec had undone the third button, his brief reprieve had come to an end. One hand remained entangled in Alec’s hair, with another coming to rest on his shoulder. It balanced Magnus at the perfect height to sink his lips into Alec’s neck. Starting off almost respectfully, Magnus mouthed at Alec’s skin with the occasional dart of his tongue for good measure. Refusing to be beaten, Alec pushed his hand in between the opening of Magnus’ shirt and traced a path from his chest all the way up to curl around his neck. Using the position to his advantage, he pulled Magnus even closer. Though, it wasn’t clear whether this was to his advantage or Magnus’. Ironically, he had forgotten all about wanting to kiss Magnus, the only reason for this whole charade in the first place. He only wanted to not be beaten, though he didn’t really know how a winner could be determined in this context.

______ _ _

Twisting the pressure dial up a notch, Magnus’ next move was to graze his teeth against the soft skin just below Alec’s ear. The quickly smothered gasp from Alec must have been mistaken as pain or discomfort, because Magnus quickly pulled back to look him in the eye.

______ _ _

“Sorry, got a bit carried away.”

______ _ _

“No it’s fine,” Alec said, the words escaping all too quickly.

______ _ _

Pressing his thumb against the patch he’d barely even scratched, Magnus said, “Did I hurt you?”

______ _ _

Unable to trust his own voice, Alec just shook his head.

______ _ _

“Good,” Magnus said.

______ _ _

Silently, Alec shook his head again.

______ _ _

“That’s not good?”

______ _ _

Once again, he shook his head no.

______ _ _

“Oh,” Magnus breathed, the elation pouring out of him in waves.

______ _ _

Perhaps, Alec thought, Magnus hadn’t misunderstood his gasp at all. Perhaps it was still part of the game, and he’d just tricked Alec into admitting yet another weak spot. But, if he were honest with himself, he really couldn’t have cared less. Especially not as Magnus moved back in and scraped his teeth just under Alec’s jawline, harder this time.

______ _ _

In a last-ditch attempt to pull his weight in this competition, desperate not to fall down to his knees without some semblance of a fight, he yanked open the remainder of Magnus’ shirt buttons. More skin displayed by that one movement than Alec had hoped to see for weeks, he needed a moment to falter before he could start smoothing his hands up and down and all over Magnus’ body. Unable to wrench his eyes away, he couldn’t decide whether the sight or the sensation was more overwhelming. This can only end one of two ways, Alec told himself.

______ _ _

He refused to tell Magnus he needed to stop, but if he chose to stop of his own accord then technically, Alec hadn’t lost. Placing his hand gently against Magnus’ chest, watching as it rose and fell with each somewhat-heaving breath, he shifted his head backwards, only slightly, but enough to quell the movement of Magnus’ lips. Magnus released his grip on the handful of Alec’s hair that he had been slowly pulling further and further away from its source, and moved his hand to rest on the side of Alec’s face. Pressing his forehead to Alec’s, he stroked his thumb back and forth along the younger man’s cheek. They stilled for a moment, yet again breathing the same air as they came down from whatever natural high they had found themselves riding, before Magnus pressed a tender kiss to his head and pulled himself back to his own side of the couch.

______ _ _

It was an unmeasurable amount of time before the silence was breached, though not a second of it was uncomfortable. Alec started by clearing his throat. “Well,” he said, hoping that would be sufficient.

______ _ _

“That was…” Magnus trailed off. That was the first time Alec had known Magnus to be lost for words and he decided that he was going to allow himself at least partial credit.

______ _ _

“Unexpected?” Alec offered.

______ _ _

“Well, I was thinking more along the lines of incredible, but yeah… that too.”

______ _ _

Words almost never came easily to Alec, and this certainly wasn’t one of the rare occasions that they did. Instead of trying to stumble his way through a sentence, he chose instead to remain quiet.

______ _ _

“Was that too much?”

______ _ _

Immediately, Alec responded, “No. Not too much.”

______ _ _

“Okay, good.”

______ _ _

“I just, uh, just think we shouldn’t–”

______ _ _

“No, I agree. I wasn’t meaning, I just… I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

______ _ _

Smiling, Alec reassured, “Pretty perfect over here, Magnus.”

______ _ _

“Hmm, you sure?"

______ _ _

There was something in Magnus’ tone that Alec couldn’t quite put his finger on, but knew he needed to be suspicious of.

______ _ _

“Yeah? Why?”

______ _ _

Savouring the moment, Magnus grinned. “Nothing,” he shrugged. “Just, I know how much you hate losing, so I thought you may have been a little sore.”

______ _ _

Outraged, Alec jolted back upright. “I did not lose!” he proclaimed.

______ _ _

“I’m very sorry darling, but you absolutely did.”

______ _ _

“I didn’t kiss you,” Alec argued, genuine annoyance across his features, “and I didn’t ask you to kiss me either.”

______ _ _

Nonchalant, much to Alec’s growing frustration, Magnus just smiled. “Come on, Alexander. You tapped out, you can’t deny that.”

______ _ _

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Alec insisted, though he was fully aware that he had. “If anything, you’re the one who stopped first, so you lose.”

______ _ _

Rolling his eyes in an extremely Alec-like mannerism, Magnus said, “Okay, agree to disagree?”

______ _ _

“Whatever,” Alec grumbled, channelling his inner moody teenager. “Until next time.”

______ _ _

“Until next time. I like the sound of that.”

______ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!!!!
> 
> Right?
> 
> Or am I just being far too self-congratulatory here? I don't mind, you can tell me xD I'm just so happy they finally stopped dancing around each other and just LET GO. Well, not completely, but they're trying to be sensible after all. 
> 
> The title of this chapter is a lyric from Brandyn Burnette - Down.
> 
> One final thing - I'll admit this was slightly rushed so if you spot any errors pretty please let me know so I can correct them!! Much appreciated <3


	23. a little bit scandalous

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so, I have an ear infection. I'm in a lot of pain and kinda miserable xD 
> 
> But! I have a little less going on at work than there has been these past few weeks. I think it might be starting to calm down a bit, so with any luck I can start to post more frequently again. I'm not sure how long I'll keep this story going for, there's definitely a few more things I want to cover before it ends but who knows, we'll just see where it goes. For now though, hopefully I should be updating again soon! I hope you enjoy this chapter. I wrote it this morning, all in one draft. Usually there'll be a few drafts of anything before it's ready to post, definitely at least two at the bare minimum! But this all just kind of came out of me at once. I corrected a couple of ridiculously long sentences that confused even me, but other than that it was all just one take. So hopefully it's not too bad!

Saturday, 18th January 2020. 00:48.

"We shouldn't be doing this."

"I know. I think that's making me want to do it even more."

"Yeah, me too," Alec agreed, desperately trying not to let an ounce of shame creep its way into his features as he sank down onto his knees in front of Magnus, refusing even to blink. Obviously, he didn't have to prove anything to Magnus, he knew that. But he did want to, nonetheless. He didn't want Magnus to think that he was going to regret this, that he was too drunk to make sound decisions, that he needed to be the responsible one and call the whole thing off. Alec didn't want any of that, he just wanted to make his own decision and live with any regret that may follow in the morning. Living in the moment, he believed it was called.

Though, his concern was ill-founded. Magnus was in no way closer to being the responsible one than Alec was. In that room, at that moment, there was no responsible one. That room, if he were being exact, was the one and only bathroom in Alec's apartment, currently being occupied by five fully-grown adults who, potentially, could very soon need to use the facilities. They were a good portion of the way into the night and each seal had been well and truly broken. It was a miracle that the door wasn't already being pounded on by an aggravated guest. Simon, Clary, Jace, Izzy and Catarina were currently playing never have I ever in Alec's living room, likely all the wiser as to what was happening only metres away from them. It was a rather mismatched group of people, but they seemed to coalesce surprisingly well. The get together had been planned by Isabelle and Catarina shortly after Magnus and Alec had ditched them at the bar on Wednesday, apparently the cost of which was that Alec's apartment was going to need a deep clean the morning after. Both Magnus and Alec had been pleased with how well everybody had gotten along, even taking into account Jace and Raphael's attempt at vying for the alpha male position which didn't even exist in the first place, but certainly hadn't been expecting the almost best-friend like status that Cat and Izzy had jumped to within the space of one night. Izzy had informed Alec bright and early on Thursday morning that she was having friends over this weekend and he was invited. Oh, and one of those friends happened to be Magnus' best friend Cat, who she'd thoroughly hit it off with when Alec had so thoughtlessly ditched her in a bar full of strangers. Well, a bar full of strangers and her older brother. But, to Izzy, the bar full of strangers story was a much better justification for the next bombshell she was about to drop.

"It's not a party," she had claimed, faux innocence pouring through the speakers of his phone, before proceeding to explain that he couldn't decline the invitation because it was actually going to be in his apartment. 

"Why is it in my apartment?" Alec had demanded.

Izzy had just tutted. "Don't be so boring Alec. You're gonna be an old man soon, enjoy your youth while you can! Uhh, I've gotta go or I'll be late for work," she'd said, which was probably half true. "See you tomorrow!" 

"Yeah, looking forward to it," he'd muttered to absolutely nobody. Though, in truth, he was. The opportunities to see Magnus just kept on presenting themselves ever so perfectly and Alec couldn't honestly believe his luck. He would have no problem in asking Magnus out on a date, though three times in less than seven days was slightly pushing it, he felt. Alec didn't want to be too intense for Magnus, but he also couldn't go more than three seconds without thinking of the man and having to only see him once a week, or whatever amount of times was socially acceptable, felt far too heart-wrenching for him. So, the fact that Jace and Clary and Izzy, and even Simon, were all conspiring to push Magnus and Alec closer together really was not a problem for him. Though, it had seemed like there was less of an agenda for tonight's gathering and Izzy was simply aiming for a test drive of her tentative friendship with Catarina. 

Kudos to them, they had made it through most of the night without sneaking away to the bathroom for a quickie, like the respectable adults that they were. In truth, Catarina was partly to blame for what was happening between them right now. They had been perfectly well behaved, not touching, not kissing, barely even flirting, until Cat's most recent never have I ever. Their saving grace had probably been that Alec's apartment was predominantly open plan, meaning that the kitchen and the living room blended into one, so there was nowhere for them to sneak away to. Or at least, there was nowhere for them to sneak away to that wasn't shamelessly blatant, which Alec was not. Magnus, as Alec had just learned however, was. 

"My turn..." Cat had somewhat slurred, taking another sip of her drink before continuing, "never have I ever..." she trailed off, shooting a sinister grin in Magnus' direction before finishing, "ditched my friends at a club while I went and fucked somebody in the bathroom."

There'd been the smallest flash of shock on Magnus' face once he realised which story Cat had decided to regale, but it was gone quicker than it had appeared. Magnus didn't do shame, Alec knew. It was a trait that he refused to engage with because of its inherent unhelpfulness, a skill that Alec was trying to master but knew he was a long way away from doing so. Watching Magnus do that, hear something that had the potential to be embarrassing and right there, in the moment, just _deciding_ not to be embarrassed, was so impressive. Alec would be lying if he tried to claim that it didn't make him even the slightest bit jealous. It did, but not in the harmful way. Jealous in the sense that every time he witnessed such as display of nonchalance, he was just that bit more motivated to carve out that self-confidence for himself some day.

How that had let to where they were now, was all a bit of a blur. Magnus had shaken off his momentary surprise, plastered his trademark smirk all over his face and looked Alec in the eye as he asked, "If I've done that twice, does that mean I have to drink twice? Or just once?"

Then it had been Catarina's turn to be shocked. "Seriously? When was the other time?"

"Hmm, I may as well just drink twice."

Speechless, Alec had just stared at Magnus took two of the biggest gulps from his glass that Alec had seen all night, which was impressive considering they were drinking with Izzy, and his little sister could drink. The amount of times she'd had him under the table was... well, he'd lost count.

Head spinning, more from intoxication than any actual response to Magnus' revelation, Alec had quietly stood and taken himself unsteadily to the bathroom. Not bothering to close the door, he had perched uncomfortably on the side of the bath and rested his head in his hands. Once it had quickly become apparent that that position only made the walls spin at a more alarming rate, he'd lifted his head from out of his palms. Impressively, he'd managed not to let out the squeal that he knew wanted to escape at the sudden sight of Magnus stood in the entrance to the bathroom. 

"Alec? You okay?"

Unconvincingly, Alec had just nodded his head, wondering when his movements had become so sluggish.

"I'm sorry if that freaked you out. I was just-"

"No, no, Magnus, no. I'm not freaked out. The room was spinning," he laughed, somewhat pitifully, "that's all. I was just, I dunno. I thought the bathroom might help, somehow. Who knows."

"Ohh," Magnus had sighed, relief apparent in the way his body drooped from its previously tensed up position. Stepping over the threshold, he'd said, "Oh, well that's alright then. Not alright, but, you know. Can I get you anything?"

Pulling himself upright, Alec had shaken his head. "It's okay, thanks though. I'm actually feeling a lot better now." There was a slight pause allowed before he'd continued, "So, twice?"

Magnus had just nodded, slightly unsure of himself.

Without a moment's hesitation, Alec had leaned past Magnus, disregarding the notion of personal space, and pulled the bathroom door shut behind them. What had ensued could only be described as frantic, with the pair of them clearly making up for all the times they'd refrained from touching one another that night. It had probably been a matter of minutes before Alec had breathed out his concerns that they really shouldn't be doing this, though neither of them were making any effort to keep track of the time. Once it had been established that neither of them were going to be deterred by the inappropriate time and place, all limits seemed to be cast well and truly aside. On his knees as he stared up at Magnus, Alec felt only two things. Vulnerability, and lust. It was a rather common pairing, Alec believed, though he had never felt either of them quite so strongly as he did then.

Magnus had made no attempt to disguise the utter shock on his face, probably preoccupied with a whole host of other thoughts that had nothing to do with his facial features whatsoever. The noise of Magnus' zip sent a jolt of reality through Alec. His baby sister was in the next room. She would never let him live this down. But then, gently, one of Magnus' hands found its way into the tangle of hair atop Alec's head. Grasping a handful and ever so slightly pulling, Magnus breathed out two words. Or, maybe, one word and a sigh. "Oh, Alexander."

With that, Alec's doubts, if he'd even had any to begin with, crumbled into dust around him, ready to be blown away with every heaving pant that came from above. Oh, and blown away they were. It wasn't until the knock came, Jace loudly hammering on the bathroom door yelling, "Come on, hurry up, I need to piss!" that they realised this wasn't some fervent sex dream they were about to come crashing down from. This wasn't a dream at all, this was intensely real, and it was now time to decide whether or not they needed to regret this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehe. Yep, a little bit scandalous indeed.
> 
> The title of this chapter is a lyric from Ariana Grande - Into You.


	24. losing our cool so slowly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: There is derogatory language used in this chapter, as in, slut-shaming towards one of our boys. I don't think it's too severe but just beware.
> 
> I haven't been able to write anything for a few days because I've had an ear infection and I stubbornly waited a week to go to the doctors, letting it get so bad that I got sent home from work because I was crying xD don't do it peeps, just go to the doctors. So, now that all the schools in the UK are closed, I'm having to work from home for the next month (at least, probably more). The world is a weird place right now and I'm going to do my best to get through it with music and writing.
> 
> I hope everyone reading this is safe and well, your loved ones too <3

Saturday, 18th January 2020. 00:56.

“Shit, shit, shit, shit...” 

Neither man had moved since Jace’s interruption. Magnus stared, open mouthed, as Alec demonstrated a complete incapability to do anything other than repeat the word shit until the problem resolved itself around him. Judging by their reaction, you would have assumed that they hadn’t been aware of the party occurring metres away from them. In actual fact, they’d been fully aware, but also fully intoxicated, leaving a wide gap in their decision-making. “Come on Alec, you can screw each other as much as you want once I’ve used the toilet! I was just going to use the sink, but Clary wouldn’t let me,” Jace yelled through the door, accompanying each word with a booming thud against the door, echoing all the way down to Magnus’ core. In all honesty, Magnus wouldn’t have cared less about this in any other circumstance, his track record proved that. The only concern Magnus currently had was Alec. The man was the definition of reserved, not to mention proud. Alec had never openly discussed a single aspect of his personal life in the office, giving a whole new meaning to privacy. It wouldn’t surprise Magnus if he was just the same at home, keeping everything close to his chest even with the people he loved. It was his nature, Magnus had learned, and now he had jeopardised that. 

Gutted, Magnus tried to smooth over what had just happened the best he could. “Come on,” he whispered, offering a hand to pull Alec to his feet, “let’s just go. It’s not going to be that bad.” 

Well, he wasn’t swearing anymore, Magnus thought. Dazedly, Alec looked up, as if he was having to run Magnus’ words through his head twice as many times before they actually made any sense. Slowly, he nodded. “Yeah,” he croaked, clasping Magnus’ hand in his own, “fuck it.” 

Alec pushing the door straight open reminded Magnus that they hadn’t even locked the door. They really weren’t holding back tonight. 

To his credit, Jace clearly wasn’t trying to embarrass Alec. “Fucking finally,” he moaned, rolling his eyes as he barged past them. “Close the door behind you,” he ordered, and Alec complied. Standing alone together in the hallway of Alec’s tiny apartment, Magnus felt as if he was in a movie, and in that movie he had just woken up from a dream in which he was living in an alternative universe and nothing was actually real. Surreal, that was the word he was looking for. Surreal. You’ve ruined this already, he berated himself. Alec’s not that kind of person, he actually respects himself, for a start. You watch, he’s not going to want anything to do with you now. Fuck, why do you always have to be such a slut, Magnus? 

See, he told himself, watching as Alec turned away from him and walked straight over to his bedroom door. Humiliated at the idea of having to go back into the living room and face Alec’s entire family just so he could get his shoes and show himself out, he sighed. There wasn’t an ounce of fight left in him, accepting his fate was the only option. 

“You coming?” 

Magnus stared. 

“He’ll be out in a second,” Alec whispered, gesturing at the bathroom door. He was holding the door open, Magnus realised. Not shutting him out, holding the door open for him. Dumfounded, Magnus slipped past Alec into his bedroom. This doesn’t mean anything, he reminded himself. He’s just being his kind, respectful self, letting Magnus down gently instead of shutting the door in his face. This may actually be worse. 

Closing the door left the room a shade lighter than pitch black, plunging them into the longest silence Magnus had ever endured while Alec fumbled for the light switch. The second they were illuminated, Magnus immediately longed for the safety of the darkness. Now Alec could see him, he felt... scrutinised. Unable to look Alec in the eye, he fixed his gaze to the ground. 

“I, uh, Magnus I... I’m sorry, about that. I uh... got a little carried away. I hope, I hope you’re not... uh...” 

“Wait, Alec, why are you apologising?” 

“Well, uh, for that,” he explained, motioning vaguely in the direction of the hallway and the dreaded bathroom. 

“Yes, but, why are _you_ apologising?” 

“Well, it was kinda my fault?” Alec questioned, frowning at Magnus’ confusion. 

Magnus frowned back. “It was?” 

“Yeah,” Alec agreed, a weak laugh escaping in a desperate bid to break the tension. “I just, I wanted to apologise. I know we agreed to take things slowly and that definitely wasn’t slow. Not to mention the, yanno, circumstances.” 

Magnus tried to cast his mind back but everything was hazy. It was harder than it should be to recall the events of less than an hour ago. They were playing never have I ever, Magnus had admitted to his more voyeuristic moments, Alec had run off to the bathroom, Magnus had followed him and– oh. Alec had closed the door. Alec had kissed him. Alec had gotten down to his knees. It wasn’t Magnus, he hadn’t screwed up, he hadn’t pushed too far or been too much. He hadn’t... maybe he hadn’t ruined this. 

“Oh. I thought... I...” 

Floundering, he hadn’t been expecting this. He was used to accusations, not apologies. 

Trying again, he said, “It’s okay, you don’t need to apologise. I think we both got a little carried away.” 

Alec nodded, thoughtfully, before throwing himself down onto his bed. “Well, if nothing else, it’s certainly sobered me up,” he remarked. 

Magnus perched on the end of the bed, clearly not as comfortable as Alec. He let the silence have its moment before commenting, “You know, they probably think we’re having sex in here.” 

“Yeah, they probably do.” 

“Does that bother you?” 

Alec considered that, the implications of his question, before answering, “No, you?” 

“No.” 

“Okay, good,” Alec said, sitting upright before asking, “do you think it’s rude if we just stay in here?” 

“I don’t think it would be the rudest thing we’ve done all night.” 

Laughing at that, Alec agreed, “No, I think you’re right.” Mind made up, he leant back down on the bed, only this time, he laid on his side with a whole host of empty space in front of him. There were no words needed for it to be a clear invitation, one which Magnus readily accepted. Exhaling, every ounce of tension drained from his body as it curved into Alec’s. Somehow, Magnus felt as if this was the closest he’d ever been to Alec, and maybe it was. Feeling Alec’s arm rest tentatively on his waist, he hid his smile deep in the pillow and pushed himself that tiny bit further into the warmth. 

“You know, if everybody already thinks we’re having sex...” 

That pulled a laugh from Magnus “When did you get so bold, Alexander?”

“Hmm, no idea,” Alec sighed, planting a kiss against the back of Magnus’ head, “but I‘m pretty sure it's got something to do with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is a lyric by Nothing But Thieves - Is Everybody Going Crazy?
> 
> It's just been released a few days ago and it's brilliant, and especially relevant to the current state of our world. I'd recommend giving it a listen.
> 
> Much love,   
> Ash x


	25. tell me what you want

Saturday, 18th January 2020. 07:03. 

For as long as he could remember, Alec had hated the morning after. Every sip of alcohol coaxed him one step further to forgetting about the things he should have done before he left the office, the things he already regretted saying that day and the things that he had no clue how he was going to get done tomorrow. The relief that it brought was unparalleled, but entirely temporarily. The pain that followed was a combination of shame and genuine physical turmoil. Hangovers were awful, head pounding, stomach churning, heart jumping at each and every reminder of your own actions the night before. 

Trying to muster the strength to roll over into a less nausea-inducing position, Alec heard a groan emanating from the other corner of the bed. Blurred memories, fragmented pictures of events were all he could recall. 

“Alec?” 

Magnus. Well that brought back a large chunk of the night before. 

“Magnus,” he tried to rasp, but couldn’t even manage the slightest sound. He swallowed and tried again, “Magnus. You okay?” 

“Mmmm,” he groaned again, this time even quieter. 

Pulling strength from somewhere Alec had fully doubted the existence of, he managed to roll himself over to face Magnus. “You alright?” 

“Mmm.” 

“I’m gonna get some water.” 

“Mmm.” 

Confronting this thing head on, he stood himself as straight as he could and hobbled out into the living room. It appeared that Jace and Clary had gotten a taxi back to their place at some point in the night, whereas Izzy and Catarina had decided to just crash fully clothed on the couches. They weren’t comfortable couches either. Countless times, Alec had been simply too exhausted to move from the couch into his bed, so he hadn’t. Waking up with an aching back, neck, shoulders, and just entire body really, doused him with enough regret that he swore to himself never to let it happen again, which he promptly forgot about that very same night. He didn’t doubt that Izzy and Cat would feel the same aches and pains as soon as they joined him in the painful realm of consciousness, likely doubled up with their own version of his excruciating hangover. They had been equally as intoxicated as Magnus and Alec, and he had no idea how much they’d both consumed after the two men had... well... left them to it. 

Alec wasn’t looking forward to the questions he was going to have to answer today. In fact, he was rather dreading them. 

_What were you thinking?_

_Did you actually screw him?_

__

_How much had you been drinking?_

__

_You must be regretting it?_

_Why?_

He was dreading answering them because, in truth, the honest response to each and every one was, “Fuck knows.” 

He would be eternally grateful that neither Izzy nor Catarina was awoken by his clumsy fumbling around the kitchen, or when he forcefully banged his toe against the bedroom door in his effort not to open his eyes to the searing light of the world. 

“Here you go, Magnus. Drink some of this, you’ll feel better.” 

“You’re lying,” Magnus whispered, the accusation dredged from the deepest recess of his poor dehydrated insides. 

“Maybe, but it’ll make me feel better,” Alec offered. With no further protest, Magnus pulled himself as upright as he could and took a few tentative sips of tepid water. The nausea in Alec’s stomach was momentarily replaced with gentle fluttering of the butterflies that had made their home there not long after his first date with the man currently pressing his hands deeply into the sockets of his eyes, likely trying to block out even the remotest source of light trying to assault his retinas. 

The second that both rounds of paracetamol had been painfully consumed, both men sank slowly back down onto the soft mattress, softer than they deserved, and proceeded to doze in and out of some much-needed sleep. It was almost midday by the time Alec fully regained consciousness for the second time that day, and it was to the angry vibration of his phone on the bedside cabinet next to him. He usually switched it onto silent before he went to sleep, but he wasn’t surprised that last night had been an exception. 

What did surprise him, however, was that he was being awoken by none other than his baby brother. What was Max doing calling him unprompted on a Saturday morning? Usually, he was far too ensconced in his own life to think about texting Alec, never mind picking up the phone and calling him. 

“Hi, Max?” Alec answered, confusion clear. 

“Hey big brother!” Max jeered, much too enthused for Alec’s liking. 

“What’s up?” 

“Nothing much, just chilling at home. How’s the _boyfriend_?” 

“What?” 

“You heard me.” 

So, it appeared, had Magnus. It was as if an extremely unwanted lightbulb had flicked its way on in Magnus’ brain, as he lunged towards his phone, fragile body cast to the back of his mind, and began to scroll through unread messages with his shaking fingers. 

“Oh God,” he whispered, staring down at his phone in horror. 

Well, at least it’s the weekend.  
_Recieved 11:03._

It’s party time!!!!!  
_Delivered 11:03_

Not that it would matter to you if it wasn’t...  
_Received 11:04._

Hey, what’s that supposed to mean??  
_Delivered 11:04. ___

____

It means that you certainly haven’t been opposed to a few drinks on a Tuesday before, and it wouldn’t surprise me if the pattern was repeating itself Magnus.  
_Received 11:05._

__

It’s not repeating itself, there’s no pattern. I’m not heartbroken, I’m in love! He’s wonderful Ragnor, 

__

That was all Alec could see. He hadn’t meant to look, he really hadn’t. But Magnus’ gasp had caught his attention and then he hadn’t been able to stop himself. Not that it mattered anyway. Magnus knew that he’d read them, and he didn’t look annoyed. 

__

“Alec, you still there?” 

__

“Oh, uh, yeah Max, I’m here. Uh, what did you say, sorry?” 

__

“I said, how’s the boyfriend?” 

__

Alec paused. There was no way he was going to correct Max, not after what he’d just read, but he’d never actually referred to himself as Magnus’ boyfriend. It seemed like too much of a step to take by himself, without some form of confirmation, or permission, from Magnus. 

__

“Why are you asking that?” 

__

“Well, you were both pretty drunk last night. I’m assuming that you’re both regretting it now.” 

__

“Regretting what?” Alec demanded, his tone sharp with panic. 

__

“The drinking... obviously. Come on Alec, get with it.” 

__

“Yeah, right, of course,” he croaked, daring to glance over at Magnus and seeing that he looked probably about as traumatised as Alec did. “Uh, I’m gonna have to go Max, I’m in a really bad way here. I’ll call you later though, it’s good to hear from you.” 

__

“Yeah, sure thing Alec. Have a nice hangover,” he chirped, ending the call without warning. 

__

Magnus didn’t say a word. If Alec were honest, he looked more likely to be sick than actually voice anything coherent. 

__

“Magnus, uh–” 

__

“God, we were really drunk, huh?” 

__

“Yeah, mortal. Uh, about the texts... sorry, I didn’t mean to read them.” 

__

“It’s okay Alexander. What’s done is done.” 

__

“Yeah, true.” 

__

Now was the time for denial, for ignoring the problem and hoping that it went away and fixed itself without any effort from him. Now was the time... fuck it. 

__

“I love you too, Magnus. Just so you know.” 

__

“You... what?” 

__

“You heard me.” 

__

Magnus had heard him, certainly. The words had entered his brain through all the right passages, made all the right connections, then they had simply scrambled. No thought or rationale was coming from Magnus anytime soon, and he knew that. He just didn’t know how to voice it, how to explain everything that was on his mind without _explaining_ everything that was on his mind. He didn’t know how to make sense, because he barely even made sense to himself. 

__

In the end, the word that came out of his mouth was absolutely the last thing he would have chosen to say, had he been thinking straight. The one word he decided to say was, “Okay.” Just that, nothing else. 

__

It took Alec a few seconds to compute before he said, a hurt yet shielded look on his face, “Okay?” 

__

“Um, yes?” 

__

“Right, okay. Great. I’m just gonna go get some more paracetamol.” 

__

With that, Alec was up and out of there, faster than he had moved all morning, and with more regret pounding through his body than the remains of gin from the night before. 

__

_I love you._

____

____

_Okay._

__

Alec shook his head, routing through his cupboards in search of some extremely necessary pain relief. Well, he thought, I guess that’ll have to do.

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is by Max Frost - $Dreams.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed, and that you're not too pissed at me! I'll make it up to you, I swear.


	26. rip my heart out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you can catch the Billie Eilish reference in this, then I love you with all my heart.

Saturday, 18th January 2020. 12:04. 

“Can I talk to you please, Alec?” 

“Sure,” Alec chirped, his tone a worse fake than the angry smile plastered all over his face. 

“In private?” Magnus tried. 

“I’m _okay_ right here.” 

“Alec, I can explai–” 

“Go ahead,” Alec snapped, shoving the apologetic words back down Magnus’ throat before he’d even heard them. 

“Why are you being like this? I know I hurt your feelings, but I can _explain_ , Alec,” he pleaded. In the face of Alec’s silent dismissal, he opted for a more dangerous tactic. He knew it was a mistake, but the fire inside of him couldn’t be quenched with only reason and sensibility. It needed to burn, even when it shouldn’t, so he snapped out, “Besides, even if I couldn’t, I didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t owe you anything.” 

The look in Alec’s eyes was unlike anything that Magnus had ever seen. It wasn’t anger, it wasn’t hurt, and it certainly wasn’t hate. It was the exact opposite, it was... empty. Alec had completely shut the door in Magnus’ face, not even allowing him to glance the tiniest bit of emotion. He expressed nothing as he said, “I know you don’t, in the same way I don’t owe you anything.” 

“Jesus. I remember why...” 

Drily, Alec asked, “You remember what, Magnus? You remember why you used to hate me? Because I hadn’t actually forgotten.” 

Too far, that was too far. Since Magnus had said that dreaded word, it had all been too much. Ironic, considering that this had all happened because Magnus hadn’t said enough. They had taken this too far and Magnus needed to leave before one of them said something they couldn’t take back, because he knew it would probably be him. He had a way with words when he wanted, pushing people far, far away as naturally as breathing. The last thing he wanted was to force Alec back and back and back until he was out of reach, so he took a step in the other direction. One step backwards, two steps forward. He hoped. 

“No, I hadn’t forgotten, Alexander. I hadn’t forgotten your rudeness, your arrogance, your stubbornness or your holier-than-thou attitude. I hadn’t forgotten your pride, your refusal to ever fucking listen or give anybody a chance to prove that they’re not the write-off you’ve already categorised them as. I hadn’t forgotten how intolerable you can be, without even fucking trying. Or maybe you are trying, maybe you’re just so damaged that you can’t help but push everybody away in the same way that I do. Maybe we’re just too similar for this to have ever been a good idea,” Magnus wanted to blurt, but he stopped himself with some sort of magic. 

It was in Magnus’ head, on his tongue, but that’s where it stayed. Thankfully, he was able to grip the words in between his teeth and keep them from escaping, because he had no idea how irreparable the damage would be if they did. 

“Come on, Cat, let’s leave,” Magnus said, affecting the most upbeat persona he could manage. “Places to go, people to see.” 

“Oh please. You can’t even walk in a straight line,” he monotoned, staring unblinkingly at Magnus. “Get over yourself.” 

“Alec,” Izzy snapped, tone harsher than anybody was expecting. 

“What?” he snapped right back. Part of him wanted to storm off, hide himself in his bedroom and only emerge after some sort of apocalypse had spread its way over the globe, turning this into old news. But he couldn’t, because the rest of him was too afraid to be alone with Magnus. Here, he was safe. Magnus had already proven that he wasn’t going to say whatever it was that he wanted to say in front of the others but, alone, there was nothing to shield him from even more seemingly innocent words that would actually cut him to shreds in a second. It was highly unlikely that Magnus would seek out his company anyway, after what he’d just said, but Alec couldn’t risk it. So, in the kitchen he stayed, pressed up as close to the cabinets as he could get while Magnus roughly shoved his feet into his shoes. 

Izzy and Catarina shared a look, as if to question what in the eternal hell had they’d just woken up to, though neither of them had an answer. The slam of Alec’s door, undoubtably waking everybody unlucky enough to share the hallway, told him that Magnus had left. In his rage, he had thought that Magnus leaving would probably make him feel better. He hadn’t been right, but he hadn’t been wrong either. He didn’t feel much of anything. Indifferent was the most appropriate description, but that didn’t seem to fit either. He certainly couldn’t pretend not to care about what had just happened, but he also had no motivation to do anything about it whatsoever. 

“Alec, what the fuck was that?” 

Indeed, Alec mused, what the fuck was that? 

“I need to go back to bed.” 

“Wait, Alec. Seriously, are you okay?” 

Weakly, Alec smiled. “Yeah. Well, no. Not really, Iz, but there’s nothing you can do. Look, I promise I’ll explain later. Well, some of it anyway. But I just really need to sleep.” 

Izzy sighed, gently easing herself back onto the couch and curling up into a tight little ball. “Yeah, sleep would be wonderful right about now. But I am going to hold you to that promise, Alec.” 

“Yeah, I know.” 

Alec was angry. He couldn’t tell if he was angrier than he was hurt. Though, he wasn’t naïve enough to not realise that his anger was a by-product of his hurt. It doesn’t seem fair that someone can cause so much pain without having an ounce of awareness of the repercussions but, then again, wasn’t that exactly what he had just done? Just because he had been hurt, Alec thought, it didn’t mean that the one who had hurt him was a bad person. Because after all, I’m not a bad person, am I? Alec knew, as much as he didn’t want to admit it, that he had said things he shouldn’t have. He also believed that Magnus would, reluctantly, admit the same thing. They had both hurt each other, yet neither of them was a bad person, and they didn’t need to be. The world was much too grey for that, no single action able to be placed in between lines of black and white. 

It didn’t matter though, because Magnus wasn’t talking to him. Or maybe he wasn’t talking to Magnus but, again, it didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered to Alec right now was his hangover. More specifically, getting rid of it. While Alec was crawling dismally back between the sheets, berating himself for the self-pity coursing through his veins, the source of his all-consuming pain was marching adamantly along the street below him with his poor, desperately dehydrated friend traipsing miserably along behind him. 

“Magnus, just because you’re too angry to feel your hangover, doesn’t mean that I am!” Cat yelled at the back of his head. 

Fortunately, he slowed to an almost halt while he waited for her to catch up, though he still couldn’t bring himself to stop. The energy, the fury, burning through him needed some sort of outlet. 

“Magnus, where are you even going?” Cat asked, only a few footsteps behind him now. 

“Home!” 

“You live like twenty minutes from here,” she groaned, grimacing her way through a cough before finishing, “I'd be on the floor after two. We need to call a taxi.” When he said nothing, she pointed at the nearest grimy bench she could find and ordered, “Just sit here, Magnus.” 

“No,” he huffed, feet now carrying him in disjointed circles and lines, pacing back and forth with no real intent. 

“Why?” 

“I don’t want to.” 

“Fine,” she sighed, pulling her phone from her back pocket before slouching down onto the hard metal bench. Really, she didn’t want to be anywhere near the thing, nevermind sitting on it. But, desperate times. 

Magnus felt a pang of guilt, watching Cat clumsily thumbing numbers into her phone with shaking fingers, while he brooded unhelpfully on the pavement next to her. But he just couldn’t think straight. If he attempted to call for a taxi in this moment, he would likely end up rolling off an extensive list of reasons as to why Alexander was in the wrong to the unlucky operator who happened to be on call that morning. Yes, Magnus could have handled the initial situation better. He wasn’t denying that, and he had known that Alec was hurt the second that blasted word had come of out of his stupid mouth. But if Alec had just let him explain, instead of being his usual impossible self, it wouldn’t have had to go that far. Using Cat and his baby sister as a shield just so he didn’t have to talk to Magnus, acting as if he was entitled to be loved after less than a month of dating. Hell, they weren’t even dating yet. They weren’t anything. 

Of course Magnus loved him, for fucks sake. That’s why he was so angry, and he knew it. But it didn’t change the fact that nobody had the right to demand love. Even if they’d been in a relationship for the past year and a half, it wouldn’t mean that Alec had the right to hear those three words. He shouldn’t have been so angry with Magnus. Why had he been so angry? It was easy enough to decipher. He was hurt, and likely embarrassed. Alec wasn’t the type to wear his heart on his sleeve, but he’d just hung it out on a chain around his neck, and now it was missing. Of course he was going to react badly to that, Magnus just wished that he hadn’t. It was infuriating, because none of this had needed to happen. Why hadn’t he just said it back? Don’t blame yourself, he admonished, Alec shouldn’t have overreacted. It’s his fault, not yours. The rational part of his brain was screaming at him that he was wrong, it wasn’t anybody’s fault and he was being just as pig-headed as he had accused Alec of being. But the screams were drowned out by his own refusal to listen to them. It was simple really, denial. Just keep your eyes closed as you walk in the complete wrong direction, and you won’t have to face reality until it’s far too late to do anything about it. 

“Magnus? Magnus, are you listening?” 

“No, sorry, what?” 

“I said, they’re going to be here in about six minutes. We’re lucky it’s still early, or we would’ve been fucked.” 

“Yeah, well, I already am,” he sulked. 

“Oh come on Magnus, don’t start this self-pity shit now. It doesn’t look good on you. What even happened, anyway?” 

“Nothing, just Alec being his usual douchey, entitled, fucking arrogan–” 

“Without the insults, maybe?” 

“Why, because you want to screw his sister?” 

“I don’t want to screw his sister, and I’m not going to talk to you if you’re being this unreasonable.” 

He paused, momentarily, just enough to catch the tiredness on his friend’s face. Stop taking your frustration out on people that don’t deserve it, Magnus. 

“Sorry Cat,” he said, moving to perch beside her on the bench, “I shouldn’t be taking this out on you.” 

“You shouldn’t, no. For the record, I like Izzy, but not like that. Not that I need to explain that to you.” 

“No, you don’t. Ignore me, I’m just being intolerable,” he sighed, running his hands through his hair with a grip that was just on the right side of too tight. 

“You’re not being intolerable, you’re being human. The reason I want you to try it without the insults is because they’re clouding your vision. If you just keep calling him a fucking prick and this and that, then that’s all you’re going to be looking at,” she explained, managing to sound the epitome of wise even with her head resting heavily in her hands. “But if you explain to me in words exactly what happened and why you’re upset, you’re probably going to see that whatever happened, in the cold light of day, isn’t actually that bad. Then if it is actually that bad, I’ll kick his head in for ya,” she joked, though Magnus didn’t doubt for a moment that Cat could inflict some real pain if she really wanted to. 

Magnus sighed, unwillingly, but unable to keep it in. “You’re right,” he said, sighing again. “You’re always right.” 

“Come on then, moody bum, tell me what happened.” 

Not even objecting to the ridiculous term of endearment, Magnus admitted, “He told me he loved me.” Eternally grateful that Cat didn’t say a word, instead letting him finish before casting her judgment, Magnus continued, “He saw some texts on my phone. I’d apparently been going on about how in love I was to Ragnor. I don’t think he meant to look, but he did. Then he just said, it’s okay, I love you too, and I meant to tell him that I love him, because of course I do, but I was overwhelmed and hungover and just... I just stared at him. Then I just said okay. Literally just one word, okay. Which, yes, I’ll admit isn’t the perfect response to a declaration of love, and I understand that his feelings got hurt, and his damn pride. But he needn’t have been so insulted. It’s almost as if he thinks these past few weeks I’ve just been, what, fucking around? How could he think so little of me, that I'd be so insensitive? I mean, if I didn’t love him, I would still have said something a little better than just okay,” Magnus ranted, barely having taken a breath since he started. “I was obviously just hungover, still half asleep for fucks sake. He overreacted, and then I overreacted, and honestly I just wish we could take the whole thing back. But we can’t, and now we’re stuck with it, and I feel like shit, and my mouth tastes absolutely rancid,” he finished, hands finally stopping the wild flailing they’d been doing as he’d narrated the disastrous events of the morning. 

“Okay. You definitely need to talk this through with him because, you’re gonna hate me for saying this Magnus but, this whole thing could literally be solved in a matter of minutes,” she stated, cutting Magnus off before he could interject, “but first, we’re going to go home, shower, sleep and eat something. I guarantee, once you’ve done all of that you won’t be anywhere near as highly strung as you are now.” 

“Hey, I’m not highly strung,” Magnus complained, a ridiculous pout beginning to form on his lips. 

“No, you’re not, but you’re acting it,” she said, tiredness growing more prominent in her voice by the minute. 

“I know, Cat, I know. I will, I’ll go home, shower and sleep and all that. Then I’ll call him.” 

“Good. You’d better sort this out Magnus, because he’s actually really decent.” 

Exasperated, Magnus shook his head. “You’re telling me that the second you actually approve of someone I’m with, everything turns to shit?” 

Before Cat could answer, Magnus saw what he hoped was their car speeding towards them. “Here,” he said, gently tapping her shoulder, “looks like our ride’s here.” 

Cat mumbled something under her breath, just too quiet for him to catch it, but he could make an educated guess that she wasn’t singing his praises. The sinking feeling that had been getting lower and lower in his stomach since... the incident, had now begun to twist and turn with some ferocity. Ever the pessimist, he couldn’t pull his mind away from every scathing remark he wanted to take back, every scathing remark he wished he’d said, and every scathing remark he imagined Alec was getting ready to say to him. God, what he wouldn’t give to turn back time. The only hard decision would be how far back he should go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is a lyric from YUNGBLUD - California.
> 
> Don't be too mad at me! WHAT DOESN'T KILL THEM WILL ONLY MAKE THEM STRONGER!
> 
> I hope you and your families are all safe and well. I promise you there is some happy content coming soon, I know how much we all need it. For me, it's important to explore the highs and lows of relationships. You know... realism and shit. But I want the boys to be happy in the end, so don't worry!


	27. and pull it out of my chest

Saturday, 18th January 2020. 14:53. 

“Because.” 

“Why?” 

“Because.” 

“Why?” 

“Because I don’t want to, Isabelle!” 

“Why not, Alexander?” 

“Oh for fu–” 

“Seriously, Alec,” Izzy interrupted, raising her hand to silence him. It was a testament to Alec’s respect for her that he was immediately quietened by that simple motion. It meant, this conversation is getting us nowhere, I have something better to say. It meant, shut up you’re being an idiot, and it meant, you’ve made a mess and now I’m going to help you fix it. Alec knew better than to throw that back in her face. “Come on, talk to me. Why don’t you want to call him?” 

To Alec’s horror, he could feel tears begin to simmer up and well, threatening to spill at a moment's notice. The last thing he wanted was so start sobbing in front of Izzy. Well, in front of anyone. It had been a hell of a day, and all he wanted was for it to end, to just ensconce himself in his duvet and wait for sleep to steal him away. Not yet though, he knew. That was wishful thinking. Alec still had some problem-solving to do, not to mention the fact that it wasn’t even three in the afternoon. Moving to get a glass of water seemed to be the easiest way to hide his emotion from Izzy until he got himself under control. To her credit, she hadn’t ridiculed him for his actions of the night before, not even slightly. He had a feeling that the teasing was yet to come, but he was grateful that she had postponed it to a time when he was more emotionally stable, if such a time ever came. 

Alec had kept his promise to Izzy and detailed the events leading up to the God-awful confrontation she and Catarina had witnessed. Well, most of the details. It wasn’t even that Alec was embarrassed about the night before. He was, of course, but he was more just... sad. Despite how mortifying their actions were in the cold, sober light of day, it was one of the last times that Alec had seen Magnus without an angry look on his face. Alec missed it, the feeling of not being hated by the person he had just confessed his love to. He hadn’t said that to Izzy though, he thought it sounded too pathetic, even for him. He had told her, dejectedly, about what he’d seen on Magnus’ phone; he had told her about his, upon reflection, misguided confession and Magnus’ response to it. Izzy’s answer had been exactly as expected, telling him that he was overreacting and one simple conversation could have sorted the whole thing, still could. It made Alec feel trapped in his own mistake. The solution was so simple, even his baby sister was spelling it out for him. 

Gripping tightly onto his glass, he turned back to face Izzy. “Because I don’t want to.” 

“Well, that’s insightful,” she drawled, rolling her eyes in typical Lightwood fashion. “I don’t want to. Couldn’t have guessed that. I mean, _why_ don’t you want to?” 

“I don’t know, Izzy. Too many reasons.” 

“I’ve got a hangover and nowhere to be. Name them.” 

“Okay, well, what if he doesn’t pick up? What if he picks and doesn’t want to talk to me? What if he can’t forgive me? Or what if I can’t forgive him?” 

“If he doesn’t pick up, you can try again. If he didn’t want to talk to you then he wouldn’t have picked up in the first place, and none of what’s happened here is unforgivable. Trust me, I know unforgiveable, and this isn’t it.” 

“I know, I know. I just, I’m pissed off, and I know that he is too and I...” Alec trailed off, hand hovering mid-air in a half-hearted motion never to be completed. “I’ve never been good with confrontation, and this is even worse than normal, because...” 

“Because?” Izzy prompted, gently. 

“You know why.” 

Izzy stared at him for a moment, searchingly, before appearing to find whatever it was that she was looking for. “Hand me your phone,” she ordered. 

“What? No. Why?” 

“Hand me your phone. I’m not going to call him, or text.” 

“What are you going to do?” 

“Just trust me, Alec,” she implored. 

It’s easy to ignore how attached the human race has become to the devices that contain so much of us, but Alec realised in that moment just how deep the connection went. Relinquishing his hold over the item in his hand was surprisingly difficult, but he trusted Izzy with his life, and that included his phone. 

“Fine,” he grumbled, holding it out for her like a parent sending their child off to their first day of nursery, utterly terrified and already midway through the five stages of grief. The next two minutes were exceedingly anxiety-inducing as Izzy tapped away at the screen with laser-like focus, bringing into question the numbness that he had previously believed himself to be feeling. Finally, she held it back out to him with an unreadable expression on her face. 

Tentatively, he read aloud what she had just spent two minutes drafting for him, “Hi Magnus, can we talk? I know things got a bit out of hand this morning and I really don’t want to leave it like this. There’s no pressure, but I’d really appreciate it if we could.” 

“It’s fool proof. You’re not grovelling, but you’re not demanding anything either,” she explained. “If he’s not ready to talk yet he doesn’t need to, but he knows that you are.” 

“It’s perfect, Izzy.” 

Smiling, she asked, “So, are you going to send it?” 

Alec’s only response was a groan. 

“Come on,” she coaxed, “like a plaster, just rip it off. 

“Iz, I’m not even wearing a plaster. This is an open fucking wound and I don’t think...” 

Knowing that there wasn’t going to be an end to that sentence, Izzy urged, “Okay, then put a fucking plaster on and rip it the fuck off. Get on with it, already.” 

“Why?” he challenged, arching his eyebrow. “Got somewhere better to be?” 

“Stop putting this off. You can’t avoid this forever. You work with the man, for God’s sake.” 

Visibly paling, Alec shook his head. “Don’t remind me,” he muttered, hitting the menacing little arrow before he could baulk. “Fine, it’s done.” 

“It’s done?” 

“Yep, it’s done,” he confirmed, before throwing his phone face down onto the couch and scrambling backwards away from it. “I can’t look, can’t look, can’t look.” 

“Oh, okay. Good.” 

“What? What do you mean good? Why are you saying it like that?” 

“No, nothing, no reason,” she said, then at Alec’s sceptical expression she clarified, “honestly, Alec! I just assumed that it would take you at least half an hour of dilly-dallying before you actually did it.” 

Picking up Alec’s phone from where it had landed, Izzy was surprised at what she saw flashing across the screen. 

I think that’s a good idea Alec. I’ll call you?  
_Received 15:04._

“Oh, this is great! He says he’s going to call you.” 

“What?” Alec snapped, pure horror beaming out of his wide open eyes. 

“This is good, Alec,” she calmed. “It means he’s ready to talk, and so are you. There’s no reason to let this one little thing ruin everything and I’m sure he knows that. So what if he’s not ready to say that he loves you? It’s not the end of the world,” she argued, thrusting his phone towards him with more enthusiasm than he could even imagine mustering. “This is Magnus, alright? The same Magnus you haven’t been able to shut up about for the past year of your life. The same Magnus that you’re completely besotted over, whether you like it or not. So just talk to him, okay?” 

Damn, she made one hell of a case. The crippling nerves filling every ounce of his body, weighing him down like lead, made him want to do nothing less than launch his phone out of the window and sprint for as long as he could in the opposite direction. But Lightwoods don’t run. They thumb their noses at cowardice and accept the consequences of their actions, whatever they may be. Alec had made a choice that morning, to hold onto his hurt and not even look in the direction of healing, and now he was going to accept the consequences. 

“What do I put?” 

“Just say yes please.” 

“No, I’m not saying please,” Alec said, petulantly. 

“Fine. Yes thanks, that would be great.” 

Mulling it over, Alec nodded. “Yeah, that’s good. Cheers.” 

Less than thirty seconds later, his phone was ringing. Strangely, he didn’t even hesitate before swiping to answer it. 

“Hey.” 

“Hello, Alec.” 

“Hi.” 

Unsurprisingly, the words weren’t flowing in the way he’d hoped, but not anticipated. It seemed that he was really going to have to try. Though, what else was he expecting? Relationships do take effort, after all, and it couldn’t be denied that this, between them, was a relationship of some sorts. The questionable part was, for how much longer?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmmm... I wonder what they're going to talk about...
> 
> Once again, don't hate me. What do you think is going to happen in the next chapter? Will their conflict be resolved, or is their pride going to get in the way of something so promising?
> 
> The title of this chapter is also from YUNGBLUD - California. Rip my heart up, and pull it out of my chest. What a fantastic lyric. I implore you, if you share my love of music, go give this song a listen! Hell, go give the whole album a listen... and the EP!
> 
> Until next time...


	28. one thing i think you should know

Saturday, 18th January 2020. 15:01.

Your heart will beat about 100,000 times in a day, on average. For Magnus, it felt as if his heart had just sped through its allotted beats for the day in about three seconds. Maybe that was a slight exaggeration, but now wasn’t the time to be rational or look at things through an accurate lens. The time for that had been around midday this morning, but he had instead allowed his mind to take him to the most extreme of scenarios, so why stop now? 

Hi Magnus, can we talk? I know things got a bit out of hand this morning and I really don’t want to leave it like this. There’s no pressure, but I’d really appreciate it if we could.  
_Received 15:01._

It was having a bucket of ice water thrown over his head, while at the same time racing over a bed of hot coals; painful, and all around confusing in the worst possible ways. It wasn’t fair that Alec had sent such a reasonable text. Not when Magnus still wanted to be mad at him. The only option was for Magnus to be just as reasonable in response. He couldn’t let Alec one up him with reason. Offering to call him seemed like the obvious option, but Alec’s exceedingly polite response only frustrated him even more. 

Yes thanks, that would be great.  
_Received 15:06._

Where were those manners this morning? Just get this over and done with Bane, he told himself. There’s nothing to be worry about, if he’s not treating you well then, he doesn’t deserve you. Simple. But it wasn’t that simple, because why, _why,_ hadn’t he just said it back? 

Alec answered on the second ring. “Uh, one sec,” Magnus heard, then some shuffling came from the other end before what sounded like a door shutting. “I owe you an apology Magnus.” 

Well, that wasn’t what he was expecting to hear. Shooting a raised eyebrow in Cat’s direction, he opened his mouth with every intention of words coming out before realising that none of what he’d wanted to say made any sense anymore. His poorly constructed plan had been to give Alec the cold shoulder until he caved and admitted what he surely must know to be true, that he’d been wrong. Alec’s decision to jump straight to that portion of the conversation left Magnus floundering, but Alec just kept talking. 

“I was a bit hurt, obviously, but I know that you don’t owe me, you know, that. I was just, I felt like you were confused as to why I was even saying it. You just looked, I don’t know. You looked at me like I was an idiot for even thinking that, nevermind saying it, and I just panicked, that maybe... that maybe I’ve... well it doesn’t matter. I don’t need to get into that, just, this isn’t the first time feelings haven’t been reciprocated and it made me feel like I'd gone and fucked it all up again. But I was being a dick, so I’m sorry. I hope you can forgive me.” 

“No.” 

“What?” 

“No, I don’t think I can.” 

The silence was somehow more deafening then every word they’d yelled at one another that very morning. 

“I’m kidding! Just kidding, Alexander!” Magnus blurted, almost not quickly enough. Bursting out into completely inappropriate laughter, he continued, “I’m sorry! I’m sorry, I’m just awful with adult conversations. Of course I can forgive you.” 

“Magnus, that was not funny,” Alec admonished weakly, though Magnus could hear a faint note of laughter in the younger man’s voice. 

Curling his legs up underneath him on the couch, Magnus continued, “I completely understand why you were upset. You told me you loved me and I just stared at you like an idiot, but I just wish you’d let me explain.” 

“I know, I know. I should have done. Just, I didn’t want to hear it,” Alec confessed. 

Magnus hesitated, then asked, “Do you want to hear it now?” 

“Probably not,” Alec joked, “but go ahead.” 

“I’m sorry too,” Magnus said. “I should have just said it back, not because I had to, but because I love you too. Of course I do. I’m just _really_ not a morning person, and I don’t do well with being told what to do. I felt like, by your reaction, you were almost demanding a confession from me, but I know that that’s not the case. Especially now. So I’m sorry I reacted so angrily, I should have just left earlier instead of fighting with you.” 

“Come on Magnus, I was impossible not to fight with.” 

“Well, it doesn’t matter now. We can put it all behind us. We were bound to have our first fight sometime, I guess we’ve just got it out of the way early,” Magnus laughed, trying to ease some light-heartedness back into this. 

“Yeah,” Alec said, pausing for a moment before adding, “I really am sorry, you know.” 

“I know, Alexander. Me too. You’re not going to worry about this, are you?” 

“No.” 

The uncertainty in the tone he heard was much too prominent for Magnus to move on from, so he waited. 

“I’m not worried, I’m just... I don’t know. I just feel a bit shit still.” 

“Well, we did have an awful lot to drink last night,” Magnus pointed out, but that wasn’t what Alec meant and he knew it. “What are your plans for today, Alexander?” 

“Um, other than apologising, I hadn’t really thought that far ahead. Why?” 

Catching Cat’s eye, he said, “We could do something? Cat’s still here, is Isabelle still with you?” 

“Yeah, she uh, she may have been helping me write those texts.” 

“I knew it!” Magnus exclaimed, launching his free hand high into the air. “I knew that was Isabelle. Well, I think you and I owe these two lovely ladies a thank you. How about we take them to dinner?” Cat’s eyes gleamed from across the room as she rubbed her fingers together in a way that meant, ‘Money.’ “Ah yes, and Cat is telling me now that it needs to be an expensive one. In all fairness, she’s probably right.” 

“That’s a great idea, Magnus. Have you got anywhere in mind?” 

“I know just the place. Do you and Izzy want to meet us here in, say, maybe an hour?” 

“Perfect.” 

“Perfect.” 

“Well, I’ll see you in an hour then?” 

“See you in an hour, Alexander.” 

Ending the call, he looked at Catarina and sighed. “Perfect.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is a lyric by Fleetwood Mac - Second Hand News.
> 
> I really, really, really hope you enjoyed this chapter. I'm so glad that's over and done with. I don't cope well with angst, even when I'm bloody writing it! For that reason, this chapter was written and uploaded in very quick succession so pretty please let me know if there are any glaring errors! Thank you <3


	29. feel no shame

Saturday, 18th January 2020. 15:13. 

Alec hadn’t been intending to apologise. Well clearly, he had, subconsciously. But, when he had picked up that phone, his mind had been blank. The only thought he had been able to form was, ‘God, haven’t I already embarrassed myself enough in front of Izzy this weekend?’ Picking himself up off the couch, he scuttled into his bedroom and shut the door behind him. The second that privacy had hit; he had been off. Honestly, he had no recollection of what he’d said to Magnus. The only thing he did remember was the velocity at which his heart had plunged at the word, “No,” only for Magnus to very quickly drop the leg that he had been tugging. Alec hadn’t realised quite how obscure Magnus’ sense of humour was, but it wasn’t a lesson he was going to forget anytime soon. 

Entering the living room, he was met with the sight of Izzy fast asleep on his couch, head lolling to the side where she appeared to have fallen asleep completely upright. Well, it was good to know that she hadn’t been eavesdropping on his conversation. Whipping out his phone, his immediate response was to snap a photo for Magnus. Positioning the camera so you couldn’t actually see her face, partly out of respect and partly to save his own skin in case Izzy ever got wind of what he’d done, he captured passing moment in time forever. 

We may have to postpone slightly... I’ll keep you updated x  
_Delivered 15:15._

He attached the photo of Izzy and hovered over the send button, before forcing himself not to overthink it. He could overthink as much as he liked once he’d sent it, but he was going to damn well send it. It wasn’t the first time he’d put a kiss on the end of a text to Magnus, but it was the first time he’d done it after they’d fought. Hell, it was the first time they’d even fought. It was entirely new to Alec. He’d never actually fought with anybody before this. None of his relationships had been long-lived enough. Not to mention that he certainly hadn’t been emotionally invested enough to bother. Nothing had ever seemed to matter that much before. If the person annoyed him, so what? It wasn’t surprising, it was just what they were like. That was what Alec had to accept if he wanted to be with them. It was called compromise, and Alec could be great at it when he wanted to be. But since Magnus and Alec had resolved their initial differences over... well, over a few drinks and a shag, he hadn’t found anything about the other man annoying. His expectations of the other man had become exceedingly high with time, without him even realising it, and up until their fight each interaction between them had held true to that. Casual frustration, not including tension of a different breed, was not something he was accustomed to with Magnus. He was glad that it seemed to be over, for now. 

Awww, that is utterly adorable Alexander! I’m glad to be back receiving kisses from you, my darling x  
_Received 15:16._

Alec grinned. It felt like he was mooring a battered and bruised sailboat back to shore after weeks and weeks of being thoroughly pounded out at sea, though it had only been a matter of hours. 

Get used to it x  
_Delivered 15:17._

He set about making himself a cup of coffee. Partially because he was tired after a late night, and partially because he was selfishly hoping that a bit of clattering around in the kitchen might just wake Izzy. It wasn’t fair, really. It wasn’t fair at all. Izzy had given him a strong push today towards a realisation that otherwise would likely have taken him days to reach. That realisation being, of course, that he was being an idiot. She had saved him and Magnus both from unnecessary amounts of pain, and this was how he repaid her. Definitely not winning himself a brother of the year award anytime soon, he banged a cupboard shut a little louder than was needed. He couldn’t justify it, not at all, but having to wait for Izzy to wake up in her own time before he could see Magnus was just unthinkable to him in that moment. 

Seconds later, a mumbled voice arose from the couch. 

“Iz?” 

“I think I fell asleep.” 

“Oh, sorry. I hadn’t realised,” Alec lied, not guiltily enough. “Do you want a coffee, now you’re awake?” 

“Mhmm, that’d be great,” she slurred, swallowing thickly before adding, “maybe some water too?” 

“Coming right up,” Alec chirped. 

“Well you’ve cheered up,” Izzy noted, a croak to her voice that would only lessen with water and time. “I’m gonna have to put a ban on you and Magnus fighting ever again. You were insufferable.” 

“Hey, we weren’t half as bad as you and that, what was his name again? Merlin?” 

“Don’t give me that shit Alec. It’s Meliorn and you know it. Besides, we weren’t half as bad as you guys!” she insisted. 

Alec scoffed. “You got kicked out of three restaurants because you couldn’t stop arguing with each other, then had the police turn up for a noise complaint and a concern of domestic violence, all in the same night.” 

“Yes, well. We were both passionate people, a little too much sometimes. But I never moped around like a kicked puppy because he took three whole minutes to reply to my texts, and I certainly never dragged him off in the middle of a games night to go fuck him in the bathroom.” 

Alec refused to acknowledge that last part. “Yeah, well, you were still worse.” 

“Not a chance.” 

“Yes you were.” 

“Fuck off.” 

“Hey! Language, Isabelle.” 

“Hey! Voyeurism, Alexander.” 

Now, Alec couldn’t help but blush at that. Determinedly, he faced her off and said, “It was my bathroom, not a public one, and I didn’t fuck him, Isabelle.” 

She held his stare for the longest moment, then cascaded into the most wonderful laughter he had heard in a long time. He and Izzy had always had a supportive relationship, but it hadn’t always been honest. Yes, she had been the first person he’d ever come out to, and he was pretty sure she’d known for a long time before he told her, but he hadn’t actually been able to say the words until he was seventeen. Though that wasn’t very old in the grand scheme of life, there had been a good few years in which he had known the truth about himself, but hadn’t been able to confide. Not in anyone, no, but also not in Izzy. Of course, she had been the most compassionate, rock solid support system he could ever have hoped for. But even then, he would never have been able to say that they had an honest relationship. Not honestly, anyway. Izzy was perfectly comfortable discussing her sex life out in the open, with her brothers, with her friends, with _strangers._ Alec had never felt that, never wanted that. His previous relationships had always been over and done with quickly, only ever having his heart broken once, and that wasn’t something he liked to dwell on. He had never felt the need to share anything about his relationships, especially not about his sex life. So, this, being teased about his overtly sexual behaviour, was oddly liberating. He was embarrassed, yes, but he wasn’t ashamed. It was an extremely important distinction, one that he hadn’t really been that in touch with before now. 

“Moron,” Izzy snorted, still in hysterics at the absurdity and somewhat surrealism of their conversation. 

“Hey, don’t be rude,” he admonished. 

“What, rude like you, sneaking off for a quick shag when you’ve got guests? I didn’t realise he was so _irresistible,_ ” she purred, in what Alec assumed was supposed to be a crude impersonation of Magnus. It appeared that he wasn’t going to escape the ridicule either. 

“We were going to take you out for dinner to say thank you, but I’m starting to change my mind now.” 

“Wait, we’re going out? How come you didn’t tell me this? I’m a right state, Alec. I slept in this, for God’s sake!” 

Not at all remorseful, Alec brushed her off. “You’re fine how you are Izzy. You look good.” 

“Alec, I always look good. I would look good even if I’d been wearing the same outfit for three days. It doesn’t make me feel any better,” she argued. 

“Okay, well, how about this? Just jump in the shower and grab one of my jumpers, you know, one of the ones without stains? That might make you feel a bit better?” he suggested. “Look, we don’t have to go at all if you don’t feel like it.” 

Considering his offer, she retorted, “Fine, but if I’m wearing one of your ugly jumpers, we’re not going anywhere nice. Closer to McDonalds than the Hilton.” 

Rolling his eyes, Alec said, “You realise that’s a hotel, right?” 

“Yes, of course. I was just meaning the vibe of the place, yanno?” 

“No, not really. Besides, you think I’m taking you to the Hilton? Come on, I don’t love you that much.” 

Jumping up from the couch, somehow still graceful as anything, she announced, “You’d die for me Alec. Now, I’m gonna go and raid your wardrobe.” Turning on her heels, she was out of there faster than he could offer her a fresh towel. 

“Iz,” he yelled after her, “there’s clean towels–” 

“In the cupboard, I know!” 

Of course she did. Surprisingly, Izzy ended up being ready before Alec. Cleverly, she had protected her hair from the spray of the shower, knowing that washing, drying and styling it was something she couldn’t commit to at that time especially without three quarters of the tools she would need for the job. Alec had mentally allocated Izzy twice as much time as it had taken her in the end, so he was left with half a mug of coffee in hand as she sprung through his door announcing, “I’m ready!” 

“Dammit.” 

Izzy frowned. “Why aren’t you ready? I expected you to be pacing holes in the floor by now.” 

“One min,” he mumbled around his mug, taking one last sip before stumbling over his own feet in an effort to make it to the bathroom in record time. He brushed his teeth, shoved shoes onto his feet and called, “Ready now!” Three seconds later, he followed it up with, “Come on, we don’t wanna keep them waiting.” 

“You don’t want to be kept waiting, more like. Mr. I-don’t-do-relationships,” she mocked. 

“For that, we’re not getting desert.” 

Though Alec would never admit it, he actually loved the teasing. Yes, he was loathe to the feeling of being embarrassed, it was his absolute least favourite emotion, but the fact that there was something to be teased about made his stomach do these little flips of joy that was worth all the pink stained cheeks in the world. By the time they made it to the restaurant – the Cosy Club, of course – Alec was positively buzzing with excitement. He was convinced that if you placed a finger anywhere on his skin, you’d be able to feel the pure energy just ricocheting through him. 

Hey, we’ve found a table at the back just next to the windows, near where we first sat. Izzy has already ordered a pitcher for the table. I didn’t even bother trying to stop her, but whether there’ll be any left when you get here is a different matter. See you soon x   
_Delivered 16:32._

Oh, your sister is my hero. Be there in two, my darling x  
_Received 16:32._

“They’re on their way.” 

“Were you telling him how much you disapprove of my... choices?” she asked, gesturing vaguely to the array of glasses covering the table. 

“No, not at all,” Alec lied, fully aware that she knew he was lying. “Hey, have you heard from Max at all?” 

“No, why? Is he okay?” 

“Yeah, I think so. He called me earlier, basically just taking the piss out of my hangover. It appears that I was rambling on to him about Magnus last night and he called asking how my _boyfriend_ was,” he said, almost perfectly imitating Max’s trademark snide. “I don’t actually remember calling him though.” 

“Does that surprise you? I have little to no recollection of anything that happened after that truth or dare game. Seriously, I was up for hours talking to Catarina. Not the slightest clue what I said. I was probably wittering on about all sorts of shit. I’m gonna have to buy her a drink to apologise.” 

“She was likely just as bad as you. Plus, she doesn’t seem like the kind of woman to sit there and let you drone on all night if she wasn’t interested,” Alec pointed out. 

“True, true,” Izzy agreed. She let out a sigh. “Oh Alec, I’m just so happy for you.” 

“Huh?” 

Izzy shook her head, a somewhat wistful gaze in her eyes. “You just... I can’t explain to you how much you deserve this. I always wanted this for you, but I couldn’t have predicted... he’s just so perfect for you. I love him, Alec.” 

Grinning, Alec replied, “Oi, back off. He’s mine.” 

Izzy tutted. “I’m serious, Alec. You’re gonna marry this guy, I know you are.” 

“Oh be quiet.” 

“I’m just sayi–” 

“No seriously, be quiet,” Alec interrupted, shooting a smile over her shoulder. “They’re here.” 

Izzy grinned. “So what? I can’t tell Magnus that I think you’re gon–” 

“Shhh!” Alec hissed. 

“You’re no fun,” Izzy said, still grinning from ear to ear. 

“Oh, he most certainly is, Isabelle,” Magnus assured, seating himself next to Alec with a mischievous smirk. “It all depends on the context, you see. When we’re at work, no fun at all,” he complained. “But then you get a few drinks in him, and it’s a wonder that it’s even the same man.” 

“Or maybe that’s just you being a bad influence, Magnus,” Cat drawled. 

“Oh no, Cat. I don’t think so. I take next to no responsibility for our... _activities_ the other night. That was almost completely Alexander’s idea.” 

For the second time, less than two minutes into sitting down for dinner with Magnus in this restaurant, Alec was seeped in regret. There was absolutely no way he was going to survive this, not without becoming an honourary member of the tomato family. No way, absolutely not a chance. Though, it wasn’t the bad type of regret where tears brimmed your eyes and unease filled your entire chest. It was more of a, ‘Fuck it,’ moment, an acceptance that he had absolutely no control over the amount of anxiety and embarrassment he was going to subject himself to that night, but he couldn’t bring himself to want to be anywhere else. Not even a little bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is a lyric from Oasis - Hello.
> 
> I've been almost as excited about these last few chapters as I was when I first started posting this series. It's not that I fell out of love with it, not at all, I just went though a period of struggling to write because I was so busy and so tired. But now, I'm still super busy and tired, but I feel a little more energised than I have in a while. Maybe because I don't have to start work until 9:30 now so I have time to exercise / go for a run in the mornings. Or maybe because working from home is simply less taxing than being in the outside world, I don't know. Either way, I am truly devastated about everything that is happening in the world right now, but I'm utterly determined to use this time in a productive way and not let myself sink as low as I know I have the potential to.
> 
> I hope that each update provides even a few minutes of distraction for everybody reading this. I do always try and post as frequently as I can, but maybe I can challenge myself to update once a day for a week or so, or something. I'm not sure, I'll think on it. But anyway, I'm rambling. I hope everyone reading this and their loves ones are safe and as content as can be in the current climate.
> 
> Much love,  
> Ash <3


	30. the lengths that i will go to

Saturday, 18th January 2020. 14:38.

“If we’re being honest,” Cat said, talking entirely to Izzy as she corrected her earlier statement that her friend was a bad influence on Alec, “they’re both awful influences on each other. The other day, I caught Magnus just starin–” 

“ _Cat_ arina!” Magnus admonished, raising his eyebrows in an extremely clear threat. “I have absolutely no idea how she was going to end that sentence, but I can guarantee that it was absolute cockamamie,” Magnus declared. 

Izzy grinned. It was evident that either Cat had already told her the end to that sentence, or she had every intention of doing so as soon as they were out of earshot. Personally, Alec wasn’t too bothered. He didn’t want to think too much about what Cat had been going to say. Alec, after much persuasion, had finally admitted to himself that he did sometimes have a tendency to overthink things. So, the best thing to do was just not think about it at all. 

“Arthur!” Magnus greeted a little too loudly as the man approached. “I am so glad you’re working today. This place just isn’t the same without you, darling.” 

“Why thank you, Magnus,” Arthur said. He glanced at Alec but found none of the envy that he was clearly scanning for. Magnus was a natural flirt, easily enamouring every room he strolled into. There was nothing about Magnus that Alec wanted to quash, especially not his ability to charm every bird from every tree without a second thought. He was his own man and Alec had no desire to make him less of that. So, if he wanted to call every person in this place darling, so be it. The important thing wasn’t what he said, it was what he did. Magnus wasn’t going to go home with anybody except Alec, or maybe Catarina. The brush of Magnus’ hand against Alec’s under the table only served to prove his point. 

Ordering food wasn’t difficult at all. They had all been here before and were familiar with the menu, probably overly so. It wasn’t until the food arrived that Alec realised his hand was still gripping onto Magnus’ over his knee. He had no recollection of who had held onto who but, either way, neither of them had made any move to let go. Though, now, it had become a necessity. When there’s a will there’s a way, but Alec didn’t want to try even picking up his Impossible burger with only one hand. With one last squeeze, he released his hold on Magnus in favour of his food, and his pride. If Izzy knew he’d been holding hands under the table for the better part of half an hour, she’d be too ecstatic to ever let him live that down. 

The majority of their meal progressed in silence, with each of their slight hangovers making them easily prioritise food over conversation. It wasn’t until they were all mostly all just scraping their plates clean that Cat excused herself for the bathroom. 

Without hesitation, Izzy said, “Oh, I’m coming. Wait for me.” 

It had been no time at all since they’d met, but those two were already fast approaching inseparable. Or perhaps, Izzy just wanted to hear the end of that sentence. 

Alec lasted less than three seconds before he cracked. “So–” 

“No.” 

“What? You don’t even know–” 

“I know exactly what you’re going to say, and the answer is no.” 

“Oh come on. It can’t be that bad,” Alec whined, casting his eye to the couple two tables over, the closest people to them in the restaurant. “You realise that everything I’m imagining is probably four times as bad as the real thing.” 

“Why, what are you imagining?” Magnus whispered, batting his eyelashes in a way that was designed entirely to be comical, but somehow ended up being seductive. In a way, everything Magnus did was seductive to Alec, whether intentional or not. He was, and he could admit, completely besotted with the man. 

Blushing, Alec wondered how on earth Magnus had managed to flip this around on him. It was Magnus that was supposed to be embarrassed right now, not him. In an attempt to feign the confidence that he so often saw on Magnus, Alec smirked. “You don’t want to know. Just tell me, darling,” he commanded. He put his best effort into not stammering over that last word and was over the moon when the murmur came out as smoothly as he had hoped, for once. Maybe Magnus was rubbing off on him. He was learning from the best, after all. 

Magnus let out a long breath, a little shaky if Alec did say so himself. “Fine, _sweetheart_ ,” he purred, clearly recovering quickly. “I was reading our old texts. Happy?” 

Grinning, Alec replied, “Yeah, almost.” In his element, Alec was so accustomed to being on the backfoot that he had never even spared a thought to how much he would adore getting to switch those roles. Forcing a causal tone, he asked, “Which um, which texts were they, Magnus?” 

“Old ones, Alec,” Magnus said, forcing a smile. “Now, should we–” 

“Yes, you said that. I was just wondering which ones they were, exactly. I mean–” 

“Enough, now,” Magnus interrupted, genuine laughter rumbling over his words. “Come on, let it go.” 

Beaming, Alec concurred. “Fine, fine. It doesn’t matter anyway,” he said, utterly more satisfied with himself than he had any right to be. 

“Don’t be so smug. There’ll be a time when you’re caught being equally as pathetic and lovesick, and I won’t hold back ridiculing you for that,” Magnus warned. 

“Here they come,” Alec said, smiling to himself at the sight of the girls emerging from the bathroom together. “You know Cat will have told Izzy, right?” 

“Yes, I am fully aware,” Magnus sighed. Before Alec could register what was happening, Magnus leaned in close, paused for a moment, then pulled away. With the girls less than three metres from the table, in clear earshot, Magnus announced, “No, Alec! I will not go and have sex with you in the bathroom!” 

“What?” Alec demanded. 

“Come on, Alec. It was bad enough at your place when your family was round, this is in public!” Magnus complained, his voice as loud as it could be while still maintaining some amount of plausible deniability that this wasn’t entirely intentional. Alec couldn’t look anywhere except right down at the table, easily seeing in his peripherals that the couple nearest to them were both gaping across at them, open mouthed. He couldn’t bear to think about who else was also staring at them, at him. 

Cat sauntered up to them with a poorly disguised smirk on her face, while Izzy was positively cackling with joy as she bounded over. “Magnus, you nutter,” she exclaimed, a combination of shock, awe and pride all scattered around on her face. 

Turning to Alec, still glaring viciously at the table, Magnus dared to lean in close and press a kiss to his wildly fluorescent cheek. “Oh and look at that. I didn’t even have to wait to embarrass you, the opportunity just presented itself.” 

Alec shook his head. “I’ll get you back for that,” he promised. 

“Oh, I would love you to.” 

It wasn’t until Arthur approached to offer them the dessert menu, that Izzy managed to reign in her raucous laughter. “I don’t know about these lot, but I personally couldn’t manage another bite.” 

Cat nodded her assent, while Magnus couldn’t resist another opportunity to embarrass Alec. “Well, I would absolutely love dessert, but I just can’t seem to find what I want on the menu,” he said, not looking away from the side of Alec’s downturned face for a second. It was a testament to how familiar Arthur was with Magnus that he didn’t even react. 

“Well, nevermind. Maybe next time,” he chirped. 

“Oh, I hope so.” 

To his credit, Arthur did look a little guilty for having unintentionally set Magnus up for yet another joke on Alec’s behalf. Not guilty enough to fully diminish his smirk, though. Upbeat as ever, he said, “Okay then, wonderful. I’ll just go and get the bill.” 

Thankfully, Alec managed to escape the rest of the interactions unscathed. The second they were out on the street, he turned to Magnus in horror. “What the fuck was that?” Behind them, Izzy and Catarina howled with uncontrollable laughter that they weren’t even trying to control. 

“What the fuck was what, darling?” 

The picture of innocence, Magnus was not. Alec truly wished he could be angry, but not even an ounce of him was. “I can’t believe you,” he said, shaking his head as if to rid himself of memories from only moments before. 

Slightly unsure, Magnus asked, “Too much?” 

“Yes, too sodding much, Magnus,” he said, but joining in with the girls’ laughter nonetheless. 

“Sorry,” Magnus said, lacing his fingers in with Alec’s. 

“Yeah, you should be,” Alec scolded, though it was a half-hearted attempt at best. 

Stumbling down the street with little to no aim or coordination before six in the afternoon, it probably looked as if the four of them had been out for some extremely early pre-drinks. Not that it mattered what they looked like. There was no embarrassment that could ever come close to what Alec had just felt in that restaurant, he was sure. It wasn’t until Izzy answered her phone with, “Hey, Max. You alright?” that Alec started to pay the remotest bit of attention to what was going on around him. Catching her eye, he sent her a questioning look. Returning it with an equally confused shrug of her own, she said, “Here, he wants to talk to you.” Holding her phone out to Alec, she explained, “He apparently called you first. Couldn’t get through.” 

Damn. His phone must have died. “Hey, Max,” he said, a pang of regret shooting through him. “Sorry I didn’t text you back buddy. Is everything okay? Hey, wait, slow down. You’re what?” The confusion on Alec’s face morphed into humour pretty quickly. “Come on, Max. Don’t give me that. I’m assuming you’ve fallen out with mum and dad?” Slowly, the smile on his face drooped, tensing into a frown then finally jumping open into a gape. “Max, you can’t... look I know you’re annoyed... that’s not how it works, Max!” 

“What’s he saying?” Izzy demanded. Alec just shook his head at her. 

“Be sensible, Max. I know what they’re like, but you can’t just... well, what about school?” 

Picking up only Alec’s half of the conversation was clearly frustrating Isabelle. “What is he saying, Alec?” she demanded again, louder this time. 

Ignoring her, he continued trying to reason with his younger brother. “Look, you can come and stay next weekend, give you a bit of a break. How does that sound?” There was a few second pause before Alec blurted out, “You can’t live with me Max!” Pointedly avoiding Izzy’s wild gestures that could have meant anything to anybody, he continued, “Because, you’re not a legal adult for a start. No, let me finish, Max. You’re sixteen, you have two years of school left, all your friends are out there, and I live in a one-bedroom apartment. Not to mention, mum and dad would follow you up here and... well you have to care, Max! Max... Max?” Pulling the phone away from his ear, he glanced at the screen to find that he was shouting at nobody. 

Dazedly, he finally looked up at Izzy. “What the fuck was that?” she asked. 

Alec shook his head. “I have absolutely no idea.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is a lyric from REM - Losing My Religion.
> 
> It's almost midnight and I'm a little bit exhausted so I hugely apologise if there are any errors in this. I will properly proofread it tomorrow morning when my eyes are less tired. I always seem to become productive at around eight pm, which isn't always conducive to a good night's sleep, but I'm completely okay with that. I must admit, I always feel unacceptably conceited whenever I say this but, I absolutely love this chapter! No, scratch that, I _fucking_ love this chapter. 
> 
> See, told you. Conceited. Or maybe just a little tired and delirious. So, with that, good night. Or good morning, if you're on the other side of the world as I suspect some of you are.


	31. but be advised, no restitution comes tonight

Saturday, 18th January 2020. 16:32.

Their footsteps hit the ground in synchronicity, Alec and Izzy marching a few beats ahead of Cat and Magnus. 

“What _exactly_ did he say?” 

“I’ve just told you, Izzy.” 

“No, you said, ‘Something along the lines of never wanting to talk to them ever again.’ That’s not exact, that’s something along the lines of.” 

“Okay, well that’s exactly what he said then.” 

“Why?” 

“If he’d said, I would have told you already,” Alec barked. Stopping dead in his tracks, suddenly enough that Magnus was less than an inch away from bumping into him, Alec turned to face his sister. “Sorry,” he said, letting out a pained exhale before continuing, “I’m just stressed. Don’t let me take it out on you.” 

“Oh, I won’t,” Izzy assured. “Look, we’re overreacting. He’s probably just fallen out with them and needed to vent. Go home and call him back, he’ll have calmed down by now.” 

“He sounded pretty sure of himself, Iz.” 

“I’m sure he did. Let’s see him put his money where his mouth is. Now, I’m gonna go home. Call me when you’ve spoken to him okay?” 

Alec nodded, reaching out to bring her into a hug. “Yeah, course I will.” 

Pulling back, Izzy smiled at Cat and Magnus. “Well, I’m sorry to cut this short, but I feel as if I haven’t slept in a week. It’s been lovely seeing you both!” 

“Which way are you going?” Cat asked. 

“Up there, turn left and keep walking.” 

“I can go that way. I’ll walk with you?” 

“Brilliant,” Izzy beamed. 

While Cat and Magnus said their goodbyes, Izzy turned to Alec and sent him a sympathetic smile. “I know you feel responsible for us all, but you’re not. We’re in this together.” 

He nodded. “I know, don’t worry. It’s gonna be fine.” 

“It was lovely to see you again, Alec. I hope it all works out okay with your brother,” Cat said. 

“Thanks, you too,” Alec replied. 

“See you later girls,” Magnus called after them, turning to Alec with a slightly tentative smile. “You okay?” 

“Not really,” Alec admitted, intentionally keeping his tone as light as he could manage. “I’m sure everything will be fine, I’m just a bit worried about him. I’ve always felt bad that, well, since Max is so much younger than the rest of us... it’s always felt like... like we ditched him there, you know. We managed to escape, relatively intact, all at a similar time, and now we have our own lives,” Alec explained, continuing to walk in the direction of his apartment. “Max had to adjust to being there completely alone, and he’s never once complained about it, but I know that he struggles sometimes.” 

“I imagine that he does, Alexander, but I’m sure that everything you and your siblings do for him does help. Even if it doesn’t feel like enough to you.” 

“I hope so,” he confessed, halting his fast-paced strides to look Magnus in the eye. “Do you want to come back to mine, or just head home?” 

Magnus reached out, placing his hands gently on Alec’s strictly folded arms. “Alexander, as much as I would love to, I think you need to go home and call your brother. Wouldn’t you agree?” 

“Yeah, well, you can still come anyway,” Alec pointed out, a cheeky yet hopeful smile on his face that told Magnus he was only half joking. 

“There’ll be better times, Alec. You go and talk to your brother, and text me later, okay?” 

Alec nodded, his eyes flicking down to Magnus’ lips before coming back to rest on his eyes. “Course I will. I might even call you, if you’re lucky.” 

“Hey, you, don’t get cocky,” Magnus warned, though his grin removed any sting from his words. Lifting himself only slightly onto his tiptoes, something he would adamantly deny doing, he softly pressed his comfort into Alec’s lips. Though words could be life-changing, they weren’t always necessary and in that moment, a goodbye kiss was all Alec needed to know that he wasn’t alone. He made it home in fifteen minutes, a speedy feat at the best of times but even more impressive with a hangover. Like he always did, Alec let himself in through the back entrance of the complex and threaded his way through the private car park. It was never too busy for him to cut through, and it shaved an extra two minutes off his journey. He almost missed it, in his haste to get up the stairs and on the phone to Max, but it caught his eye at the last second. There, sitting on the cold, questionably clean concrete with his back pressed up against the glass door of the front entrance, was the exact member of the Lightwood family who he was in such a rush to talk to. 

Blinking, Alec’s first thought was that his eyes were deceiving him. But, no, that was Max Lightwood on the doorstep of his apartment building. Hesitantly, he approached the door with every intention of pressing the bright green button that would let him push open the doors onto Max. Gently, of course, so as to not topple him down the stairs that he was lounging his legs over. Instead, he was struck with a slightly crueller idea of how to approach the situation. Pulling his phone from his pocket, he opened up his messages and tapped the little button that would set Max’s phone ringing. 

Unsurprisingly, the first call was declined. Trying again, he watched as Max picked up on the fourth ring. “Hey, Alec,” he said, clearly unsettled. 

“Hi, Max. Where are you?” 

“Uh, sorry, you cut out there. Um, Alec, about what I said earlier, I really meant it, you know. I can’t live there anymore, you don’t understand–” 

“Oh, I understand. Trust me, Max, I get it. But it doesn’t mean you get to just uproot your entire life, it’s not that simple,” he explained, voice surprisingly calm. “Now, I want you to promise me that you’re not going to do anything rash.” 

“Um, just to clarify, what counts as rash to you?” 

“I don’t know, maybe turning up on my brother's doorstep with nothing but a half-empty ruck sack and a pair of headphones.” 

Jolting to his feet, there was a split second when Alec thought he was going to topple over with shock. Eyes wide, he opened and closed his mouth at least four times before finally making any noise. The resulting words were somewhat squeaky, with resounding panic flitting all over his face. “I didn’t, I have um... I brought two bags, actually.” 

Alec just stared, miles and miles out of his depth here. Shaking his head, he disconnected the call and finally moved to let Max in. He held the door open while Max gathered his bags together. He had actually brought two, one of which was a medium sized sports bag that looked as if it could carry enough clothes for a week-long trip. In any usual context, Alec would have instinctively grabbed the larger bag from Max to carry it for him, but that felt too much like being an accomplice. 

“What... what?” Alec asked, no other words making themselves available for use. 

“I’ve moved out,” Max declared, straightening up and looking his older brother in the eye. He was taller than Alec remembered. “I’m hoping you’ll let me stay with you.” 

“Right, and what if I don’t?” 

Max’s resolve crumpled slightly, but his voice was steady as he said, “Well, I hadn’t thought that far ahead. I kind of assumed you’d have me, but if not then I’ll think of something else. I don’t know, but I’m not going back there. Not ever, Alec.” 

This wasn’t going to be as straightforward as he’d envisioned. “Okay, Max, okay. We'll figure this out, alright? But first, I need a coffee.” 

They ascended the stairs in silence, entering Alec’s apartment in the same fashion. The first thing Max did upon entering was take his shoes off, though Alec wasn’t naïve to the fact that he was probably just trying to prove what a respectful roommate he would make. “Want one?” Alec asked as they waited for the kettle to boil. “Have you started drinking coffee yet?” 

Max frowned. “I’m sixteen, Alec.” 

“That doesn’t answer my question.” 

“Yes, I drink coffee. You can even throw in a bit of whiskey, if you like.” 

“Don’t push your luck,” Alec warned, displaying the toughest expression he could manage with his younger siblings. “I know you drink coffee, what I meant was have you started making them properly yet? Cos me and Izzy used to give you about three granules whenever you stayed with us.” 

In answer to Alec’s question, Max stomped up to the counter, grabbed the jar of instant coffee and spooned a toppling heap into his mug. Wordlessly, he handed it back over to Alec before proceeding to make one of the most violent cups of coffee Alec had ever seen. It was a wonder the whole thing didn’t end up on the counter with the ferocity at which he was stirring it. Alec waited until he’d finished before making his own and settling on the couch opposite. 

Max didn’t even wait for him to ask the question. “They talk about me like a commodity,” he said, for the first time not looking Alec in the eye while he spoke. “I don’t think they even see me as a son, more like an heir to their self-proclaimed throne. I don’t want to take over their stupid law firm, I don’t want to be a heartless, corrupt, hypocritical cog in the machine of capitalism and not giving a damn about anyone but wealthy people,” he reeled off, barely pausing for a breath. “It’s like I’m an asset to them, and a subpar one at that. I’m just done with it. I can’t even breathe when I’m around them, and I’m fed up of them trying to turn me into them. I want to be a chef. Or a personal trainer, or an artist, or famous, I don’t know! I don’t know what I want to be, I’m sixteen for fuck’s sak–” 

“Max! Language!” 

“Oh, like you don’t swear?” 

“That’s besides the point.” 

“Why? Why is it so bad?” he challenged, finally looking Alec in the eye. “It's just a word.” 

“Yeah, I know. I’m just not used to hearing it from my baby brother,” he sighed, shaking his head in disbelief. The entire situation was completely unreal, and he had no idea how every semblance of control had slipped out of his grasp in such an immediate, and seemingly irreversible, way. 

“Alec, I’m sorry I didn’t ask you. I just thought you’d say no.” 

“Yeah, well, I might have don– ohh fuck.” 

“What?” 

“Mum’s calling.” 

“Oh shit.” 

“Oh shit, indeed.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is a lyric by I DON'T KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME - Social Climb.
> 
> I'm trying to stick to my own rule of one chapter a day for a week... watch me fail tomorrow though haha.


	32. it's alright, we'll survive

Saturday, 18th January 2020. 20:12. 

It wasn’t going anywhere. It was probably the least productive conversation Alec had ever had with Maryse Lightwood, and that was saying something. They had once spent three hours going back and forth about whether he should be allowed to spend his summer volunteering with a registered charity that put on activities for disabled children and young people. The aim was to give them chances to have fun and meet new people while simultaneously providing respite for their families. He’d been fifteen years old when he’d seen the position advertised in the local paper and had immediately wanted to put himself forward. It was a chance to do something good, something just for himself. Maybe he’d meet some like-minded people, maybe he’d learn a bit about himself, or maybe he’d just hate it. Either way, it would look brilliant on any future job applications and it was in walking distance from his house. It was a fantastic opportunity with absolutely no downsides to it other than, of course, the fact that his parents wouldn’t be able to keep an eye on his every move. Perhaps it was the lack of control that they would experience while he was spending hours and hours out of their company, with no way of them knowing what he was getting up to, or perhaps it was just the frustration that came with him choosing to do something for himself. He would have bet an entire month’s future wages that if his dad had seen the advert before him and suggested that Alec go for it, Maryse would have been over the moon. But, as it was, she couldn’t stand him taking a single step towards independence, no matter how small. 

Back then, it had taken three hours, give or take, before Alec had finally cracked. “Fine. I want to do this, but if you say no then I’ll respect that,” he’d said, tone a lot less calm than his words would imply as he’d spun on his heel and made a beeline for the door. He remembered it so distinctly, what had happened just before he’d left. Furiously, he’d turned to face her and said, “One day, you will have no control over me whatsoever. Legally or otherwise and if anything, maybe you should think about starting to prepare for that, mother.” 

Whether it was his parting sentiment that had gotten through, or that his dad had managed to talk some sense into her overnight, Alec didn’t know. But Maryse had eventually conceded, begrudgingly giving Alec her blessing the next morning over breakfast. The difference here, though, was that a voluntary job over the summer and moving across the country to live with your older brother were two huge leaps apart and somehow, Alec had a feeling that this was going to take more than a three-hour argument and Maryse stewing overnight before it was in any way resolved. Either way, that three-hour mark was nearing, and Alec was beginning to crack. 

“Look, I don’t know, okay? I’ve barely even spoken to him, let’s all just go and calm down for a bit and I’ll call you ba–” 

Max watched sympathetically as Alec was cut off, again. He wondered how Alec had been envisioning spending his evening before he’d spotted his little brother perched on the front steps of his building, and it likely had zero similarities to how it had actually turned out. 

“Mum, just let me go and talk to him. I can’t answer any of your questions when I haven’t even spoken to him,” Alec said, maintaining a surface level of calmness but with enough exasperated head shakes that Max knew he was reaching the end of his limit. “Max, mum wants to talk to you. Do you want to speak to her at the moment?” Alec asked, for what must have been the seventeenth time that night. Max shook his head, as he had done every other time. 

“He doesn’t want to speak to you at the moment. Mum, I’m going to hang up the phone now and I’ll call you once I’ve spoken to Max,” Alec said, voice getting louder and louder as the sentence went on, probably in an attempt to be heard over Maryse’s incessant interruptions. The next thing out of his mouth though, was seemingly the result of pure frustration. “It’s his life, mum. You don’t own him!” Alec yelled, before pulling the phone a few inches away from his ear, pressing the fingers of his free hand into the sockets of his eyes and taking a deep breath. It was clear that he wasn’t at all listening to what was being said on the other end of the line. 

Once the noise had stopped, Alec put the phone back up to his ear and said, “Mum, respectfully, I’m going to put the phone down now. I’ll call you back once I’ve spoken to Max, probably tomorrow morning because I’m quite tired now.” Over the top of her continued attempts to get him to shove the phone in Max’s face despite him clearly needing some time and space, Alec added, “Goodbye mum,” before ending the call. 

“You alright?” Max asked. 

“Mhmm,” Alec nodded, “you?” 

“Yep, better than ever,” he chirped. 

Alec didn’t smile. “Why on earth did I pick up that phone?” 

“Because she would have just kept calling if you hadn’t.” 

“Has she been calling you?” 

“No,” Max admitted. 

“Why not? Did you tell her you were leaving?” Alec demanded. 

“Because she doesn’t value a single thing I have to say,” Max explained, voice mocking but with a real tinge of pain to it, before continuing, “and no. Well, kinda. I left a note saying that I was coming to yours,” he said, letting out the smallest cringe at Alec’s raised eyebrows. Quickly he added, “I also wrote not to be mad because I hadn’t even told you about it yet and that I would see them in two years when they can’t tell me what to do anymore.” The last part of his sentence was delivered adamantly, but with an inability to disguise his sheepish expression. He absolutely knew what Alec would say, that his display of insubordination as their parents liked to call it would only have worsened the situation, along with their anger, and he also knew that Alec was right. But, in his defence, he simply did not care. 

Alec just wanted to go to bed. More than anything else, he wanted to close his eyes and wake up to find that this had all been a cruel concoction of his own imagination. The knowledge that this was highly unlikely to have been a dream, as well as the thought of sitting down to text Izzy an update even though he barely understood what had happened himself, was intolerable. “You know what I’m going to say, don’t you?” 

“That I don’t help myself?” 

“Yep,” Alec confirmed, popping the last letter with uncharacteristic animation. 

Max flinched, just a little. “I’m sorry for dragging you into this, Alec,” he confessed, apology written into the frown lines working their way into his much-too-young-for-wrinkles forehead. “Seriously, I’m sorry. I just can’t do it anymore. I’ve looked into all this and it’s completely possible. You can become my legal guardian; you’d get financial support for it so you wouldn’t go completely broke,” he babbled, words almost jumbling over one another in their haste to be heard. “I can transfer to a school round here and graduate no problem. I’m even gonna get a job. I’ve already applied for two.” 

“You’ve applied for jobs?” Alec asked, incredulous not even beginning to cover his expression. 

“I have an interview on Monday,” Max admitted, appearing more embarrassed about this than he had about his decision to sleep on Alec’s couch for the next two years. Pre-empting Alec’s next question, he said, “It’s in a café, as a waiter. Minimum wage, but it’s walking distance and it’s not like I’ll get paid anything else for a first job at sixteen,” he said, talking at a whole new rate of knots. 

“Woah, Max, slow down. I don’t think it’s a bad idea,” he assured, before realising the implications of those words and immediately correcting himself. “I mean, that’s not me giving the green light on this whole thing, just, getting a job doesn’t seem to be the most drastic decision you’ve made here,” he pointed out. “You’ve really committed to this, haven’t you?” 

It was intended as a rhetorical question, but Max answered anyway. “I’m not going back there Alec. Certainly not until I’m eighteen, maybe not ever.” 

Max didn’t even need to say it, Alec already knew. He could only too accurately recall every single year of his life that he had lived with Robert and Maryse Lightwood, and he didn’t need a single explanation as to why anybody would need to escape it. Alec had no illusions about his parents. He knew of the inhumane acts of violence, both physical and otherwise, that humans could inflict upon one another. He was fully aware that there were some parents out there that were simply unfit for the job. Because it was a job, parenthood. There’s no way around it, parenting is a full time, lifelong commitment that you can never afford to shy away from, not for a moment. Yet some individuals took that job and used it to harm people, destroy families and ruin lives. There were some acts that couldn’t ever be digested by a healthy human brain and could never be understood in any way except for, ‘How?’ 

Alec was under no false pretence that his parents were bad people, they weren’t. They were just bad parents. It wasn’t necessarily their fault; they just weren’t designed to raise and model other human beings. Their need for control was too intrinsically linked to everything that they thought and said and did, and they were unable to fulfil one of the main roles of a parent – to prepare their children for the real world. Instead, they had prepared them for their own version of the world that involved exactly what they wanted it to and nothing else. They’d taught Alec and Izzy how to read by giving them historical manuscripts, case reviews, entire pieces of legislation and job descriptions, to name a few. They’d dressed them up in suits and ties for Halloween. They volunteered to help at every school careers fair, only to then expect Alec to spend all of his time helping them to lecture uncaring preteens, his own classmates, instead of giving him a chance to decide what other stalls he might like to look at. Instead of giving him a chance to decide for himself what he might like to do with the rest of his life. 

Alec sighed, standing up and making his way to the kitchen. “Trust me, Maxie, I know what they’re like,” he said, opening the fridge and reaching for a can of Heineken. “Let’s figure this all out in the morning, okay? I’m just too tired to think straight right now. Plus, I haven’t seen my little brother in way too long and I’d really like a good old catch up,” he said, smiling as he brought down two glasses from the cupboard. “Now, since I believe that restriction only leads to rebellion and it’s better to try new things in the company of people you’re safe with, do you want a shandy?” 

“Really? _You’re_ offering me beer?” 

“Hey, keep that up and I’ll take the offer off the table,” Alec warned, but his grin gave away his insincerity. 

“Does it have to be shandy? Can’t I just drink the beer?” 

Alec smirked. “Sure, if you can drink it and honestly tell me that you don’t hate the taste.” 

He cracked the can and passed it over to Max, waiting to see his brother’s best attempt at disguising the cringe of disgust that was sure to follow. It had taken Alec a good few years of dipping his toe in the water before he had been able to say, with complete transparency, that he enjoyed drinking beer. Alec could tell the second the drink drenched Max's taste buds, and he knew he hated it. Without saying a word, he held out his hand in expectance. 

“Fine,” Max huffed, refusing to look Alec in the eye. “Shandy it is, then.” 

Trying his hardest not to laugh as he mixed beer and lemonade in equal measure, Alec may have slipped up a few times. “I’m not laughing at you, Max, I promise. It’s just, I remember trying to convince people I liked the taste of beer and I can only imagine how bloody obvious I must have been,” he explained, still unable to contain his glee. 

“Thanks,” Max said as he accepted the drink. 

Gently, Alec clinked his own glass against the side of Max’s. “Cheers,” he said, taking a good long sip of his own. He’d made a shandy for himself too, not wanting Max to feel as if he was rubbing his own youth in his face. “It’s good to see you, Max,” Alec started, intent on moving them somewhere a little lighter in mood. He had absolutely no intention of returning his mother’s call at any point that night, and he knew that everybody involved, including his mother, were aware of that. “How’ve you been? You know, besides the obvious.” 

“Besides the obvious, there’s been nothing else. Just that, and them,” Max said, this time the distaste not for the drink in his hand. “Come on then, tell me about Magnus. You didn’t think I wasn’t going to ask, did you?” 

“One second, I’ve just got to text your sister. She was a bit worried about you earlier,” he explained, somewhat absently as he scrolled through his phone. “Then you can ask me whatever.” 

Max grinned. “Whatever? You’re gonna regret that one, big brother.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is a lyric from YUNGBLUD - Parents. I know I've already used this song before (hi, nice to meet ya) but I was listening to my one and only vinyl, Dom's the underrated youth EP, and the lyrics fit too damn perfectly for me to not use it. The next chapter title is the continuation of the same lyric, so we're really have a Dominic Harrison appreciation moment here.
> 
> Okay, so, I said that I wanted to upload everyday for a week and then proceeded to skip two days... but, in my defense! I had to pack and clean my entire apartment up (I've moved back in with my parents temporarily because of everything that's happening right now) so that was Sunday, and then as soon as I finished work on Monday my brother asked if I would cut his hair for him because there's no barbers open and that took forever because I've never done it before so went and watched some videos for research (not that many, I was mostly winging it). I was expecting a horror show but it actually turned out okay! I think I'll have to charge him next time...
> 
> But, anyway, long rambling story short, I really do want to upload every day for a week and I now have the next 8 days off work from a mixture of bank holidays and annual leave so perfect timing! This will count as my first one, so for the next six days you should be getting a chapter everyday! Hopefully! I'll try my best! I'm really excited about this so hopefully I can stick to it because I'm thinking it will also give me some purpose in this post-going-outside world in which it can be difficult not to just aimlessly wander through reality.


	33. cos parents ain't always right

Saturday, 18th January 2020. 20:44. 

“I retract my earlier comment. I wasn’t thinking straight,” Alec said, referring to his ill thought out offer that Max could ask him anything he wanted. 

“Yeah, I’m sure you weren’t,” Max said, proceeding to snort at his own joke. “Have you ever thought straight, Alec?” he asked, faux consideration littering his every feature. 

Two more years of this. Really? 

“Oh ha ha, very funny,” Alec deadpanned, not in the slightest bit offended but glaring nonetheless. “I’ll answer any questions you have that are within reason.” 

The vibration of his phone sent an irritated shiver through his entire body. Maryse was persistent, if nothing else. He had felt an ingrained guilt at telling her that he was going to hang up the phone, but it was what he’d needed to do. The conversation hadn’t been going anywhere, and Alec needed to be able to talk to Max before he could offer their mother any productive dialogue. Simply shouting at him down the phone wasn’t going to make it better. 

Reaching to decline the call, Alec was relieved to see Izzy’s name on his screen, for more than one reason. “Oh, Max, it’s Izzy,” he said, swiping across to answer. 

“You’re not getting away with it that easily,” Max muttered, almost halfway through his drink now. Alec himself was only a quarter of the way down, he wasn’t an adolescent with a point to prove. He wandered what Izzy’s reaction would be to Alec giving Max beer. She wouldn’t disagree with it, he knew, but she might be surprised that he didn’t. He had surprised himself, if he was being honest. 

“Hey, Izzy,” Alec greeted. 

“Alec! You can’t have been on the phone with him all that time, can you? I was waiting for you to call! Is he okay?” she asked, bombarding him with a need for answers that had clearly been building for the past three hours. 

“Um, well, there’s something I need to tell you,” Alec started, more unsure of himself than he had been when talking to Maryse. “So, I’ve not really had a chance to talk to Max yet–” 

“Not had a chance to talk to him?” she demanded, outrage pouring through the speaker. It was lucky that he’d kept the call volume low as there’s no way Max would have been able to keep his mouth shut at that point. 

“I’ll explain, Iz, I’ll explain,” Alec assured, trying to keep his hesitation to a minimum. “I need you to not overreact to this, because we haven’t really had a chance to talk it through yet but we’re gonna have a _sensible_ ,” he eyed Max pointedly, not letting his meaning go overlooked as he finished, “conversation about it in the morning.” 

Impatient, Izzy demanded, “Just tell me Alec, for fucks sake!” 

“Max is here.” 

“What?” she yelped. 

“He left home this morning and made his way to my place. He says he’s leaving home for good, but we’re gonna figure it all out in the morning,” Alec explained, too drained to go into any proper detail. “Here, I’ll pass you over to him.” 

Alec switched the call onto speaker phone and handed it over to Max, flopping back down onto the couch without a single ounce of grace. He couldn’t be certain, but he was relatively sure that he drifted off at some point. The background chatter lulled him, the odd phrase or word catching his attention and bringing a smile to his face. 

“You can deny it as much as you want, you don’t fool me Izzy.” 

“Maxie, as much as I love you, I am not taking relationship advice off a sixteen-year-old,” Izzy teased. 

“Well, at least this sixteen-year-old isn’t afraid to admit when he likes someone,” Max jibed, giving just as good as he got. 

“Well, you can believe whatever you want but you’re wrong,” Izzy said, stubbornness almost palpable. “I’m going to have to love you and leave you now, I want to be up and out for a run early tomorrow.” 

“Eww, exercise. Boring.” 

“Is Alec still there?” 

“I think he’s asleep– oh, no. He’s just opened his eyes,” Max narrated from his curled-up position on Alec’s living room floor. He was still wearing his tattered old jeans that had once been black, and a baggy grey jumper that made Alec understand what people meant when they ridiculed his wardrobe. Alec wandered if he’d even packed any pyjamas. 

“Here,” he croaked, groggily pulling himself into a sitting position and rubbing at his eyes. “I’m here, Iz,” he repeated a little louder. 

“Did you fall asleep?” 

“Nope,” Alec lied, not for any particular reason. “I was wide awake, just letting you guys catch up.” 

The phone almost dripped with sarcasm as Izzy replied, “Sure, Alec.” 

Max’s cheeky grin should have been irritating, but it made his chest leap with poorly contained affection. 

“I was just saying night, Alec. I’ll call you tomorrow,” Izzy said. 

“Yeah, sure thing. Night, Iz.” 

“Night!” Max said, much too enthused for almost the time of night. Alec couldn’t recall ever having had that amount of energy, not even at the age of sixteen. “So, now it’s your turn,” Max said, handing Alec’s phone back to him and clambering up onto the couch. “Tell me, what’s new in your life?” he questioned, clearly with one clear topic in mind. 

“Right, fine,” Alec sighed, resigned to his fate of relentless questioning about his relationship until Max was satisfied that he knew every detail worth knowing. “What do you want to know?” 

“Magnus, what’s he like?” 

Alec smiled. He hadn’t been expecting that, actually. He'd thought Max was going to lean towards the more outrageous questions first, but he was pleasantly surprised with the approach he’d chosen instead. “He’s special,” Alec answered, fully aware that no words he could say would ever do Magnus justice. “I can’t really describe him, he’s just... I don’t know. You'd have to meet him.” 

“That can be arranged,” Max promised, now almost to the bottom of his glass. “So, this is the same Magnus that you used to complain to us about for hours on end, right?” he asked, waiting for Alec’s moderately embarrassed nod before continuing. “Okay, so, how did that happen?” 

“Um, well, I’m not really sure actually,” Alec started, mind immediately cast back to that first night at the Christmas party. “We just, it was sort of accidental. We got to talking at the Christmas party, obviously a bit drunk, then just ended up... not hating one another. I guess, the more we put all that to the side, the more we realised that we actually liked each other,” Alec explained. He’d never had to describe what had happened to anybody before, apart from Izzy who had been getting updates in real time, and it was remarkable how little he understood of the situation. He couldn’t pinpoint the exact catalyst for change. He certainly couldn’t articulate what on earth had made him change his mind about Magnus, all he knew was that he was completely unable to imagine ever again hating the man that he had so easily fallen in love with. 

The smirk on Max’s face said it all. “You got to _talking,_ huh?” he asked, then moved onto his next question without pausing for an answer. It would appear that he didn’t actually need confirmation of what he already knew. Either Izzy had been talking to him more than she’d let on, or he was just incredibly perceptive. Or, there was always the third option that Alec was just painfully transparent. “So, you’re official then, are you?” 

Alec hesitated. “Uh, well, I don’t think we’ve ever actually talked about it,” he said, somewhat confused by his own confession. “I mean, we’ve talked about just letting things happen naturally, and I don’t think either of us are too bothered about labels and technicalities,” he said, trying to talk it through with himself just as much as Max. “So, no? But also yes at the same time?” 

Tutting, Max gave Alec a look that he usually reserved for people painstakingly tapping out a text message with only one finger in a display of understandable, yet rage-inducing incompetence. “You haven’t asked him to be your boyfriend yet? Come on, Alec,” he snarked, shaking his head in pure, unadulterated judgement. “That’s poor behaviour, that is.” 

“What? Why?” Alec questioned, voice steadily increasing in pitch as he spoke. 

“Well, you’re clearly obsessed with the guy. But you _don’t want to put a label on it?”_ he mocked, draining the remnants of his drink. “What’s that about?” 

“I’m regretting giving you that now,” Alec remarked, taking a gulp from his own glass. “Have you got any more questions or can we be done with this now?” 

“One more,” Max said, pausing in a clear attempt to build anticipation. “Do you love him?” 

The only hesitance Alec experienced was the realness that he knew a confession like that would bring. It had almost destroyed him the last time he’d dabbled in it and opening himself up to that reality again was hugely anxiety-inducing. It was one thing whispering it to Magnus deep into the throes of a hangover, but it was another realm of vulnerability entirely to announce his love for Magnus to his entire family. Because he knew that if Max knew then Izzy would know, and if Izzy knew then Jace would know, and if Jace knew then Clary would know and if Clary knew then Simon would know. It was scary, but more than that, it was exhilarating. In the end, his excitement won. “Yes. I love him.” 

“I knew it! Have you told him yet?” 

“No more questions.” 

“No! You said I could ask–” 

“Do you want another drink?” 

Alec knew that Max’s instinct to wheedle out every piece of information that he believed he had a right to know would be easily overridden by his desire to venture into adulthood in any way that he could. Though he probably shouldn’t be offering his underage brother alcohol simply to avoid being questioned about his love life, there were worse things he could do. He was already out of his seat before Max had finished ferociously nodding his head in confirmation. 

“Great, okay. Go slower with this one,” he advised, splitting the can equally between the two glasses and filling each with lemonade. “Let’s just relax, alright? Just the two of us?” Alec asked, almost pleading. 

“Yeah, like the good old days,” Max agreed, shooting another grin in Alec’s direction. He hadn’t stopped smiling since he’d arrived. “Hey, can I put some vinyl on?” Max asked, almost bouncing on the end of his seat. “It’s been way too long since I’ve heard any. Mum and dad just have boring old CD’s, and their taste in music is awful anyway.” 

“Yeah, course you can. Just–” 

“Be careful, yeah I know,” he interrupted, already bounding across the room to the turntable. “Hey, you’ve added to this since I last saw it,” Max remarked as he swung open the cabinet door to Alec’s collection. 

“Yeah, a little. I haven’t had all that much time if I’m honest, but I really do want to head to a store soon,” he said, sliding off the couch to join Max on the floor. Together, they pulled the boxes out of the cabinet onto the floor where it was much easier for them to flick through. “There’s a few that I’ve been wanting for ages but they’re going for ridiculous prices online. I’ll be able to find them in a shop I’m sure, but it’s just a waiting game. The more you go, the more likely you are to find a bargain,” he said, surprised to find Max actually listening intently. With Jace and Izzy, their capacity for listening to Alec ramble about his vinyl obsession was about two minutes and forty-five seconds. Once his time was up, they would grab the nearest record, ease it out of the sleeve and onto the turntable simply to drown out his wittering, as they called it. Alec knew that Max was more interested than they were, but not this interested. 

“Can I come with you? Next time you go, I mean?” 

“Yeah, course you can,” Alec said, as if he would ever say no to that. “We can go tomorrow if you want?” 

“Really?” Max asked, eyes wider than saucepans. In that moment, Alec was brought back to the face of the chubby kid he’d known for most of his life. Max had done a lot of growing up in the last year, clearly more than Alec had realised. But his childlike excitement in that moment made it difficult for Alec to distinguish between the boy in front of him and the baby whose nappies he’d changed, the toddler whose hand he’d held, and the teenager who he’d hugged goodbye as he turned his back on their family home forever. 

“It’s a date, Maxie.” 

Max grinned, even as he reprimanded Alec. “Stop calling me that. I’m not a chubby twelve-year-old anymore.” 

It was like he’d read Alec’s mind. “You’ll always be a chubby twelve-year-old to me, Maxie. Now, drink your shandy,” he ordered, reaching for his phone in a way that he hoped was subtle. 

“Texting your boyfriend, are we?” 

“Oh, shut up,” Alec said, not actually irritated in the slightest but enjoying every bit of the brotherly banter he had missed out on with Max. “I was texting your brother, for your information. But now you mention it...” 

“I knew it!” Max exclaimed, once again demonstrating his abundance of youthful energy. “Want me to give you two lovebirds some space?” he asked, with a genuine offer clearly buried underneath the teasing. 

“No, you’re fine, I’m just gonna give him a text,” Alec said, watching as Max slid The Beatles’ Abbey Road out of its cover. “Good choice. I didn’t know you were into The Beatles.” 

“Of course I am! They’re responsible for some of the greatest albums of all time,” Max gushed. 

“Yeah, they are. I just didn’t realise that you knew that,” Alec commented, thoroughly enjoying his discovery of Max’s apparent passion for music. Turning his attention away from the way endearing way in which Max was handling his vinyl, with the utmost respect and care, he quickly tapped out a text to Magnus. 

I have no idea what’s happened tonight... I honestly think that this all might be a dream, but in saying that I’ve heard that if you’re in a dream then words all jumble up when you try to read them, so I must still be awake. I walked into my building to see Max sat on the front doorstep. He says that he’s not going home, he’s moving in with me. He’s already applied for two jobs here and looked into transferring schools. I think he’s serious. I’m gonna have a proper chat with him about it tomorrow when I’m less exhausted, but just thought I’d let you know. Hope you’re doing okay x  
_Delivered 21:29._

The eagerness with which Alec waited for a response was, to himself, embarrassing, meaning that he had to do everything in his power to make sure that Max didn’t pick up on his desperation. It became apparent however, after less than sixty seconds, that he was fooling absolutely nobody. 

“Does he normally take this long to reply?” 

“It’s not even been two minutes, Max,” Alec replied, trying to feign ignorance to the point that he knew Max was trying to make. 

Max’s reply was one of pure provocation, intending only to tease his brother in any way that he could. “Yeah, but you haven’t taken your eyes off the screen since you pressed send, so I thought that maybe this was a slower reply than normal,” Max said, putting on the worst pretence of innocence that Alec had ever seen. 

“That certainly doesn’t sound like something you’d say to the person who you’re asking to house you for the next two years, now, does it?” Alec questioned, purely rhetorically. The buzzing of his phone was heavenly. If it was anybody other than Magnus, there was little to no chance of him responding. 

“Ooo, is that Magnus?” Max sang, really committing himself to the role of irritating little brother. 

Hopefully, Alec thought. Expectantly, he pushed down on the home button of his phone. 

Oh wow, that certainly is a lot to take in. I hope you’re doing okay, and Max too. I’m here for you if you need to talk, but completely understand that you’ve got a lot on your plate so no pressure. Goodnight, darling xx  
_Received 21:32._

He didn’t even try to disguise his smile, completing disregarding Max’s mocking, “Aww, adorable, aren’t you?”

Thanks Magnus. I appreciate that, but doubt that I’ll be keeping my distance anytime soon. Night xx  
_Delivered 21:33._

Just like that, Alec could go to sleep contentedly, even without a resolution to whatever on earth had transpired that day. Just like that, nothing else mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this is the continuation of last chapters' lyric from YUNGBLUD - Parents. FYI, I'm currently listening to his cover of Senorita, Back to Black and Goosebumps (yes, he merged three songs into one and yes, it sounds phenomenal) and no matter how many times I hear it I just can't get over how bloody brilliant it is. Go give it a listen, I dare ya. OH, and speaking of DARE, I've just been listening to the Demon Days album by Gorillaz and had no idea how fantastic it was! I've only ever really listened to Clint Eastwood, Feel Good Inc and DARE but then I bought the record for my friend as a thank you for giving me her old record player and figured I may as well give the whole thing a listen. I was so not expecting it to be that good! I would deffo recommend a listen, if you haven't already!
> 
> So, stream of consciousness over, I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Day two of seven and we're going strong.


	34. embrace whatever may come

Sunday, 19th January 2020. 08:14. 

Alec would never grow tired of telling people that he wasn’t a morning person. It wasn’t like everybody in his life wasn’t already aware of it, but he felt the need to reiterate the fact to them on a regular basis. Alec had spent much of the night teasing Max about the aches and pains he was going to wake up with, but he’d known all along that there was no way Max was sleeping on the couch. Once it had passed midnight and both boys were fighting to keep their eyes open, Alec had turned to Max and said, “Come on, just sleep in the bed with me.” 

In contrast to his demeanour the rest of the night, Max hadn’t responded immediately with a dose of snark or wit, or both. Looking a little unsure of himself, he’d asked, “You sure?” 

“Course,” Alec had assured, heaving himself off the couch to slide Fleetwood Mac’s Rumours back into its sleeve. “You really think I’d leave you out on the couch?” 

Max had just shrugged, but followed him into the bedroom without complaint. 

Alec had assumed that he might sleep in a bit after their late night and was surprised when he woke to find that the spot next to him was already empty. It brought him right back to the somewhat hopeful thought that had rattled around his brain on a loop last night, that this all must have been a dream. 

“Max?” he called out, voice rough and eyes more closed than open. 

No response. He rolled out of bed, leaving the covers in complete disarray, and made his way to the kitchen faster than he would on any given morning. The sight that greeted him was one of Max Lightwood in a shirt at least three sizes too big, ratty old joggers and a pair of sleek black headphones as he rooted through Alec’s top cupboard. It had turned out last night that Max had brought pyjamas, which in his mind had consisted only of the worn-out pair of grey joggers he was currently modelling. He had refused to admit it, but he had been visibly cold even when under the duvet, and there was no way Alec was going to let Max embrace the same stubborn nature that he was only just finding some balance to now, at the age of twenty five. Though Max was far more adorable than he was, and therefore far less likely to piss off those around him with his refusal to comply with standard rules and expectations, sometimes Alec had a very visceral understanding of the phrase, ‘Cut your nose off to spite your face,' and he wanted Max to be able to accept help when it was offered. Especially with the new set of circumstances he was desperately trying to curate for himself. He had gotten out of bed and silently rummaged through his drawer, pulling out the smallest shirt he could find and wordlessly offering it to Max. To his surprise, Max hadn’t refused. He hadn’t argued that he wasn’t cold or that he didn’t like pyjamas or that even if he was cold, it was his mistake so he was just going to live with it. No, he had just thanked Alec, pulled the shirt over his head and slumped back down, appearing to escape into unconsciousness seconds after his head hit the pillow. Either he was just exhausted, or he was less like his brother than Alec had originally thought. Though, it made perfect sense. He'd had a long day after all, one for the books, if he really thought about it. 

Jumping slightly when he caught sight of Alec entering the kitchen, Max slipped the headphones off his ears and nodded in greeting. “Morning,” he chirped. 

Alec just groaned at him, irritated by Max’s ability to smile this side of noon. 

“Want a coffee?” Max offered. 

“Please.” 

The first thing Alec did after settling down onto the couch and wrapping a blanket around his legs, not ready to fully admit to his body that they were no longer lounging in his warm, cosy bed, was pull out his phone and type a message to Magnus. Though there was always the consideration of not wanting to appear too eager, Alec had recently decided that he no longer cared about that. By recently, he meant last night, when Magnus’ words had forced him to contemplate a reality in which they didn’t see each other for days, or even weeks, at a time. It wasn’t what he wanted, not at all. Then there was Magnus’ interrogation about why he and Magnus weren’t official yet, and his own inability to provide a proper explanation. The truth was, they’d been tentatively taking their first steps towards a relationship for a while now, and now Alec wanted to take a leap. Not a huge one, nothing too radical, but just enough of one that the difference would be noticeable. Enough that he didn’t have to refer to his relationship status as, ‘Complicated,’ or wonder what would happen if he called Magnus his boyfriend. 

Good morning, Magnus. I hope your phone is on silent and I haven’t just woken you up. Me and Max have woken up early for some reason. I need coffee and then I’m gonna have to talk to him about all this. Have you got any plans today? Xx  
_Delivered 08:19._

He knew Magnus wouldn’t respond, there was no way he was going to be awake at this time on a Sunday, but he felt better just for having sent the text. 

Max’s expression was one of acceptance as he delivered the steaming mug of black coffee to Alec and sat next to him on the couch, holding tightly onto his own mug despite its obvious heat. Max had opted for sugar and oat milk in his, not one for the strong bite of caffeine as Alec was. “You know if you move in with me, you’re gonna have to be the chef. You know that, right?” Alec asked, curiously watching for Max’s reaction. “You’re ten times the better cook, plus you’ll owe me for the eternal lack of privacy.” 

Max just nodded. “Fine by me.” 

It shot a pang of guilt through Alec. “I was just teasing you, Max,” he clarified quickly, the lines in his forehead deepening. “You’re really serious about this.” 

“Deadly,” Max said, not taking his eyes off Alec’s for a moment. It was quite an intense stare, from somebody who’d been practically skipping around the kitchen moments earlier. 

“Okay, so, if this is going to happen, there’s a lot we’d need to figure out,” Alec said, thinking out loud more than anything. He took a sip of his coffee and a deep breath to calm himself down. Tension gripped his mind and body, but he couldn’t let it muddy his thinking. In an attempt to order his thoughts, Alec reached for the notebook and pen on the coffee table. Alec was a list maker. He couldn’t come to a single decision without first making a list of pros and cons. If he didn’t write to do lists, nothing would ever get done. For some reason, seeing the words down on paper translated them from nonsensical syllables roaming free in his brain into something logical. In slightly more careless handwriting than usual, he scrawled down the thoughts churning around his mind. 

_is it possible to swap schools so late? probs, would it affect anything?_

_legal guardian? how? consequences?_

_affordable w out support? affect credit?_

“Okay,” he started, brimming with uncertainty that he was aiming to mask with false confidence. “So there’s a few things we need to figure out. First, it’s about your education. Where would you be wanting to go to school?” 

Max wasn’t stuck for answers. If anything, he spoke as if he’d been rehearsing this for weeks, reeling off information like a quick Google search. “There’s a high school about twenty minutes’ walk from here. I’ve looked into it and I can transfer no problem, wouldn’t affect my grades or anything as long as I caught up with anything I might have missed, which I would. The only entry requirement would be a good reference from the last school,” he rattled on, determined to make the most of this opportunity to prove that he meant business. "Which I don’t think they normally ask for but because I'd be transferring so late, they’d want some confirmation that I wasn’t expelled or whatever. The only other thing I would need is a signature from a guardian, which brings us onto your next point,” he said, somehow having read Alec’s scribble from upside down. “Now, that would be the more difficult bit,” Max confessed. 

“Yeah, thought as much,” Alec muttered, taking a few big gulps of his coffee before continuing. “Mum and dad would never go for it. Without their permission it'd turn into a custody battle between me and my own parents.” 

“Yeah, but, you’re a lawyer,” Max pointed out. 

“Not a family one,” he quipped, not wanting to be too negative but struggling to find a solution to this that didn’t involve dragging his parents though court. “It’s possible, but it could turn out to be a very long process, and what would happen in the meantime? If we couldn’t get you into a school in time, you might not even be able to graduate tenth grade.” 

“Yeah, and we’d need to prove that mum and dad were neglectful or incompetent. Or abusive, which they weren’t. I wouldn’t want to do that,” Max said, pressing his fingers against his eyelids in a way that reminded Alec strongly of himself. “But, I might be able to get them to transfer guardianship to you.” 

Alec snorted. “Sure.” 

“No, really. I know they do love us and whatever, but their main concern with me moving over here would be that people would find out and it would _bring shame to the family name,_ Max mocked, but he made a good point. Robert and Maryse were very image-orientated people, and admitting to the public that your sixteen-year-old has emancipated himself wasn’t a prospect that they would enjoy. “So, if I promised them that I would never tell anybody the reason I left, maybe they’d go for it?” he suggested, sounding more optimistic than actually convinced. “I mean, they could just say that I was offered a scholarship to a better school or some other crap that they wanted to sell.” 

This wasn’t a decision to be taking lightly. This was life-changing, for Max and Alec both. But truth be told, Alec’s mind was already made up. If this was possible, there was no way he was going to stand in Max’s way, not a chance in hell. 

“If you can convince mum and dad, both of them, not just dad,” he clarified, knowing that Robert tended to be a little less highly strung then Maryse, “then I’m fine with it.” 

“Seriously?” Max shrilled. “But what about your last point?” 

Alec shook his head. “It’s fine. We’d stay in the same apartment so the base expenses would stay the same. The electricity bill is hardly going to go up much, and water’s not too bad anyway.” 

“Yeah, and I can pay for my own food and stuff,” Max said, placing his coffee on the table so he could embrace his excitement without worrying about dumping the whole thing on the floor. “Thank you, Alec. Seriously, I can’t even explain how much this means to me.” 

“You don’t need to,” Alec soothed, pulling Max in for the hug that he so clearly wanted, “and you don’t need to pay for food, either.” 

“Yes I do.” 

“No you don’t.” 

“Well, we’ll just have to agree to disagree then, won’t we?” 

“Whatever,” Alec said, finally letting go of Max and giving his hair a ruffle as if he was still closer to six than sixteen. 

“Right, okay,” Max said, batting Alec’s hand away after a moment's indulgence. “I’m gonna go and call mum and dad. Hopefully they haven’t called the police by now,” he joked, though Alec wouldn’t put it past them. “Though, on second thoughts, they wouldn’t have wanted to risk word getting out, so they wouldn’t have done that,” he said, reaching for where his phone sat on the coffee table. “You should go, go out with Magnus or something. This could take hours.” 

“No, Max, we need to do this together. They need to know that we’re both serious, that I’m willing to look after you–” 

“That isn’t going to be their concern, and you know it,” Max pointed out. “Just go out with Magnus, forget about all this for a while. I’ll call you when it’s over, let you know what they’ve said.” 

“Magnus is probably still in bed, Max. He’s not exactly an early riser.” 

“Well, I’m pretty sure he’s already texted you. Maybe you don’t know him as well as you think you do,” Max teased, bravado pulled right back up now that his time to be serious was over. “Your phone went off and I can’t think of anybody else who’d be texting you.” 

Not even bothering to return Max’s jibe, Alec reached for his phone with the least amount of urgency he could muster. 

Morning, darling. Sadly, I was already awake. I didn’t manage to sleep brilliantly last night, but I’ve forgotten about all of that now that I’ve had a morning text from you ;) hope the talk with Max goes okay. I haven’t got anything planned yet, you? Xx  
_Received 08:21._

“You were right, Max. It was him.” 

“Told you. So, text him back and tell him that you’re gonna meet him for breakfast,” Max said, close to being an order. 

“Why are you so bothered that I go out with him?” 

“Because, there’s no point in you sitting here listening to me getting berated over the phone for the next two hours,” Max argued. “Plus, you clearly want to see him, so just go." 

“But what if they want to talk to me?” Alec said, biting his lip as if deep in thought. “We need to be presenting a united front, not telling them that the person who’s gonna be looking after their son has just pissed off out with his boyfriend.” 

“Oh, sod a united front. They’re gonna believe what they’re gonna believe,” Max said, dismissing him with a wave. “Just go, Alec. I won’t tell you again,” he warned, in a clear parody of the words they’d heard countless times from their parents, aimed both at each other and their children. 

“Fine,” Alec conceded, grin plastering his features. “But I can’t promise Magnus will even say yes.” 

Max threw Alec a look as if to say, ‘You must be stupid.’ 

“Fine, fine.” 

Oh no :( it went alright actually. Do you want to grab breakfast? It’s okay if you’re too tired, but I figured I’d much rather catch you up in person than over text. Up to you xx  
_Delivered 08:26._

Luckily, he didn’t have to wait long for a response. 

That sounds wonderful, my darling. The Cosy Club, half nine? Xx  
_Received 08:27._

Perfect. See you then xx  
_Delivered 08:28._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is a lyric by Tool - Lateralus. The album is wicked, leaning a bit more towards metal than the stuff I usually listen to but something about it caught my attention. Well, I know exactly what it was. The vinyl is a picture disc and it's one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen, no exaggeration. I saw a picture of the vinyl and immediately went to listen to the record, basically just in the hopes that I would like it so I could buy the vinyl xD
> 
> I feel like these notes have become a space for me to witter about music instead of actually discussing the work in any way SO, to change that, let's have a discussion. I'm on day three out of seven of daily uploads, and my question to all of you lovely folks who are reading and supporting this fic is - what is one thing that you couldn't live without?


	35. yeah, you got me

Sunday, 19th January 2020. 09:24. 

Alec arrived before Magnus. If he didn’t know any better, he would swear that Arthur actually lived here. He certainly didn’t take many holidays. Alec didn’t even have to tell him, Arthur simply greeted him with a wave, handed over two vegan menus and lead the way straight to the table at the back next to the window. The street below was oddly quiet, usually with more people than pavement but this time the polar opposite. It was unusual for a Sunday morning, so much so that Alec managed to spot Magnus strolling down the deserted road without even looking for him. He didn’t appear to be carrying an ounce of the anxiety that Alec was. Though, Alec had gotten to know, there was a huge difference between what Magnus appeared to feel and what he actually felt. He wandered if, maybe, they were both occupied with the exact same train of thought, only Magnus was better at disguising it. Of course, Alec was anxious about Max and everything transpiring in that area of his life but, there was something else playing on his mind that morning that he couldn’t quite seem to shake. 

Not two minutes later, Alec was presented with the familiar sight of Magnus threading his way through the jumble of tables and chairs between himself and his date. “Good morning, darling,” he greeted, sprightlier than Alec would have imagined considering the still relatively early hour. 

“Hey, Magnus,” Alec said, quieter but no less enthused. He liked to think that Magnus knew that his softly spoken nature was by no means a testament to how much he enjoyed the other man’s company. It certainly wasn’t, it was just Alec. He watched as Magnus slid into the chair opposite and rested both hands intertwined on the table. There was a part of him that wished Magnus would just uncross them so Alec could take them into his own, but he also knew that he would never have the nerve. Well, maybe not never, he thought, but certainly not today. “How’re you doing?” Alec asked. 

“Me? I’m fine, Alexander,” he said, pulling his hands apart from one another so he could gesture along with his words as he spoke. “I’m not the one who’s little brother turned up on my doorstep asking for a place to live last night.” 

Alec swallowed. He wasn’t nervous, but he certainly wasn’t confident either. Though, he’d learned from experience that it was better just to get these things over and done with. “I’ve told him he can stay, as long as mum and dad are on board,” Alec blurted. 

“Wow,” Magnus said. Though, in contrast to his words, he didn’t actually look shocked at all. “Do you think he’ll be able to persuade them?” 

Alec harrumphed. “I think he’s got a few tricks up his sleeve,” he remarked, not sounding over impressed. “He basically kicked me out of there this morning,” Alec confessed, then quickly adding, “not that I didn’t want to see you, just that–” 

“I know, I know what you meant,” Magnus assured, though his smirk wasn’t almost as comforting as his words. 

“I just, it wouldn’t surprise me if that’s why he wanted to get me out of there,” Alec said, choosing his words carefully. “Knowing him, he probably already knew that my condition would be that he got their permission, and he’s probably already come up with some questionable scheme to get them to agree.” 

“He sounds intelligent, if not a little cunning, your brother,” Magnus remarked, a fond look on his face despite never having met Max. “Maybe a chip off the old block?” 

Alec smiled. “I think he’s probably more like Izzy than any of us. Jace is a puppy beneath all his antics and bravado, but Izzy can be pretty ruthless when she wants to be.” 

“Oh, I can absolutely imagine,” Magnus agreed. “I certainly wouldn’t want to mess with her.” 

Before Alec could respond, he caught sight of Arthur steadily making his way over to them. “Hey, do you know what you want?” he asked Magnus, quickly conferring before having to admit to Arthur that neither of them had actually looked at the menu yet. 

“I’m assuming the same as you? Vegan breakfast?” 

Alec nodded. 

“Brilliant,” Magnus said, just in time for Arthur’s arrival. “Perfect timing, darling. You’ll be happy to hear we know exactly what he want,” he chirped, maintaining the most upbeat persona Alec had ever seen on him this early. 

“Wonderful,” Arthur replied, shooting Alec a smile before turning back to Magnus. “What can I get for you?” 

Magnus ordered for the both of them, making sure to check that there was nothing else Alec wanted. The food came quickly, considering there were only a handful of other tables occupied in the whole restaurant. The place started to fill up as they ate though, and Alec found himself wondering, is this the right time? Should I do it now? There never could be the perfect time for anything, with spontaneity being one of the biggest factors of a perfect moment. 

Alec’s plate was empty just seconds before Magnus’. He waited until Magnus finished his last bite before he said, “I wanted to talk to you about something.” 

Magnus nodded. “Go ahead.” 

There was no reason to be nervous. Alec had already confessed his love for the man. What he was about to ask was no further up the scale of relationship milestones, but for some reason it was even more daunting. Perhaps because, in contrast to his last gesture, he was completely sober with no trace of a hangover. His awareness and ability to rationalise – or overthink, as Izzy would call it – was tenfold what it had been in that moment. 

You know what? Fuck it, he told himself. What’s the worst that can happen? 

“I just wanted to ask, Magnus, um, are we, like, together?” 

He cringed even as the words left his mouth. Well, it wasn’t perfect, but it was out there now. He only had to ask the question once, and nobody could take the answer away from him. 

“Um, well,” Magnus started, sounding unusually uncertain. “I hope so?” 

Alec snorted, a little embarrassed that he’d even felt the need to ask. Now Magnus had said it, well, it did seem a little obvious. “Yeah. I think so. Well, no,” he corrected, cursing his own thoughtless words. “I don’t think so. We definitely are.” 

Magnus laughed, probably more at him than with him on this occasion. “Yeah, we definitely are,” he confirmed. 

Sheepishly, Alec nodded. “Kay, good.” 

“Kay,” Magnus repeated, only slightly mocking. 

This time, Alec didn’t have to wait for Magnus to uncross his hands only so that he could bottle his nerve and keep his own firmly to himself. This time, Magnus reached over the table and took Alec’s hand where he’d been picking at the skin surrounding his fingernail, turned it over so it rested on the table and intertwined Alec’s fingers with his own. Momentarily, Alec felt a lurch of confusion when Magnus retracted his hand moments later, only to realise why when Arthur stepped up with his standard smile and an offer of more drinks. Magnus would have absolutely no issue with holding anybody’s hand in a public space, so Alec knew that he’d moved away purely for Alec. He’d taken into consideration his boyfriend’s displeasure towards public displays of affection and respected it, which was a thoughtful gesture and one of the many reasons why Alec was infatuated with the man. Though, no matter how much he truly did despise PDA, Alec almost wished that Magnus was still holding his hand. 

“I think we’re okay, Alec?” Magnus asked, always checking just to make sure. 

Alec nodded. “Mmhmm, fine thanks.” He’d refrained from checking his phone since Magnus had sat down, knowing that he wouldn’t mind but still not wanting to set a precedent. But now that they were paying the bill, he couldn’t resist. 

If you’re with Magnus, put your phone down, don’t be rude. If not, feel free to keep reading. I’ve spoken to them, they were just as insufferable as expected. They’re gonna call me back later when they’ve had a chance to talk – that was dad’s idea cos mum was getting all enraged. Fingers crossed though.   
_Received 09:49._

“Hey, Magnus, um... do you fancy heading to a record store with me and Max?” 

“Sure, I don’t want to intrude though. Have you two already made plans?” 

Alec shook his head. “You wouldn’t be at all,” he assured. “Max has already been scheming, trying to figure out how he can meet you. I might as well just help him out a bit.” 

“Well, it sounds like he’s having a hard time of it recently. We might as well make this a little easier for him,” Magnus agreed. 

“Great, I’ll text him,” Alec said, trying to keep his smile to a minimum, not willing to let Magnus see just how happy this made him. The idea of these two getting to know each other wasn’t something he’d envisioned happening for at least a little while yet. What with Max living so far away, he wasn’t always included in the rest of their lives as much as Alec would like. Though, with any luck, that was going to be changing with immediate effect. 

I’m glad you’ve survived the dreaded phone call. You still wanna meet Magnus?   
_Delivered 09:52._

In typical Max fashion, he kept Alec waiting less than a minute for a response. 

Of course!   
_Received 09:52._

Can you find your way to the Merrion Centre? There’s a record store that opens at 10.   
_Delivered 09:53._

I’ll race you.   
_Received 09:53._

Alec laughed, looking up at Magnus. “He says he’ll race us.” 

Magnus grinned. “Oh, this is gonna be fun.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is a lyric by j ember - Lower Than Low.
> 
> This chapter is slightly shorter than usual. I've written a lot for the next chapter already but couldn't link it to this one without it being about five thousand words, which isn't a problem but I'm a bit too tired to edit that at the moment so hopefully you enjoyed this little moment between Magnus and Alec. The boys finally admitted that they are, in fact, in a relationship.
> 
> I hope you and your loved ones are all as well as can be, stay safe and sane <3


	36. a wonderfully good time

Sunday, 19th January 2020. 10:12.

Max arrived before Magnus and Alec. It didn’t make sense really, the pair of them were already in town, they should have beat Max hands down. He must have actually ran in the end, which wouldn’t surprise Alec in the least. He hadn’t gone inside, though, instead leaning against the brick wall one store over as he waited. Instead of allowing Magnus and Alec to reach him before making introductions, Max instead decided to wave and yell in their direction while they were still an unreasonable distance away. Unwilling to participate in the shouting match that Max was clearly trying to initiate, Alec responded with a shrug and a mouthed, ‘What?’ 

“I said hi!” Max called. 

Magnus snorted beside him. “I like him already,” he said, looking up at Alec with a grin on his face. 

“Well, don’t tell him that,” Alec said, shaking his head with pure fondness, “it’ll just go straight to his head.” Now only metres away, he turned his attention to Max and asked, “You couldn’t have waited those extra ten seconds?” 

“Nope,” Max said, happily ignoring Alec’s complaints about his, as he saw it, perfectly acceptable behaviour. Then, surprisingly, he stuck his hand straight out in offering to Magnus, who didn’t even blink before clasping it in his own. “Nice to meet you, Magnus. I’m Max.” 

“It’s wonderful to meet you as well,” Magnus said, dropping Max’s hand as he continued, “I’ve heard an awful lot about you.” 

Watching the interaction, it struck Alec just how much Max really had grown up in such a short space of time. He’d gone from a growing fifteen-year-old who didn’t show much interest in anything other than music, to a well-mannered young man who was trying his best to absorb as many new experiences as he could. But it no longer had an edge of frustration to it. Now, he was rebellious in all the right ways, with the way that he’d just introduced himself to a complete stranger only serving to add another layer to his maturity. Alec didn’t have to think too far back to remember a time when he’d had to prompt his brother to behave as he knew he was supposed to, but now he wouldn’t be surprised if Max could teach him a thing or two. 

“Good things, I hope?” Max questioned. 

“Oh, the best,” Magnus said, shooting Alec a cheeky grin. 

“Good to know,” Max chirped, pushing open the door and slipping through before swiftly turning back around and propping it wide open for Alec and Magnus to pass through. 

“Why thank you,” Magnus said, nodding at Max as he entered. 

“Cheers Maxie,” Alec said, not even looking back to see the glare he knew he was receiving. 

They were the only people in the store, besides the bored looking clerk behind the desk and what Alec assumed to be his pre-pubescent son next to him, slouched so far down the stool that he must have passed comfortable a while ago. Alec sent a smile their way, not expecting one in return. 

“So, Magnus, what kind of music do you like?” Max asked. 

“Uh, I’m not overly fussy about it to be honest. I wouldn’t say that I know many bands or albums in particular,” he explained, following Max to the A – C section. “Well, there’s a few of course, but I more just follow singles or stick on a random playlist while I’m working.” 

“Not a fanatic like Alec then?” 

Magnus laughed, eyeing Alec a little guiltily. “I wouldn’t call him a fanatic, just a lot more passionate than you or I.” 

“Hey, speak for yourself,” Max said, one raised eyebrow giving him an impressive amount of attitude. “I’m a bigger fanatic than he is.” 

They spent easily the next twenty minutes flipping through rack after rack of vinyl, poring over the artwork, sharing memories that swam to the surface after a skim through a certain track list, and asking, outraged, “What do you mean you’ve never heard of them?” Alec’s visible awe over the artwork on Lateralus by Tool was contagious, and soon they were all mesmerised, until Max caught sight of The Eminem Show hung on the wall just to his right and bounded over for a closer look. “Please tell me you’ve heard of Eminem, Magnus?” he demanded. 

“Of course I have,” Magnus said, though his answer probably would have been the same even if he hadn’t. “I will admit I’m not overly familiar with him though, I’ve probably only heard the songs that made it onto the radio.” Ten minutes later, he was promising Max that the first thing he was going to do when he went home was listen to the whole album and deliver a comprehensive review over text. 

The next one that caught Max’s eye was Sub Focus’ Torus, the simplistic cover art almost overlooked, but not quite. “Hey, Alec! Remember this?” 

It took Alec a second before recognition sparked in his eyes. “Oh! Yes of course, we used to have that on repeat every night! Well, almost.” 

Max nodded. “Yeah, you’d be doing your coursework or whatever and I’d be avoiding doing the hundreds of equations Mrs Sellers thought it was appropriate to give a seven-year-old for homework,” Max recalled, though Alec’s attention was already turned back the Lateralus picture disc that he seemingly couldn’t tear his eyes away from for more than ten seconds at a time. 

Magnus was still one box behind Max when he stumbled across an album by The Strokes that he hadn’t seen, heard, or even thought about for over ten years. “Max!” he gasped, immediately slipping it out of the box and propping it against the back wall for a better look. “Is This It!” 

“Erm, I don’t know? Is it?” 

“No, no,” Magnus laughed, turning to face Max. “I mean the album! Is This It by The Strokes. I haven’t listened to this in over ten years! I used to listen to it religiously. God, I can’t believe I forgot about it,” he said, pure animation taking over his features. “That takes me right back to, well, I was about your age. Seems like yesterday,” he mused. “Shame I wouldn’t have anywhere to play it.” 

“You can always play it at Alec’s?” 

Magnus shook his head quickly. “Oh, no, don’t worry about it. I wouldn’t want to add something to his collection,” he said, slotting it gently back into the box where he’d found it. “I’m definitely going to have to go home and listen to it though, as well as the Eminem one of course,” he added. 

The rest of the boxes went by much the same, with the boys passing almost an hour in similar fashion. Looking back, Magnus smiled as he noticed that Alec had found himself a copy of L.ateralus and was cradling it as you would a newborn baby. Max reached the end of the line first and waited a minute or so, admiring a poster of The Who pinned to the wall above him. Once Magnus had flipped the last record, Max asked, “Do you like ice cream?” 

Magnus hadn’t been expecting that. “Oh, um, I don’t actually eat dairy.” 

“Me neither. There’s an ice cream van just near here, they serve vegan stuff. It's brilliant, and exactly the same price as the dairy stuff,” Max said, already making his way to the front door. “Which is great, because it pisses me off when vegan food is so much more expensive, like, I’m paying to save the planet? I don’t think so.” 

Magnus tried to quash his full-blown grin into a subtle smirk. Talking to Max made Magnus feel as if he was talking to a small, hyperactive version of Alec who had never even been taught the word, ‘Inhibition.’ 

“Alec, we’re going for ice cream while you pay,” Max yelled across the store, either not seeing or completely disregarding Alec’s motion for him to quiet down. “Want anything?” 

Alec just shook his head, embarrassed that he was associated with somebody who was speaking above a hushed whisper in a public place. Magnus just gave Alec a cheerful shrug and a wave before following after Max who, bless him, was holding open the door for a middle-aged man with a long grey ponytail and one of the most metal shirts he’d ever seen in his life. Once they were both on the street, Max pulled out his phone and began tapping away, explaining, “I know where it is, but it’s been a while so I’m just making sure.” 

He hadn’t lied when he’d said it was only a few minutes away, and that the ice cream was brilliant. It truly was fantastic, some of the best dairy free ice cream Magnus had ever tried. It was detectibly thick and creamy in a way that made Magnus think it must have been made from coconut cream. There was no hint of the tasteless, icy excuse for desert that, on occasion, Magnus had known to be served up for $10 a pop. “You sure we shouldn’t have gotten some for Alec?” Magnus asked. 

“Uh uh,” Max responded, not even taking his lips away from the caramel covered scoop he’d ordered for himself. Sweetly, he had refused to let Magnus even pay for his own ice cream, never mind Max’s as he’d initially intended. “He won’t wanna touch anything sticky cos then he’ll get paranoid about opening the new vinyls,” Max explained, before leaning back in and grabbing a chunk of chocolate between his teeth. 

“Vinyls? I thought he only had the one?” 

Max finished his bite before answering, clearly having been taught impressive table manners at one point or other. “Oh, uh, yeah but you know Alec. He can’t leave with just one.” 

They both finished in record time, desperately wanting to savour it but completely incapable of doing so. “Let’s head back,” Magnus said, once they’d both sadly devoured the last piece of cone. 

“Sure. You going home after this or hanging out with Alec for a bit?” 

Magnus sighed. “Unfortunately, I’ll have to cut this one short,” he said, following Max’s lead as the younger one darted across the road in a momentary lapse of traffic. “I can’t remember the last time I tidied my apartment and it’s really starting to show.” 

“Oh, shame,” Max said, then looking up at Magnus to observe his reaction as he continued, “I do feel a bit bad about dumping myself on his door-step. It doesn’t have to get in the way of anything though. I mean, I can look after myself and everything. He’s not gonna be like a full-time babysitter now,” Max jabbered, clarifying what had clearly been on his mind for a while now. 

“Of course not,” Magnus soothed. “You don’t have to worry about that Max, you’re not getting in the way of anything. Certainly not for me, and I’m sure Alec feels the same.” 

Max nodded. “Well, good,” he said, just as they reached the shop door once again. “Look, I’m gonna walk home. Alec’s almost done in there,” he said, peering at his brother through the glass door as he thumbed his pin into the machine, “so I’ll let you guys say see ya, or whatever.” 

He was already backing up down the street as Magnus called after him, “It was lovely to meet you Max, hopefully I’ll see you soon!” 

“Yeah, you too!” Max yelled, before scanning the road either side of him and taking yet another run for it to the other side. 

The squealing doors alerted Magnus to Alec’s presence moments before he felt the hand come to rest on his back. “Hey, you alright?” a quiet voice asked him. 

“Never better,” Magnus smiled, bringing his hand to rest on Alec’s arm. “Max has headed back home, said that he wanted to let us _say goodbye or whatever,_ he imitated, before letting a small frown form. “He seemed a bit worried about giving us space or being too invasive by staying with you. I told him that it didn’t bother me. It doesn’t bother you, does it?” 

“It would only bother me if it bothered you,” Alec confessed. 

“Not at all,” Magnus assured, slowly circling his thumb on the muscle he knew was hidden beneath the thick, grey jumper. “I told him I’m going to have to love you and leave you. My apartment has been getting progressively messier and messier and I just can’t leave it any longer.” 

“That’s fine, Magnus. I’m glad we did this though.” 

“Me too,” Magnus murmured. They were close enough that a whisper would have sufficed. “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to kiss you goodbye.” 

This time, Alec did whisper as he confessed, “Me too.” 

That was all the permission Magnus needed to lean forward, once again raising himself onto his tiptoes in a move he would deny with his last breath, and diminishing the inches between them until their lips met. Alec hadn’t realised how much he’d missed Magnus, the feel of putting his hand on the others’ waist, having lips moving against his own. It had been less than twenty-four hours since they’d last seen one another, unable to keep their hands to themselves under the table, but a multitude of milestones had shoved themselves into those few hours. In all likelihood, Alec was now sharing a home with somebody for the first time in years. His little brother had left home for good, and he was about to become the legal guardian of a minor. It had been an eventful night, and Alec hadn’t been thinking about holding someone’s face in your hands and trying your hardest to keep your tongue to yourself, only because you were in public. He hadn’t been thinking about Magnus and how everything about the man was more calming than a million hours of yoga or Pilates or any other attempt at mindfulness could ever be. Pulling away, it struck him just how much of anything he would do for the man in front of him. 

Stepping out of Alec’s hold, Magnus gave his arm one last squeeze and said, “I’ll text you.” 

“Mhmm,” Alec nodded. 

“Let me know how it goes with your parents?” 

“I will.” 

“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow then, Alexander.” 

Tomorrow? Oh, of course, tomorrow. Monday morning, bright and early, Alec would be seeing Magnus in the staffroom. The staffroom that they shared, together. So much had happened between now and Friday that it felt so ridiculously far away and Alec had almost forgotten that nothing had actually changed in that respect. He was still going to have to go to work, do his job and bear all the socialising that came with it. He was going to have to sit in meetings with this man and pretend that he was actually listening to a single word that was being said, and not just fantasising about those tantalisingly glorious lips. 

“Oh yeah, uh, tomorrow!” he called after Magnus, rather lamely in Alec’s opinion. Well, it was probably just the start of many moments that he would look back on and audibly cringe for years to come. It had been hard enough sharing an office with Magnus Bane when he couldn’t stand the man, but he had a feeling it was going to be ten times harder now that he was in bloody love with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is a lyric from iDKHOW - Social Climb. I'm pretty sure I've already used this song before but it's wonderful so you can have it again.
> 
> I think this is day four out of my seven day target, but I'm not actually sure anymore. The days are beginning to blend.


	37. in my imagination you're waiting, lying on your side

Sunday, 19th January 2020. 11:54. 

The first thing Alec did when he got home was to pull his two new vinyls from the bag, intensely more focused on one despite the gravitational pull of the other, and snap pictures of them both in their new homes. It may be a little over the top, but he could justify at least one of the pictures. The vinyl wasn’t for him, after all, and he needed something to send to its real owner. Even better, he slid it from the sleeve, gentler than he’d felt the need to be with a new record in a while, and placed onto the turntable with more care than he'd show to any amount of fine china. Max looked on as Alec spent almost the first half of side A trying to find the perfect angle, whatever that even meant. Eventually, once he had some footage he was happy with, he attached both to a message and hit send. 

I can see why you used to have this on repeat. You’re welcome to add whatever you want to the collection Magnus. I can’t wait for you to come over and listen ;) x  
_Delivered 12:18._

Alexander! You didn’t!  
_Received 12:19._

I can’t believe Max, he really had me fooled. Just the right combination of cunning and kind, like his big brother ;) thank you Alexander. I can’t wait either xx  
_Received 12:20._

You’re very welcome, Magnus. I’m glad you like it. Max was very proud of himself... consider this his stamp of approval xx  
_Delivered 12:22._

I think I’m about to win some brownie points by telling him that I’m a huge fan of the album he recommended, and I’m not even lying either! I’m only a few songs in but thoroughly impressed. I’ve already looked up when he’s next on tour...  
_Received 12:23._

Oh he’s gonna be like a hyperactive puppy when you tell him that. Be very prepared for him to hint for an invite... or just outright ask you haha xx  
_Delivered 12:24._

I wouldn’t mind that at all, I think we’d have a great time. I really do want to start seeing more live music this year though. I used to go to gigs almost every weekend as a kid, I’ve just lost touch with all of that though. I’ve got a list that I want to work through this year, going to have a research session tonight I think to see when / where I can go. Would you be interested in joining me for any?  
_Received 12:27._

Definitely! I’ve been thinking the exact same thing. I love records but there’s something different about live music, just incomparable in my opinion. I’d love to join you xx  
_Delivered 12:28._

I 100% agree, live is an unbeatable experience. Well, it is when the artist is good. I’ve gone to some shocking live shows, although I guess you could say that that’s still an incomparable experience haha. I’ll keep you updated with what I find xx  
_Received 12:29._

“Alec, you’re not gonna believe this,” Max said, appearing in the doorway with his phone in hand. “They’ve said yes.” 

"They've said yes?" 

Unwilling to leave Magnus without a response, he tapped out a quick message while Max hovered by the door and stared at nothing in particular.

Perfect :)  
_Delivered 12:30._

“Uh huh,” Max confirmed, still dazed and a little confused. 

“That’s great, Max!” Alec enthused, slightly out of it himself. “I’ve got to admit, I thought we’d have a lot more of a fight on our hands than that. What did you even say to them?” 

Max’s smile shone with cryptic undertones. “Oh, a little of this, little of that.” 

“Well, whatever you said, it’s clearly worked. Maybe we should think about moving somewhere bigger then,” Alec said, more just thinking out loud than anything. “I mean, I’m not sure if sharing one bedroom is the best long-term solution,” he laughed. 

“It’s fine, I can just sleep on the couch.” 

“For the next two years?” 

“Yeah, it’ll be fine,” Max said, reminding him more of Jace in that moment than he had in a while. The reckless disregard for basic rules of society, the uncaring nature that left absolutely no room for such menial concerns such as where they were going to sleep for the next two years. It was completely alien to Alec, but adorable just the same. “You know what I can do? I can enrol in that school now!” 

“Oh yeah, great idea!” Alec said, easily swept up in Max’s excitement. Though, he couldn’t ever recall a sixteen-year-old being so excited about school before. He himself certainly hadn’t been. 

Max launched himself onto the couch and sprawled out in a way that screamed of pure, unadulterated relaxation. Alec could only wish that it wasn’t short-lived. “I think this calls for a celebration Alec,” he grinned. 

Alec couldn’t help but smile back. “Oi, don’t get cheeky, you,” he warned. “It’s a school night.” 

“Well, it is for you...” 

Right, Alec thought, that’s it. Reaching deep down inside and grasping at the look he usually reserved for within working hours, he aimed it directly at his younger brother without an ounce of mercy. It was a highly effective expression, reading, ‘I would highly recommend that you stop talking now,’ without having to say a word. 

Max, it turned out, was just as subjectable as the rest of them. “Okay, okay!” he spluttered. “I was only joking, jeez.” Then, recovering quickly, joked, “Is this what you’re gonna be like now? Become a legal guardian and suddenly you’re no fun anymore?” 

Alec squinted at Max. “When have I ever been fun?” 

“Hey, you’re plenty of fun,” Max defended. “We had fun today, didn’t we?” 

“Yeah, we did,” Alec acquiesced. 

“See, don’t put yourself down, big bro." 

Alec tutted. “When did you get so wise?” he muttered, before grabbing his phone and standing swiftly. “I’m gonna go and call mum." 

“Why?” 

“I just think it’s the right thing to do,” Alec said, though he clearly wasn’t in much of a hurry about it. “Just, clear everything up, I guess.” 

“Right, fair enough,” Max said, busying himself on his phone. Alec assumed he was looking up the school like he’d said, but with Max, who really knew. 

Alec rang his mum’s number twice and his dad’s once. No reply from either of them. Usually you couldn’t tear those two away from their phones, just in case they received an _important business call._ He wasn’t exactly complaining though. The thought occurred to him that he should probably head back into the kitchen and start making some lunch but, well, while he was here... 

Good news! Max’s parents have said it’s fine, he can stay. I’ve just tried to call but can’t get through, which is a bit of a relief honestly. I kind of wish you were here.  
_Delivered 12:46._

That’s wonderful! I’m so pleased for you both. I’m sure Max is thrilled. Kind of? Only kind of, Alexander?  
_Received 12:49._

Sorry! I didn’t mean kind of. I definitely wish you were here.  
_Delivered 12:50._

I’m teasing darling ;) and I think I would rather that you were here instead. Though I do adore your brother, some alone time with you sounds wonderful right about now...  
_Received 12:51._

Alec’s heart was pounding harder than if he’d just experienced that terrifying sensation of falling and falling and falling and suddenly jolting awake at the last moment before you would have plummeted to your demise. This was so far out of his realm of comfort that he could no longer see the last barrier that he’d left behind him, the one that contained disobeying his parents, job interviews, dancing in front of other people and waking up after a night of drinking to remember your brief foray into the world of voyeurism. 

What did you have in mind?  
_Delivered 12:54._

I’m not sure it would be fair of me to disclose that with your brother in the next room. Believe me though, it’s going to be worth the wait xx  
_Received 12:55._

Oh, I believe you. I appreciate you being so patient Magnus xx  
_Delivered 12:55._

Nonsense. You’re worth it.  
_Received 12:56._

Now, go and celebrate with your brother. I’ll be here when you get back xx  
_Received 12:56._

Thank you xx  
_Delivered 12:57._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is a lyric from Arctic Monkeys - 505. How many of you read it in Alex Turner's voice? How many of you can finish the line? ;)
> 
> I know I've been on this one plot point for quite a while now, but every time I try and move it forward about five more scenes on the same topic get written. I feel like I don't even have control over what I write anymore, it just happens and I go with it xD I have a lot more ideas for different story arcs though, so stay tuned for that. I'm really enjoying this one chapter a day thing, it's unlikely I'll be able to continue it once I go back to work on Wednesday though. So I'd better just make the most of it now...


	38. not out of the woods yet

Monday, 20th January 2020. 10:44.

It wasn’t even midday yet and Alec was bored. He usually wasn’t this restless at work, easily finding task after task to bury himself into. Maybe it was just Monday blues, the fact that he was starting yet another week in a job that his commitment to was questionable. Or, perhaps, it was the temptation of something better and far more alluring only metres away from him. Why should he focus on the spreadsheet in front of him when two computers over, Magnus Bane was chewing on the end of his pen in a way that was probably going to feature in Alec’s dreams that night. He checked the clock, mostly just for something to do. Having your personal phone out on your desk was frowned upon at Penhallow & Eilish, probably in an attempt to make you forget about the sanity of the outside world. With nothing to compare the unrealistic demands and rampant unprofessionalism against, it was easier to forget what kind of company you were working for. But there was one way that Alec could get Magnus’ attention, short of waving at him. Everyone who worked at Penhallow & Eilish would send anywhere between one to five hundred emails a day, with anything less clearly categorised as laziness. Though, there was no specification that those emails couldn’t all be sent to the same person. 

To: Magnus Bane  
Subject: Hey  
I can’t seem to get any work done today, too distracted by a certain somebody. 

Alec saw the notification pop up on Magnus’ screen. Unfortunately, it looked like the other man wasn’t as distracted as he was. Engrossed in whatever it was that he was doing, he simply crossed off the notification without even reading it. It wasn’t uncommon, Alec himself had been known to wait until the afternoon to even bother tackling his inbox. He would simply have to try a little harder. 

To: Magnus Bane  
Subject: High Importance!  
This message is sent with high importance. Please stop whatever productive work you are doing and answer your boyfriend. He is unable to focus on his own work because you are too attractive and selfishly decided to sit in his eyeline. Thank you. 

To Alec’s surprise, Magnus swiftly crossed off that notification too. High importance messages either came from department heads or The Luminate Group - the central staff that co-ordinated every location of Penhallow & Eilish. Sometimes they would go ignored, if you were out in the field or squeezing in a quick lunch break, but not if you were catching up on admin tasks at your desk. Alec didn’t blame him. Clearly, he was just busy with whatever he was doing and didn’t have time to entertain Alec right now, which was perfectly fine. They were at work, after all, and they needed to be professional. Being aware of that, though, didn’t make him feel any less rejected. It certainly didn’t help with his concentration. If anything, it was all he could think about. Surely, he could have just replied explaining that he was busy and that they could talk later? No, he told himself, don’t think like that. Don’t get clingy. Don’t fall too hard when your feelings aren’t reciprocated, not again. 

It took him about half an hour, but Alec eventually managed to get his head in what he was doing. Inputting data, that was literally it. He didn’t have to think, read, analyse or decide who was lying and why. It was the easiest part of his job. It was also the hardest, probably for the very same reason. There was no motivation, no reason, no challenge. His attention was well and truly uncaptured. But, if Magnus could do it, so could he. It was almost afternoon by the time Alec was finished. He tended to gauge how busy the staffroom was and pick the quietest times to have his lunch, even though that could mean eating as late as 2pm sometimes. It didn’t really bother him, nowhere near as much as the raucous noise that a group of supposed adults could make. Luckily, it was already near deserted. Alec had heard word of a mock trial going down in the basement with some interns, and apparently people had so little work to do that they could afford to go down and gawp. Though, he could hardly talk, having done approximately no work all day. 

Alec was just about to sign out when a notification popped up in the bottom right corner of his screen. 

Magnus Bane  
High Importance  
My apologies, I was caught up in the Reid-Lynn files and didn’t want to lose what I was doing. Your attractive boyfriend would very much like to have lunch with you though, if you’re not too busy? 

He looked up at where he knew Magnus would be watching him to find a cheeky grin being flashed in his direction. Of course, Alec berated himself, he was just busy. Idiot. 

To: Magnus Bane  
Subject: High Importance  
Sorry, I already arranged to have lunch with my bit on the side. Maybe dinner? 

Caught up in Magnus’ reaction, he let out a giggle that he would vehemently deny for the rest of his life. Alec Lightwood did not giggle, and certainly not in his place of work. The idea was abhorrent. 

Magnus Bane  
High Importance  
Oh, that is a shame. Dinner sounds wonderful, though I have already arranged to see Ragnor, the old fool. Perhaps tomorrow night, at my place? 

There really was no sense in what they were doing. Sat no more than three metres away from one another, yet they were emailing back and forth. Using a system that could likely be spied upon by Alex from admin, who was notoriously nosey and also a little strange. It wouldn’t surprise Alec if his one and only hobby was stalking through the search history of his colleagues. Whatever floats your boat, he shrugged. 

To: Magnus Bane  
Subject: High Importance  
Damn, I’m busy with Max on Tuesday. Wednesday? 

One look at Magnus’ face told him that they were on the same page with how ridiculous this was. Making dinner plans via email at work. Unprofessional, at best. But Alec was struggling to find an ounce of a damn to give. 

Magnus Bane  
High Importance  
Perfect. See you then. Now, would you like to actually come and have lunch with me? 

Alec's mind was cast back to the one class in high school in which he had ever been reprimanded in. For some unbeknown reason, he and Jace had been placed in the same year nine science class over in England. Schools generally didn't allow siblings in the same class, but they had apparently made an exception for this once. Alec hadn’t liked getting into trouble. He liked to follow rules, set a good example as his parents had so fiercely drilled into him. Misbehaving in class did not come second, third or even fourth nature to him. For Jace, however, incessant rule-breaking had been his only setting and unfortunately for Alec, his brother's laughter had been his only weakness. Listening to Jace laugh, probably at one of his own jokes, would without a doubt set Alec off in tandem. There had been one too many occasions of Jace whispering utterly ridiculous things to the table when the teacher’s back was turned, only for them to immediately whip around and demand that Alec, the only one unable to contain his laughter, shared the evidently hilarious joke with the class. Eventually he'd moved himself away from Jace, which hadn't helped either as the only available seat had been almost directly behind his brother. It really shouldn’t have been funny, but Jace’s comedic timing was impressive. The teacher would turn their back to switch over the PowerPoint slide and Jace would turn back and hold up a note that read ‘Sit through another hour of this, or eat something that Izzy cooked?’ or something equally ridiculous.

There was something about situations in which you weren’t supposed to laugh, that made them exponentially more hilarious. That was the only class that Alec had ever been asked to leave before, but the memories still haunted him to that day. The feeling of becoming increasingly desperate to hold it together was something that Alec hadn’t properly experienced since that science class. Until those emails, that was. 

Instead of answering Magnus’ email, he simply stood and made his way over to the other man. Taking Alec’s lead, Magnus signed off his computer and wordlessly followed him to the staffroom. They couldn’t talk properly, not in this setting, but Magnus’ company was all Alec needed and he returned to his desk feeling as if he’d just been given a second, third and fourth lease of life. That was, until he slipped his phone out of his pocket for a quick glance. It had become a habit of his recently, just in case Max was trying to get hold of him. Though, the text staring up at him certainly wasn't from his little brother. 

We’ve changed our minds Alec. This is absurd. We are not giving you custody of our son. We’re coming to collect him this weekend and he better not put up a fuss. He’s a young adult and he needs to start acting like one. No more hissy fits because he’s not getting his own way or complaining that we want to hand over a successful business to him for nothing, an opportunity that most people would beg for. I’m disappointed in you, Alec. I thought you would have known better than to encourage and enable this behaviour. Threatening to spread word that we are negligent parents is disgusting. If you weren’t our children, we would want nothing more to do with either of you. I suggest you have a long, hard think about your actions and the consequences they have on other people. This must stop now.  
_Received 13:09_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is a lyric by TENDER - Volatile. If you were to listen to any of the songs I use here I would wholeheartedly recommend this one. I promise you won't regret it!
> 
> I can't believe this is the seventh and final chapter of the random challenge I set myself! It went so quickly, I literally just checked this morning like wait what day am I on, oh shit I've already finished it xD I really have enjoyed posting so regularly, even in those moments when I literally just wanted to stare at a wall and do nothing, and I hope you've enjoyed the updates! Thank you from the bottom of my heart to everybody who reads, drops a kudos and comments! You're all so lovely and I'm eternally grateful for the support and encouragement.
> 
> I'm not sure if I'll have a few days off from this or not. There's a good possibility that I'll just keep writing but this time I'm not setting any goals or anything so, until next time! Stay safe and well everybody <3


	39. i'm on my knees, begging please

Monday, 20th January 2020. 17:03. 

Blame is a highly subjective concept. Alec didn’t blame Max for not telling him the whole truth about his parent’s permission for this whole scheme. In fact, he couldn’t even be certain that Maryse was telling him the truth. She wasn’t known for her stellar honesty and integrity. It wasn’t a cut and dry situation, and there was no easy way to approach it. Or maybe there was. Maybe there were many, but Alec just couldn’t think of a single one. It wouldn’t surprise him; Alec was starting to feel as if he really wasn’t designed for this. Out of his depth, that’s what he was. For the first eighteen years of his life, he had prided himself on being a good son and a good brother. He had long since given up on being a good son, but there was a huge leap between not being a good son and actually being a bad one. The question he was asking himself now would have destroyed his eighteen-year-old self. Would he rather be a bad son, or a bad brother? 

Pushing open his apartment door sent every ounce of dread that he had been missing all day flooding viciously through his veins. Ever since he’d read those words from his mother, he’d been waiting for dread to replace the numbness that had sunk into him, and as the day had dragged on and on, he’d wondered why he was still failing to feel it. Though, he hadn’t been naïve enough to believe that it wasn’t going to hit him like a freight train. He’d never actually understood the origin of that phrase, he realised, as it flashed through his scattered brain. Was it supposed to be a description of the thunderous noise they produced, or a reference to the destruction left in the event of a wreckage? Either way, it certainly felt adept to this situation. The noise in his head certainly was thunderous. 

“Alec!” Max greeted, dustpan in one hand, brush in the other. Max had clearly just been sweeping the hallway before Alec arrived. “You’re home early!” 

“I am,” Alec agreed, eyeing his brother suspiciously. “You’re cleaning.” 

“I am,” Max agreed, ever so cheerful. 

“Why?” Alec asked, stepping over the threshold and closing the door behind him. Usually he didn’t bother taking his shoes off right at the door, or he just forgot to, but seeing as Max had just been sweeping, he decided it would only be polite. “Did you break something?” he teased, doubting that there would be any other reason. 

“No,” Max retorted, frowning at Alec in a way that only the youngest sibling could pull off. “I was just being nice, duh.” 

“You don’t have to do that, Max.” 

“I know,” Max replied, this time leaving the ‘Duh,’ unsaid but heavily implied. Momentarily dropping the petulance, he flashed Alec a shy smile and said, “Come on, it’s the least I can do.” 

Alec heard the words. He knew that Max was talking to him, but it was as if someone had stomped their foot onto the cogs inside his brain with all the force they could muster, jamming them in place until they were about as useful as a battered old piece of metal. In the face of his brothers’ dumb silence, Max added, “It’s not like I had anything else to do today, after the interview.” 

Dazed, but moderately snapped out of it, Alec replied, “Well, thank you Max.” It was the feeling of a hundred hangovers all at once, but with none of the sickness, only the disorientating feeling of trying to piece your sensibilities back together after a night of having them mashed about in a tequila-filled blender. “How did it go?” 

Max rolled his eyes and barged into the living room ahead of Alec. “Fine.” 

Alec frowned. “You sure?” 

“Yeah, course. I dunno what people are always going on about, interviews aren’t scary at all,” he declared, throwing himself down onto the couch with much more enthusiasm than necessary. “You just chat a load of shit about yourself to strangers, easiest thing in the world.” 

Alec huffed, bemused. “Well, I’m glad it went well.” 

“Yeah, same.” 

Distractedly, he slipped his jacket off his shoulders and onto the back of his chair. Usually, he never liked leaving it there and instead would hang it neatly in his wardrobe, but there were far more pressing things at hand. “I need to ask you something.” 

“Kay,” Max replied, tapping away at his phone with far more engagement than he was showing Alec. 

He’d been intending to ask Max what on earth he had said to their parents that had led to the text message Alec had just received. He wasn’t angry, and certainly not disappointed, he just needed to have all of the facts before they could decide on the best way forward. Other than dragging three fifths of his family through months of painful court proceedings, Alec was struggling to think of a solution to this. Instead, what came out of his mouth was a different question entirely. “Why did you leave home, Max?” 

“I’ve already to–” 

“No, Max. I mean, really. Why?” 

He watched his little brother swallow and avert his eyes, guilt pouring through him at having caused this discomfort, but unwilling to take it away. Now that he’d asked the question, he needed to hear the answer. 

“I heard them talking, Alec,” Max said, an unsteady quality to his voice. “They’ve never had any intention of letting me live my own life.” 

The murkiness in Alec’s brain was only getting thicker, but he needed to be present for this. Replaying Max’s response in his mind, forcing himself to actually hear the words, he asked, “What do you mean?” 

One moment’s hesitation later, and Max was off. “I applied for a job, similar to the one I went for today, okay? Then a few days later, I head mum and dad talking and dad was saying that he’d had a call from the people at the shop. I don’t know why they didn’t call my phone instead of the landline, but whatever. They were probably fifty or something,” he said, words tumbling out in typical Mac fashion, full of urgency with none of the patience. “Then he said that he’d told them I wasn’t interested anymore, apparently he didn’t want me wasting my time with stuff like that. He said that he was going to get me some work experience with his friend, Monty Jonty or whatever his name is–” 

“Jonathon Montague?” 

“Yeah, that’s it,” Max nodded. “So he said I was gonna go and work for him, for free. Which is fine, I get that you have to work your way up in these places, but the issue is that I don’t even want to be there at all, then there’s the fact that he didn’t even tell me about the phone call. Then mum was agreeing with him and said that it would help me get into the same college you went to, even though every time they mention college, I explicitly tell them I don’t want to go to law school. I don’t want to be a lawyer, they know that, but they don’t care,” he continued, not even contemplating a single word before it left his mouth. It was probably the most honest Max had been with him since he’d arrived, and Alec wasn’t about to interrupt. “It’s just so psycho, the idea that they’re already planning out my entire life, _against my will_ , before I’ve even graduated high school. They probably did the same to you! I mean, did you actually want to be a lawyer?” he demanded. 

“Luckily, I did, cos I don’t think I would have had much choice if I hadn’t,” Alec confessed. “Or maybe I didn’t. Maybe I didn’t want to do this, but they just talked about it so much that it seemed like my only option,” he said. “I don’t know, but I do enjoy it now, so I guess it doesn’t really matter. But you, on the other hand, you do have other options. You’ve proven that to yourself pretty well,” he laughed, while Max just shrugged. “Seriously, Max, you’re clearly gonna do exactly what you want to do regardless of what anyone says. Just, are you sure this is the right move? I’m not trying to change your mind, I’m just asking if you’re sure. Is there no other way that you can do this? Do you need to physically distance yourself from them to have your freedom, or can you make this work for yourself at home, where all your friends are?” 

Max just shook his head. “I don’t have any friends,” he whispered. To Alec’s horror, a dangerous amount of welling began to form in Max’s eyes, threatening its own version of imminent freedom. “Alec, I can’t go back there. Please, I can’t talk about it, but I just... can’t.” 

Suddenly, his dilemma had resolved itself. Simple as that, Alec knew that he would rather be the worst son ever to grace the human race, than to be less than the brother he knew he could be. Parents were supposed to look after their children, not the other way around. But children were supposed to look after one another, and Alec was going to be damned if he let Max down. 

“Okay, okay. It's fine, Max. It’s fine. You don’t have to, alright?” 

Max took a shaky breath. “Did they call? Is that why you’re asking?” 

Alec nodded. “Maryse has sent a text. What exactly did you say to her?” The wheels were visibly whirring in Max’s brain, but Alec shut it all down before he could even begin. “No, come one. Just tell me.” 

Dejectedly, Max admitted, “I may have... well, sort of threatened to spread the word that I’d left because they were incompetent parents. Which is wrong, I know! But, I mean... well, they are!” 

Alec sighed. “You’re right, it was wrong, and it might have just made this whole thing a lot harder for us,” he pointed out, but only putting minimal effort into the reprimand. 

“I’m sorry, Alec,” Max said, sorrowful eyes aimed intently at his older brother. 

Wearily, Alec said, “Yeah, I know. I’m gonna go and call mum, see what I can do.” 

There was no response. There was no response that night, while Alec and Max sat in silence contemplating their grim looking prospects. There was no response when Alec tried to call her in his lunch break on Tuesday, nor when he tried again when he got home from work. Max had arranged for them to meet the school’s deputy head Tuesday night, completely unable to contain his excitement when he first told Alec. In the end, it turned out to be a rather sombre event, both Max and Alec slapping on their most amicable faces to cover up the anxiety gnawing at them both. They glossed over the fact that Alec wasn’t Max’s legal guardian, and instead explained that Max was still enrolled in his old school but was intending to transfer as soon as possible. The deputy requested that they get in touch when they wanted to arrange his enrolment and first day, and they assured her that they would. Calling it empty promises didn’t come close to describe the intense frustration and guilt that Alec felt. If Maryse didn’t answer him, what then? 

By Wednesday lunch time, Alec felt dreadful. He’d been periodically calling Robert and Maryse, texting them, leaving voice messages, everything short of pleading for a response. He hadn’t wanted to leave too many, no more than a handful each, as he wouldn’t put it past either of them to cry harassment. The resulting man was a nervous wreck, pinned to the edge of his seat in anticipation for a phone call that he doubted would ever come. What if they just came to collect Max that weekend? What then? 

Dredging him out of the depths of his own mind, a notification flashed in the bottom right corner of his screen. 

Magnus Bane  
Hello  
Hello, Alexander. You’re looking suspiciously dreary today. Is everything okay? 

Involuntarily, he found himself smiling. Without looking up, he tapped out a quick response and hit send. 

To: Magnus Bane  
Subject: Hello  
Hi, yeah sorry, I’m a bit all over the place. I’m okay though. You still up for tonight? 

Quickly enough that Alec could almost categorise it as instantly, a reply popped up on his screen. 

Magnus Bane  
Hello  
Alexander, you certainly don’t need to apologise. I am absolutely still up for tonight, as long as you are? 

To: Magnus Bane  
Subject: Hello  
Thanks Magnus, and yeah I am. What time should I be at yours? 

“Hey, Alec! Long time no see!” 

Frantically, Alec clicked at the minimise button in an effort to hide the messages on his screen from Simon Lewis’ prying eyes. “Hey, uh, hi Simon. What’s up?” he asked, squeakier than he would have liked. 

“Nothing much, you were just looking a bit mopey over here. You know, more than usual, so I thought I'd see how you were, and your family too,” he babbled. “How’s Isabelle? Well, she’s probably fine, how are things with Magnus?” 

Magnus Bane  
Hello  
That is a wonderful idea, darling. Meet me in the bathrooms in five minutes. 

It wasn’t Simon’s fault, not really. Our brains are hardwired to detect motion, rooted deeply in our fight or flight response is the fact that, when something moves, we notice it. The notification popped up on Alec’s screen, Simon’s eyes being drawn to it in a matter of milliseconds. It wasn’t intentional, Alec knew, but as soon as the word darling registered, nobody with even the smallest amount of intrigue about them could have torn their eyes away. 

“Ah! No, Simon don’t, that’s not–” 

“It’s fine, man! I mean, I’m the last one to judge–” 

“Shhh! Simon, no! He’s just joking–” 

“I’ve got more kinks than...” he trailed off, face slowly encroached by the same level of horror that was churning through Alec’s entire being. “I mean–” 

“Shut up. Stop talking.” 

“Alexander,” Magnus purred from behind him, “that’s no way to talk to our friend here.” 

Gritting his teeth, Alec twisted to shoot a glare at Magnus and said, “Tell him you were joking.” 

Magnus wasn’t even bothering to tame his smirk. “Of course,” he soothed, turning to Simon and adding, “I was just having a little fun with Alexander. We would never do that at work, certainly not.” 

“Yeah, course not,” Simon grinned before, to Alec’s horror, _winking_ at Magnus. 

“No, he’s not, that’s... Magnus!” 

Patting Alec’s head in a manner that enraged him, Magnus plonked himself down in the seat to the right. Clearly done with that particular topic, he asked, “So, Simon, what’s new?” 

Simon did a quick scan of the surrounding computers and, seeing that they were all signed out, grabbed the neighbouring swivel chair and pulled it up to Alec’s left. “Nothing much,” he sighed, resting his face in the palms of his hands. “Just the usual–” 

“Wait, wait,” Alec interrupted, holding his hand out to Simon but staring intently at Magnus. In that moment, he couldn’t decide if he was more angry than he was turned on. Trying to put his finger on what it was about Magnus’ most infuriating tendencies that made him so stupidly attractive was damn near impossible. “We’re seriously moving on?” 

“The more you protest, Alexander–” 

“Oh, whatever,” he snapped, shoving his chair back from the desk. “I’m going for lunch.” 

“Hold on,” Magnus instructed, voice calming despite the mischief scrawled all across his face. “Don’t go,” he said to Alec, still frozen in place as he made to stand. Reaching a hand out to Alec’s arm, he turned to Simon and admitted, “I was only teasing him. We would never do that.” 

Simon grinned. “Yeah, I kinda figured.” 

“I mean, have you seen the size of the stalls?” Magnus continued, feigning incredulous innocence. “I can’t even imagine all the ways that you’d have to contort to–” 

“Enough,” Alec interrupted, silencing the pair of them. “Let’s talk about something else, like the fact that you only came over here to ask me about Izzy.” 

“Wha– I don’t, that’s not, I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Simon spluttered, much less enthused about their teasing when he was on the receiving end of it. “Why would I be asking you about Izzy?” 

Alec smirked. “Simon, I think that may be what they call protesting too much. Now, I have to be in court this afternoon so I actually am going for lunch. I’ll see you both later.” 

Before he could finish pushing his chair in, Magnus leaned in ever so slightly and whispered, “Sixish?” 

“Perfect,” Alec smiled, then gave Simon a quick clap on the back and made his exit. It wasn’t until he was halfway through his sandwich and his traitorous thoughts jumped back to the miserable place that was his current life, that he realised he hadn’t been thinking of Max or Maryse or custody or court cases for at least the past half an hour. That was probably the longest he’d gone since this whole thing started without succumbing to his own subconscious. Maybe it hadn’t been intentional, or maybe Magnus was less transparent with his intentions than Alec sometimes assumed. Perhaps his maddening outbursts hadn’t been aimless attempts to humiliate his boyfriend. It was possible, Alec realised, that Magnus had just managed to pull the wool over his eyes in a spectacularly vexing way. It was something to think about, and thankfully had absolutely nothing to do with his uniquely angering mother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is a lyrics by FOALS - Neptune. I only just discovered this song today and it's a fucking masterpiece. I feel like the long song era has been and gone, but I've seen some things recently that has made me think it's coming back in style - this song being one of them. It's ten minutes long and each second is an absolute gift. I would highly recommend giving it a listen.


	40. the coldest night and a warm embrace

Wednesday, 22nd January 2020. 17:48.

Alec Lightwood did not get nervous. He did, however, lie to himself at rather frequent intervals in an attempt to ignore the paralysing anxiety that so often gripped him. This appeared to be one of those intervals, as he made his way down the corridor to Magnus’ front door. The forest green shirt that he’d opted for was much too tight around his chest. Izzy had assured him that it wasn’t, but it definitely felt constricting. He wasn’t feeling this way because of Magnus, certainly not. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt uncomfortable around the other man, but the same couldn’t be said for himself. Alec wasn’t the most socially adept at the best of times, and this certainly didn’t fall into that category. The fear of disappointing Magnus, of revealing himself as the dry, inadequate man that he had somehow managed to hide up until this point, was simply too strong. 

He prayed that Magnus wouldn’t be able to tell that he was sweating as he knocked twice against his apartment door. The anticipation wasn’t left building for much longer and the door swiftly swung open. Magnus smiled appreciatively at the sight of him. “You look stunning,” he said, ushering Alec through to the living room. “How’re you feeling?” he asked as he followed him through. They stood inches away from each other. Alec looked breath-taking, he thought, his eyes brought to the forefront of Magnus’ attention against the contrast of his predictably dark shirt. Though, maybe it wasn’t so predictable. What he had initially assumed to be a dark grey, now that he could appraise it against the light from the window, turned out to be a deep green. His lips were parted slightly in a tentative smile. 

“Thanks, Magnus. You too,” he said, then shrugged. “I’m alright. Better now I’m here.” The truth was, Alec hadn’t quite escaped the dissociated mindset that had engulfed him ever since he’d read that notorious text from Maryse. The notion that this wasn’t a dream induced by a substance that he’d never even taken was alien to him. But he wasn’t lying when he said that he felt better in that moment, even if only moderately. 

Magnus nodded. “You’re doing really well. For Max, I mean.” 

“Thank you,” Alec said, “but I don’t feel like I am.” 

He took a step forward. “That’s not surprising. It’s ridiculously easy not to see our own successes when they’re right in front of us, and you my dear, are exceptionally talented at that.” 

Alec stared at the floor. He was afraid to look at Magnus and find even an ounce of insincerity. “Maybe,” he muttered. 

Magnus put a hand on his arm. “We don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want. We can just sit and eat comfort food in silence all night, if that’s what you need.” 

“Hey, am I really sulking that much?” he asked as his familiar lopsided smile crept out of hiding. “No, don’t worry. I really am fine. It’s just playing on my mind, that’s all. But I’m not letting it anymore, not tonight.” 

Magnus’ tongue teased his own bottom lip as he appeared deep in thought. “So, is it going to be my job to keep you distracted? Because I think I can do that.” He moved closer, feeling heat rising from the others’ body. Without thinking, he opened his arms for Alec to step into. They stood together; their embrace not quite tight enough to feel one another’s erratic heartbeats, but close. Alec tilted his head into the crook of Magnus’ neck, just close enough to catch the sweet smell of sandalwood. He knew what shampoo Magnus used, since he and Isabelle had discussed it in length at one point. Now every time he got close enough to smell it, he had the urge to douse himself in the stuff. Maybe it was animalistic of him, but the idea that he could be marked in such a way was inexplicably appealing. Having Magnus’ scent plastered all over him, almost as a territorial claim, was a desire that he couldn’t quite explain and didn’t want to look too closely at. So, for now, it was pushed to the back of his head amongst the endless pile of undesirable thoughts. For the first time since he’d come home to find Max’s back press up against the cold, glass door of his apartment block, Alec's mind was quiet. 

He ran his fingers through the hair on the back of Magnus’ head and spoke softly. “I’m sorry, all I think about is me. How has your day been? 

“Nonsense,” Magnus replied, gently moving out of their embrace. “It’s been fine, nothing extraordinary at all.” He moved past Alec and approached the counter which, to his surprise, was filled with an array of pots, pans and discarded utensils. 

“You’ve cooked?” Alec asked. 

“Yes, of course?” The surprise echoed on Magnus’ face. 

“Wha- I thought we would just get a takeaway or something?” 

“No... why did you think I invited you over instead of taking you out?” 

Alec shrugged, mouth still half open. “I just, I dunno, I didn’t think about it. You didn’t have to cook though, I feel awful now.” 

Magnus let out an astounded chuckle. “Why do you feel awful, Alexander?” He took a step forward, filling Alec’s silence. “I wanted to cook for you, please don’t feel bad.” 

Alec’s eyes flitted down to Magnus’ lips, sending a surge of satisfaction through the other man. “Fine, only if I can cook for you next time.” 

Magnus’s broad smile was the only answer he needed. “Fine, now shut up and sit down.” He leaned in and gave Alec a soft kiss on the lips. 

“What was that for?” Alec murmured. 

“Do I need a reason?” 

Alec shook his head. “Not at all.” 

Magnus took another step forward, seemingly having reassured himself that the food wasn’t spoiling without his attention. “Are you hungry?” 

Alec shrugged. “I can eat now or later, don’t mind.” 

“Later?” Magnus asked. "So what might we do in the meantime?” 

Alec couldn’t contain a huff of amusement. “I can think of a few options,” he smirked. His face dropped when Magnus backed away, only to pick back up again when he swiftly turned off each burner on the job before closing right back in. 

“What did you have in mind?” 

Alec swallowed, easily recognising the look in Magnus’ eyes. It was mischief, plain and simple, and it was clear that Alec wasn’t going to come out of this unscathed. “Um, I thought we could, you know, just...” It was no use. He just didn’t have it in him to be so bold. “Magnus,” he pleaded. 

Undeterred, he reached up and ran his fingers through the younger man’ hair, gently grazing his scalp with all the confident ease that Alec could never hope to master. “I promise, I’ll give you whatever you ask for, Alec,” he whispered. It was absolutely no use and they both knew it. Alec’s wide eyes and speechless mouth almost made Magnus feel a little guilty, but not quite. “How about if I ask you instead?” he offered. “Would you like to go and have sex–" 

“Magnus!” 

“What?” he asked. “It’s not like anybody can hear us.” 

“Magnus,” he protested, albeit weaker. 

“Yes?” 

Alec tutted. “You know, you’re not funny,” he said as he tugged Magnus forward and caught his lips in a gentle kiss. Maybe words weren’t all that important after all, Magnus decided, as found himself pushing Alec backwards into the hallway. Later on, Magnus found himself musing over how quickly Alec’s inhibitions had lowered. It seemed that, as soon as he’d landed heavily in Magnus’ bed, he’d been an entirely different man and neither of them were at all complaining. 

It was lucky that, since the dishes were entirely plant-based, they could be easily reheated without fear of food poisoning. Except the rice, maybe, but Magnus made sure to blast it at full heat for a good few minutes. Alec had, endearingly politely, requested to use Magnus’ shower, so long as he didn’t mind. Magnus had been tempted to join him, but the pull of a hearty meal after such exertion was simply too strong. 

“Do you want to eat in bed?” Magnus called out. 

Moments later, a fluffy haired Alec appeared in the doorway wearing the most relaxed expression that Magnus had ever seen on him. He’d donned one of Magnus’ shirts, the soft cotton pulling slightly tighter around Alec’s shoulders than it would on him. It turned out that Magnus was an excellent cook, which wasn’t in the least bit surprising. He’d made nasi goreng, a traditional Indonesian dish but minus any animal products, and paired it with some sweet and spicy tempeh. The man was a genius at everything he did, and Alec made sure that Magnus was well aware of just how appreciative he was. “I still can’t believe that you’ve made this Magnus. You’re sure you didn’t just order it?” 

Magnus laughed. “I’m flattered, darling, but no.” 

The sound of Alec’s phone chirping in the next room jerked him out of his revere. “Shit, sorry, one sec,” he said. 

“Not a problem,” Magnus said, dismissing Alec’s unneeded apology with a quick wave. He was already up and out of his seat, internally cursing himself for discarding his phone along with his jeans onto Magnus’ bedroom floor. Seconds of frantic fumbling later, he pulled the desired object from his pocket and swiped at the screen, barely having time to process Maryse’s name flashing up at him. 

“Hi, hello?” 

“Alec,” she said. “I was just about to give up.” 

“Sorry, yeah, uh,” he panted, trying to piece his scrambled thoughts back together. “It was in the other room,” he explained. “I’m glad you called.” 

“Well, you seemed rather desperate to speak to us. I don’t remember the last time I received so many calls from you. If I didn’t know better, I’d say that you’d finally decided to give your parents the time of day,” she said dryly. 

Her bitterness was apparent, but Alec didn’t let it derail him. “Mum, I get why you’re angry–"

“Oh, do you have a son that I don’t know about?” 

“No but–” 

“Then you don’t understand why I’m so angry, Alec. He’s my son and he doesn’t have the right to just walk away from us because he doesn’t like a few of the things we’ve said to him, or because he wants an easier life with his older brother who he can run rings around,” she ranted. “Where is he? I want to speak to him. He can’t avoid me forever.” 

“Mum, can I just speak to you first please? I really think that–” 

“Where is he, Alec?” she said, voice raised more than he’d heard it in a long time. The control she’d believed herself to have over Max had well and truly slipped from her fingers overnight, and she wasn’t in the slightest bit happy about it. “Put him on the phone right this instant.” 

“I can’t.” 

“Oh, don’t give me that. If he’s as grown up as he thinks he is, he wouldn’t be avoiding talking to his own mother, now, would he?” 

“No, mum. I can’t because he isn’t here. I’m not at home,” he admitted. 

“So you’ve left my son at home, alone?” she demanded. “For what?” 

“Mum, he’s sixteen–” 

“For what, Alec?” she asked, her voice dangerously quiet. “What the hell was so important that you’d leave him alone the first chance you got?” 

Alec refused to sound anything other than absolutely unashamed when he answered, “I’m with my boyfriend.” 

“You have a boyfriend?” she asked, then let out a drawn-out sigh. “You really don’t tell me anything anymore, do you?” 

Alec tried to let that one go. He really did, but her audible outrage was just too much. “Well, why would I? Why would I call you, or text you, or tell you what’s going on with my life, when this is all I get?” he snapped. “When was the last time you actually said something nice to me, ever?” 

“Don’t talk to me like that, Alexander,” she scolded. 

“Mum, he just wants to be happy,” Alec pleaded. “I’m not trying to hurt you when I say this, but I was never happy at home. I was miserable and alone and… I never trusted that I could be myself around you.” 

“But you had everything you ever needed,” she argued. “Max has everything he could need.” But she sounded less than utterly sure of herself for the first time in years. 

“When was the last time you hugged him?” 

Maryse said nothing, but she didn’t need to. Alec already knew the answer. He would likely never really know which came first with him, if he was a naturally distant person or if he’d just developed a distaste for affection because he’d never been shown any. It didn’t really matter at this point, but he knew that it was different for Max. The youngest Lightwood sibling had been cherished by each that had come before him, showered in love and affection from the very first day that they met him. The transition from that, to an empty house and cold hearts in the space of less than a year must have been devastating. 

“Mum, I’m not saying that you don’t love him, or that he doesn’t love you. I’m just saying that it must have been hard for him when we all moved out in such close succession, and maybe he struggled more than we realised?” 

Just when Alec was starting to think maybe they’d been cut off, or that Maryse was just refusing to talk to him, a quiet, strained, “Maybe,” emanated from the speakers. 

“Yeah, maybe,” Alec agreed, a little stunned that he’d even got that much recognition from her. “Look, this doesn’t have a permanent thing, we can compromise. You’re his parents, you should have legal guardianship,” Alec said, pulling out every trick he’d ever learned to get people to do what you want them to. “But you can help him get enrolled into the school that he wants to, then he can still graduate. If he finishes out the year here, that’s better than him being stuck in limbo and maybe having to get held back a year,” he urged, playing to his parents’ inbuilt need for perfection at all times. “Who knows, it might not even be for the whole two years. He’ll probably get sick of me soon enough, but I don’t think we can tell him no on this one, mum. Trust me, I’ve tried to persuade him that this isn’t the only option, but he just isn’t having it.” 

“God, it would have been a shame if you’d studied psychology instead of law like you wanted to,” Maryse said, in what was the closest thing he’d received to a compliment from her all year. “Let me think about it,” she snapped, then she was gone. Dazedly, he walked back into the living room and plonked himself back down opposite Magnus. Of course, he thought, psychology. He’d completely forgotten that for an entire year, he’d been absolutely determined that he wanted to work in a prison supporting the treatment and reform of convicted criminals. It made him wonder what else they’d crushed out of him. 

“You okay?” Magnus asked. 

“I think, um…” He grabbed the glass of water from the table and took a deep gulp. “I think she might have just, listened?” 

“She did?” Magnus straightened up in his chair, staring intently. “What did she say?” 

“Well, a lot of shit at first. Then she agreed that maybe Max had found it difficult living at home, more than any of us knew. Then she said something about it being a good job that I became a lawyer,” he recalled. "But not in the sense that I was going to have to sue her. I think she meant that I was being quite persuasive. Then she hung up.” 

“So, promising?” 

“Yeah,” he agreed. “I don’t want to get my hopes up, or Max’s, but yeah. I think so.” 

Magnus stood from his seat and circled around the table. He rumpled his hand through Alec’s hair in a gesture of easy affection before leaning down and planting a kiss on the crown of his head. “Knew you had it in you,” he murmured. 

“Well, it’s not over yet,” Alec pointed out. 

“No, but that seems like progress to me.” 

Alec nodded. “Yeah, progress.” 

“Do you want to stay tonight, or head back to Max?” 

“I’m sure he’ll appreciate a night without me, to be honest,” Alec said. “Only as long as you don’t mind?” 

Magnus smiled, cupping Alec’s face in his hand. “Don’t be silly,” he admonished gently, then met him halfway in a sweet, slow kiss. 

“What would I do without you?” Alec asked when they broke apart. 

“Hmm,” Magnus pondered. “Probably burst into flames.” 

“Yeah,” Alec laughed. “Probably.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is a lyric by TENDER - Tar. 
> 
> Thank you to Magify for motivating me to get this chapter up instead of just sitting around like I was intending to, and to everybody else who continually reads, comments or leaves kudos. It truly means more to me than you can know, so thank you, thank you, thank you <3


	41. better late than never

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick note - the wonderful LunaStefy is translating this into Italian over on her account so if anybody would find that easier to read then please go over there and show her some love! The title is the same so should be easy enough to find.
> 
> Oh, and the title of this chapter is a lyric from Tame Impala - The Less I Know The Better. Bloody wonderful song. I really need to listen to their new album but can just never find the time.

Thursday, 23rd January 2020. 11:12. 

“Late night?” 

Alec snapped his head up from where it had been resting heavily in his hands. “No.” 

“You sure?” 

“What do you want, Simon?” he snapped. 

“So, late night then. Well, if you’re gonna be rude I guess I’ll just go,” he shrugged. 

“Wait.” Alec sat up straighter in his chair and reached a hand out. “I’m being a dick. Ignore me.” 

Simon said nothing, just continued to stare at Alec with a blank expression. 

Alec sighed. “I’m sorry,” he said. ‘Happy now?’ went unsaid, but Simon heard it all the same. 

“Better,” he muttered. “I take it you were up late getting dick–” 

“Shhh,” Alec hissed. “Shut the fuck up! I take the apology back, fuck you.” 

Simon laughed without the slightest attempt at subtlety. Cheerily, he plonked himself down into the chair next to Alec and swivelled the other man around to face him. 

“Oi, get off!” Alec gripped the desk to spin himself back around, but Simon was still holding on tight. “What are you, twelve?” 

Simon smirked. “I only asked you a simple question. You and Magnus came in together, both looking like you’d gotten about three hours of sleep between you. I assume it wasn’t exactly an early night?” 

Alec tutted. “Why are you bothered? Why are you even asking?” 

“Because you react like this,” Simon explained. “Which is entertaining when I’ve been stuck behind a desk all day.” 

“Well, I need to go anyway.” Alec made to stand but Simon held a hand out in a gesture for him to stay. “What?” he snapped. 

“Chill, dude. I just came to give you a message.” He shook his head. “Jeez, if you’re gonna be this cranky, I’m gonna have to tell Magnus to stop doing you on a weekday.” 

Alec shot Simon a venomous glare. “What’s the message?” 

“Izzy’s throwing a party at yours this weekend.” 

“She is?” 

“Yep.” 

Alec paused, waiting for some amount of context to be given, but Simon wasn’t exactly forthcoming. “Why?” 

“For Max.” 

Alec threw a hand in the air and made to stand once again. “Look, if you don’t start explaining yourself–” 

“Stop, stop.” Simon looked vaguely apologetic that time. “I assumed you would know. Max sent out a group message earlier. He got the job!” 

Alec’s anger dissipated quicker than it had even built. “Ohh... that makes sense.” He smiled. “That’s brilliant. He must be so chuffed.” 

Simon nodded. “Yeah, but you can’t tell him about the party though. It's a surprise. He says that his induction is on Saturday so we’re all gonna come round and get the place ready, then surprise him. So hopefully his induction goes well, or he might not really be in the mood for a party. I mean, of course it’ll go well,” Simon babbled. “But, if not, I suppose we can still have a party anyway. You know, as a commiseration.” 

Alec tried to decipher the key pieces of information that he’d must been delivered in between Simon’s excited jabbering. “Okay, so it’s this Saturday, a surprise. Sounds good. Now, I really do have to go.” 

He left Simon swivelling around in the chair, an excited puppy off his lead. Checking his phone, he saw that he’d been added to two new WhatsApp group chats. The first, created by Max, was named, ‘I got the job, bitches!’ Filled with congratulatory messages from Alec’s friends and family, he wondered if Max had even told their parents. Probably not. They didn’t have a family group chat, and he doubted anyone would speak on it if they did. The second, created by Isabelle was called, ‘Let’s get trollied, bitches!” Skimming through the messages, he couldn’t help but notice that there was a noticeable lack of anything from his parents. No texts, no missed calls, nothing. Should he reach out, he wondered, or give them some time? How much time could they really need? 

The same question rattled around his mind until Friday morning. The ringing of Alec's phone woke him even before his alarm. Since this whole thing had started, he’d made a habit of making sure the volume on his phone was turned right up, even when he went to bed. Only a matter of weeks ago, he wouldn’t have dreamed of doing that. If anybody wanted him, they could call him at a reasonable hour, but there was something about the increased level of responsibility he now had that made him reluctant to even leave his phone in the other room when he went for a shower. Glancing at the caller ID through blurred eyes, a jolt of panic shot through him at the sight of Maryse’s name. 

It wasn’t even six in the morning, he noticed, as he swiped to accept her call. This was either going to be exceptionally good news, or exceptionally bad. 

“Morning,” he croaked. “How are you?” 

Maryse tutted. “Don’t pretend this is a social call. I’ll cut to the chase. Your father and I have agreed that it’s imperative for Max’s education not to be interrupted at this crucial point in the year, and it seems like the best way to ensure that is for him to enrol in a school near to you.” 

Max, endearingly, had spent every weekday since he’d arrived at Alec’s studying the same topics that he would have been had he still been attending school. He was desperate not to fall behind by detrimental amounts, and even more desperate to prove that he hadn’t made a mistake by upping sticks and leaving home. Seeing just how hard Max was trying, the depth of which his desire to be anywhere except from home went, had really affected Alec. He wanted to do all that he could for Max, he wanted to do more. Being given the permission to support his brother in what he truly felt was the best way possible, should have been a weight lifted from his shoulders. Instead, it just brought more anxiety. Hearing those words from his mother only made him question, what’s the catch? 

“Really? Mum that’s...” He tried to smile before remembering that she couldn’t even see him. “That’s really great of you mum. He’s going to be really excited, for the new school, I mean. He’s been studying every day since–” 

“You can stop trying to persuade me now, Alec.” 

He swallowed. His mouth was too dry, but he couldn’t think straight to move for a glass of water. “I really appreciate you doing this for him, and I do believe that in time, things are going to get better between you two.” 

There was a moment’s pause. “Just between the two of us?” 

Alec held his breath. Maryse was actually discussing the distance that had grown between them over the years, instead of grabbing it by the horns and forcing it so far under the rug that it was barely even recognisable. Easily, he could have pretended that she was talking about Robert too, telling him that he should have said three instead of two. But he knew that wasn’t what she’d meant. Alec’s relationship with his parents had been strained, at best, for as long as he could remember. In turn, the same had happened with Jace and Isabelle when they followed his move to the city and realised that they didn’t have to be berated every other sentence in a conversation. They’d finally started to believe that if somebody didn’t respect or value them, there were plenty more fish in the sea. 

“Um, we were planning on having a, sort of... party, tomorrow. If you were interested in joining? I mean, I don’t know if you’d want to stay or not, but you could always come by, see Max?” 

“Do you think Max would want that?” 

“I don’t see why not,” Alec shrugged. “It might be good for you to, you know, talk, and stuff.” 

“Talk, and stuff,” Maryse said, drier than gin and just as bitter. “What was it I was saying about you making a good lawyer? Because I think I’ll have to retract that comment.” 

Alec laughed, a little taken aback. “Um, well, think about it? No pressure but, you’re welcome to come.” 

“Right,” she said, back to business. “We’ll think about it. I’ll let you go now, Alec.” 

“Yeah, see you,” he said, but the call was already ended. Shaking his head, a little dazed, he pulled himself upright. There was absolutely no way that he was getting back to sleep after that. 

Sweetly, Max had refused to share his bed after that first night. He’d argued that he didn’t want to invade Alec’s space, his exact wording being that he didn’t want to be even more of a nuisance. Alec had ordered an air bed for the living room floor but, until that arrived, Max was confined to the couch. Neither were long term solutions, and Alec was facing facts that he was going to have to find a place with two bedrooms soon. But moving was a hassle, and he needed to make sure they were all slightly more settled before everything was uprooted yet again. Alec didn’t want to wake Max, but he really needed a drink. Padding out into the living room, he was surprised to find his brother bolt upright on the couch. 

“Hey, buddy. Did the phone wake you?” 

“Uh, yeah,” Max said. “Was it mum?” 

Alec smiled, even though it was too dark to see. “Yeah. Guess what?” 

“Tell me,” he demanded. 

Grinning now, Alec said, “You can stay, Max. They’ve said you can stay.” 

In a flash, Max was up and off the couch, launching himself into Alec’s open arms. “I can’t believe it,” he whispered. “I can’t fucking believe it.” 

“Oi,” Alec said, ruffling Max’s hair in a momentary attempt to convince himself that his brother was still the chubby-cheeked child that he had once known. “Language.” 

“Sorry.” 

“You should be.” Alec pulled away. “Sorry we woke you. Do you think you can get back to sleep?” 

“Yeah, course.” Max dived back onto the couch and started wrapping the array of blankets Alec had found around himself. “Not that I want to. I feel like running a marathon, me.” 

“Yeah, I’m sure you do.” 

“This weekend is gonna be a double celebration now, then,” Max said, snuggling further down into his covers. “I’m excited to see everybody drunk in person, usually I just get the hungover phone calls.” 

“Err, yeah... about that. I’ve asked mum and dad if they want to come down this weekend, you know, just to say hi to everybody.” 

Max’s expression was virtually non-existent. Alec knew his siblings very well, but there was no chance that he could guess what the other was thinking in that moment. 

“Oh. They said yes?” 

“She said she’d think about it.” 

Max nodded. “Okay. Fair enough. Might help to clear the air a bit.” 

“Yeah,” Alec agreed, somewhat shocked at Max’s unnerving calmness. He had anticipated a slightly different reaction. “That’s what I thought.” 

Max yanked the covers up and over his head, muffled voice emanating out from underneath. “Kay, I’m going to sleep now.” 

Alec smiled. “Yeah, same. Night Max.” 

Sinking back down into his bed, Alec let out a slow sigh of relief. It wasn’t over yet, he knew, not until Max was enrolled in that school. But this was progress, undeniably so. Warmth bloomed in Alec’s chest at the realisation that all he wanted to do now was send a text to Magnus. He didn’t want to wake the other man, but it was highly unlikely that Magnus would have fallen asleep without switching his phone onto silent. 

I really hope I haven’t woken you up, but I just wanted to tell you that I’ve spoken to my mum and she seems to be on board with this whole thing. To an extend of course, but she said she was willing to get Max enrolled into the school that he wants. I think she might be coming down this weekend too, which will be weird, but maybe a good weird. I’m not sure yet.   
_Delivered 06:03._

He wasn’t expecting a reply. In fact, he was hoping that he didn’t get one, for that would mean that he hadn’t woken Magnus at an ungodly hour on a Friday morning, but he was exhilarated at just having sent the text in the first place. The anticipation of waking up to a reply was buzzing through him as he drifted back into the soundest sleep he’d had in days. There would never be an end, not truly. When one problem fades away, another is waiting to rear its ugly head. Alec knew that, but he also knew that the perpetual cycle of life was no valid reason to ignore the small victories when they happened. Or, indeed, the big victories. It was fair to say that this was a moderately sized win, as long as Maryse didn’t change her mind now. If she did, Alec would find another way. He’d made that vow to himself already. Fortunately, it didn’t seem as if Maryse was being ingenuine with her offer, and she didn’t tend to change her mind once it was made up. Though, having said that, perhaps she wasn’t the same woman that he had once known. Not completely, anyway. Her willingness to compromise, even taking into account her incessant insults and jibes, was something entirely new from her. Well, Alec thought, better late than never.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I've just changed the amount of chapters this story is intended to have to fifty instead of the previous unknown. That's actually made me a bit emotional because I've been working on this for months, and so much crap has happened in my life in that time but this has been the one constant that has kept me going, given me something to put my energy into. This has been the first time I've written a story and not had to do about ten drafts for each chapter, because I've forced myself to stick to it and write more (and more often) than I ever have before and I genuinely feel as if I've developed and learned so much. I certainly know that I've loved every second of it. But, for the first time since beginning this, I have a clear picture in my head of how to end things. Plus (and this will sound ridiculous) I really couldn't bear to end things on an uneven number and fifty is just perfect. That really is silly, I know.
> 
> There are also a ton of other things that I'm working on at the moment. I'm writing a book (trying to) and have a lot of short stories in the works too, but they're all original characters so aren't really fitting to post on here. So, I think it's time for me to end this one and put some focus into my other projects for a while. By ending it on fifty, that is not a final ending that I will never come back to. Granted, I might not, but I also might. One thing I can say for sure is that I absolutely love these characters and this story, so I probably won't be able to resist the temptation to follow up with some other chapters, maybe a second work in the same series. (I also have a lot of other ideas for this pairing but in different scenarios, Magnus and Alec are such wonderful characters to work with I just want to plop them down in every situation and see where it takes them).
> 
> I started this as just a one and done kinda thing and it's become something I never thought it could be. It's funny, this work is still saved in a folder named, 'shitposting,' on my computer. I really didn't have high expectations, I just needed to get words out there and remind myself that I still could do it, no matter how overwhelming it seemed. So thank you from the bottom of my heart to everybody who has read and supported up until this point. Don't worry, I will absolutely tie all of the storylines up and give all of the characters the endings they deserve. Sorry, I know I've written way too much here and you've all stopped reading, I tend to do that. Basically, thank you! I hope you are all doing as well as can be during this time, and I will so miss the regular comments and chats with you all!
> 
> Lots of love,  
> Ash x


	42. i know this is so rare but, i'll try my luck with you

Saturday, 25th January 2020. 18:34. 

Simon Lewis couldn’t remember the last time he’d been to a party. Of course, he’d had get togethers, impromptu nights out evolved from his set at some dive bar in the city, but he hadn’t had a proper party to go to in far too long. The type of party where there’s something to celebrate, where everyone can spend an hour – or two, in Isabelle’s case – making themselves pretty, a drink in hand and a playlist in the background. That night, though, they had reason to celebrate. In fact, they had two. Isabelle had planned a party to celebrate Max’s first step into employment, but she had sent him a text around midday excitedly informing him that her mother had seemingly had a change of heart. It didn’t surprise him that Alec had kept that piece of information to himself, he was an incessantly private person and Simon couldn’t actually remember the last time he had volunteered a single piece of information to anybody. Other than Magnus, of course. Those two had gone from insufferable to inseparable in a matter of weeks. Secretly, Simon had been rooting for them all along. Nobody spent that long talking about somebody that they genuinely had no feeling toward whatsoever, and there was an awfully delicate barrier between love and hate. 

He had been shocked when Izzy had followed up her earlier text message with another, asking if he wanted to meet up with her first and head to Alec’s together. Predictably, he had sent off a reply within seconds, eagerly accepting her offer. Since then, he had been desperately trawling through every corner of his mind, trying to answer the question that boomed helplessly around his brain. Why? Why did Isabelle want to meet up with him? Why did extraordinarily intelligent, remarkably witty, and staggeringly beautiful Isabelle Lightwood want to have anything more than a passing conversation with him, mediocre, starkly unexceptional, commonplace Simon Lewis. It turned out that the difference between them was a lot less shocking when they were sat at a table across from one another, drink in hand and conversation flowing. 

Izzy had refused to let Simon pay for her drink. In fact, in retaliation to him even offering more than once, she’d swiped her card for both drinks when he wasn’t looking. 

“I still can’t believe you did that.” 

Izzy smiled, one batted eyelash away from coy. “Did what?” 

Simon huffed. “Paid for my drink.” 

“Well,” she said. “It looks like you’ll just have to return the favour.” 

“Oh! Yes! I definitely will, of course. Do you want another one?” 

Eyebrow raised, Izzy glanced down at her glass, still three quarters of the way full. “Simon,” she laughed. “I didn’t mean now. I meant another time. If you want to, of course.” 

“Oh,” he said, surprise radiating from even the most inconsequential of facial muscles. “Yeah, I mean, yes. Of course! That would be lovely. Well, not lovely, I probably shouldn’t say the word lovely. It makes me sound like a grandma. Well, maybe it doesn’t, but it certainly makes me feel like one.” He paused, frowning, while the smile on Izzy’s face broadened with every word. “Which... well, I should probably just stop talking now. Yeah, I’m gonna stop talking.” 

“Simon, are you always like this?” 

“Kinda.” He nodded. “Well, no. Not always, only when I’m nervous. Or excited, or stressed, or frustrated. Pretty much the only time I don’t talk is when I’m sad, or tired, but that doesn’t really happen much. Why, does it annoy you? Because I can–” 

Silently, Isabelle raised her index finger to Simon’s lips and hovered, just slightly above the plump, pink skin. “If it annoyed me, do you think I would be here?” 

Lips still ajar, Simon smiled. He shook his head, only slightly but enough to be perceptible. There was nothing that Isabelle could say to convince him that there was no need to be nervous around her, she knew that. Being comfortable with somebody took time, and if it didn’t happen at your own pace then it simply never would. The noticeable thing, for Izzy, was that it had already happened for her. From the very first time she had met Simon Lewis, she hadn’t felt an ounce of uncertainty that he meant anything other than what he said. To Isabelle, that was one of the most important aspects of somebody’s personality. If she didn’t believe every word that came out of your mouth, the rest of them immediately lost any value that they’d once had. Izzy trusted Simon, and she was happy to wait for him to trust her too. 

This was just one of the many miraculous things to have come out of Alec’s blossoming relationship with Magnus. The first one, of course, was the relationship itself. Unexpected wasn’t quite the correct word for it. Izzy had always sensed a deeper meaning to the words Alec would spit about the other man, but even she hadn’t been able to predict this unconventional turn of events. From enemies to lovers in the space of months, who knew? 

“Good,” she said. “Now, drink up. We wouldn’t want to miss the surprise part of the surprise party.” 

Immediately, Simon lifted his glass and took a gulp. It was adorable really, how eager he was to please. Izzy could only hope that Simon’s soft and sweet nature had never been used against him. Unfortunately, it was highly likely that it had been, but Izzy could hope, nonetheless. 

Meanwhile, on the other side of the city, the eldest Lightwood was awash with similar gratitude towards another man’s kind and gentle nature. Magnus had arrived at Alec’s apartment just under half an hour ago, more than an hour before Max was due to arrive. He’d called first, asking if Alec needed any help getting the place ready. “That’s sweet,” Alec had replied. “Izzy likes to plan parties at my place, but she’s yet to actually make an offer like that one.” So, Magnus had arrived early, eager and willing to help. It turned out that there wasn’t actually much to be done. It wasn’t a traditional party with the banners and the balloons and once Alec had emptied the dishwasher and made some room in the freezer for a few beers, they were pretty much ready to entertain. It was likely that Magnus had already known that. Alec certainly had, when he’d agreed to let Magnus come over early to get ready. But still, it was the thought that counted, not to mention the extra hour they’d managed to steal together. 

“Did your mum ever get back to you then?” 

Alec nodded. “She said she’d come, but not for the party.” 

“Oh right. So that’s... good?” 

“I think. Yeah. She said they’d come down tomorrow, maybe go for lunch or something, then head back up. Maybe they really are missing Max,” he mused. 

“Maybe,” Magnus said. “Hopefully.” He watched as Alec dried and put away the last glass, closing the cupboard with a slight bang. “So, it looks like that’s all that needs doing then,” he said. 

“Mhmm.” Alec nodded. “Guess so. Oh! Except, I know what we need to do!” 

“Ooo, sounds ominous.” 

Alec didn’t reply, instead just held up a single finger and dived over to the cabinet that Magnus knew contained many of his most prized possessions. He slid the right-hand box from the bottom shelf forward and out onto the floor before pulling out the record second from the back. 

“What’s the order to your collection, Alexander? I couldn’t figure it out last time. They don’t go by artist, they’re not alphabetical, there’s certainly no genre separating them.” 

“I keep them in the order that I bought them in. I don’t really know why, I know most people categorise them into the different artists but I don’t like having them all together like that,” he explained, gently putting the selected record to one side and pushing the box safely back where it belonged. “I feel like it tells a story like this. There’s a group close to the beginning of three pretty slow, you could say sombre, records that I bought back when I was in college. Then there’s a handful of more rock-sounding ones from when I was starting to get a bit pissed off with life.” He smiled, holding out the sleeve for Magnus to take. “It’s like a timeline.” 

“Of course,” Magnus replied, gently accepting the record from Alec. “That makes perfect sense.” He smiled. “I think this was from the high school part of my timeline. I went through an awful lot of phases in college. There’s even a few rare photos – the ones I haven’t managed to delete or destroy – of me with an excessive amount of eyeliner... and a fringe.” 

Alec shot up from where he’d been kneeling on the floor. “Magnus, a fringe? You have to show me those pictures!” 

“Never, Alexander. I would rather never be allowed to wear makeup again than show you the ghastly things I did to my face back then,” he announced, moving swiftly over to Alec’s turntable. 

Alec watched on, absently picking at the skin around his thumbnail. Unable to concoct any sort of plan that would result in Magnus caving, he asked, “What can I do to get you to show me those photos?” 

“Not a single thing,” Magnus said, lowing the needle to the edge of the disc. Letting the familiar crackle wash over him, he sank backwards into the couch and splayed out his limbs, more at home than Alec had ever seen the other man in his apartment. 

“Hmm,” Alec said, joining Magnus on the couch. He tried his best to hide his pleasant surprise when Magnus looped his arm underneath Alec’s and nestled against his shoulder. It was far from the most intimate gesture that had been exchanged between the two of them, but the familiarity and ease with which it was done sent a pulse of contentment pounding through his heart. “There must be something,” he murmured, tilting his head slightly so it rested minutely against Magnus’. He could feel, rather than see, Magnus’ tiny headshake against his shoulder. He huffed. “Fine then. One day.” 

Alec had never listened to this album in full before, but something about it brought out a wave of nostalgia in him. The beginning of the second track seemed to cast him back to a party he’d never been to, a class he’d never skipped, a night-time car ride he’d never driven. It brought him back to simpler times that had never actually existed. It was an upbeat track, but the lyrics held a much more melancholic meaning. Alec wondered exactly which parts of this had captured the attention of a younger Magnus Bane. 

_Work hard and say it’s easy, do it just to please me._

The words were being catapulted into existence with an edge of defeat, the voice behind them almost accepting whatever turn of events had taken their hand and led it to pen such a story. For, the song was a story. It told the tale, Alec perceived, of a relationship moving further and further downhill until eventually, the narrator mustered up the courage to jump from a sinking ship. Was it this song that Magnus had needed to hear at the time? Or was it the previous one? Or maybe the next? 

_Tomorrow will be different, so this is why I’m leaving._

The last line of the track spoke of finality, in a way that Alec hoped would never apply to whatever was seeping its way in between them here. The idea of Magnus hearing this song sometime in the distant future and being reminded of their long-gone relationship, now merely a blip in his timeline, was devastating. The arm continued to get closer and closer to the centre of the record, while they lay in comfortable silence. Alec couldn’t help but try to pick apart every lyric and every melody to understand what Magnus heard when he listened to this album. For Alec, music was an intensely personal thing, and he truly believed that somebody could learn more about him by making their way through his collection than they could by spending the same amount of time talking to him. He wanted nothing more than to know Magnus in that very same way. 

When it came time to flip the record, Magnus unwrapped himself from Alec’s arm and took the task upon himself. The absence of warmth was miserable. This time, when Magnus came to entangle their limbs together, Alec turned his palm to face the ceiling and stretched out his fingers in a clear offering. It felt like home, Magnus threading his fingers through Alec’s and holding on tight. Alec couldn’t remember if they’d ever actually held hands before. The order in which they’d moved through their relationship has been unconventional at best. They’d had sex before they’d ever even had a real conversation. There wasn’t a single thing wrong with that, of course, but Alec often felt that their firsts had been picked out of a hat, selected in an entirely random sequence and left to try and piece themselves into some semblance of sense. 

_Things, they have changed in such a permanent way._

In that moment, Alec was in a place that he had truly believed for the majority of his life, he was uncapable of finding himself in. He did not know if he could live without the man beside him. It was equally exhilarating as it was terrifying, and he chose to focus on the former. With every ounce of uncertainty hovering about his life, he was holding onto one of the only constants he could find. His siblings, and Magnus. The only fear was dependency, but Alec trusted himself enough to know that he could survive the most severe emotional turmoil life could throw at him, which he knew that heartbreak over Magnus Bane certainly would be. 

The chirping of the intercom jolted him upright, just as the needle was finding its way to the centre. Time to exit the stillness they’d carved out for themselves. Sweetly, Magnus took it upon himself to place the album back exactly where it had come from, making its own mark on Alec’s timeline. Moments later, they must have practically raced up the stairs, there was a chorus of loud knocking at his door. “Jesus,” Alec muttered. “Do they think we’re not gonna hear them?” 

Magnus laughed. “Don’t be grumpy.” 

Alec took one last look at Magnus, before turning into the hallway. “I’m coming,” he shouted, as there was yet another knock on the door. He moaned, but he truly did love his siblings. Jace wouldn’t be Jace without his insistence at knocking excessively loudly on every door he ever encountered. Alec smiled, as much as he loved having Magnus all to himself, he couldn’t deny that having each and every loved one in a room all together, talking and laughing and drinking, was utterly priceless. The cherry on top was the fact that the cloud looming over them seemed to be slowly fading away. They had something to celebrate, and if there was one thing that the Lightwoods knew how to do, it was celebrate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is a lyric by The Strokes - Trying Your Luck. I really struggled to choose a song this time as I absolutely love the whole album (as does Magnus) but as soon as I heard that lyric, I knew it had to be that one. It's just so true to both Izzy and Simon, and Alec and Magnus.
> 
> Sidenote - a little apology for going a few days without updating. I know this isn't exactly unusual on here, but I usually update a lot more frequently than that. The only reason is that I've been super busy with work and then every night I would want to sit down and write but had too much of a headache from being on my phone and laptop all day (for work, of course, not skiving off). I have so many ideas and I'm just desperate to write them but it's hard when I've got to be attached to my laptop all day. But I'm still working, and I'm able to do it from the safety of my home, so I'm absolutely not complaining.
> 
> Honestly, chapter 41 and 42 were originally supposed to be one chapter, along with the party that's now going to turn into chapter 43, but I just got carried away and they each turned into their own chapters. I am going to finish on 50, but it looks as if the last few chapters might be quite long as my habit of getting carried away and writing far more than originally anticipated is dying hard, very hard. I might not be updating frequently for the rest of this story, for the same reason as above, but I think it will all be finished and posted within the next two weeks. I doubt I'll be able to hold off writing and posting it for ay longer than that.
> 
> So, anyway, I hope you're all keeping safe and doing as well as can be during this time. I hope you enjoyed the chapter too!


	43. party like we're all gonna die tonight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoy the chapter!

Saturday, 25th January 2020. 20:13. 

It turned out that Max wasn’t surprised in the slightest. Jace and Clary had arrived first, shortly followed by Izzy and Simon. It didn’t escape anybody’s attention that they arrived together, but nobody mentioned it. Not then, anyway, but it was likely that they’d be incessantly questioned as soon as everybody had poured an appropriate amount of alcohol down their necks. They hadn’t needed to wait long before Raph, Cat and Ragnor all arrived last. Izzy’s invite had been extremely open ended, and once Alec had assured Magnus that it really was the more the merrier, he had asked his friends if they’d like to come along too. Alec welcomed any opportunity to get to know them all a little better, considering they clearly played a hugely important part in Magnus’s life. Not to mention the fact that Ragnor scared him, just a little. Raphael, definitely not. Though the man rarely smiled, his attempts at intimidation were comparable to that of a child dressing up in his fathers’ suit and playing pretend. It was clearly all a facade, with the soft spot he held for his friends too big to disguise, but Ragnor was harder to decipher. Alec would have no idea if the man loved or hated him, and he could only hope it wasn’t the latter. 

Once they’d all arrived, it hadn’t taken long before the intercom buzzed one final time. Strolling in, Max hadn’t even flinched when half a dozen people yelled out, “Surprise.” He’d been quick to inform them, upon Isabelle’s demands, that the reason he hadn’t been shocked was because they took, ‘even the smallest excuse to throw a party.’ He would have been more surprised if they hadn’t, and he wasn’t wrong, they knew. Isabelle had once declared that they needed to have a night out simply because she’d bought a new dress and it was too gorgeous to sit unused in her wardrobe. 

Not even an hour later, the party was in full swing. Jace and Simon were working their way through a crate of Budweiser while Max was nursing the shandy that Jace had made for him, under Alec’s strict scrutiny. Izzy, Clary and Cat were mixing cocktails for Ragnor and Raphael, who were determinedly not displaying any outward signs of enjoyment, but Alec would bet were silently impressed with the girls’ mixology skills. 

“Someone like youuuuu! Woaaah ohhh woooahhhh oohh ohhh!” 

Alec watched on, trying to contain his grin, as Magnus stared incomprehensibly at Jace’s rendition of Kings Of Leon’s Use Somebody. Ragnor had taken on the responsibility of providing music for the night, with one of the first things he’d done being connecting his phone to Alec’s sound system. Originally, Alec would have simply invited people to work their way through his vinyl, but witnessing the carnage that had ensued not even an hour into the night, he had swiftly put a pin in that idea. There really wasn’t much space in his apartment, not with all nine of them in there. Usually, they would have met up at a bar or pub and taken it from there. This time though, they were trying to be underage friendly. If you could class drinking excessively in your own apartment instead of at a club, underage friendly. 

“Come on, cheer up Raph,” Cat called from the kitchen counter. “If you look that miserable with a drink in your hand, I really don’t know what else we can do for you,” 

Raphael tutted, but stood up, nonetheless. “What are you even making?” he asked. 

“Tequila sunrise,” Izzy replied. “Duh.” 

“That is absolutely not tequila sunrise.” 

“Why not?” Izzy demanded. 

“Well, for starters, it’s only one colour. You know tequila sunrise is supposed to fade–” 

“From red to orange, yes I know,” Izzy interrupted. 

“Yeah. Hence the name.” 

Raphael’s ability to speak while hardly moving a muscle was uncanny. Izzy wandered what he’d be like after a few more drinks. “Well, we didn’t have any of the red stuff,” she retorted. “So we’re making do. Now, here you go.” 

“I still have half of this,” he protested, holding up the mojito that had been thrust into his hands earlier that evening. 

Izzy grinned. “Yeah. One for each hand.” 

It was a sentiment that Jace echoed, now destroying the masterpiece that was ZZ Top’s Sharp Dressed Man with his nowhere-close-to-correct lyrics and out of tune vocals. “Exactly, Izzy! God, you definitely are my sister!” he yelled. 

Magnus laughed. “You’re sure you weren’t the one adopted?” 

“Pretty sure,” Alec murmured. 

He and Magnus were tucked neatly into the corner of the room, enjoying the safety of his couch and the vantage point it provided. Since the apartment was almost at its full capacity, there wasn’t really much choice for personal space. Neither of them could have cared less at having to share a seat meant for one, but it was still unusual for Alec to be displaying any sort of affection in this way, never mind in front of the people who had known him to be so incredibly distant for so long. 

“Oi!” Alec yelled, Magnus jolting with slight surprise. “You think I can’t see you guys?” 

“Oh, come on Alec! Don’t be boring,” Jace whined. “He’s sixteen! It’s better he tries it here than out god knows where with a bunch of strangers.” 

Tutting, Alec pulled himself away from the warmth he and Magnus had generated and moved closer to Jace. “I’m not disagreeing with that, but you’re not the one who’s sworn to our parents that they’re gonna look after him. I’ve basically offered myself up to be his legal guardian. Not to mention the fact that they’re coming down to see him tomorrow,” Alec ranted. He wasn’t truly angry, but a little frustrated that Jace seemingly wasn’t taking his responsibility to their brother as seriously as he should. Next, he turned to Max. “Imagine they come tomorrow and you’re visibly hungover, Max. What then?” 

Max sighed. “Yeah, you’re right. I know, Alec.” 

“Right, good. Fine, then.” 

Turning to sit back down with Magnus, he realised that his beer was almost empty. His first instinct was to grab another from the fridge, but he stopped himself. He would feel a little guilty if he cracked another can, not moments after he’d just told Max that he had to spend the night in a room full of people drinking and just watch, from the outside looking in. 

The night progressed in much the same fashion. It took a few hours, but Raphael did loosen up and, surprisingly, Ragnor did too. When it got to the later hours of the night, Alec dialled down the volume of his speakers out of respect for the neighbours, but it didn’t do any damage to the atmosphere. Instead of raucous singing, excessive drinking and unfortunate dancing, the group switched instead to slurred games of truth or dare, scrolling through Just Eat to find food tthat nobody had any complaints about and telling moderately embellished stories from decades ago with the sole aim of embarrassing one another. 

Alec was trying to place an order on his blurry screen, or maybe through his blurry eyes, when he heard Clary announce, “Okay, my turn! Simon, truth or dare?” 

“Truth,” Simon replied. It wasn’t surprising. Alec had never known Simon to pick dare. The man had no shame and would spill any secret without a single prompt, the game was just an easy catalyst. 

“Okay,” Clary said. “Alec or Jace?” 

Alec snapped his head up, eyeing Clary suspiciously. “Me or Jace what?” 

“Who would he have sex with.” 

Alec sighed. “Thought so.” 

Simon didn’t even have to think about his answer. “Definitely Alec.” 

“That was a bit fast,” Izzy laughed. 

“Yeah, what the hell Simon?” Alec demanded. “Why me? Jace is much nicer to you.” 

Simon shrugged. “Well, Jace is straight. I’d feel a bit awful having sex with him, cos he clearly wouldn’t enjoy it.” 

Next to him, Magnus was at least trying to hide his laughter, unlike everybody else who clearly found Simon’s admission hysterical. “Hey, just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I would enjoy having sex with you,” Alec pointed out. 

“No, of course not. But you’d have a higher chance of enjoying it than Jace,” Simon argued. “You can’t deny that.” 

Alec huffed. “Yes I can.” 

“Not really,” Magnus chirped. “His logic stands, darling.” He kept his hand nestled into the crook of Alec’s elbow, giving his arm a little squeeze. 

“Right, whatever,” Alec said, eye roll in full swing. He nodded at Simon. “Your turn.” 

Simon grinned. “Okay. Alec, who would you rather sleep with... me or Clary?” 

“Oh, fuck off.” 

“Simon, do you actually want to sleep with Alec?” Izzy laughed. 

“What? No! No, of course not, I was just–” 

“I know, I know,” she soothed, giving him a gentle tap on the leg. “Go on Alec, answer the question.” 

Alec shot daggers at them both, but he was nothing if not a fair player. If he didn’t answer the questions, he couldn’t expect anybody else to. “Fine. Simon.” 

“Ha!” Simon yelled. “I knew it!” 

“Only because you’re a guy!” Alec defended. “No offense or anything, Clary.” 

“None taken,” she smiled. 

“See! So I was right,” Simon declared. “You picked me cos I’m a guy, I picked you cos you’re gay. It’s the same thing! I was just being considerate.” 

“Whatever. I’m getting another drink, anyone want one?” 

“Yeah, I’ll have a beer,” Jace said. 

Izzy nodded. “Same here.” 

“No worries.” Alec eased himself from the couch, collecting his empty can from the floor on his way. 

“I need a refill, but I wouldn’t trust you to make a perfect gin and tonic,” Ragnor said, then added, “no offense, of course. People rarely can.” 

“Yeah, none taken,” Alec said. He’d been expecting Max to chime in with some joke about Ragnor making him a gin too, or Alec getting him a beer, but he’d stayed silent. He’d been in good spirits all night, cheerfully recounting his first day at work without an ounce of the regret or embarrassment that Alec knew he’d come home with after his first outing into the working world. Max did tend to be unphased by most things, a trait which Alec was slightly jealous of, but mostly just desperately wanted to protect. Though, it didn’t look as if he’d been unphased by Alec’s comments earlier. He hadn’t tried to wangle a single drink from anybody since Alec had reminded him how irresponsible it would be. Other than the first shandy Jace had made him, he hadn’t touched a drop. 

“Want another one Max?” 

He looked up, surprise clear on his face. “Uh, yeah, sure?” 

“Okay, coming up,” Alec said. Two couldn’t hurt, he figured. He weaved his way through the bottles and bodies on his way to the kitchen, where Ragnor was already pouring copious amounts of gin into his glass. He never seemed to use any unit of measurement, yet it was exactly how he wanted it every time. Alec wondered if he was either so used to making them over the years that he didn’t need to measure anymore, or if he simply enjoyed the drama of insisting that he needed to make his own. The man was rather eccentric, and Alec understood exactly what it was about him that Magnus was so drawn too. Their shared flair for theatrics was almost indistinguishable, though Ragnors’ was much more aloof than Magnus’. 

So much so, that Alec almost jumped out of his skin when Ragnor actually spoke to him. “It won’t do him any harm,” he said. 

Taken aback, Alec just stared dumbly for a moment. “Uh, what? Who, sorry?” 

“Your brother. The odd drink won’t do him any harm,” he rumbled. “Not that I’m telling you how to do your job, of course, but I know it’s easy to doubt yourself.” 

“No, no, of course. Yeah, uh...” Alec fumbled. He shook his head, watching as Ragnor popped two ice cubes into his glass and added about the same amount of tonic as he had gin. Keeping his voice low, he said, “Thanks. You’re right. I do keep doubting myself.” 

Ragnor nodded. “Just remember that you’re not alone. You’re the oldest, but your siblings want to help. It looks like Max is doing a good job of helping himself too,” he remarked. He paused, holding Alec’s gaze. It felt like a test, in some way, and Alec fought his every instinct to look away. “You have Magnus now, too. Don’t you?” 

Alec blinked. That wasn’t what he’d been expecting to hear. “Uh, yeah, I mean... not have, I don’t have him. But we are, you know, there for each other.” 

Ragnor smirked. “Calm down, Alexander. This isn’t an examination.” Then, before Alec could reply, he was sliding his gin off the counter and walking it carefully back to his seat. Alec distributed the cans to Jace and Izzy, giving Max a smile as he handed over the shandy, and sank back into the cushions beside Magnus. The buzz he felt was in that perfect stage, just past insufficient but not quite excessive. 

“What was he saying to you?” Magnus whispered. 

Alec smiled. “Nothing. Well, nothing bad. Just that I shouldn’t doubt myself when it comes to Max, basically.” 

“Oh, wow. That’s awfully... kind of him.” 

“Yeah, I thought so too.” 

Magnus frowned. “Not that he isn’t kind, he most definitely is. Just, not usually to strangers,” he explained. “It looks like he doesn’t consider you a stranger anymore.” 

Maybe it was the fact that he was on his way to inebriation, or maybe it was just because Alec was surrounded by the people that he felt most comfortable with. He wasn’t sure, but it didn’t particularly matter. Gently, he eased his hand under Magnus’ where it lay on his own thigh, lacing their fingers and sweeping his thumb against the back of his hand. It was by no means scandalous, but it was far more affectionate than Alec had ever allowed himself to be in front of others before. He was grateful that nobody acknowledged it, if they even noticed. Cat and Izzy had barely stopped their incessant chatter for the last half an hour. Max was talking to Simon about some ridiculous anime they both watched, Ragnor and Raphael had fallen back into their old habit of observing the goings on with a judgemental glare about them, while Jace and Clary were one kiss away from foreplay. 

It was the ideal cliché, perfectly imperfect. He had a ticking time bomb of parental responsibility hanging over his head, a new relationship that could easily hang in the balance should he be allowed to take on full legal guardianship of his little brother. Though it was heart wrenching to think about, Magnus might not want to hang around should it become obvious that the next two, three or even four years of his life were going to revolve around providing a stable home for Max. Then there was the fact that his parents were likely never going to want to speak to him again, not after he’d stolen away their youngest from under their noses. It was all a mess, really, but that didn’t seem to matter much. Not when he was surrounded by his family and friends, all he could see in that moment was their happiness, whether it was alcohol-induced or not. Little else seemed to matter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is a lyric by LEFT BOY - Dangerous.


	44. i am happy on my own

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is a lyric by Ed Sheeran - Eraser.

Sunday, 26th January 2020. 11:16. 

Max Lightwood was an intelligent kid, there were no doubts about that. One of his favourite topics was science. Biology, to be exact. So, he understood the science behind anxiety, that your body releases adrenaline and cortisol in response to a perceived threat which then causes an increased heart rate, nausea and palpitations, to name a few. He understood the science, the basics at least, but that didn’t mean that he wasn’t just as susceptible to the feeling as the next man. From that morning’s very first moment of consciousness, he’d been plagued with the worst kind of sickness. Max hated nerves, they served absolutely no purpose other than to jar his mind and weaken his body. He couldn’t get his thoughts aligned when he was so agitated, and he certainly couldn’t remain in control of person. His stomach would flutter, his hands would shake, he would even sweat, if he was exceptionally frightened. He wasn’t quite at that stage yet, but there was still time. 

“When are they going to get here?” he demanded. 

“Not long, Max,” Alec said, not for the first time that day. 

On the two occasions that Max had made the journey alone to Alec’s, he’d been limited to public transport and the subsequently increased travel time. The journey probably wouldn’t take his parents much longer than three hours in the car, depending on traffic. Alec had informed him of that just over three hours ago, and Max had barely stopped counting the minutes since. Luckily, Alec had kept enough sense about him last night not to cave into the temptation to get absolutely blitzed, like everybody else had done. 

Jace and Clary had crawled into an Uber at some point in the early hours of the morning. Surprisingly, they had been the first to leave. Usually the pair of them were the last ones standing, absolutely unwilling to miss out on a single ounce of fun. The next to go had been Ragnor. He lived in the opposite direction to everybody else and, although he would never admit it, clearly wanted to return home to his partner. Though they weren’t officially living together, it sounded as if they never really spent a second apart anymore. Finally, Catarina, Raphael, Simon and Isabelle had all crammed into one Uber, each of them going in similar directions and trying to minimise the cost as much as possible. With the state that they were all in, Alec had honestly been surprised that the driver hadn’t taken one look at them, locked the door and driven away. 

Magnus hadn’t bothered making his way home. By the time Ragnor had left, both he and Alec had known that there was no way he was sleeping anywhere other than Alec’s bed that night. Though, always the gentleman, Magnus hadn’t made any assumptions. “Would you rather I go back home tonight?” he’d asked. 

Alec has shaken his head. “No, absolutely not. Not if you don’t want to.” 

Max had adamantly refused to go to sleep before everyone had left. Throughout the night, Alec had kept offering his own bed to Max where it was moderately quieter than the living room. It had quickly become apparent that his fear of missing out was greater than the heaviness in his eyes. Alec hadn’t minded at all, not wanting to rob Max of the chance to enjoy his own party. It was the first one he’d had, after all, since he was around six. His parents had previously thrown their children birthday parties when they were much younger, but more so as an opportunity to network with couples who had kids of a similar age. They had tried, admittedly, to make sure that their children had felt loved, but they’d never been able to present it in any form other than gifts. Their values were more materialistic than anything else and their language only spoke of debts, insurances and wealth. They’d never been able to understand the concept of doing something good for the sake of it, there was always a price. Their good deeds could never truly be good, because they were always orchestrated in a way that was somehow beneficial to them. 

It was tiresome, but not the worst quality that a parent could have. It was one of the reasons that Alec was so desperate to make this work between Max and his parents. He knew that, deep down, they did love their children. It was what he told himself, over and over, as he waited for the buzz of the intercom that he knew would come. The same thing that he’d told himself over and over as a child. They’re not bad people, they’re just bad parents. Robert and Maryse weren’t necessarily ill-intentioned, they just weren’t particularly fit for the role that they had taken on. It begged a question that Alec had asked himself many a time. Why had they chosen to have children? They’d never shown much interest in their kids, none past surface level. Was it purely for the bragging rights? The, ‘Oh, that’s lovely. Mine was already talking by then, but that’s a lovely squiggle yours has made!’ Or was it simply because it’s the conventional thing to do? It had never made complete sense to him, and he doubted that anybody could have three accidents on that scale before changing something about the way they were operating. Never mind, adopting another that wasn’t even their own mistake in the first place. 

The harsh sound of the intercom jerked him from the bizarre spiral his thoughts had taken. Max stopped dead, nervous pacing coming to a sudden halt. “That’s them.” 

“Probably,” Alec agreed, reaching for the phone on his wall. “Hi?” 

“Alec. It’s me.” 

The greeting was far from warm, but it was a stretch from the level of coldness that he knew his parents to be capable of. “Oh, hi. Come up.” He pressed the key button on the intercom and heard the buzz that confirmed they had been granted entry. 

“Alec, what if they try to take me back? I’ve already got a job here, and I’m supposed to be enrolling tomorrow. They won’t let me without permission. What if they’re just here as a trick?” Max panicked. 

“Calm down, Max. Whatever happens, we can deal with it,” Alec said, shooting his best shot at reassurance but coming off as more than a little uncertain. Firmer this time, he added, “You’re not going back. Okay?” 

Max nodded. He didn’t believe Alec, and they both knew that. Nothing could be done to quell the doubt in his mind other than word from his parents. In fact, not even that. Max needed to see their actions before anything could change. His longstanding concerns, frustrations, anxieties and mistrust weren’t going to disappear overnight. 

“They’re here,” Max said. He had some of the best hearing Alec had ever known. He’d realised that they were outside Alec’s door seconds before they’d even knocked. “I’ll get it.” 

Alec smiled. Max had never been one to back down from a challenge. Lightwood through and through, that boy. “Sure.” He heard voices in the hallway, but only two. Alec couldn’t quite hear what they were saying, but he hadn’t heard a word yet from his father. The door pushed open moments later as Max came through first, followed by his mother. 

“Hi, mum,” Alec said. He wasn’t sure what to do, really. Usually he would give her a cursory hug, just to be polite, but that didn’t feel right. There was much too much tension to simply hug it out. “Where’s dad?” 

Maryse cleared her throat. “Your father... couldn’t make it. He sends his apologies.” 

Next to her, Max kept his mouth shut. There wasn’t a doubt in Alec’s mind that, less than a month ago, there wasn’t a chance in hell that Max wouldn’t have had some quip to make about that. Instead, he gave Maryse a small smile and said, “Well, it’s good to see you.” 

She sighed, looking down at her youngest son where he stood a polite distance away, making no attempt at even the smallest amount of intimacy. “You too, Max. Really,” she said.” It must hurt. It must. If Alec had a child and had somehow managed to do the same amount of damage that his parents had achieved, he wasn’t sure if he could live with it. “Alec, you too. It’s good to see you both.” 

“You too, mum. I’m really glad you could come. It’s a shame about dad, but...” he trailed off. There was no way to end that sentence that didn’t involve a certain degree of insult. “Well, it doesn’t matter. Um, do you want to sit down for a bit? You’ve had a long journey.” 

She shook her head. “I’m okay, don’t worry about me. Did you boys want to go out for lunch?” 

Alec nodded. “Uh, yeah, only if you want to.” 

There was only one place they could go, really. It seemed unfitting to take them anywhere else. Neither of them had ever been to the Cosy Club before, but since Magnus had introduced Alec to the restaurant, it had become one of his favourite places in the city. Not least for its memories of one too many nights out and a few too many drinks. Maryse was exceptionally quiet on the walk up. Usually, there would be a toss-up between her and Roberts’ overbearing personalities to decide which would garner more attention on that specific day. Alec was unaccustomed to seeing her like this. Quiet. Some would say, meek. 

“How’s everything been going then, mum? With the company and everything?” 

“Oh yes, quite average.” 

Alec frowned. His mother was not an average woman. They did not always see eye to eye on things, that was for sure. But neither of them had ever believed the other one to be average. The word wasn’t an insult, certainly not, but Alec had never heard his mother use it in reference to herself, and certainly not her company. 

“So, Max. Tell me about this school you’re wanting to go to,” Maryse offered. 

“Um, well, it’s really close to Alec’s. So, easy travel.” He glanced at his brother. “We even went to, uh, visit there. The other day. It seemed nice.” 

Maryse smiled, though it was the type of smile you’d expect to see from a mother discussing her son’s future school in a different state to her own. Forced, and not entirely genuine. Though, the part that Alec chose to focus on was that it wasn’t complete ingenuine, either. Alec was glad when they arrived, holding the door open for Maryse and then Max. They climbed the familiar staircase in silence, footsteps marking the air with each step as a reminder of just how little they really had to say to one another. 

Alec couldn’t hold back his smile when he caught sight of Arthur wiping down a table just behind the reception area. Not wanting to be impolite, he waited behind the desk until he was finished. “Oh, Alec!” Arthur said when he turned around, before schooling his features into something a little more formal. “Table for three?” 

Alec nodded. “Thanks Arthur,” he said, allowing himself to be led directly to a table under the windows. Swiftly, he took their drinks order and left them each with a menu. When he came back, carrying only a jug of water for the table, they all nodded their assent that they were ready to order. For the first time in his life, Alec witnessed his mother ordering a meat free meal. Max had asked for the Impossible burger and Maryse, seemingly as a last-minute decision, added, “Make it two.” 

Alec wasn’t the only one taken by surprise. “Since when do you eat vegan?” Max had demanded the second Arthur had left. 

Maryse was unmoved by his confusion. “I just thought I’d see what all the fuss was about,” she replied. 

“Fair enough,” Max said slowly. 

It turned out that Maryse was a fan. For once, she actually allowed an element of emotion to appear on her face. “This is nice,” she said, surprise clear. 

Alec snorted. “Did you think we’d been lying to you?” he asked, not unkindly. 

She didn’t answer him, instead taking another bite, this one even bigger than the last. There was never much need for conversation in the middle of a meal, and that fact alone was what tempted Alec to draw it out for as long as possible. His last few fries took five minutes alone, and by the time they were finished Alec was shocked to realise that Maryse had already been here for two hours. If she wanted to leave tonight, she’d have to be going soon. She hadn’t been so keen on driving in the dark in recent years, since she’d started having to wear glasses for reading, though neither fact was something that she would easily admit to. Alec wanted nothing more than for this to be a painless process, but he knew it couldn’t be. Not entirely, anyway. 

“So, mum. I really am glad you came, and I know we haven’t talked much about it yet, but I just want to make sure that you’re still on board?” he asked. “I mean, I know you were never really on board, not fully. But–” 

“Yes, Alexander. I know what you mean.” She sighed. “I’m not happy about it, I won’t deny that,” she said, casting a long look at her youngest son. Alec was proud to see that Max didn’t waver in the slightest. “But, well, what can I do?” 

“Well, whatever your reasons are, I’m grateful.” He paused. “I hope... one day dad might be able to come around too.” 

The walk back to his apartment was jollier than before, with a little spring apparent in Max’s step. This time, as they stood in front of Maryse’s car door saying goodbye, Max didn’t even hesitate before pulling her into a hug. Alec smiled, quickly following suit as Max released her. “Good to see you, mum. Drive safely.” 

Maryse smiled. “Good to see you too,” she said. “Both of you.” 

She climbed into the car and allowed Alec to close it shut for her. Giving her a small wave as she backed out of the space, Alec couldn’t help but feel a little adrift. Watching her car parked in front of the gate as it opened, he was hit with a surreal sort of feeling that he couldn’t quite place. It was akin to... disappointment. Not that there hadn’t been any arguing, of course, but more that there hadn’t been, just, more. Alec had built this up in his head, as he was sure Max had done, for what felt like an awfully long time. Now she was gone, he was hit with the striking realisation that it had all been rather anticlimactic. In a good way, yes, for which he had to be grateful for. But, anticlimactic, nonetheless. It was a step in the right direction, he was sure of it. The problem was, if he’d had to write a script as to how that interaction was going to go, not a single part of it would have been accurate. It was disconcerting to not be able to predict his family's thoughts and actions as he’d previously believed himself able to do. Perhaps he didn’t know his mother as well as he’d thought. Or, perhaps, they’d both been thrown into the deep end of an entirely new situation and were only trying their best to tread water. 

That night, Max was a lot calmer. If he had to guess, Alec would say that he was feeling a similar sort of jarring realisation as the events of the day actually sank in. Maryse had been reasonable, and neither of them were at all equipped to deal with that. He had a whole lot more to contend with, though, as he was supposed to be enrolling to his new school tomorrow morning. They’d discussed it briefly with Maryse and she’d given them permission to send all relevant paperwork her way to sign and scan back. If all went well, he’d be a student of Allerton High by the end of the day. Alec could only hope, and he had to accept that there was only so much he could do. The next morning, Max left for school at the same time that Alec left for work. He didn’t have the uniform yet, but Alec had lent him an old shirt that had never really fit him for Max to pair with his newest pair of black jeans. He scrubbed up well, appearing a lot older than Alec had ever seen him look. He couldn’t tamp down his nerves on behalf of Max who, on the contrary, looked calmer than Alec had seen in a long time. It wasn’t in Alec’s hands anymore, but that didn’t stop him from periodically checking his phone every half an hour. Tapping the desk with his fingernails in a habit that he knew annoyed those around him, he caught sight of Simon Lewis almost skipping his way over. 

He plonked himself down into the chair beside Alec and asked, “Have you got lunch with you?” 

“Yeah, you?” 

“Mhmm.” Simon nodded. “I think Magnus has just left. I saw him heading out to reception, so I guess you’re stuck with me. Come on, you can tell me all about how dinner with your mum went.” 

Alec narrowed his eyes. “Been talking to Isabelle, have you?” 

“What? Why would you say that?” Simon panicked. 

“Because you knew my dad didn’t turn up,” he said, rolling his eyes. “Duh. But, I’m not eating just yet anyway.” Alec’s eyes barely left his screen, frantically scanning over one of the many transcripts that had been forwarded to him late last night. 

“Why? But I’m hungry, come on!” 

Alec shook his head. “It’s twelve, the staffroom’s gonna be overflowing.” 

Simon grinned. “Yeah, so we go use the canteen.” 

Penhallow & Eilish had its very own canteen that the managers and higher ups tended to use, those that could afford not to bring their own lunch every day. It was unofficially used to give bragging rights to those that needed it. If a manager was showing around a potential investor, there was no doubt that they would stop off for a free meal in the canteen. If they weren’t buying lunch, they probably shouldn’t be using the facility. But, for that reason alone, it was often exceedingly quiet, even at this time of day. Alec’s penchant for rule following usually prevented him from making use of the luxury but, Simon was right, he really was hungry. 

“Fine,” he grumbled. 

“Oh, really? Great!” Simon was out of his seat faster than Alec even thought possible. “Let’s go!” 

The canteen was an impressive facility with whitewashed walls and, cleverly, dark grey floors and table tops. You name it, they served it. Even their vegan selection was spectacular, which was often not the case. Just to the left of the main entrance, it was in the prime position for those who were intending to show it off. Its position also meant that on their way to lunch, Simon and Alec had a clear view of the reception desk. 

“Oh, there he is! Hey, Magnus!” Simon called. “Oh, wait, is he with a client?” 

“Doesn’t look like it to me.” Alec frowned. “Who is that?” 

“No idea.” 

Simon watched in horror as the woman took another step closer, as if they weren’t almost touching as it was, before leaning in and pressing her lips to Magnus’. His eyes shot to Alec, just in time to witness the shock before it was neatly disguised. By the time he looked back over to Magnus, he had jerked his head backwards and wearing a well disguised expression of his own. The only difference was, Simon couldn’t tell what Magnus was hiding. It took him a moment to realise that Alec was already walking away. 

“Hey, Alec! Wait!” 

Alec didn’t stop. Simon was tempted to go after him. He shouldn’t be alone right now, not after what he’d just seen, but he could guess that Alec wouldn’t take kindly to being followed around. Especially by him. Shaking his head, he turned back around to see Magnus still talking to the woman. He couldn’t hear what was being said, but there was some clear distance between them now. He didn’t want to see anymore. Turning on his heel, he stormed back the way he’d came and made a beeline for Alec's desk but he was nowhere to be seen. Simon wasn’t hungry anymore. Too worried to even attempt a productive afternoon, he did the only thing he could even think to do in that moment. 

Hey, Izzy. You okay?  
_Delivered 12:13._

Magnus Bane was the last person he’d expected that from. Despite the reputation that proceeded him in certain circles, he had never been anything but kind to Simon. The more he’d gotten to know him, the more honest of a man Simon had seen him to be. Maybe it wasn’t how it had looked? Maybe they’d made a mistake? Simon shook his head. It didn’t matter, it wasn’t his business. He could only hope that it wasn’t what it had looked like, because if someone like Magnus could do that to someone like Alec, what hope did he have?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so relieved to finally have this up. I've been writing bits and pieces for days but I've been too busy with work to properly sit down and get something done. I know you're probably all hating me right now, but honestly I'm just so glad to finally have this finished.
> 
> For some reason, I started writing this whole story arc almost smack bang in the middle of it so I already have a lot of content for the next chapter. I know exactly where this is going (don't worry, I have a plan!) and with any luck it should be posted by the end of the week.
> 
> I will try my hardest not to keep you on this sort of ending for too long. It won't be more than a few days, I promise! 
> 
> Regardless of the ending, I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Thank you all for reading, as always <3


	45. so here i'll stay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning, angst. Sorry. Well, a bit sorry.
> 
> There will be a happy ending, I promise. But there's still five chapters left, and I can do a lot with five chapters ;)

Monday, 27th January 2020. 11:59. 

By the age of fifteen, Magus had already been waiting to meet the love of his life. He’d always known that when he grew up, he was going to be a husband and a father above anything else. His career had always been important to him, but not half as important as family. Magnus had been a romanticist for most of his younger years, some would say naïve. Either way, it had soon been knocked out of him. Life had taught him many valuable lessons along the way, none that he would forget anytime soon. One of those lessons had been that love hurts. It seemed simple enough from an adult lens but retaining that piece of information had taken him longer than he would like to admit. It had taken heartbreak after heartbreak to finally realise, somewhere in his early twenties, that love just wasn’t for him. It was nothing unusual. In fact, it was more common than you might think. Even those who proudly bragged of their flawless relationship would likely be with someone new by the end of the month. 

It had taken a special kind of person to coax Magnus out of his self-proclaimed bachelor lifestyle. He’d met her when he was twenty-five, he’d proposed to her when he was twenty-six. Then one year later, to the exact date, he'd left her. Camile Belcourt was a self-proclaimed sociopath who cared for nothing and no-one outside of herself. Magnus had spent much longer than he would care to admit, kidding himself into believing that he was the exception. He was the only one that she cared about. Her lack of empathy didn’t apply to him, because she loved him. It was what she told him, so it was what he’d believed, until he saw proof with his own eyes that her words couldn’t be further from the truth. From the very beginning, their relationship had been built out of mania, desperation and delusion. Magnus hadn’t seen her since the day he walked out on her, so when he’d received a call from Penhallow & Eilish’s receptionist late that morning, he certainly had not been expecting the visitor to be Camille Belcourt. 

“Hello, darling,” she purred. 

He took a step forward, lowering his voice. “What are you doing, Camille? Why are you here?” 

She smiled. “It’s lovely to see you too.” She leant backwards against the desk, crossing her legs neatly in front of her. Magnus couldn’t even bring himself to smile apologetically at Jared behind reception. Her consideration and respect for others had never been up to scratch, and he wasn’t surprised to see that nothing had changed in that respect. She didn’t seem to have changed in any other way, either. Dark hair cascading in loose curls over a blood red dress that hugged every curve of her body, she looked as sinister she had as the day that he’d finally slammed the door behind him on his way out. 

“You didn’t answer my question,” he growled. 

Her eyes flashed with surprise. “Well, hasn’t somebody lost their manners? What happened to you, dear?” 

“If you’re not going to tell me why you’re here, I have better things to be doing.” Magnus turned and started to walk away, completely unsurprised when she called after him. 

“Magnus. Stop.” 

He paused, but he didn’t turn around. Clearly, she was here for a reason. Camille wouldn’t turn up to his work just to mess with him. She’d done enough of that over the years, and the cold hard truth was that it simply didn’t entertain her anymore. 

“I need your signature,” she spat. “You happy now?” 

Slowly, he turned to face her. “Not really, no. Why do you need my signature?” He took a few steps closer. There was nobody around other than Jared, but it still wouldn’t hurt to keep whatever this was as a private matter. He’d had enough of office gossips making him their spectacle in his day. Camille seemed disproportionately empowered at his meagre steps forward, as if she was somehow so captivating that he couldn’t resist the pull of her. He shook his head as she moved even closer, but didn’t bother to move away. “Just tell me. I don’t have time to mess around.” 

“Shame,” she whispered, leaning in until he could feel her breath against his cheek. “I remember a time when we used to... mess around, all over this place.” Camille smirked. 

He tutted. Looking her square in the eye, he asked, “What do you want?” Each word was punctuated with a slight pause, his voice firmer than he ever remembered being with her. Perhaps his soft spot for Camille Belcourt was finally hardening. 

She only smiled. “You may have developed a bit of a stronger bite now, Magnus, but you’re nothing compared to me,” she warned. The look in her eye was unmistakeable to Magnus; it was pleasure. She was loving every second that she managed to hold his attention for. “I could rip you to pieces, if I wanted to,” she murmured. Then, without warning, she gripped the back of his neck with her left hand, claws digging sharply into his skin, and shoved her lips against his own. 

For a moment, he was frozen, too shocked to comprehend what was happening. But it didn’t take long to sink in. He jerked his head out of her grasp and took a step backwards. “Enough,” he ordered. “Never do that again, Camille. Never.” Her grin was one of the most antagonistic things he’d ever seen. He desperately wanted to turn around and walk away, but it wasn’t worth the satisfaction. If she really needed him to sign something, she would only keep crawling back here until he did it, but he wanted rid of her for good. “Tell me what you need me to sign. You have two minutes and I’m gone.” 

She sighed, but it was more out of resignation than anything else. “I never got around to closing our shared bank account,” she admitted. “I’m... making a purchase. But your name was on the account and then I tried to close it, but I need your signature. You know, so they don’t think I’m trying to rob you.” 

“Fine,” he said. There was no issue with what she was asking for. They’d split everything fairly when they’d separated. Camille was well off enough that she had absolutely no interest in his money, she would rather hurt him in much more personal ways. He only wished that she could have sent the papers in an email instead of subjecting him to having to see her face. “Give me the papers,” he ordered. Magnus watched as the slipped them out of her bag where they’d been neatly folded and handed them over along with her engraved pen. Only a true narcissist would have their own initials inscribed into their stationary. “It’s just a shame you came all the way down here for this. Wouldn’t an email have sufficed?” 

“You don’t think I thought of that, darling?” she drawled. “They required it to be signed in person. I’ll drop the documents off later today.” 

He scrawled his signature in the box she was pointing at then thrust them back at her. Forcefully, he twisted the pen to retract the nib, then paused for a moment before twisting it back in the other direction and shoving it back at her. Let her fiddle around with it instead of him, he thought. Watching the little smirk on her face, he was momentarily disappointed in himself for succumbing to that display of pettiness. He almost wished he could take it back, but not that badly. No matter how embarrassing, at least she would know just how much he really did hate her. “There. Now, kindly, fuck off.” He spun on his heel and stalked away. She called after him, but he didn’t stop, not a small victory. Still shaking, he couldn’t bring himself to go back to the office right away. Pacing slightly as he stressed over where he could go to escape prying eyes, he wondered where Alec was. Probably not having lunch, it was far too early for him. 

Alexander, are you still at your desk? Fancy skipping out for lunch with me?  
_Delivered 12:19._

Magnus found himself in the bathrooms, perched in an empty stall with his head in his hands. It wasn’t the most dignified of places to end up, but at least it was private. No response from Alec yet. He knew that the other man had taken to keeping his phone switched on in his top desk drawer since Max had arrived. Close enough that he could hear it, but without actually being a breach of company policy. If he hadn’t replied, he must be out on a case. That left him with Simon. There was always the option of keeping this to himself, stewing all afternoon while he tried to get his head back into the job, but he wanted to vent. He’d learned the hard way that locking everything up and throwing away the key wasn’t the most productive way of addressing his emotions. In fact, it wasn’t addressing them at all. 

Simon, are you around?  
_Delivered 12:22._

He waited a few minutes, but no response there either. He sighed. They must both be busy. He couldn’t stay in here much longer, not least because of how uncomfortable it was. Standing up, he stretched out his back and slid the latch to unlock the door. Keeping up appearances, he rinsed his hands in the sink before marching straight back out towards the office. Camille was gone, so there was no need for his head to be held so high, but he kept it up anyway. He wouldn’t admit it but seeing her again had shaken him. Now, more than ever, he needed those defences that protected him so well from the outside world. She didn’t control him anymore. If she called, he wouldn’t come running. He’d proven that to himself today, but it wasn’t quite enough to keep him totally unaffected by her sudden appearance. The only thing that would help him was time. Camille staying away indefinitely was the only thing that could keep him from ever feeling this way again. But, just because he felt uncentred, off balance, didn’t mean that he wasn’t still the strongest he’d ever been. He was not in love with Camille, he hadn’t been for a long time, if ever. Magnus was stronger for the torment she had put him through, he knew that. It didn’t mean he was untouchable, though. 

Swinging open the door to the office, he was surprised to see that Alec was exactly where he’d been when Magnus had left, at his desk. He breathed a sigh of relief, almost running over to his boyfriend. 

“Alexander! I’m glad you’re here,” Magnus breathed. “I thought you were out. Did you not get my text?” 

Alec didn’t look up, eyes fixed to his screen. “Um, no.” 

“Do you fancy getting some lunch? Somewhere else, not just in the staffroom?” He propped himself up on Alec’s desk, looking down at the other man. His eyes still hadn’t moved from the screen. “I’ve had quite an eventful morning.” 

Alec snorted at that. “Sure.” 

“Oh, has yours been worse?” He grinned. “Come on, tell me about it over lunch. We can maybe even fit in a cheeky cocktail.” 

Alec shook his head. “I’m too busy, Magnus.” 

He was disappointed, but not shocked. Alec was a dedicated man, not the sort to skip out on work and give himself a long lunch just because he felt like it. Still, Magnus wasn’t one to give up without a fight. “You definitely can’t be persuaded?” he asked, reaching out a hand to brush against Alec’s where it gripped the mouse. He startled when Alec jumped backwards, pulling his hand towards his chest. “You alright?” 

“Fine.” 

“Just stressed?” Magnus asked. He could sympathise, without a doubt. He was accustomed to long days, sleepless nights, complaints from clients that had left him seconds away from tearing his hair out and meetings in which he’d ground his teeth so hard he could have sworn he’d started to taste grit. It wasn’t difficult to empathise with whatever Alec was going through, but it didn’t mean that he wasn’t concerned. Finally, Alec took his eyes away from his computer and looked up. Magnus was shocked to see tears in his eyes. “Alec?” 

Roughly, he shook his head. “Magnus. Not now. Can we just talk about this later?” Then, as quickly as it had come, the eye contact was gone. Alec was back to staring at his screen, rather blankly, Magnus noted. 

“Of course, Alec,” he said. His head was spinning to all kinds of possibilities. Over the phone, Alec had told him that the lunch with Maryse had gone a lot better than he’d expected, but he hadn’t sounded overly enthused. Maybe he’d been less than truthful? Or maybe Maryse had simply changed her mind in whatever truce she’d apparently tried to forge? “If you need to go home for the afternoon, I’m sure no-one would mind. You could still be working–” 

“Magnus,” Alec snapped. He was still staring at the screen, but his gaze was angrier now. “I’m fine.” 

Magnus shifted off his desk, standing up straight next to him. “Okay. You know where I am if you need me,” he offered, then turned around and walked away. That hadn’t been exactly what he’d envisioned in terms of a stolen hour or two with his boyfriend as he got his head around the calamity that his morning had turned into. He sat himself back down at his desk. It was lunch time, but he wasn’t really hungry now. He wasn’t upset with Alec; everyone was allowed a bit of a bad day. He just wished that their bad days hadn’t coincided, because he really needed someone to lean on right about now. 

It wasn’t the end of the world, he knew, not by a far stretch. Magnus had been through worse, and he probably would go through worse again, but it didn’t mean that this moderate pain didn’t still hurt. He sighed. Oh well, he thought, let’s just hope that Alexander isn’t broken up about anything too serious. The thought of Alec suffering at the hands of something that was out of his control was probably the most painful thought he’d had that day. It was a nice realisation, that he truly had moved on from Camille and her heartless, brutal ways. He’d moved on with Alexander, and he’d never been happier. Magnus could only pray that the same could be said for Alec, and for them both for many years to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is a lyric by Ed Sheeran - Eraser. It's the continuation of the last chapters title... I am happy on my own, so here I'll stay. Oof. That one has always hit me hard, especially as the angsty teen that I once was. Still am, I guess... I do tend to forget that sometimes.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this, even if you also hated it a bit too. Comments are always welcomed, even if you want to yell at me! I promise I don't mind. Thank you all once again for reading x


	46. i don't believe whatever this is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick story for you all. I laughed out loud when I was editing this because moments before I went to proof read it, I received a comment on chapter 12 in which we explore Alec's past and the fact that he kissed somebody else when in a relationship, telling me that I had no respect for the LGBT community and was perpetuating a harmful stereotype. Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with promiscuity and I think that one mistake doesn't make somebody 'a disgusting piece of crap' as they put it, but this person thought that Alec's unfaithful kiss was 'unforgivable.' I had already written this entire chapter before I received the comment and simply went back to edit it earlier, so the comment didn't influence what I wrote at all. But, it is a pretty hilarious coincidence. When you read the first six or seven lines, you'll know why I burst out laughing xD

Monday, 27th January 2020. 16:07.

Despite Alec’s best efforts, his mind was void of anything useful. The only thing he wanted to think about was Magnus and that woman, but it was simultaneously the last thing he wanted to think about. Obviously, Magnus wasn’t cheating on him. For a start, a kiss is hardly cheating. It’s unfaithful and dishonest, but it’s nothing unforgivable. It’s the intention behind the action that would always be unforgiveable for Alec, but he was certain that Magnus didn’t have bad intentions. He’d believed Magnus when he’d told Alec that he loved him, and he still believed him now. It just didn’t make any sense. If Magnus were cheating on him, he certainly wasn’t going to do it at work right in everybody’s faces. So, if it was all so innocent, why hadn’t he just come over and told Alec? He’d pretended as if nothing was wrong when in reality, everything was the furthest it had been from alright in a long time. 

His head was spinning back to Joseph and every foolish red flag he had ever overlooked. Maybe Magnus had been intending to tell him, and that’s why he’d been so insistent that they go out for lunch? But then he could have just told Alec the truth then and there, said that there was something he needed to talk to him about. What if it was just an old friend, or old girlfriend, and Magnus didn’t think it even warranted an explanation? If Alec hadn’t seen it, there wasn’t much point telling him, right? So that left Alec wandering, should he tell Magnus he’d seen the kiss, or simply pretend that it hadn’t happened? He wasn’t even sure that he could ignore such a thing, but he had no idea how to start that conversation. He wasn’t accusing Magnus of anything, he was just _confused._ It was moments like this that made him miss the loneliness, crave those old days in which there had been nothing to be confused about. He knew where he stood with his siblings, and nobody else had really cared about him. It had been sad, but simple. 

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Magnus glancing up and back down every few minutes, probably concerned. Alec checked the time on his desktop. Technically, he shouldn’t even be packing up for another eighteen minutes, but he couldn’t sit here a moment longer. Getting up, he walked swiftly over to Magnus’s desk and stood stiffly in front of him. The office was relatively quiet, with most people already making a beeline for the exit in the hopes that a manager wouldn’t happen to walk through and notice the empty chairs and cold computers. Magnus looked up expectantly as he approached. 

“Do you still want to go for lunch?” Alec asked. “I need to talk to you about something. If you’re not busy, that is.” 

Magnus’ smirk was a mixture of amused and bewildered. “It’s 4pm?” 

Alec shrugged. He hadn’t actually eaten yet, but he really wasn’t hungry. “Yeah, I meant more just, to talk. But if you need to go home–” 

“No.” He shook his head. “I don’t need to go home. Though, if you don’t actually mean lunch, we could just stay here? Everyone seems to have cleared out already so we’ll probably get more peace than in a bar somewhere.” 

Alec did a quick scan of the room and nodded. “You’re probably right,” he said, voice kept low. Hesitantly, he pulled out the chair beside Magnus and sat down, spinning it around so they could face one another. His mouth was too dry and he was convinced that beads of sweat would soon be forming on his forehead, but he couldn’t back down now. “I, uh, well, it’s not really anything. Well it kind of is, I think.” He swallowed, keeping his eyes fixed to his fingernails. “I don’t know.” 

Magnus didn’t reach out, but he did lean forward in his chair. He tried his best to catch Alec’s eye, but the other man was staring determinedly at his lap. “Is it Max?” 

That did get his attention. Alec looked up and shook his head. “No, he’s fine. Don’t worry about that,” he assured. “It’s something else.” The words were stuck in his throat. He blinked rapidly, but his vision was still blurred. “I just, earlier... I wasn’t meaning to see it, and I’m not saying... I just had it in my head that we needed to talk about it later, but now I don’t know what to say and I wish we’d just done it earlier because I’ve been feeling sick all day,” he blurted. There was no stopping him now that he’d started. “It was just, that woman at reception, I was going for lunch with Simon and I saw...” He trailed off as he saw the stricken look that took over Magnus’ face. “I’m not accusing you of anything!” He reached out a hand in desperation. “I just don’t understand.” 

Magnus shook his head. He opened his mouth, but it took a second for any words to form. “I can’t believe... no wonder you didn’t want to talk to me!” he exclaimed. The corners of his mouth were upturned, but only slightly. “I’m sorry you’ve been so worried.” He shook his head. “Alexander, that was my ex. She came by asking me to sign something, we used to have a shared bank account and apparently she never got around to closing it. She can never resist a chance to make me uncomfortable, that’s all it was.” 

“Wait, you signed something? Did you–” 

“Yes, I read it,” Magnus smiled. “What do you take me for?” 

“Sorry, I just–” 

“I know, I know. I’m teasing you.” Magnus grabbed a nearby chair and dragged it around so it was in front of him, then pushed back and stretched his legs out, resting his feet on the chair. It wasn’t exactly proper work etiquette, but it wasn’t like anybody was around to see. “Don’t worry. I read it. I wouldn’t put anything past her.” 

“She sounds like a real piece of work.” Alec grimaced. 

Magnus huffed. “Yeah, if you want to put it lightly.” He sighed, smiling sadly at Alec. “It’s all in the past now, of course, but Camille did haunt me for a long time. First, the relationship, and then the memories of it. Let’s just say, it wasn’t an amicable separation.” 

“Magnus, I’m sorry I was weird with you earlier. I was just freaked out, but it was stupid. Of course it wasn’t anything bad,” he said. Alec caught his gaze and held it, making sure that Magnus could see his eyes as he spoke. “I trust you, Magnus. You know that, right?” 

“Of course I do,” Magnus said. “It wasn’t exactly the most normal thing to see. I’d have been surprised if you weren’t surprised.” He reached out to tap Alec’s arm with his foot, grinning. “It’s nice to know that you weren’t happy about me galivanting off with my ex. I would have been a bit offended if you weren’t upset.” 

Alec returned Magnus’ jibe with a light slap on his leg. “Oi, move up then.” Alec pushed his own chair backwards so he could bring his feet up next to Magnus’. He couldn’t remember ever being this comfortable at work before. “Course I was upset. The thought of anybody kissing you other than me is... well, it’s a bit shit.” 

Magnus looked at him then, more sincerely than he had before. “I don’t want anybody else kissing me either. Especially not her,” he added with a shudder. 

“Do you want to tell me?” 

“How much time do you have?” Magnus joked. 

Alec shrugged. “I’ve got nowhere to be.” He gently nudged Magnus’ foot with his own. “Come on. Open up. You can do it.” His smirk was playful and his tone light-hearted. It was exactly what Magnus needed in that moment. There was no pressure, no great drama, just a conversation. 

He couldn’t hold back a laugh at Alec’s face, more pleased with himself than he had a right to be. “Shut up, you. I open up plenty.” 

Alec raised his eyebrows, not saying a word. Magnus descended into a full-blown bout of laughing. “Such an idiot,” he got out in between breaths. “Fine, fine. Get ready for some sadness,” he warned, but he was still grinning. Never would he have anticipated that recounting some of the worst moments of his life could be so easy. “It was just the typical one-sided relationship,” he began. “I loved her a lot more than she ever loved me. Well, that’s if we ever even loved each other. Who knows?” he sighed. “I cared for her a great deal, and looking back, I know that my feelings weren’t returned.” 

The words were flowing from him without second thought. Alec had straightened his face but he didn’t look sombre, instead just lending an ear as Magnus talked. “You know when you’d give your life for somebody, but they can’t even lift a finger to show you that they care?” He waited until Alec nodded. “Well, it’s usually because they don’t. But in Camille’s case... she’s just a very damaged woman. It wasn’t that she didn’t care, it was just that she didn’t even have the capacity for it,” he explained. “If I’d have offered my life for hers, not only would she have happily accepted, but she’d still have asked for more.” 

That made Alec flinch. “I’m sorry,” he offered, shaking his head in clear disgust. 

“Yeah, me too.” Magnus smiled softly. “She isn’t a good woman. She never was. I gave her everything that I could, I don’t know how I could have done more. It was never a healthy relationship,” he recalled. Shifting slightly in his chair, he ended up with his right foot resting gently against Alec’s left. They were too far away to hold hands, so that would have to do. “She was cruel, hurtful for no reason. She would tell what to wear – or should I say, what not to wear. She’d expect every minute of my spare time to be spent with her, but only when she wanted. If she felt like a night out at a moment’s notice, I was controlling if I was even slightly put out. Yet, she would guilt me into cancelling plans I’d had for months because we hadn’t seen much of each other lately, or she was having a bad day and really needed me to stay with her.” 

Magnus jerked his head to the side as the door on their right clattered shut. Through the glass pane in the door, they could just about see the edge of a familiar black and red uniform. One of the cleaners had clearly been into the store cupboard and grabbed their supplies without either of them noticing. Perhaps the loud bang of the door had been a hint for them to clear out so the cleaners could get to work. 

“Cleaners?” Alec asked. 

Magnus nodded. “Maybe we should go?” 

Alec frowned. “I’m sure they won’t mind. We’re not doing any harm.” 

“What if we’re in their way?” 

“They normally just do the bathrooms, don’t they? They can always ask us to leave,” Alec pointed out. “Plus, we could be having a very official meeting in here for all they know.” He smirked. 

“Since when did you get so cheeky, Alexander? I think I must be rubbing off on you.” 

“You can if you like?” Alec suggested. 

“Alec!” Magnus exclaimed. “Firstly, that was terrible. Secondly, since when do you make jokes like that? I’m almost a bit proud!” 

“You know what they say, couples do blend into each other eventually. Next thing you know, I’ll be painting my nails.” 

Magnus sat up straight. “Hey, don’t joke about that,” he warned. “You cannot get my hopes up and then let me down.” 

Alec shrugged. “I’m not getting your hopes up. You can paint my nails all you like, Izzy always used to.” 

“She did? Why have I never been told this?” Magnus was leaning so far forward in his chair that it couldn’t be comfortable with his legs still propped up, but it didn’t seem like he’d even noticed. “Please can I paint your nails? When can I do it? Tonight?” 

“I should probably go home tonight, what with it being Max’s first day and all. Tomorrow?” 

Magnus nodded gleefully. “It’s a date.” 

“Nothing too bright though. Not hot pink or anything like that.” 

Magnus scoffed. “Alec, who do you take me for? I am a very skilled man when it comes to fashion. I cater to my client’s preferences. Do you really think I would give you bright pink nails?” 

Alec tried to contain his laugh. “Clients?” 

“Shut up.” 

“Seriously, Magnus? Clients?” 

Magnus nudged Alec’s foot, harder this time. “Hey, I was telling you my sad story,” he said. 

“Right, right,” Alec said, forcing the smile from his face. “Go ahead.” He watched as Magnus relaxed back into his chair, seemingly nonchalant, but with an air of sadness about him that Alec could barely stand to see. 

“Yes, so, as I was saying. It was always a poor excuse for a relationship, but it took me finding her in our bed with another man for me to see that. Even then, it took me a while. It wasn’t until a few weeks after I caught her that I actually left her,” Magnus explained. He noted the surprise on Alec’s face and he wasn’t shocked. It wasn’t easy to admit that he’d stayed with her after that, but it was the truth. “She told me she was sorry and I believed her. I know nothing can ever make what she did okay, but I truly did believe that she’d changed. I believed that people could change in general,” he said, wild motions conveying just as much as his words. “Now, well, I’m not sure if they can or not. But I know that she hasn’t.” 

Alec waited until the breath turned into a pause. “Why did you leave her? If you don’t mind me asking?” 

Magnus smiled. “Course not. It was when I realised she was still cheating on me,” he confessed. “I went through her phone. Which, if you feel the need to do that, it clearly isn’t a healthy relationship anyway, but regardless. I found messages, lots of them, from many different men. It clearly hadn’t been a one-time thing, a mistake, like she’d claimed it to be.” He smiled softly as he said, “I knew it would kill me if I stayed, so I left.” 

“Jesus. What a bitch.” 

Magnus stared at him for a moment before he burst out laughing. “Yeah,” he wheezed. “Pretty much.” 

Alec joined in too, more out of relief that Magnus was laughing. It was a tragic tale to have to hear from anybody, never mind from somebody who he knew that he knew couldn’t deserve any better if he tried. No individual’s actions could ever merit the earth-shattering confusion, self-doubt and insecurity that came with being cheated on, but especially not Magnus. He was inherently selfless and utterly undeserving of such treatment. Alec seethed at the thought that somebody had hurt him in such a way, but more than angry, he just felt sad. Alec was devastated on behalf of the man he loved that, at one point in his life, he had believed his own worth to be equal to that of Camille’s. Whoever this woman was, she was in no way comparable to Magnus and Alec’s heart crumbled at the thought that he hadn’t known that himself. 

“I’m glad you left,” Alec said. 

Magnus huffed. “Yeah, me too.” He shook his head, seemingly in disbelief at his own actions. It wasn’t an uncommon concept to Alec. He had his fair share of demons that had been known to rear their ugly heads every once in a while, forcing him to take a long hard look at the appalling ways in which he had treated himself in the past. It wasn’t nice, but it was necessary. The door opening once again jolted them from their little pocket of harmony. This time, the man in uniform shot them a questioning look as he stalked over to the supplies closest. It wasn’t totally unfair, Magnus knew. They were voluntarily still sat at work on a Monday afternoon for no apparent reason. He looked over at Alec who was clearly having the same realisation. “Should we go?” 

“Probably,” Alec agreed. 

Somewhat reluctantly, they pulled themselves up from their chairs, logged their computers off and headed into the staffroom for their coats. They moved mostly in silence, not much needing to be said. They parted ways at the front entrance of the building, just outside the main road. They were walking in opposite directions, so not much excuse for staying together. Neither of them went in for a proper goodbye. There was nothing technically wrong with a relationship at the workplace, but it wasn’t anything that either of them particularly wanted to be common knowledge. Though it went unspoken, their paranoia stopped them from giving into the temptation of a goodbye kiss. It really wasn’t needed though, as their look said it all. 

Magnus gave Alec a soft smile and said, “Thank you for listening, Alexander.” 

Alec shook his head. “I wish you had a name like mine, so I could full-name you all the time too.” 

Taken aback, Magnus let out a sharp laugh. “You can shorten my name. You’ve got Mag, or Nus?” 

“I’ll stick with Magnus,” Alec said. Taking a step backwards, he said, “Thanks for telling me, Magnus.” 

“You’re very welcome,” he grinned. They both knew that they could stay there all night, drawing out their goodbye on the pavement in front of their work, but they really shouldn’t. Magnus took a few steps backwards and called, “See you tomorrow, Alexander.” 

“See you, Mag.” 

“Watch it, you!” 

But Alec was already walking away. Magnus watched him go, feeling slightly pathetic, but not really caring. Nothing was perfect, not ever. But Magnus’ life was a lot better then, than it had been a year ago. Magnus just had to focus on making that a reoccurring pattern, that was all. Simple enough, in theory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is a lyric by iDKHOW - Absinthe. It sort of goes with the chapter in the sense that Magnus cannot believe that Alec has been worried about this all day and Alec cannot believe what a shitty person Camille is, but basically I just used the lyric because my iDKHOW - 1981 Extended Play vinyl arrived today and it's bright red and so fucking stunning and I'm obsessed with it! And I was listening to it as I wrote the chapter and I just wanted to use the lyric. So, yep.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the chapter, and I hope you don't think that anybody who makes a mistake once in their life is a disgusting piece of crap. I hope you don't think that we must hate anybody who kisses somebody else while they're in a relationship because, if you do, then you must hate me too. I know this may seem rather petty of me (because it is) but I don't think LGBT people should be held to higher standards than anybody else. We are all human, we all make mistakes. Forgive others or one day, you won't be able to forgive yourself.
> 
> Much love to you all and thank you once again for reading.
> 
> Ash <3


	47. nothing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I haven't posted in a few days which really frustrated me because I've been so excited for the next few chapters but I was just struggling to sit and write them. I've been super busy with work but I think I've sorted that now, and I'm just feeling better in general (probably hormones and shit) so hopefully the next few chapters shouldn't take too long! It's bittersweet because the next few chapters are also the last, but I know I'm not saying goodbye to them forever. It's more of like a see you later, I think. 
> 
> I'm off to drink more coffee and probably write the next chapter because I've become randomly productive at 10pm so fuck a sleeping schedule, fuck work in the morning and just fuck my life really. So, yes, I hope you enjoy!

Friday, 31st January 2020. 17:16. 

“Max?” Alec called. He wasn’t particularly expecting a reply. His brother spent more time with his earphones in than he did without. Alec actually worried that he was going to get tinnitus one of these days, but the day that Max listened to anybody else’s concerns about his own health and safety was the day that they all simultaneously dropped dead. “Max?” he shouted, a little louder this time. 

“Yo!” Max replied, shouting over his evidently too-loud music. 

Alec shook his head and motioned for Max to take his buds out. “Jesus, how loud were those things?” He pulled off his coat and went to hang it up in the bedroom, motioning for Max to follow him. “You alright?” 

“Yeah, fine,” Max replied. “Normal day,” he added, anticipating Alec’s next question. 

“Normal?” Alec asked as he pulled his shirt off over his head. It was the first thing he did on a regular day, never mind today. The only things on his mind were ridding himself of the confines of his suit and pouring a strong drink down his neck. “Not got any details for me?” 

Max smiled, rather shyly, Alec noted. “Nope.” 

“You sure?” Alec persisted. He blindly fumbled around in his drawer, growing increasingly more frustrated as he struggled to locate his favourite t-shirt. It was equal parts comfortable and old, so it was of no great consequence if he added another stain or rip to the collection it already held. 

“Check under your duvet,” Max said. “You were wearing it last night.” 

He was right. The shirt was indeed crumpled into a ball under the creased bedsheets and askew pillows that passed for Alec’s bed. Triumphant, Max backed out of Alec’s room with a grin. “You know, if you’d made your bed that probably wouldn’t have been an issue.” 

Alec was extremely tempted to launch the cloth ball in his hands at Max’s retreating form, but he knew that he’d only have to go and pick it up again so instead settled for a mumbled, “What are you, my dad?” He quickly shed his layers, this time hanging them back up tidily in his wardrobe, before joining Max in the living room. Without hesitation, he went straight for the top cupboard and pulled out a bottle of gin that had been tucked neatly behind a box of cereal in preparation for Maryse’s visit. “Sorry, Max,” he said. “It’s been a long day.” 

Max kicked his feet up onto the couch, watching Alec as he poured himself a moderately sized measure and topped it up with tonic. “Alec, aren’t you setting a bad example there?” 

“Nope.” 

“You sure?” 

“Yep.” 

“So, you’re saying that when I’m older, every time I have a stressful day, I should just drink?” 

Alec tutted. “Yes, that’s exactly what I’m telling you.” He gave Max’s leg a light smack before motioning for him to move his feet. “I’d offer to make you one, but that really would be a bad example.” Flopping onto the couch, he did feel a little guilty. Not only for the example he was setting, but also because Max could only watch on as Alec drowned his sorrows in a way that would continue to be out of his reach for another five years. His justification was simple, it had been just that kind of a day. Not for any particular reason, just, one of those days. “So, school. Learn much?” 

Max grinned. “Yeah, tons.” 

“What’s that smile about?” Alec questioned. He shifted so he could face Max before shooting him a sly smile. “You’ve got a crush.” 

Max jumped out of his chair faster than if he’d been offered a free pint. “What are you talking about? How did you know that?” 

Alec smiled, smug as an adolescent Jace after a successful pick up. “I didn’t, till you just said that.” 

“Oi!” Max yelled. Gracelessly, he pounced over to Alec’s side of the couch, shoving his brothers head down in a mock playfight. It resembled the way that he and Izzy had played together as kids. They’d both learnt an array of sports and martial arts as kids, and they certainly hadn’t been afraid to practice on one another. The opposite, in fact. When Jace had joined them, they’d only become even more competitive. There was no competitiveness behind Max’s actions in that moment, but there rarely ever was. Max’s only aim was to divert the attention away from his admission and Alec had absolutely no intention of letting him do that. 

“Go on, Max,” Alec laughed, protecting his head from the onslaught as he spoke. “Who is it? Tell me!” 

“Piss off!” Max was laughing too much for the words to hold any weight, but he tried, nonetheless. “I’m not telling you shit!” 

“Fine, fine.” Alec held his hands out in a gesture of surrender. Then, the second Max began to retreat, he lunged for the younger boys' sides and began mercilessly tickling him. He levered himself so that his legs pinned Max’s and went to town, delighting in Max’s giggles and shrieks. 

“No!” Max yelled. “I’ll get you back for this!” But he couldn’t even straighten his face for the threat. “Get off, get off me Alec!” Finally, he sent a pleading look Alec’s way and shouted, “Stop!” 

Alec backed down, still laughing to himself. “That’ll teach you.” 

“I will get you back for that,” Max promised, fixing his shirt before wrapping his arms around his knees where they were pulled up to his chest. 

“I don’t doubt that,” Alec replied. 

Max glared at him, shuffling further away for the extra theatrical flair. “Well, I had some news to tell you, but now you’ll just never know.” 

“Oh, that’s not gonna work on me, Max,” Alec said. “You’ve got no news, and even if you did, you’d crack before me.” 

Silently, Max grabbed his phone from the table and began tapping away with fervour. Clearly doing his best to ignore Alec, Max refused to even look in his direction. Smiling, Alec just pulled out his own phone and started checking his messages. 

What time will you be back at the office today?   
_Received 12:48._

Crap, sorry Magnus. I completely forgot to reply to this. I just got home and pissed Max off by guessing that he’s got a crush on someone from school and then trying to tickle the truth out of him... how was your day? x   
_Delivered 17:32._

It took less than five minutes for Max to give in. “Fine!” he yelled. “I’ll tell you. Jace and Clary have got some news. They’ve invited us all out for lunch tomorrow.” 

“Oh, right. Did they say what it was?” 

Max rolled his eyes. “If they’d told me, I wouldn’t have just said, ‘some news,’ would I?” 

Alec tutted. “Whatever. You’re such a teenager.” 

“Oh, like you’re any better?” 

Alec held out for a moment before admitting, “No, you’re probably right.” He paused for a moment. “Right, I’m texting him.” 

He did, but to no avail. Jace refused to tell Alec what the news was. He refused to even give him a hint. So did Clary. It was unusual, for them to arrange a get together like this with a specific intention. Usually, they were either spontaneous or with only one clear objective which was to consume vast amounts of alcohol and have limited recollection the next day. Nothing more, nothing less. The obvious options all crossed his mind of course, and Max easily convinced himself that the news was going to be on the more severe end of the scale. The next day, he spent the entire morning speculating over whether he was going to have a niece or a nephew and making a list of names that he would permit Jace and Clary to use. 

“Jesus, Max. They’re probably just getting a cat, or something. 

Max squinted at him. “Yeah, a cat. Sure. They’ve brought us all together to tell us they’re getting a cat.” 

He was right, Alec knew. It wasn’t just him and Max. Isabelle had been invited, along with Simon and even Magnus. It was flattering for Alec to know that the pair of them considered Magnus to be invite-worthy, especially when the event was earmarked for family only. But it did raise the question of, why had they all been summoned? 

Jace and Clary didn’t keep them in suspense for too long. They’d all met up at East 59th, the very same bar in which Magnus and Alec had spent hour upon hour staring out from the balcony, watching the pedestrians with a peaceful sense of dissociation to the rest of the world. It became apparent, before too long, why they had chosen that exact location. With each of them crammed around one small circular table on the terrace, it was Clary who made the announcement. Hand resting on Jace’s, she looked up with the softest smile on her face and said, “Jace proposed.” 

There was an immediate uproar, cheering, clapping, Max banging on the table and Simon desperately trying to hold in his tears. The noise was broken by none other than Magnus. “I’m assuming you said yes?” he asked. That brought on a whole other chorus of clamour, everyone breaking out into laughter before posing questions of their own. 

“When did he propose?” Simon asked. 

“Why didn’t you tell us sooner?” Isabelle demanded, quickly seconded by Simon. 

“Why are you getting married? Max chimed in. “Is Clary pregnant?” 

Alec interrupted the dim with a question of his own. “Guys, guys. Leave them alone for a minute. The only question we need answering here is, did Jace get down on one knee?” 

There group appeared to concur with that, each of them staring expectantly at the happy couple as they awaited their answers. The pair of them just grinned, clearly too infatuated to mind any of the teasing. “It was last weekend,” Jace said. “I was waiting to tell you all in person, but with Maryse coming up we thought we’d best wait.” Then he looked at Max. “Cos we want to, and no she’s not pregnant.” He spared a questioning glance at Clary who laughed and shook her head. “Nope, not pregnant.” Finally, he turned to face Alec and gave him a smile. “Yeah, course I did.” 

“He can be quite the romantic, when he wants to be,” Clary chirped. 

Alec grinned. “Yeah, I’ve yet to see that.” 

“How did it happen? Was it planned? Wait, where’s your ring?” Izzy questioned. 

Clary reached into her jeans pocket and slipped out a sleek, black, velvet box. “In here,” she said, gently easing the lid open. There was a collective gasp from Isabelle, Simon and Magnus as the sun caught the diamond just at the right moment and it glinted in an objectively beautiful way. Jace, Alec and Magnus just exchanged an amused look as the others admired the ring. It was beautiful, Alec could recognise that, but it was certainly nothing to gasp over. Maybe when it was his own ring, or his own finance, yes. He was thrilled for Jace and Clary, of course, but it was nothing more than a ring to him. The others, though, were entranced as Clary slid it from the box and onto her finger. She beamed with joy as they swooned over the sight of it. 

While Clary launched into the story of how he’d finally popped the question, Alec turned to Jace and smiled. “Good going,” he said, clapping Jace firmly on the shoulder. “I’m happy for you.” 

Jace grinned in response. “Thanks, Alec.” 

Max started to quiz Jace about his thoughts on the concept of marriage, refusing to accept Jace’s reason for proposing simply as, ‘I wanted to.’ Simon and Clary had ended up in a never-ending embrace, each of them looking just that bit closer to tears every time Alec spared them a glance. Magnus and Isabelle were already deep into wedding planning, despite the fact that neither of them were currently engaged. It startled Alec when his phone started to ring and he was even more surprised to see Maryse’s name flashing up at him. Not wanting to disturb the party, he eased himself from his chair and tucked himself away into the corner of the balcony before swiping to accept the call. 

“Hi mum?” 

By the time he returned, it appeared that a party had appeared out of nowhere and was now in full swing. There was a pitcher of some sort of cocktail on the table, likely courtesy of Izzy, and half a dozen glasses all being filled and passed around. “We’ve just ordered six bottomless brunches, Alec,” Jace called as he got closer. “Something underage friendly for Max too,” he added, sending a cheeky smile in his younger brother’s direction. 

“Bottomless brunch?” 

“Yeah. Why’d you think we picked this place?” Jace grinned. 

Alec shook his head, but his disdain was entirely feigned. He was up for a celebration just as much as the next man. “Right, well. You’d better make that seven,” he replied. “That was mum, she’s downstairs.” He didn’t miss the way that Magnus stiffened, sitting up just that bit straighter in his chair. “She said you invited her?” 

Jace stumbled, only for a moment. “Yeah... uh, yeah I didn’t think she’d show though. No dad?” 

Alec shook his head. He glanced in Max’s direction. “Not surprising.” 

“Well, I’m glad Maryse is here,” Clary smiled. “She can celebrate with us!” 

“Did you tell her the news?” Izzy asked. 

Jace nodded. “Yeah, over the phone.” 

Izzy glared at him. “Wait, so you could tell her over the phone, but not us? We had to stay in suspense?” 

“Yep, you did,” Jace agreed. They'd only just stopped flipping each other off by the time Maryse circled around the doors and onto the balcony. 

Instinctively, Alec reached to grab Magnus’ hand under the table. “Sorry about this,” he whispered. 

“You have nothing to apologise for, darling,” Magnus replied. But his assurance clearly didn’t apply to himself, judging by the way he eyed up his own outfit with sudden distaste. It was a frightening thing, meeting the parents. Well, Alec had heard. He’d never actually had to do it himself, but it sounded like a rather horrific experience. He did feel guilty that it had been sprung on Magnus like this, but in a way, maybe it would be better. There’d been no build up, no awful anticipation and certainly no opportunity to overthink things. This way, there was no denying that the interaction would raw and honest, and what more could you want from a first meeting? There was only one way to find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cute, right?
> 
> Come chat to me in the comments, I love it xx


	48. left

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Midnight uploads are my favourite uploads. I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Saturday, 1st February 2020. 12:09. 

There was no time to question Magnus further before the inevitable first meeting was well and truly upon them. Maryse smiled as she walked over to them. “Hi, everyone,” she said, smiling in Max’s direction before turning to Jace. He’d instinctively stood to pull her into a hug, wrapping both arms around her and holding on tightly. “Congratulations, Jace,” she said, the warmth in her voice almost unrecognisable. 

“Thanks, mum,” he replied. Alec was struggling to remember a time in which he’d seen his brother so happy. He’d been an extremely broody teenager, but that had been knocked out of him as soon as he’d met Clary. Since then, he’d been a continuous bundle of positive energy, never a frown on his face as long as she was in the room. But, even for Jace, this was a whole new level of contentment. “I’m glad you came,” Jace said as he released Maryse from his arms. The mention of Robert went unspoken, but it didn’t go unheard. 

It was Clary’s turn next as Maryse pulled her into an embrace not dissimilar to the one she’d had from Jace. Though, after that, it appeared that she had reached her capacity for hugs. Maryse never had been an affectionate woman, and it honestly surprised Alec that she’d even hugged Clary. Instead, she took a seat in the only remaining chair, directly opposite to Alec and with Max and Simon on either side of her. Alec was flanked by Magnus and Jace, with Isabelle and Clary to the left and right of them, respectively. They formed a neat circle, despite being slightly squished with the odd limb splaying out at an odd angle and the occasional kick under the table as they squirmed around for more room. They could easily have split off into two smaller groups, but none of them had any inclination to do so. 

Jace took the lead with the introductions. “So, Maryse. This is Simon, Clary’s friend, and Magnus...” He faltered slightly, gaze flicking to Alec and waiting for a slight nod before finishing, “Alec’s boyfriend.” 

Maryse smiled at them. “Lovely to meet you both.” 

“You too, Mrs Lightwood!” Simon exclaimed. He began his usual stream of babble, leaving Maryse looking somewhat gobsmacked as the trail of words left his mouth. “I’ve heard so much about you. Well, not so much, I mean, I’ve heard a bit. It’s lovely to put a face to the name though! You have such wonderful children, you must have a great job with them,” he enthused, then cast a glance at each Lightwood sibling in turn. Visibly distressed, he seemed to only dig himself in even deeper. “I mean, obviously it’s a combination of lots of things. There’s the whole nature and nurture argument to think about...” Finally, he seemed to realise that the best option was to cut his losses and shut his mouth. 

“I think what Simon meant to say was, hi, nice to meet you,” Izzy grinned. 

While a chatter started up about the upcoming wedding, Alec cast a sideways glance at one man who still hadn’t said a word since Maryse’s arrival. “What’s up?” he whispered. 

Magnus shook his head. “Nothing.” 

“You sure?” 

“Just, this isn’t what I would have chosen to look like had I known I’d be meeting my boyfriend's mother today,” he admitted. 

Slowly, Alec slipped his hand over to Magnus’ where it rested on his frantically bouncing knee. Giving a gentle squeeze, he murmured, “You look stunning, Magnus. Like you always do.” He stroked his thumb along the back of Magnus’ hand, trying to be as reassuring as possible with just a simple touch. It was completely true, he did look stunning. Dressed in a deep burgundy shirt, swirls of gold flashing along his torso and leading all the way up his arms, he looked more quintessentially Magnus than Alec had seen him in a long time. He tended to dial down his appearance for work, dressing in plainer suits and duller colours. They were no less remarkable, especially on Magnus, but they were nothing like this. He would rarely ware makeup, but if he did it was only a light smattering. Clearly though, he’d been a lot more generous that morning, with his eyes painted in an array of browns and liberally lined with a thick, black pencil. His jewellery too was much flashier than he would wear at the office. His chest was decorated in silver pendants, hanging tantalisingly against his bare skin, for at least the top five buttons of the silk shirt had been left undone. 

“I just wish I’d dressed a little more... sensibly,” Magnus explained in hushed tones. His eyes were trained on the rest of the group, but his words were only meant for Alec. 

Firmly, Alec tightened his grip on Magnus’ hand and held on tight. He kept his voice low but turned to look his boyfriend in the eyes. “You look like yourself. You don’t have to tone yourself down for anybody,” he said. “I’m sorry this was sprung on you, really, but you have nothing to worry about.” He leaned in just that bit closer and whispered, “I love you.” 

Finally, Magnus turned to look him in the eye, a small smile on his face. It wasn’t something they said often, not for any particular reason apart from it still being a newly introduced aspect of their relationship. Love wasn’t something that could ever be seen as black or white. Alec sometimes thought of it like a flower, it could start as something small and solid before growing an expansive body of its own. There were levels to it, different species of the same flower. There was the first level in which you would suffer from a borderline obsession with the object of your affection. Then came the mellow brand of intoxication that allowed for security in your relationship. It led with calmness and serenity above all else, the infatuation dimmed but ever present. The ultimate level was something that Alec had never seen for himself. 

In his opinion, Jace and Clary fit most closely to the second definition. They’d known each other for years and had long since settled into the reality that they’d built for themselves, but it was hard to declare eternal love unless you’d at least seen a decade through with somebody. If you’d survived a mortage, a marriage, children and potentially even grandchildren, all while managing to sustain a genuine amount of happiness throughout it all, Alec would be satisfied that you were worthy of that final declaration. He hoped that Jace and Clary would only continue to blossom until they made it to that final realm. 

For now, he and Magnus were in that first level of intense infatuation, and Alec couldn’t be happier. He didn’t need to shout his love from the rooftops to be secure in what he felt for Magnus, and what he knew Magnus felt for him. Though, in moments like this one, a bit of reassurance couldn’t hurt. 

“Yeah,” Magnus whispered. “I love you too.” 

“Right, so, I need everybody’s attention!” Jace announced. He’d never been one to shy away from the spotlight and today was clearly no exception, not that Alec had ever expected it to be. “I need to say something,” he declared. “So, as you all know, there’s certain roles in a wedding. Bride, groom and all that.” He took a moment to shoot a stern look at Max whose eye roll had given away his temptation to interrupt the speech with some comment or other about the outdated tradition of weddings. “I’m going to need a best man. I think we all know who the obvious choice is here.” He smiled, softer than putty. “Alec? Will you?” 

Alec couldn’t tame his grin. He didn’t even try. “Will you get down on one knee to ask me?” 

“Oh...” Jace’s eyes flicked to their mother before back to Alec’s. “Get lost,” he said, clearly settling for a much kinder retort than he usually would have. “Don’t feel obliged, your highness. I have plenty of other siblings that I can ask.” 

“Oh, don’t pout. Course I’ll do it, you moron.” He smiled then, reaching for the glass that Izzy had filled almost to the brim. “I’d be honoured, Jace,” he said, raising his glass carefully into the air. “To Jace and Clary. Couldn’t be happier for you.” 

His toast encouraged another round of cheers and Max’s signature table-banging. He was awfully excited for someone who believed marriage to be nothing more than a scam to thrust couples so far below the poverty line that they could never quite claw their way back above it. Watching the scene play out in front of him, Jace’s face must honestly be starting to hurt. He hadn’t been able to wipe off his grin since they’d first sat down. He turned to Max, slightly apologetic, but still smiling maniacally. “No offense, Max, but Alec does look better in a suit than you do. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you wear a suit.” 

Max gave a mock two fingered salute in Jace’s direction. “None taken.” 

Tactfully waiting for the noise to simmer out, Clary turned to Simon and said, “Okay, my turn.” Once again, there were tears building up in her eyes, but this time she made no attempt to hold them in. “I know traditionally a maid of honour is a woman, but who cares about tradition? Right, Max?” she asked, sending a wet smile in his direction. “Sorry, Iz,” she said, voice unsteady. “I mean, I do love you, but Simon is my family.” With that, she lost all resemblance of composure, giving in to the best kind of tears. “I couldn’t imagine... being stood at an alter... with anyone other than him,” she bawled, taking short gasps of breath in between each fragmented sentence. “Well, and Jace, of course,” she laughed. 

Simon’s eyes were just as wet, threatening to spill even more than hers were. “Clary,” he said, clearing his throat after his voice cracked. He sent a sheepish look in Isabelle’s direction, but she just grinned at him. “Clary, I would be honoured,” he choked. Simon moved closer and wrapped both arms tightly around her slight frame. 

Alec let them have their moment, but he couldn’t resist chiming in altogether. “Jesus, so now I have to stand at an alter with Simon bloody Lewis. Is it believable to say I already have plans that day?” 

Magnus gave Alec a playful nudge on the shoulder. “You wouldn’t miss it for the world.” 

Alec shrugged. “Eh, I could take it or leave it.” 

The day progressed in much the same fashion. They did make use of the bottomless brunches, but likely not as much as they would have done had they not been collectively responsible for safely escorting a teenager back home, not to mention meeting parents for the first time and attempting to reconnect with your mother after years of a strained relationship. It only seemed like good practice to remain somewhat sober. It happened accidentally, Alec running into Maryse on his way out of the restroom. She was heading towards him, head down, and almost walked straight past him without even realising. 

“Mum?” he called. She looked up in surprise, and Alec was taken aback to see a momentary lapse in her carefully constructed persona. If Alec didn’t know any better, he’d say that she was fighting back tears. “You okay?” he asked carefully. 

“Yes, yes of course,” she said. “It’s just this whole engagement, it’s emotional for a mother to see, that’s all.” 

She made to walk away from him but Alec called her back. “Wait, mum.” She turned around, teary smile plastered on her face. Maryse wasn’t heartless, but she certainly wasn’t the sentimental type. “Mum, are you sure you’re okay?” he asked. “You can tell me anything, you know? Is it dad? Is he...” Alec didn’t even know what he’d been going to ask, but he certainly would have forgotten even if he’d known, with one look at Maryse’s expression. 

“I’m fine, Alec,” she snapped. “Stop asking questions.” 

There was a time, Alec knew, that those few words would have been enough to keep him quiet for days, even weeks, but he knew better now. There was no need for him to hold in his words of love, his questions of concern, his moments of weakness. Alec didn’t need to hide or filter himself, because he didn’t need anybody’s approval but his own. He was worried about Maryse, so he was going to ask her if she was okay, and there was nothing in the world that could stop him. 

He shook his head. “It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me, but I’m not going to stop asking.” He stooped his head slightly, finding a better angle at which to catch her eye. “I’m just worried, that’s all,” he explained. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you cry.” Maryse said nothing, which Alec took as more of a positive sign than a negative one. “There’s nothing wrong with it, but if there’s something you’re not telling me... well, you can. That’s all.” 

Maryse drew in a breath, scanning the crowd behind them for any familiar faces before returning her attention to Alec. “I... look, it doesn’t matter. This is a happy occasion and I’m not here to ruin that for everybody,” 

“You don’t have to. You can just ruin it for me,” he offered, only partly joking. “I don’t mind at all,” he promised. “Trust me, I’ve had many happy occasions ruined before, but that’s usually not the first thing that comes to mind when I think of them,” he rattled on. “Like my graduation. I was so torn up for that entire week, something to do with having a crush but still being in the closet, I think.” He waved a hand, as if the careless motion would make him feel any less exposed about what he’d just said to his mother. “But I barely even remember what it was now, I just remember that night with the cake and the–” 

“Icing,” Maryse interrupted. 

“Yeah, the one that Izzy must have poisoned,” Alec laughed. “I mean, bless her, it was so sweet of her to bake me a cake. But it was borderline inedible.” 

“It wasn’t borderline anything, Alec. It was a health hazard,” she said in typical Maryse fashion. Drier than gin and with no punches pulled. 

Alec snorted. “Guess you could say that.” He paused for a moment, unsure whether to jump onto the easy change of subject or to pursue his original line of questioning. In the end, he didn’t even need to decide. 

“Promise me you won’t tell the others,” Maryse ordered. “I need to tell them myself, and this isn’t the right time.” 

“Yeah, agreed.” Alec nodded. He had no inclination to spoil everybody’s fun with whatever bombshell Maryse was about to drop on him. In truth, he didn’t particularly want to spoil his own fun either, but this was his mother after all. No matter whatever had been said or screamed or shouted between them, Alec loved her and he knew she loved him too. It wasn’t even a question. Some parents didn’t have an ounce of love for their children, he knew, and others even managed to harbour hate for them. But, no matter her imperfections, that had never been the case with Maryse. She wasn’t a cruel woman, she was simply flawed. But, who wasn’t? 

“Your father... he’s...” Maryse faltered. She dragged in a sharp breath and held Alec’s gaze but her resolve waivered, quivering like her bottom lip. 

Alec cringed. “Is dad cheating on you?” 

With that, Maryse crumbled. She turned her face to the ground, swallowing down her anguish. When she looked up, her eyes were glistening. “You can’t tell Isabelle,” she begged. “She worships Robert. I can bear it, but it would destroy her.” 

Quickly, Alec wrapped his arms around his mother and pulled her to his chest. He felt the resignation emanating from deep within her as she laid her head on his shoulder and let out a sigh. “Come and stay with us, max and me,” Alec murmured. “You don’t have to go back to him.” 

Maryse gave Alec one last squeeze before pulling away. “I wish I could stay,” she whispered. “More than anything.” Her voice hardened then, firm and unshakeable in a way that made her sound much more like herself. “But I have to get back to my work.” 

"Why?” Alec asked, not unkindly. “Let Robert take care of that.” 

“I can’t let my problems interfere with my job,” she insisted. “The business, it’s... we built that thing from nothing. It’s mine, I worked hard for it, I earned it,” she stressed. “I won’t let him take that away from me.” 

Alec nodded, his expression grim but accepting all the same. “It’s your choice, but it wouldn’t be the end of the world to take a break,” Alec pointed out. “It wouldn’t have to be permanent.” 

She shook her head. “If I left, it would only be harder to return,” she confessed. She took his hand then, nodding to where she knew the others were sat. “Go on, you go. I’ll join you soon. We have a lot to celebrate, after all.” Maryse dropped his hand and turned away. Alec watched her go, still catching up to the information his mind had just been swamped with. Slowly, he made his way back to the balcony where it was easy to plaster a smile across his face and feign a good laugh. He was elated for Jace and Clary, there was no denying that, but it was hard to feel only happiness while half of this thoughts were taken up by his father's betrayal. It wasn’t the end of the world, he knew, but it certainly wasn’t pleasant. He and Maryse had their issues, they were both aware of that, but adultery was something entirely different. Maybe Alec was becoming a cynic in his old age, or maybe he was just starting to see how cruel people could really be, even to the people that they claimed to love. Alec wouldn’t have believed his father to be capable of it but sadly, it surprised him less than he would have expected. Watching the people that he loved all crammed together around a far too small table, he vowed to never cause them this feeling of shocked numbness in his life. He would do everything in his power to protect each and every one of them, but he knew that it was futile. Soon, Maryse would break the news of Robert’s affair to his siblings and their pain would be out of his control. For now, though, he could watch them as they laughed and pretend that they would never have to stop. It was a lie, but it didn’t really matter.


	49. to

Saturday, 1st August 2020. 17:16. 

The ceremony was beautiful. Alec wouldn’t have expected anything less, especially not from Jace and Clary. They’d put the whole thing together in six months, almost to the exact date, clearly with no interest in waiting. In the same way that Alec envisioned for his own wedding one day, they’d boycotted the flowers and the décor and the first dance. Instead, they’d pulled together a group of their favourite people all into one room and had the simplest, most romantic and all-round best night of their lives. They’d ignored many of the traditions, but they had saved a few. They’d gotten ready separately, with Clary sleeping at Isabelle’s the night before and Jace staying home. Izzy had done Clary’s makeup that morning, reluctantly adhering to her instructions to keep it simple. Jace had donned his smartest suit, a sharp black shirt and jacket that somehow, on Jace, was the furthest thing from drab. Clary had shunned the usual white wedding attire for a deep, dark gown that shone like a ruby when caught in the light. When they’d recalled their vows, Alec couldn’t remember ever seeing them so happy. 

The reception was already in full swing, held in the same room in which they’d tied the knot less than an hour ago. The only difference being that they’d swung open a pair of heavy double doors that led to a small seating area and, of course, a bar. They’d stacked up the rows of chairs to turn the aisle into a dancefloor. It wasn’t fairytale, and that was exactly why it was perfect. Though, despite its perfection, it couldn’t be said that the day didn’t hold flaws. The first being Robert and Maryse sat on separate sides of the room and another being that Max and Isabelle had refused to speak to their father for the past six months. 

“Do you think they’ll ever forgive him?” Magnus asked. He and Alec were sat on the side-lines, watching the scene as it played out in front of them. Jace and Clary were half embracing, half dancing Andy Williams’ ‘Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You’ in the centre of the main room, dim lights giving them the kid of ethereal glow that you usually only saw in heavily edited photographs. Jocelyn and Luke were doing what they’d been doing all day, gazing at the pair of them with tears in their eyes, occasionally turning to give one another a soft smile before looking back at the happy couple. 

“Yeah,” Alec answered. “I think they will. They’re angry with him, but they’re not... they know that he’s only human. He’s infallible, same as them.” 

Simon and Izzy were not so subtly sharing drinks at the bar, sat so closely that she might as well abandon her chair and just make full use of his. They hadn’t made anything official yet, at least not to the outside world, but their relationship was glaringly obvious. Alec attributed their silence on the matter to Isabelle’s refusal to ever be less than perfect. In her mind, if she was to announce a relationship with Simon, that would mean there was now pressure for them to continue in such a way. Whereas, if nobody knew they were together then the relationship couldn’t fail because it had never really started in the first place. Sooner or later though, they were going to have to confront the situation head on. Especially after tonight. 

Alec looked over to where Max sat alone, next to where his phone was connected to the sound system. They’d started off with a selection of classics that Jace and Clary had already pinpointed for the night. First was a group rendition of Foreigner’s ‘I Want to Know What Love Is’ which couldn’t have been more out of tune if they’d tried. Seal’s ‘Kiss from a Rose’ and Whitesnake’s ‘Is This Love’ had gone much the same way, but as the requests had slowly started to trail off, Max had begun to just choose from his own playlist. He hadn’t looked up from his phone in at least ten minutes. He hadn’t looked at Robert all night. 

“Have they ever done this before?” Magnus asked. 

Alec watched as Jocelyn and Luke picked themselves up and joined Maryse at her table. She’d had her phone out almost all night, recording every move that the newlyweds made. Alec had never known her to be so sentimental, though he’d also never known any of her children to get married before. Potentially, it had drawn out a side of her that they’d only previously seen glimpses of. He shook his head. “No, but Robert’s never cheated on mum before.” 

Max looked up at that moment, staring directly over at Alec. He knew there was no way Max had heard him, but it was a little unsettling regardless. Max stood up just as Katrina & The Waves’ ‘Walking On Sunshine’ started to play, leaving his phone attached to the speaker and making his way over to Maryse and the others. Magnus smiled. “Those two are getting along better, aren’t they?” 

“She’s come a really long way,” Alec agreed. He laughed as he watched Max stand and hold out a hand. “He’s never gonna get her dancing,” he said. Though not long after, he was eating his own worse as Maryse took the proffered hand and allowed herself to be led to the dancefloor just in time for Scissor Sister’s ‘I Don’t Feel Like Dancing’, which Alec thought was rather ironic. 

“I can’t believe that’s the same woman that he moved across the country to avoid,” Magnus said, disbelief clear in his tone as he watched the pair of them prance around on the dancefloor. “How much has changed in such little time.” 

“I guess maybe your own son choosing to leave home at sixteen, your eldest son letting him move in with you and then finding out your husband has been having an affair will have an impact on a person, even Maryse,” Alec said. He couldn’t contain his laugh as Jace began to dance to ‘Hips Don’t Lie’ with almost as much sass as Shakira herself. “Obviously it’s not perfect, but everything is a lot better now. I think it was just, something had to break, you know? We couldn’t keep going the way we were.” 

“Do you think your parents will ever work through things?” Magnus asked quietly. 

Alec’s response was quick. “No. I don’t want them to. He cheated on her.” 

Magnus nodded. “No, I know. I wasn’t saying–” 

“I know,” Alec assured. “It’s just, it’s not unforgiveable, I know that. It’s one of the worst things you could do to a person, but it’s not like he killed someone. We will move past this, but there’s a difference between moving past it and getting back with the person,” he explained. “It’s not unforgiveable, but it’s certainly not healthy.” 

“Seconded,” Magnus said, though his eyes weren’t on Alec. He’d barely been able to tear his eyes away from the dancefloor all night. “They’re having fun.” Jocelyn and Luke had joined the four of them, and Izzy was half-dragging Simon that way as they spoke. 

Magnus didn’t even have to say a word for Alec to know exactly what he was thinking. He pre-empted Magnus’ next question before he could even formulate it. “I’d feel bad on dad,” Alec said. “You know he’d never get up there, so he’d be left out.” 

Magnus grinned. “Alec, you might not be giving him the cold shoulder, but I know that you’re pissed at your father. Not only would you not feel bad about him being on his own instead of with his wife that he cheated on, you would actually believe that he deserved it. Which, no offense, but he does.” 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Alec insisted. “In fact, I’d best go and say hi. Do you want to come?” 

Magnus laughed, though a lot more sparingly with the derision than he could have been. Magnus and Maryse had met a handful of times already, the first being the impromptu family gathering when Jace and Clary had announced their proposal. Since then, she’d been up to see Max maybe once a month. The first time, she, Alec and Max had spent the day in the shops, gone out for dinner and then waved Maryse goodbye in the morning. The second time, as they’d been making plans for the upcoming weekend, Maryse had actually asked if Alec’s boyfriend wanted to join them. She’d explained that they hadn’t had a chance to speak much when they first met and said that he would be welcome to join them if he wanted too. It made perfect sense, but Alec would be lying if he said he hadn’t been shocked at the invitation. Magnus had been able to half the self-doubt that he’d felt the first time while he was anticipating the second meeting. For a start, he’d been pre-warned and wasn't left wearing something that he didn’t feel comfortable in. It had gone well, and Alec couldn’t have been more pleased if he’d tried, though he knew that reaching the same place with his father was going to take more time. 

Since Max was refusing to speak to him, Robert had thought it best to stay away from Alec’s for the time being. The first time he’d met Magnus had been earlier that day as Robert had, by chance, pulled up at the same time as Max, Alec and Magnus. Haughtily, Max had stalked straight up the steps and into the building, not looking back even once. That had left an undeniably awkward atmosphere behind him, which Alec had made incrementally worse by fumbling over the introductions. “Uh, dad, hi. This is, um... my, Magnus– my boyfriend. Magnus.” 

Ever the smooth talker, Magnus had taken a few strides forward and held his hand out for Robert. “It’s lovely to meet you,” he’d said, lying through his teeth. Alec couldn’t remember ever loving him more. Alec knew that he was holding back his distaste over Robert’s actions for his benefit and he did appreciate it, but it did make him doubt whether or not he was being too soft with his father. Max and Izzy hadn’t spoken to him since Maryse had told them the truth. She’d done it over a video chat, unable to travel but unwilling to keep his secret any longer. They’d been distraught, but that had quickly given way to anger. Jace had only invited him to the wedding out of a sense of duty, combined with trying to set a good example to his younger siblings. If he could forgive them, surely they could too? That hadn’t happened as of yet, but Alec truly believed that they would mellow with time. 

“Well, I should still go and talk to him for a bit,” Alec decided. Though, before he’d even had the chance to stand up, Robert had beaten him to it. He made his way over to Jace and Clary, pulling each of them into a hug in turn. He cast a glance at his wife and two youngest children who were all pointedly ignoring him, before making his way over to Alec. 

“I’m going to make a move, Alec. It’s been lovely to see you,” he said. Alec stood instinctively and opened his arms to his father. Their embrace was short and swift, with Robert being the first to pull away. “It’s a shame your siblings aren’t being as level-headed as you are about this whole situation, but I’m hoping that their views will fade with time.” 

Alec straightened his back, making use of his full height. “Dad, they have a right to be upset,” he said. “I’m not being level-headed, I’m just trying to make this easier on the family. Don’t kid yourself into thinking that I don’t think what you did was despicable, because I do.” 

“Alec–” 

“I’m not finished,” he interrupted. “They won’t change their views, not ever. Their anger will fade, yes, but their opinions will stay the same.” He let out a sigh. “Now I’m finished.” 

“Alec, your mother and I have always had a complicated relationship,” Robert began. 

“It’s not complicated,” Alec snapped. “You cheated on her.” 

“I made a mistake. I never meant to hurt you, but I fell in love. You of all people should know what that’s like–” 

“Magnus isn’t an affair!” Alec lowered his voice as quickly as he’d raised it. “I shouldn’t have said anything, this isn’t the time,” he muttered. “I’m glad you came, dad.” 

Robert nodded curtly. “Me too. It’s been good to meet you, Magnus.” 

Magnus had been diplomatically examining his electric blue fingernails, painted to match the trim of his jet-black suit, throughout the entire conversation. Once Robert’s attention turned to him, Magnus stood up abruptly and held out his hand. “You too,” he smiled. It wasn’t genuine, but Robert didn’t need to know that. 

“Enjoy your night,” Robert said, and then he was gone. His walk to the other side of the room would have broken a record has they timed it, Alec was sure. 

Magnus turned to Alec, looking like a cat who’d just pounced on a juicy mouse. “Well, looks like that’s your excuse running out of the door, tail between its legs.” 

Alec was well and truly defeated. Stubbornly, he sat back down on his chair. “I can’t dance with you. I’ve hurt my leg.” 

Magnus refrained from rolling his eyes, though Alec couldn’t explain how or why. “You’ve hurt your leg,” he deadpanned. 

“Yes.” 

“When?” 

“Um, about five minutes ago.” 

Magnus cracked at that, letting a treacherous smile seep out from behind his stern stare. “Alec, if you don’t want to, you don’t have to, but I’m going,” he said. “It’d be a shame if you were sat here alone.” 

“I don’t think it would be,” Alec said. 

Unwilling to lose any more time, Magnus gave Alec a fond smile and a small wave before heading in the direction of the fun. Alec loved to dance, he really did. Once he’d gotten started, there was no stopping him. It was just the starting that was the issue. Every damn time he had to suffer through a bout of nerves, insecurity and embarrassment before he could even find a rhythm, let alone enjoy himself. It was frustrating, but definitely not something that was going to get in the way of him embracing tonight. It was his brother’s wedding, for god's sake, and if he couldn’t let go tonight, when could he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Duuude, the final chapter is almost completely done. I could cry. I'll post it tomorrow, maybe tonight if I feel like it. I'm just trying to put off posting it because then this is actually finished and then that's just sad.


	50. want.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck it. I'm posting it today. I'm not going to write a huge mess of words about my mixed emotions in regards to finishing this because I think I've already covered that. To sum up - I love this. It means a lot to me. Thank you for supporting.

Saturday, 1st August 2020. 16:48.

Determinedly, Alec made his way over to the bar for a round of drinks. Cleverly, Magnus had already ordered a handful of his favourite cocktails and had them waiting on a table to save him walking back up to the bar each time, but Alec hadn’t had that ingenuity. He also knew that if he were to buy multiple drinks under the guise that it would last him longer, he’d just end up drinking them in the same amount of time than if he’d ordered the one. He was flawed like that. 

Spotting him, Maryse ducked out of the group and made a beeline for him. “Alec, how are you doing?” 

“Great, mum,” he assured. “You?” 

She looked behind her, back towards the mess of bodies and sweat and movement. “They look so happy.” 

“They do, don’t they?” 

The bartender spotted them waiting and slid through the hatch that led to another bar front in what appeared to be a second private function room. “What can I get you?” 

Alec gestured for Maryse to go first. “Just a gin and tonic, please,” she said. 

“I was thinking of getting a shandy for Max,” Alec told her. “What do you think?” 

“Better he does it here with us than anywhere else,” she said. 

“My thoughts exactly,” Alec agreed. He ordered his own beer and a shandy for Max. “On second thoughts, can you add a shot to that?” 

“What kind?” 

“Whatever’s strongest,” Alec said. “Well, maybe not strongest.” 

That earned him a laugh. “We have vodka, though I wouldn’t recommend shotting it. I can make you a Jägerbomb?” 

Alec had heard the term before. Hell, he’d probably drank whatever it was before. The fact that he couldn’t remember it filled him with confidence that this was probably the kind of drink he was looking for. “Sure,” he agreed. “Let’s have that.” He turned to Marse and grinned. “Want one?” 

She shivered. “Oh, lord no. I haven’t taken a shot of anything since... well, the last time I did, I ended up pregnant. So, that ruled that out.” 

He let out a sharp laugh of disbelief. “Oh my god, mum. Which one of us?” 

“Your brother,” she admitted. “You father had just been offered that job in London. We had some friends over and it turned into a rather wild night of celebration. Though, if that hadn’t happened, I might never have taken you kids over there with him,” she explained. “We only made that decision because I was pregnant.” 

“Well, I’m glad you did,” Alec said. He accepted the shot he was handed gratefully. He remembered now, a Jägerbomb was a shot of Jäger dropped into a larger shot of red bull. “I have some good memories of London. Not a lot, you know, but a few.” Before he could overthink it, he put the glass to his lips and tipped his head back. He couldn’t get it all down, but he managed a good two thirds of it in one gulp. Grimacing, he asked, “Were any of us actually intentional?” 

“Jace was,” she quipped. 

Alec burst out laughing, the sound forced from his burning throat. “Sure,” he said, voice hoarse. Swiftly, he finished off the remains of the lighter fuel liquid and grabbed his drinks from the counter. “Let’s go make Max’s night,” he said. Maryse followed him as he strode onto the makeshift dancefloor, not even having to call Max to get his attention. Cutely, he managed not to stare as they walked over. “Here you are, Max,” Alec said, holding out the glass. “Don’t drink it all at once.” 

Max couldn’t keep the uncertainty off his face as he glanced at Maryse, until she reassured him with a wink. “Enjoy,” she said. He grinned as he took the shandy from Alec. 

“Cheers,” he said, tapping his glass lightly against both of theirs in turn. 

Alec gulped down a third of his pint and dumped it on the nearest table. The second he turned around, the song switched over. Grinning, he scanned through the bodies to find Magnus. The other man was clearly having a similar thought, eyes meeting Alec’s in the same way. It was unclear who moved faster, but it didn’t really matter once they were inches away from one another. Magnus grabbed Alec’s waist and pulled him in, just close enough that he didn’t have to strain to make himself heard. “Do you remember?” 

“Of course I do,” Alec replied. The music was loud enough that they had to raise their voices, but not quite loud enough that they had to shout. “That stupid fucking Christmas party!” 

“Hey!” Magnus yelled. “Without that stupid fucking Christmas party, you and I would never have gotten together!” His hips were swinging in time to the beat, Alec assumed entirely unconsciously. “Rihanna can basically take the credit for our entire relationship!” 

“Why Rihanna? There were hundreds of songs playing that night!” 

Magnus’ movements were getting wider with each swing, taking up more and more of the dance floor but nobody seemed to mind. He stilled himself, though not completely, and only for long enough to lean in and say something just for Alec’s ears. “This was the first song I got you dancing to. I realised how sexy you were when you weren’t talking.” 

“Oi!” Alec laughed. He tried to land a playful swat on Magnus’ arm but he twisted gracefully out of reach. Focusing on ducking out of Alec’s way, Magnus found himself backing straight into Maryse. Alec cringed on his behalf, but he needn’t have bothered. Instead of floundering, Magnus simply offered his hand to Maryse and pulled her into his embrace. Before he even knew what was happening, Alec was watching his mother and his boyfriend twirl around on the dancefloor like a pair of professionals. It was superbly surreal, and one of the best moments of Alec’s life to date. He watched as Max abandoned his half-drunk shandy next to Alec’s pint. Grabbing his brother’s hand, he brought him right back onto the dancefloor. He couldn’t ever remember feeling this content, not for a long time. 

He watched as Jace left Clary’s side for the first time that night, heading directly to the bar for a refill. It took approximately three seconds for Simon to blurt something incoherent to Isabelle – Alec was on the other side of the room, but he didn’t need to hear it to know that it was incoherent – and for her to wave him off with a smile. Joyously, he bounded up to Clary and took her hand. It had clearly been paining him that he hadn’t been able to dance with her yet. Jace returned from the bar with a smile on his face, leaving their drinks on the table and taking Simon’s place next to Isabelle, but it didn’t take long for them to all descend into something that resembled a mosh pit. There was nothing that even gave the illusion that anybody was dancing with anybody else, they were all just throwing their bodies around in earnest. 

Izzy quite literally jumped for joy when ‘Show Me Love’ by Robin S came on overhead. She made it about two lines into the song before wrapping both hands around the back of Simon’s head and kissing him full force. It wasn’t exactly gentle, and it made quite a statement, which Alec assumed had probably been two of Isabelle’s main priorities. Clearly, her lowered inhibitions had allowed her to give way to something she’d wanted to do for a long time. Alec admired the guts and he was glad that she’d decided to embrace her relationship. He knew from experience how awful it was to feel like you need to lie and hide and sneak around. It gave you the feeling that you were doing something wrong, even when you weren’t. Despite it being Alec’s responsibility as a big brother to scare away any inadequate suitors from Izzy’s path, he knew that there had never been a need for that. Izzy was twice as scary as he was with double his ability to tell apart a good person from a bad one. Plus, Alec possessed an awful lot of trust and respect for Simon Lewis. Whether he showed it or not, he couldn’t have wished for anyone better for Izzy. 

Meanwhile, Magnus and Max appeared to be having a moment of their own, utterly oblivious to the event that had just transpired. Tucked away onto one of the rickety tables, it appeared that they’d needed a breather, which made perfect sense considering they’d been the ones moving the most, jumping the highest, laughing the hardest. 

“Would you ever get married?” Max asked. They were out of anybody’s earshot but their own and Max didn’t think Magnus would mind him asking that question. 

“Well, I have always wanted to,” he admitted. “Having a family was always the most important thing to me when I was younger. I do finally feel like I have one now, but, yeah. I think I would still want to.” 

“Why?” 

Magnus debated for a moment over the level of honesty he should give. In the end, his inebriation won out and he went for a little more transparency than he probably would have done had he been sober. “Well, I almost did get married once,” he confessed. “I was engaged to a woman, but it turned out that she’d been cheating on me. So, you would think that I’d have been put off by that, wouldn’t you?” he asked. Thirstily, he took a long few sips from the drink in front of him, as though more dehydration was what his dry mouth needed. “I don’t think I ever lost faith that marriage could be beautiful, I just stopped believing that I was ever going to experience it.” 

Max was eyeing the bright blue cocktail in his hand, but he knew better than to try and twist Magnus’ arm. “Was it Alec that changed your mind?” 

“Yes,” Magnus answered quickly. It surprised him. He hadn’t realised that the answer was so close to the tip of his tongue. “I guess it was, Max, but, we definitely aren’t there yet. There’s still so much we haven’t done. It would probably be wise to at least move in together before we started thinking about marriage,” he laughed. 

“Would you move in with him? If I wasn’t there, I mean?” 

Magnus frowned. “Why would it matter if you were there?” 

Max scoffed. “Well, would you actually want to move in with Alec when he has a teenager in tow?” 

“Yes, of course.” 

It was Max’s turn to frown now as he squinted his eyes and held Magnus’ gaze. “You’re not just saying that?” 

“No,” Magnus answered simply. 

Max hesitated for a moment before nodding, apparently satisfied. “Right, come on. Let’s get up.” 

They re-joined the rabble just as Alec was retreating to where he’d left his pint. Robert Miles’ ‘Children’ had begun to pour through the speakers and though it was an undeniably phenomenal song, it started out a little slower than any of the tracks that had played for a while, so it was an easy excuse for Alec to have a breather. Watching his friends and family, each in their own little version of paradise, took Alec to a higher place of ecstasy than he’d ever believed possible. Izzy and Simon had almost blended into one, finally throwing caution to the wind in their own specific way. It wasn’t long before Jace came to join him, grabbing the chair opposite to Alec. “They’re a bit adorable, aren’t they?” he said. 

“Very,” Alec grinned. “How you feeling?” 

“How the fuck do you think I’m feeling?” Jace retorted. It was fair enough, in all honesty. Jace looked as if he’d actually forgotten how to frown. “Look at her, Alec,” he said. His gaze was yearning as he motioned in her direction. “That’s my fucking wife, Alec. Can you believe it?” 

“Yeah, kinda.” 

Jace shook his head. “No idea. No idea how the fuck that happened.” 

“You worked for it, Jace. You both did,” Alec insisted. “You deserve this. You deserve each other.” 

“So do you,” he replied. “You and Magnus, I mean. Can’t wait till I’m up there with you guys.” 

“Hey, how do you know I won’t ask Max to be my best man?” Alec teased. 

Jace laughed. “You can if you want, but you won’t stop be from being up there with you.” 

Alec snorted. “I can imagine.” He drained the rest of his pint, aware that it wouldn’t quench his thirst but doing it anyway. “I’m so happy for you, man.” 

“I know.” Jace reached over and clapped his hand over Alec’s. “I know you are, Alec. Now, come dance with me,” he ordered. 

“Do I have a choice?” 

“No, absolutely not,” Jace replied. Without hesitation, he tightened his grip on Alec’s hand and almost ran them both over to the rest of the group. 

Alec made his way over to Magnus and leaned down into his earshot. “I’m so happy, Magnus!” 

“I know you are! I am too!” 

“I’m also really drunk!” he added. 

Magnus just laughed at him. “I am too!” 

Everything became a bit of a blur after that. They danced, they drank, they laughed. Drinks were spilled, mistakes were made. They didn’t stop smiling all night, not a single one of them. Alec woke up in his room the next morning, surprised to find Magnus in the bed next to him. They’d arranged previously that he and Max were going to share a room, Magnus would stay with Simon, and Izzy with Maryse. It didn’t surprise him in the slightest that Simon and Izzy hadn’t stuck to that formation but that begged the question, where was Max? Alec had absolutely no recollection of getting to bed last night, or of the events that had led up to him falling asleep naked, something which he never did. Alec knew that no matter how much he’d had to drink, he would have gotten Max home safely, but he had to be sure. Ignoring the pounding against the inside of his skull, he scrolled down his contacts and found Max’s name. 

His brother picked up on the third ring. “How’s the hangover?” he greeted chirpily. 

“Yeah, wonderful,” Alec croaked. “Just making sure you were alright?” 

“Yes, unlike you I wasn’t doing shots of tequila at three in the morning.” 

Alec groaned. “Oh god. Don’t walk about booze, please.” He swallowed down his fear that he was about to be sick all over himself in the bed. “Where are you?” 

Max tutted. “I’m with mum. You don’t even remember?” 

“Uh, yeah. Course I remember. I was just making sure,” Alec lied. “Right, I’ve gotta go. Text if you need me.” He hung up the phone and cast it away onto the sheets, rolling onto his side as he desperately tried to find a less painful position. Though, no matter how dreadful, the pain was entirely worth it. From what he could remember, last night had been the best night of his life. 

His brief phone call seemed to have awoken Magnus who muttered something illegible without even attempting to open his eyes. “Say again, Magnus?” 

“Mhmmm. Max okay?” he slurred. 

“Mhmm hmm,” Alec replied. 

Magnus hummed at him again, in a way that Alec knew meant, ‘Great, I’m glad to hear that,’ but without exerting any of the effort. 

Alec knew that today was going to me a miserable day for everybody involved. The hangover was already brutal and it hadn’t fully kicked in yet. He knew that, no matter the progress they’d made, there was a lot to be fixed within their family dynamics. He knew that Max and Izzy weren’t going to forgive Robert anytime soon, and neither was he. Alec knew that his turmoil was never-ending, because as soon as one problem was solved, an even nastier one was bred. But he also knew that, everything becomes a lot easier once you’ve realised that nothing really matters. Their lives were never going to be flawless, and he didn’t want them to be. He’d fallen in love with somebody that he’d once believed himself to hate with a passion. It had turned out that his passion had been entirely misplaced, and if he’d been so astonishingly wrong about that, then he could never truly be certain about anything. Life was well and truly out of its owners' hands, and Alec was finally closer to accepting that than he was to the delusion that the tighter grip you had on yourself and your actions, the more control you would have over your circumstances. They weren’t quite there yet, wherever there was, but they were on their way. Nobody was on this journey to an unknown destination alone. Everybody has somebody, even if they think they have nobody. Alec had his mismatched, makeshift family to guide him through and they had him. He knew that, in the end, that was all that mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! 
> 
> So, what did you think of that?
> 
> I would just like to say, although this is finished for now, this won't be the end of me writing these characters because I do love them and I find it really fun. If anybody has something that they would like to see happen (for these specific characters in this universe) please do let me know. I can't promise I'll get round to it quickly, or at all, but I do think that a second sort of add on series with different 'behind the scenes' moments that we didn't get to see here would be really cool. Especially if I was working from your requests or prompts because then I'd feel like I was writing what I knew you wanted to read instead of only what I wanted to write. Of course, it would still be what I wanted to write, but also trying to incorporate somebody else's idea which I've never done before.
> 
> So, do let me know if there's anything you'd want to see here. If not, thank you for reading and have a great one!
> 
> Ash xx
> 
> Oh, and for one last time, the titles of the last four chapters have been a lyric by Joywave - It's a Trip! Fucking incredible song, and the lyric 'nothing left to want' really struck me.
> 
> Bye for now <3


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